Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

IMissGin - that's horrible of him to say that. , and for you to help you through the upcoming situation.

@tinkerbellisnotafairy yes my mum would wait till I was away and then give my clothes away because I hadn't worn them for ages. That is the period I was away for. it was punishment for living independently from her.
She also loved going out with my sisters and me and telling people we were just like best friends (we really weren't)
She used to make me phone her when I was at Uni and then spend ages on the phone even though she knew it was costing me money and I was struggling to get by.
Its the same sad script a lot of the time

This is probably the worst thing MiL did. Certainly in my book.

When I met DW initially, we had a wobble, and split up. During which she saw another guy, and became pregnant. He became very abusive, and she quickly had to get a restaining order.

In the meantime, we reconciled, and I left my home town to move in (we had met as penpals - very old school). I was with DW for the last 8 weeks of pregnancy, and the birth, when DS was born. DS natural father just vanished into nowhere (well, nary a squeak).

For various reasons we (in hindsight, foolishly) never really had a plan for addressing DS parentage, and he grew up knowing me as "Dad".

Until about 2011, when MiL suddenly announced she'd heard from DS natural father on Facebook, and he was demanding to meet DS, and if MiL didn't sort it out, he'd turn up one day.

At this point, neither I nor DW wanted to be on Facebook, but DS was. So we had to trust to the messages MiL showed us.

This forced us into having to reveal the truth to DS in the least planned and most rushed way possible. (After he learned he cqame up to me, hugged me and said "no one else is my Dad."). However, he did go to meet his natural father, who called round to pick him up.

Because I'm who I am, when he turned up, I insisted he came in (I had checked with DW beforehand, and she was OK, as I was there) as "I don't talk on the street". After he'd seen DS a couple of times, he dropped DS when MiL and her DP were round for a cuppa. He was a little nervous seeing MiL (DW said he hated her ... maybe he spotted what she was really like ??????) but sat down. He then insisted on saying that he was really proud that DS had clearly turned out to be a credit to us both, and that "it takes a man to raise man", and he wanted to shake my hand ...

(He pretty much fizzled out after that - possibly because he had a wife & subsequent kids - but more likely because he seemed to have no interest in DS).

So far, so stressful, but shit happens.

Except, DW and I since found out that it was MiL that contacted DS natural father, and egged him on by telling him how bad a father I was being. It was she that faked messages to appear from him which pressurised us into our course of action. The only bitter smile to emerge was DS natural father completely wrong-footed her, and subsequently ripped her a new one over her deception.

We would tell DS, but he's still close to his "Nan", and too under her spell. Which makes our relationship with him a little delicate. We daren't let slip anything that circumvents the NC. (Despite the countless times someone in the family has "got cancer" - yes, that trick too).

When I moved in with DW, MiL promised she and her DP would regard DS as mine. The reason I have decided there can be no forgiveness is after she assualted me (as I said previously police were called) and her DP had to literally drag her out of our house, she was screaming about how I was not DS real father, never had been, would never amount to anything, and that DW should check with her counsellor, as "she knows".

Finishing on that note. I said previously that MiL had tried to accuse me of all sorts to DWs counsellor. (Turns out it's not that easy. Thank God). When DWs counsellor told DW, DWs first instinct was to "go ballistic". This was before we had discovered Mumsnet, so couldn't see what was happening as a pattern, or trait. However, I couldn't believe anyone could be so horrid, and wondered if might be due to some sort of mental illness, or alcohol (because MiL does put it away ...). Up until then, we'd always though MiL "memory problems" (she never remembered saying or doing certain things ...) were genuine.

So by letting slip that she not only remembered calling the counsellor, but exactly what she had said, she rather confirmed she was in full possession of her faculties, and knew exactly what she was doing. I know it's not scientific, but it does weigh in with PPs questions about whether they know they are doing it.

As I say, this all happened pre-Mumsnet. It's only through this site that we realised we weren't alone, and that there really are some nutters around.

Sadly, for DW, this realisation has meant she's had to revise a lot of experiences from childhood. But, reading these forums, as she says "a lot of things make sense now".

I know a lot of people say "you have a DP problem, not a MiL problem". However MiL was so pitch perfect, that even before we'd met, DW insisted her DM "was her best friend". Which says a lot about how friends fuck off the second you get diagnosed with a lifelong illness and start using a wheelchair.

I'm guessing that a guaranteed way to become the target of a narc is to refuse to let them get their way in something ....

Wow, that is a truly terrible thing she did to you Paul. She had no way of knowing how that would have affected her grandson - finding out that way could have seriously damaged his relationship with you and his mother, to say nothing of ruining his own sense of self!
What a fucking horrible piece of work she is. for you.

My NM told DH I was planning to divorce him.

Not only not true but I’d never ever discuss with her any aspect of my relationship with him.

Luckily he can see through her.

To the poster who asked were my sister gets it from it's hard to say really as both parents have traits.

DM's parenting approach was very much divide and conquer, and when she saw that a 2 vs 1 dynamic had emerged instead of finding ways to heal it exploited it and deepened it to make her parenting easier and not having the "1" was a treat for the "2" and vice versa, rift became entrenched and has never really healed, she would manipulate our feelings about each other to her own advantage "no wonder x says you're y"

"D" F I'd hesitate to diagnose. There is something seriously wrong with him but it's more than one thing. Victim behaviour - "always happens to me", explosive behaviour, generally unpleasant, constant eggshells I'm NC now and have been for a very long time but one thing I do remember is that he saw us as an extension of him and wanted to choose our jobs for us, he didn't really care how well we did as long as long as it was better than their closest friends DC
Couldn't have told you our ages, birthdays, friends, hobbies, what we were studying, anything about us, with a gun to his head but could whine for hours about how no one cares about what he wants for Christmas

Sister has inherited same explosiveness, kick off first, realise you weren't listening later, still refuse to apologise and blame the victim.

Following on from being allowed to routinely exclude me and bully me as a child it is now a genuine effort for her to behave as an adult
and the mask always slips.

That's the main issue with her, this permanent feeling that you aren't really speaking to her, your speaking to a representative. Like whatever false mask she's wearing that day, and so you have to engage with this Bad Actor who thinks they are Meryl Streep (in every sense) and you have no idea it's an act.

Other than her job and her varied behaviours and what they indicate, (can't hold down a relationship, sudden disappearance of once bosom friends, her need to boost herself at usually my expense, moving and changing jobs quite frequently) I don't think I COULD tell you anything about her because I literally don't think I've met her since 2003, just a representative and I've just realised that by typing that down

Northernspirit
The breaking point for me is when my dad died very suddenly and I was upset she barked at me ‘you have no reason to be upset he was my husband

Shortly after my dad died my mother said to me that nobody, nobody who had not gone through it could possibly understand how painful the loss of a spouse was, and that it was worse than all other bereavements. I'd had my third miscarriage about a month before he died, and I wouldn't even have minded that, but she made my dad's life an utter living misery when he was alive.

Thumbwitches this interests me too ... I suspect that when someone is hurt badly enough repeatedly growing up, in the end they become self protective to the Nth degree over anything. They stay as very small childre, hugely egocentric, but with added profound fear and anger.

Then as they become teens they choose in any given situation to protect their hurt-to-the-point-of-broken feelings rather than trying to find a solution. They're hamstrung by never developing beyond a small child and don't realise that other people have just as much right to exist and have their own povs. As time goes on, they consistently decide only to protect themselves or to get what they want. They decide that way so habitually that in the end they can no longer even perceive that other peoplereally exist or have their own needs. Everything has to revolve around them because they genuinely can't see that anyone else matters or even really exists. And because they are hurt and angry, they often get vicious.

