Wise women, please help me enjoy time on holiday with DC when I know my marriage is over

[mamacitarosita]

Please help me, I feel utterly desperate. I have NC but I am sure some of you will recognise me.

Please don't judge me, I have received exceptional advice and insight on other threads and come to the sad decision that my marriage is over. It will be a long, slow and terrible process to separate and I am not ready yet. We have been together 25 years since we were 18, 2 DC. I have issues with co dependency and no family support. I am scared and feel very alone.

I have been saving for a holiday to a very significant place for me for 5 years. 5 years of saving every penny. We fly tomorrow morning. DH has been actively sabotaging the preparations and being obstructive. He has form for ignoring me for long periods of time and being unkind and defensive. He is irresponsible.

I cannot say that he cannot come on the holiday at this point. He has to come as I am working on an educational project and he will look after DC, it is a dangerous country for a woman and children alone and it is too late to make alternative arrangements.

Please help me find some calm. I feel so angry. Angry with him for continuing to act so irresponsibly, angry with me for letting him treat me like a mug for the last 25 years etc.

I have so so so much to do today and my head is spinning. He won't tell me if he has any money in his bank account, he won't start packing until tonight, he wont have a conversation about anything and most annoyingly he collected a parcel that arrived yesterday from our shed and promptly 'lost it'. It contains medication I need. I have asked him to find it 6 times. He just sent me a text telling me I am a bully and his 'head is in pieces. Leave me alone"

How do I cope with this idiot man child on holiday?

Can you reschedule the trip? Surely it will be horrific going with this man! You say you have old friends there? Can’t you ask them to rally and watch DC for you. Sorry but maybe he’s not keen to go. You say it’s a country that isn’t safe for women and children. Is it actually wise to take your DC there at all!! It’s a big responsibility for him. I wouldn’t want to go! I don’t know the rest of your circumstances but this actually sounds very unsafe and unwise and a bit unfair on him. Why don’t you go alone and leave the DC at home with him where it is safe and comfortable. It’s really not a holiday for him is it. Did you get his agreement to this trip or bully him into it? