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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this make me the OW?

93 replies

Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 12:29

To cut a long story short, DP fell asleep on couch yesterday. He left his phone unlocked and I decided to have a look at his whatsapp messages. He never leaves his phone unlocked. I didn't even have reason to think anything was going on but we've just been going through a rough patch.

He had messages from a woman saying she missed him and couldn't wait to talk to him properly on the phone. I didn't know what to do so I messaged her told her who I was etc. She said she knew who I was and about my DC but he had told her that I'd walked out on him. She said they had been on and off for 8 years. 8 fucking years!! I've not even been with him that long so does that make me the OW?

I was that shocked I blocked her, I've not spoken to him yet. I don't even know if he's noticed she's blocked. I don't use whatsapp much, will it be obvious?

Please help, what do I do?

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 06/08/2018 13:56

Don't feel stupid, he's been sly and manipulative. Did she seem shocked too? Or is she sticking by him? If she's pissed too get the kids off to a relatives and then I'd have her round and see his face when there's the both of you sat on the sofa.

Lots of practical advice on here too. Sorry to hear of another man being an asshole to innocent, caring women.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2018 13:56

Good that the house is in your name so u can chuck him out

MrsArthurShappey · 06/08/2018 14:02

Ooh is this one of those 'cocklodgers' we keep hearing about?

RatRolyPoly · 06/08/2018 14:02

Blessing in disguise that you never married and he didn't want his name on the house.

Flowers
Yankeescot · 06/08/2018 14:03

So sorry you're going through this OP!

Wow just wow re the house/mortgage! He didn't want to pay into it? Is he a toddler? What a poor excuse of a man. Don't believe his BS story. I'd change the locks on the cheating bastard. You won't need him to let you in if you do that :-)

omgimhavingababy · 06/08/2018 14:03

What a huge thing to suddenly find out...I am so sorry!!! Does he have children with this other woman?

LexieLulu · 06/08/2018 14:03

Why didn't he want to pay anything into the house? Has he been paying his way?

MrsMozart · 06/08/2018 14:06

Oh bugger.

I hope the conversation goes as well as such things can.

IAintEvenBovveredThough · 06/08/2018 14:08

So sorry you're going through this OP. Just thank your lucky stars you aren't married and the house is in your name! Whatever story he tells you will be just that, a story. Don't buy his bullshit, tell him to pack his stuff and leave. I know it isn't easy especially when you have dc but is that honestly how you think you deserve to be treated? You deserve better and you'll never be able to trust him. 8 years? That's a long time to carry on a lie and sneaking about. Wasting your life on someone like that isn't worth it. My heart goes out to you Thanks

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 14:13

Glad to hear the house is in your name and that you’re not married, you can chuck him out of YOUR house.

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 14:15

The house thing, probably should have been a massive red flag yup....He didn't have any money for the deposit so said just do it in my name. He does pay but I end up paying for him after about the second week of the month as he said he has debts to pay off. Now I'm thinking that he was paying to keep her quiet fucks sake. I'm not even sure if he has children with her. Oh god this is going to be awful.

OP posts:
PrtScn · 06/08/2018 14:18

Unfortunate that you have children with him (and totally out of order for him to knowingly have children with more than one relationship on the go!).
Good that you aren't married and the house is in your name though. I presume you are financially independent of him? My vote is to check his sorry arse out and start claiming child support.

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 14:19

He’s done you a massive favour doing the house this way round. Means you and your dc have a home which he’s got no entitlement to.

Pack his bags and send him on his way. As for the practice side: Sort access to your dd when it’s conveninet to you and also check child maint payments via the online calculator so you can ensure it’s done fairly. Can you afford the mortgage alone? If not check your benefit entitlement too.

PerverseConverse · 06/08/2018 14:19

You sound strong and are in a good position financially with the house being in your name.
Men never fail to disappoint me. You will be fine. Once the shock has lessened a little you'll be angry and that anger will help you through this initial bit. How dare he.

Yankeescot · 06/08/2018 14:28

Thank goodness you have the good fortune now that you two never married and the house is in your name only. Truly a blessing in disguise. Chuck his worthless arse out and change those locks lassie.
I hope you can afford all the bills on your own, doesn't sound as if he contributes much anyway.
So sorry you have to deal with this. It's earth shattering. Do you have any close friends or family that can support you?

Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 14:34

How can I find out who she is? Would you all want to know or should I just wait until I've spoken to him. I know I am so grateful that it's in my name, financially it will be a struggle x

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootingstar23 · 06/08/2018 14:36

I know her name but can't find her on social media

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 06/08/2018 14:38

Did you keep her number? You could look that up on Facebook? Or save it into your phone and see if she has her photo on WhatsApp, Or try LinkedIn?
What a shock for you, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

freetoagoodhome · 06/08/2018 14:40

With him out the picture you might be able to claim some help. You'll at least be eligible for council tax reduction, possibly tax credits and he'll have to pay you child maintenance. Good luck Thanks

WhyBird2k · 06/08/2018 14:44

He's absolute scum. Really sensible advice from previous posters. Don't believe anything further that he has to say.

prh47bridge · 06/08/2018 14:44

House is mortgaged but in my name as he didn't want to pay anything into it

That's good news. It means the house is yours. As you are not married he does not have any claim on it. He could try to establish a claim but, if he hasn't made any financial contribution towards the house (e.g. paying off some of the capital on the mortgage or paying for improvements to the property), he won't succeed.

SunflowerJo08 · 06/08/2018 14:45

What a horrible shock for you, I really feel for you and especially your DC. Will certainly be interesting to hear what he has to say for himself! As he has nothing to do with the house on paper or via marriage, it'll be easy to get rid; presumably this WhatsApp woman will take him in! Not your problem either way. Get rid!

PerverseConverse · 06/08/2018 14:46

She might have blocked you on social media. You could open an account in a fake name and look that way. That's what I did. I still look every now and again to make sure nothing inappropriate s putting on Facebook about my children.

Buxtonstill · 06/08/2018 14:55

What a horrid way to find out. You are worth more than this OP. The coming months will not be the easiest, but you will make it through.

whattimeislove · 06/08/2018 14:56

That's awful! How long have you been together? How old is your DC? Do his family know about her? She can't possibly have thought you were apart, where did she think he was living?

Either way, it sounds you're well shot of him. Find info on his earnings etc, kick him out, change the locks, send all financial mail return to sender so he can't take any loans etc linked to your address, see if you're entitled to any benefits, etc etc