The other way narcs are formed (I think) is by being so extremely spoiled that they never learn give and take. The Korean daughter who got someone fired for serving them peanuts in a bag strikes me as that sort, along with some of the Middle Eastern very wealthy people who see servants as moving objects whose only focus should be them, not people.

@PaulDacreIsStillACunt

Oh my actual god..... What an absolutely hideous thing to do.

I have long suspected MIL is a narc and reading these stories confirms it but thankfully on the less serious end of the spectrum. She is so jealous of her DGC's as my DH rightly puts them before her. She accused him of 'everything revolving around his children'
I think she believed I'd be some sort of enabler but soon learned I would not play her games or take her shit. She adopted DH as a baby and has made him feel he 'owes her' for this. Awful selfish woman.

Thanks for starting this thread. I haven't been able to read it all in one go, it's a bit much to take in, but I read several posters talking about their mother befriending elderly / dying people and am amazed. My mother does this too, she used to volunteer as a befriender and I always saw it as a NON-narc trait. How odd. In my mother's case I think it is linked with her fear of getting old and dying. Once she said to me in tones of abject horror, "I can't believe one day I just won't be here anymore!" This really makes me laugh when I am feeling evil. If I personally worry about death, it's to do with leaving my children behind, or being in pain. With my mother, it's the concept of JUST NOT EXISTING any more, and there being nothing she can do about it.

I have forgotten so much, but here are a few highlights from my mother's life:

Regularly not speaking to me for hours or days. She didn't speak to me on my 18th birthday because she was angry with me. I can't remember why.

Both my sisters are divorced. My mother was absolutely vile to them when it happened, blamed them both and tried to make it all about her and her pain and distress.

My dad likes to holiday abroad during the winter (retired and plenty of money). My mum doesn't like going and so he has cut down his holidays to shorter periods away. However she still dislikes it and makes everyone miserable complaining, so last time he went on his own. My mother had something that appeared like a nervous breakdown (despite staying with my sister for company) and had to have an emergency visit from the doctor. My dad has not gone on holiday since.

Last year she looked at me and said in tones of absolute disbelief "But your eyes aren't the same colour as mine!" They never have been. I am 45. It felt like she'd actually looked at me and SEEN me for the first time.

Also did the "what happened to the other 5%" thing. I once came home from school and told her with a sad face that I'd came 10th (a very low place for me, I was extremely academic) in a history exam she knew I'd been worried about. Oh, she was delightful about it! Hugged me, said never mind, was generally sweet and kind. Then I told her I'd been joking! Wasn't it great, I actually came 1st! She was bloody furious.

Also used to say "I always love you, but I don't always like you." A very tricksy one, as it's hard to complain of unkindness when the person's just said they love you. In truth I don't think she loved me OR liked me. I don't think she is capable of love, just feels pleasure when people behave in a way that sheds glory on her or makes her feel good about herself.

I have my own business which I started from scratch and is reasonably successful. I have done for nearly 15 years. My mother refuses to acknowledge this fact because it's not really a proper job. Once she was forced to mention it and she said "You know, that little thing you used to do."

I don't remember very much of my childhood, which I think is probably a blessing, but when my son was a baby she used to tell me to turn my face away and ignore him if he did something she thought he shouldn't be doing.

None of these sound like a big deal, reading them through, but the little things all add up, don't they? There's tons more, as well. I forget half of it.

You know, that little thing you used to do

My mother told people I had retired when I was in my 30s. She said it when people asked how I was and what I was doing because she didn't want to say my job had taken off and I was doing well. Goodness knows why she chose “retired”.

Crikey, so so many of us have the 'I love you but don't like you' thing going on, it's amazing.

My NM is the eldest of four children. She treated my Nan like a dimwit for most of my childhood, and let it be known that Nanny was a bit of a slapdash mother. I do believe that my mother did 'take charge' of the household to a degree, as she has spoken of it over the years, in unguarded more normal moments.

