Does this make me the OW?

[Shootingstar23]

To cut a long story short, DP fell asleep on couch yesterday. He left his phone unlocked and I decided to have a look at his whatsapp messages. He never leaves his phone unlocked. I didn't even have reason to think anything was going on but we've just been going through a rough patch.

He had messages from a woman saying she missed him and couldn't wait to talk to him properly on the phone. I didn't know what to do so I messaged her told her who I was etc. She said she knew who I was and about my DC but he had told her that I'd walked out on him. She said they had been on and off for 8 years. 8 fucking years!! I've not even been with him that long so does that make me the OW?

I was that shocked I blocked her, I've not spoken to him yet. I don't even know if he's noticed she's blocked. I don't use whatsapp much, will it be obvious?

Please help, what do I do?

I dont understand why she told me. I never expected her reply. I will try the facebook thing thank you x

I've never been in this position, but I think if I were I wouldn't care who she is or their 'history' was. Who cares who she is, if it weren't her it would be some other woman. And what difference does their history make? It's enough that she exists and that they have a history at all. Why would I want to cut myself to pieces listening to him make excuses and justify what he's done? Why would I inflict that on myself? He's been using you to support him all these years so he can spend his own money cheating on you with her. So in essence, you've financed their affair! THAT would be all I needed to know!

Thank God the house is in your name and that you have a job! At least I assume you do as you say you pay his way most of the month, at any rate you can support yourself and DC (of course, he'll need to pay maintenance). I'd say nothing tonight and tomorrow I'd take the day off, get my locks changed, pack his shit and deposit it elsewhere (friend, garage, work, etc). Then I'd send him a text that I'd spoken to OW and that we were through and that he'd be hearing from CMS.

What a shock for you
What an absolute wanker he is.

I found myself in a similar situation few years about with my dc father. Long story short I went mental cut all this clothes up threw them out the window locked my door and got rid. They lasted less than 6 months and now he's begging for "another chance". It's each to their own but personally once that trust is gone it's gone and sounds like u deserve so much better. The woman said she knew exactly who u was which says to me she's the type of woman who's just a skank and doesn't mind sleeping with other ppls men. Then add into the mix chances of catching an std because if he's sleeping with this woman then who else has he been dipping. All the best tho I would say get rid 8 years is a long time and if that is longer than u have been together says he's obviously been seeing this woman probably all the way thru. I would find her on fb just to see if she's got a husband and let him know what's going on. All the best u deserve so much better and being on ur own isn't all that bad x

Sorry OP, definitely get rid of him. Sounds like he's been playing both of you if he told her you'd left him . He's not worth your time or effort, what a loser he is.

So in summary:

He's been seeing another woman on and off for 8 years.
This is longer than your relationship.
He didn't want to marry you before or after having your DC.
He didn't want to buy a house with you.
He contributes financially for the first week of each month and then after that you have to support him.
Have I missed anything?

I know you love him, I know you're in shock and he's the father of your DC. I'm not going to tell you LTB because it's not that easy and it's not my relationship.

But I strongly advise that you seek support in real life, and ask him to move out for a few weeks. At least long enough to give you some time and space to digest this revelation and awful betrayal and decide what you want to do next.

Good luck x

I dont think at this point there is an "ow". You are both women hes been cheating on for the last 8 years.

I'm so sorry OP, he is a total scumbag. I wonder if he pays the mortgage on the other woman's home which may explain why he can't afford to contribute to yours, but he is still a cocklodger and it's very scummy behaviour.

I was unknowingly the OW years ago. Some months into the relationship it transpired he had a wife and six children back in Ireland who welcomed him home with open arms on his frequent visits back there. I pushed him out of the door before he had finished telling me yet more lies.

Good luck

Thinking of u op hope you have got into your house

What a horrible mess for you. I second what people suggested in regards to Facebook and finding out if he does have dc elsewhere.

He'll feed you a whole bunch of bullshite. Just pack his bags, you owe him nothing. It's very lucky he isn't on the mortgage and you aren't married. He's fucked himself over if anything, it makes me think he probably has something with her.

I'd say you're both the other woman by the sound of it. He's been having his cake and eating it for a long time. You could never trust him again. He is the lowest of the low for knowingly bringing children in to this situation too

@NurseButtercup

Good summary of the situation.

What about utter bastard. Hope you are okay OP xxx

Oh gosh, OP. I'm so terribly sorry. I hope you find the strength to LTB. You deserve so much better. You will hurt for a while but it will get better x

He's on the phone to her now. He said there's no affair he's been talking to her for years but they don't meet. Now he won't talk to me, said for me to just end it. He said I'm bad enough so why would he want another one. What a dick!

He is a fucking dick. Whats he doing messaging her for so long. Throw him out.

What did it say in the messages??

Funny how he stormed straight out to call her though, nothing going on right?! He didn't even know I'd blocked her, I just said I'd spoken to her and she had told me what's been going on.

Well they had been sending pictures etc and they weren't innocent messages. Then the last said she missed him and couldn't wait to speak on the phone.

How does he know her

He’s probably called her to find out exactly what she told you, so he can minimise the damage! That, or he is prioritising his relationship with her over you!

I echo all the others - he's a cocklodging idiot wanker arsehole dickhead. You'd be well shot of him.

He is looking for damage limitation.
Or for you to be the one to end it because he is gutless.

Bet you wish you hadn’t been snooping on his phone now don’t you..