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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this make me the OW?

93 replies

Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 12:29

To cut a long story short, DP fell asleep on couch yesterday. He left his phone unlocked and I decided to have a look at his whatsapp messages. He never leaves his phone unlocked. I didn't even have reason to think anything was going on but we've just been going through a rough patch.

He had messages from a woman saying she missed him and couldn't wait to talk to him properly on the phone. I didn't know what to do so I messaged her told her who I was etc. She said she knew who I was and about my DC but he had told her that I'd walked out on him. She said they had been on and off for 8 years. 8 fucking years!! I've not even been with him that long so does that make me the OW?

I was that shocked I blocked her, I've not spoken to him yet. I don't even know if he's noticed she's blocked. I don't use whatsapp much, will it be obvious?

Please help, what do I do?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 06/08/2018 12:31

You pack his stuff..
Simple.

UnderTheBoat · 06/08/2018 12:32

He'll know you've blocked her and she'll still be able to text him but if it's been going on that long he'll have her contact details.

I recently found out I'm the OW too it's broke me and I'm still contemplating contacting her to let her know. Are you okay? It feels like you've been shot in the stomach xx

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2018 12:34

Chuck him out

PerverseConverse · 06/08/2018 12:35

What a bastard. 8 years!! I agree: pack his stuff and kick him out. So sorry OP. You don't deserve this. It sounds like he uses her for when he needs a boost and she's been his OW throughtout those 8 years. What was his relationship history before you? She's obviously happy being the OW from the sounds of it.

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 13:09

I'm honestly shocked, I had a job interview this morning and just made a complete fool of myself because I couldn't get my words out. I want to just chuck him out but I also want to know his story, I don't feel like I can do anything until I know. @UnderTheBoat hope you're ok. I'm not really sure what to feel atm.

OP posts:
Pandoraslastchance · 06/08/2018 13:12

Shootingstar- start collecting evidence and get copies of paperwork, bank statements etc.

Sorry you are going through this.

Ryder63 · 06/08/2018 13:15

His story will be bullshit, OP.

starfishmummy · 06/08/2018 13:20

Both of you - you and the other person - deserve better than this.

PassionFruitPop · 06/08/2018 13:23

If he had the guts to lie this long (by hiding it from you)
He will probably lie even if you confront him and it will make you feel crazy.

The only option here is to ask him to leave. Show your worth from the get go.

The other woman can also lie because she might not want to be seen on his bad side.

Just don't let a guy walk over you. You will regret it.

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 13:24

He's in work atm, I bet she's called him by now. Tonight's going to be interesting...I bet he's putting together his bullshit story now.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 06/08/2018 13:27

Have you got dc together op?

Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2018 13:29

Do u live together and have dc together

ohdeardeardear · 06/08/2018 13:30

Jesus - send him packing. What a bastard. Do you have DC together?

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 13:31

Yes we have DC, we never got married because he see he said it didn't interest him

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2018 13:35

Do u live together if so whose name is the house in is it rented or mortgaged

Mummyof5dc · 06/08/2018 13:36

She knew who you were and he told her you had walked out on him, that tells me you were not the OW, she is.

I would have his bags packed for when he gets home. He will already know why. He will definitely have some bullshit excuse ready for you.

Sorry your going through this

Snappedandfarted2018 · 06/08/2018 13:36

So during you’re time together he was living a double life?

Lovemusic33 · 06/08/2018 13:39

He will tell you a story but it will be bull shit. It’s not worth listening too. Kick him out.

strawberrisc · 06/08/2018 13:41

Jesus wept. So sorry to hear this but do you ever think this could possibly be repaired?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/08/2018 13:42

Gosh, OP. What a shock.

Re: house - rented or mortgage? Are you at home right now? Pack his shit up and text him telling him it's on the doorstep.

Do not believe anything this man tells you this evening. 8 years! Fuck.

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 13:42

I don't know, he works A LOT, he used to stay out quite a bit in the first few years but when DC were born its been less. Now I'm typing this I feel stupid.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 06/08/2018 13:43

Pack his things and have them waiting for him. He knows you know by now; don't listen to his bullshit story, which is what it will be.

letsdolunch321 · 06/08/2018 13:49

What a bastard- leading a double life for 8 fucking years. He deserves everything that comes to him.

I trust once you have got over the shock you will put his clothes/belongings in a sack and leave them for him to collect outside the front door.

Sending hugs to you and your dcs.

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 13:53

House is mortgaged but in my name as he didn't want to pay anything into it. I'm not at home now we will be in around the same time this eve. I forgot my keys so I need him to let me in, well hopefully he will anyway

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 06/08/2018 13:56

He didn't want to pay anything into the house??? Was that not a massive red flag? Sorry you're going through this.