Dealbreaker or not?

[atacrossroads1990]

Name changed for this.

Have been with my partner for 6 months. Due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on constantly, I had major trust issues in the beginning. He was really understanding and I have grown to trust him. Or so I thought.

A couple of months ago I went away on holiday and he stayed at my house to look after the dogs. When I returned, I noticed that he had been using my iPad (not a problem) to watch ridiculous amounts of porn...

I ummed and ahhed about asking him about it, spoke to friends who said it was quite normal etc and therefore I didn't confront him about it. I was still hugely uncomfortable about it but tried to forget about it.

Fastforward a few weeks, I couldn't keep the secret in and it had started affecting our previously very healthy sex life. So I told him what I had found and I explained why I was so against him watching porn (I understand that a lot of men do this, and a lot of wives/girlfriends are ok with it however I am really not).

He was really understanding, seemed mortified that he had upset me, and promised that he would never watch it again.

I have been really ill over the last week, off work, and since last Monday he has been round my house looking after me and basically being wonderful. Last night he tried to initiate sex and I turned him down, explaining that I still felt awful and I hoped he didn't mind. He was a little bit huffy about it but in a jovial way, we went to sleep and everything was fine.

This afternoon I was looking at my iPad trying to find a previous holiday destination search for my mum and saw that he had been looking at porn on my iPad early last Wednesday morning whilst I was still asleep.

He has been completely wonderful all week with me, but I feel sickened that whilst I was laying in my bed asleep and ill, he snuck out of the room and used my iPad to watch porn knowing exactly how I feel about it.

It's not even so much about the porn this time (although that is still upsetting), it's the fact that he has lied and has been sneaking around behind my back.

I'm concerned that he has just completely disregarded my feelings surrounding it. I know I am going to have to confront him tonight about it but I really don't know where to go from here.

Any advice would be great.

I think you were right to end it because it's a deal breaker for you.

A few other things stood out to me. I might be wrong but...

I don't like that he was huffy when you didn't want sex. (Red flag!)
I hate it when people swear on other people's lives.
I hate it when people make promises they're probably never going to keep. (To me, this says his word means nothing to him.)
You write that he seemed mortified that he had upset you (hmmm - sounds like nonsense to me) and that he engaged in screaming, crying etc and wanted you to call the wifi company. That sounds like a LOT of drama. I also think he's a bit of an actor. Ime, the suggestion that you call the wifi company is a classic response to being caught out in a lie.
I agree that he doesn't sound very bright.

Break ups are never easy but well done at standing up for your own belief system, it's impressive.

So he masturbates to porn if you are away or too ill to have sex and this makes him a terrible partner regardless of the fact he accepted and supported you with your trust issues and takes care of you when your ill? This too me sounds more like your looking for cracks because you are still feeling insecure. I genuinely hope you don't go on to regret this but I think you might.

I'd say that this is a compatibility issue. You could compromise (eg he continues to watch porn in such a way that you have no idea of it, not on your Ipad or in front of you). If this is still too much then it may well be a deal breaker.

The trouble is that he's done this his whole adult life presumably and it isn't an addiction or replacement for your sex life with him. He won't be able to wrap his head around it being a big problem for you as it isn't for him, so he's likely to agree to stopping but rather just conceal his use of it.

He sounds like he's been very supportive of you and a good boyfriend in other ways. Could you chalk this up to nobody is perfect? Sadly I do agree with others that finding someone who uses zero porn is very difficult now.

Thanks for your support everyone.

I feel a bit "meh" this morning. Although better for a nights sleep!

I think I could have moved forward with him if we had come to some sort of agreement on the porn when I first confronted him. The fact that he genuinely seemed so mortified (maybe embarrassed?) that I knew and was upset by it, did comfort me a little. I think if he had put up more of an argument about it back then I probably would have come to some sort of compromise with him. The problem is that he himself came to the decision that he would never watch it again, I think his exact words were "it stops here".

So then to go back on this... and then lie about it. That's the dealbreaker. So it's not even so much about the porn anymore.

Thank you for all of your support.

@atacrossroads1990 I get it, I hope you're ok?