She adored her father, totally hero worshipped him and says all the time that's whenever really got over his death. He seems to have been a genial sort of chap from all accounts. I do wonder if when he died she started that thing narcs do, when they appropriate the mourning, and establish themselves as the one who suffers the most, as she always goes on about his death. Mind you, she was in her twenties, so it's not like his death traumatised her at a very young age.

But here we are again, attempting to understand the narc!

I am actually rather thankful for this thread. I simply can't offload about some of the stuff that randomly rises up in my thoughts about her, and that is after being nc for a good year and a half. It never goes away.

Just today I remembered that classic horrible thing she used to do. she would be out food shopping with me, and this particular day I remember being rooted to the spot within embarrassment as she was loudly introducing me to an acquaintance. We were in the butchers shop, of all places, she was holding court as she did, and she was saying "...yes, she's the fat one of the family. Her sister is really little and slim, it's strange...".

She pulled those stunts all the time.

Now I'd tell her to shut up, but I just took it all, for years. No wonder I ended up a bulimic for six years!! 🙄

** that she never really got over his death

Sorry for rambling.

So much of this is ringing a bell

No real interest in details of my life
Tried to kiss one of my boyfriends in front of me
Was conditioned to obey her and not have my own mind
Dramatic meltdowns if ever challenged on her behaviour
Wouldn't let me have braces on teeth and now have sticking out teeth
Neglected my needs, as a baby especially. Says things like, I don't understand why people always picking their babies up and rocking them, just put them down!
Completely self absorbed but with a very fragile sense of self
Lashes out when challenged

Peppermint that is just awful
My own mother was a good mum in lots of ways but I have always felt her love is not unconditional
She also regularly.said I love you but don't like you comments and sulked if I upset her as a teen.
My dad died in Jan and I have struggled a bit with how she has dealt with that. As soon as he was dead she wanted the hosp bed etc removed and he died at 8.30 in the morning and his equip and bedroom were emptied that afternoon. She refused to cry in public not even at the funeral as if it was a badge of honour and she has never once said how much she misses my dad after 60 years of marriage . She talks a lot about not liking living alone but no real expression of grief over the loss.
Do you know I feel so bad even thinking this and have only spoken to DH about it. He said everyone grieves differently so I don't know what to think. My while life I have felt confused about my relationship with my mum . I feel my dad idolised her and we have always had to tiptoe round her feelings and not upset her . My brother always worried how she would cope when dad was dying but I always felt she has a strong streak of self preservation and would be fine and it seems to be the case.
I can relate to lots of the low level stuff posted on here but she was a good mum in some other ways which just makes me confused and not sure if I am just a bitch.
I even feel guilty writing any of this and she would be devastated by it as she tells everyone how close we are but the truth is that I hide a lot of what goes on in my life and only give her the edited highlights.
Am I just a cow ! I can't sort it out in my head but I feel v angry for how easily she had got on without my dad who spent his whioe married life spoiling her and protecting her from the realities of life . He would've been devastated if she had died .
Am I being unreasonable ? I just don't know .

Flapjack, I could have written your post. I hope you aren't my sister!

Dad died after years of being her carer, protecting her. His last year she struggled with the change of dynamic. She scolded him for various things, honestly it made me sick. Now he's gone it's all woe is me, but all about her. She just wants her carer back.

These stories are heartbreaking

I can relate to lots of the low level stuff posted on here but she was a good mum in some other ways which just makes me confused and not sure if I am just a bitch.
I even feel guilty writing any of this and she would be devastated by it as she tells everyone how close we are but the truth is that I hide a lot of what goes on in my life and only give her the edited highlights.

I feel exactly the same @flapjackfairy. It’s so confusing. I sometimes think it would be easier if DM was full-on narc as thence would be more cut and dried...

Thanks for sharing that pickle
It helps to hear others experiences
I wrestle with how I feel so much but basically I have concluded that my mum is quite selfish and everything is filtered through the lens of how it affects her. But then aren't we all like that to some degree. I am not a perfect parent ! So round and round I go in my head torn between anger and guilt !

