Wise women, please help me enjoy time on holiday with DC when I know my marriage is over

[mamacitarosita]

Please help me, I feel utterly desperate. I have NC but I am sure some of you will recognise me.

Please don't judge me, I have received exceptional advice and insight on other threads and come to the sad decision that my marriage is over. It will be a long, slow and terrible process to separate and I am not ready yet. We have been together 25 years since we were 18, 2 DC. I have issues with co dependency and no family support. I am scared and feel very alone.

I have been saving for a holiday to a very significant place for me for 5 years. 5 years of saving every penny. We fly tomorrow morning. DH has been actively sabotaging the preparations and being obstructive. He has form for ignoring me for long periods of time and being unkind and defensive. He is irresponsible.

I cannot say that he cannot come on the holiday at this point. He has to come as I am working on an educational project and he will look after DC, it is a dangerous country for a woman and children alone and it is too late to make alternative arrangements.

Please help me find some calm. I feel so angry. Angry with him for continuing to act so irresponsibly, angry with me for letting him treat me like a mug for the last 25 years etc.

I have so so so much to do today and my head is spinning. He won't tell me if he has any money in his bank account, he won't start packing until tonight, he wont have a conversation about anything and most annoyingly he collected a parcel that arrived yesterday from our shed and promptly 'lost it'. It contains medication I need. I have asked him to find it 6 times. He just sent me a text telling me I am a bully and his 'head is in pieces. Leave me alone"

How do I cope with this idiot man child on holiday?

I agree with justinonmybroomstick that OP is not capable of making good decisions. She has been with her husband since she was 18. So all her adult life basically. She has no real life support. She just very very recently realised she needs to end her toxic marriage. In those circumstances I don't think it's easy or straightforward to end things or make decisions. She will make those in time I'm sure. I can't imagine handling things better if i was in her shoes.

While I don’t exactly agree with the way Just is expressing it, they do have a point OP. Are you sure your husband is safe to travel with?

From all the stuff you said on your other thread, and now some of the stuff here, it sounds like he could be seriously unstable. I don’t think Central America is a particularly terrible place for you to travel with two teenagers. In a few years they could be going there themselves on gap year projects or whatever. Does he really have to go?

Actually, yes... PP are right. Does he really definitely absolutely have to go? I know you said your DC will be devastated if he doesn't go, but their safety has to be paramount.

Another thought is that if he does go, and the situation blows up - whilst it may ruin that particular trip, at least the DC will see why the marriage is over? Not that I'm advocating that, but the thought crossed my mind

mama I have been following and commenting on your previous thread, as soon as I saw the title I knew it would be you.

You can do this, you can, and you will. He is ramping up the crap as he knows he has lost. Just get to your destination, and your Inner Frida Warrior Mode, will spur you on. This is the start of your new life!

(I still want Mnhq to commission a Frida smiley!)

You’ve got this op! Grey rock and try no time to let him worry you too much. Try to focus on having a lovely time.

May Frida be with you

Thanks everyone. We're sat in departures.
I am capable of making good decisions and have decided not to sacrifice 5 years hard work due to a tantrum from a grown man. 'As bad as you're making out' depends on perspective but I am very grateful for the kind advice especially from those who've read my other thread.

I have all the money, travel docs etc but I have separated his boarding pass and passport and give them to him thru security whilst I stand with dc. It'll all by fine. DS is string and carried bags without being prompted so it's all been quite seamless. When he wanted to browse duty free i just smiled and said 'yeah sure I'll see Tig at the gate'

I think he'll behave from now on as he knows he's gone too far. He seems to have pulled himself together a bit.

Teaching women to read is my lifelong passion, I literally can't wait to get there.

I have a friend I've known since I was 2 who is 67 and a grandmother of 14. She will be with dh most of the time as we're staying at her place of work and she is obsessed with DC. They're going to be well fed!

Have an amazing trip!!!

It sounds like an amazing trip!
Enjoy (don't let his tantrums spoil anything)
I'm also glad there will be others there with your kids. Sounds brilliant.
Take care and have a great time!

You are an amazing woman!

I really hope the trip is fantastic for you and the women who will learn to read!

Mama, everything you post about your DC, you can tell they are such fab switched on individuals. It's amazing how much they can read into situations, without being told anything at all.

Have the trip of a lifetime, I'm so excited for you, your DC, friends, and the women you're teaching, what a difference you've made to their lives, and many more to come.

You are a ⭐️!

The Op teaching women to read is detracting from the reality of this trip and under different circumstances the Op would be told she/they shouldn’t be going.

Would the women who are being taught to read want the children to be in this situation? I doubt it and I suspect they’d say put your children first and put yourself before us.

There are many people who can teach the women to read/carry on the project but there’s not another Op and she’s the best chance the children have.

It’s been an interesting thread. We’ve had people urging to Op to hide passports, leave the husband at home, get copies of documents, emergency phone numbers. People have gone the whole hog when it’s come to her staying safe and out of danger. Yet on the other hand we’ve had people cheering on from the sidelines and have a great time.

Suerte OP! Fuerza!

Just, it was clear from the very beginning that OP was never not going to go on the trip. She asked for coping strategies and so that’s what people have been trying to give her.

I agree that it would have been ideal if she could have rescheduled for a year’s time when things would hopefully have improved for her, but I just knew that was never going to happen. So I’ve been trying to help her find ways that she can get through this.

As long as you are leaving your DC under supervision from an additional person, it should be fine. I just think you aren't going to enjoy it as much as you would otherwise have done.

Use the grey rock technique, get through this and then make your escape.

I'm here and it's wonderful.
Thank you all for your help.
DH has been completely different since we got off the plane, still a bit oblivious but focused dc and watching bags etc, long may it continue. I'm still a grey rock, seems to be working.

Thank you so so much for helping me getting here.

Buena suerte, OP. Que tengas un viaje excelente 😊

Keep doing that grey rock, and have a wonderful time!

That's great news - hope it continues for the holiday

How are you OP? Hope the holiday and project is going well. I

Thank you all so much for your kindness. I have thought of you daily, especially those kind women who recognised me from my other thread.

He deteriorated as the holiday went on and did behave oddly. I was grey rock with him and in that situation could observe his behaviour really clearly. Odd little things like ordering really expensive meals when no one else is, falling asleep a lot, not knowing where we are/where we're going, standing behind me not next to me, ignoring people and expecting me to answer for him, never having any money/a wallet or any essentials like sun screen etc. Nothing major, just lots of odd little things. All he wanted to do was play on the beach like a child, which is lovely and he had fun, but I am not his parent.

I had a really wonderful time thou, and made some great friends, I am so glad we went.

Thanks for all your help, I'd have been a blubbering mess without you all.

I would cancel the whole thing. Really - it's going to be a complete nightmare and if he's the sort of person who would hide someone else's medication he may also be the sort of person who does something stupid and endangers your children. No project is worth this grief. Focus on ending this mess of a relationship now. Just don't go.

I guess he also knows the marriage is over but doesn't want to believe it. I think he is terrified of being an adult since he's been carried for so long.

I’m so pleased you got to go on your educational project, which sounds amazing. I too remember your other thread. You have the strength to do what you need to do; I wish you all the best.

I take it you're home now?

If so, please take some advice on how to leave this man.