Hot I know ! I.have said that to DH many times . It would be easier if it was out and out abuse to be able to categorise it as it were ( apologies to those who have suffered that way . I am not minimising it by any means merely mean it would make confronting it more clear cut iyswim )
I have spent my whole life in a state of confusion !
Thanks for sharing hot . It helps so much x

Buffythevampireslayerr I experienced my Nfather not replying to calls and texts when I was on a very rare hen weekend (actually that's the only two nights I've ever spent away from the kids and they are 11 and 9). Remember this is off the back of me witnessing his suicide attempt when I was 17, then another, luckily I didn't witness, when I was 24.

He did not reply to any contact in the couple of days run up to the hen weekend and nothing while I was away. Was beside myself after the first night away (didn't realise then that I had PTSD from his suicide attempts) and was going to leave the hen do early and get a train home.

In the end DH bundled the DC into the car and went round there, he didn't knock on the door but he looked into the window and saw my dad sitting watching TV with his mobile phone by his side.

When I finally got home and he answered the phone I asked why he hadn't replied - he had a dicky tummy and didn't want to worry me so thought it best not to reply. Yeah right.

Also, the amount of times when we'd just landed at Gatwick from a family holiday abroad, we'd be navigating out of the car park and he'd call saying he had debilitating stomach pains and we had to drive straight to his. Wouldn't call an ambulance but it always ended up being wind or constipation. This happened from his late 60s so not super elderly. It was like punishment for having a nice time on holiday, kind of bringing you back down to earth with "Hi! Here I am to fuck up your day because I refuse to deal with my own gas"

As for what makes a narc a narc:
Since my NC with my dad I have been in contact with his estranged younger brother who has been NC with my dad for almost 35 years. DUncle was the 'scapegoat child' (although he didn't use those words) and my father was the Golden child (oldest son). My father was spoilt by their mother but all four children were beaten by their father, and emotionally abused too by the sound of it. My father then turned the abuse on to my uncle. Something very bad happened in childhood that my uncle won't tell me about, and my uncle eventually went NC with my dad when he was in his 30s with his own kids.

By then my dad was married to my mum and he abused her, then when she divorced him he targeted a new partner. Then when she died, it was me. Unbelievably it took a counsellor to point out that if I didn't do something, it was my children next.

I have/had what's known as Trauma bonding...(kind of like Stockholm syndrome) but I'm 7 months NC and stronger every day.

Can I also recommend the Subreddit 'Raised by Narcissists'? It's a bit like this thread and very healing. Like dipping into a bit of therapy when you need it.

I know NPD is more commonly known but histrionic PD is actually more common in women. This is what my mother has been diagnosed with. Her diagnosis was one of the key elements in me feeling like I could go NC. Condition or not, I began realising I didn't want to have to cope with someone like that anymore. Does it ring any bells for those whose mothers haven't been officially assessed?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/conditions/histrionic-personality-disorder

@ flapjackfairy

I totally get what you are saying - our mothers weren’t these terrible ogres who beat and abused us. It feels dishonourable to talk about them (even anonymously) in any way that could be seen as derogatory. My DM was also sometimes great/helpful especially when I presented her with Grandkids. - BUT and it’s a big BUT...I never felt loved - and you know that’s pretty much the basic role of a mother - to make their child feel loved. It’s sort of like saying you have a GP who always sees you on time and gives you a full 20 minutes, but knows fuck all about your condition and gives you the wrong prescription (and then acts like it’s your problem).

I love my DD/DS with all my heart. My face lights up when they come home.I KNOW my DM never felt that way about me - and I was always anxious and trying to please around her. My DC are open and carefree (sometimes confrontational) around me. They tell me about problems and we talk about them together (clue - I don’t tell them to ‘get over it’ or ‘stop thinking the world revolves around you’).

What I’m trying to say is that we are conditioned to please and respect our elders. We want to admire them and we want to believe that they really love us. Moving away from that ‘truth’ is difficult - and personally I only really managed it after my DM died.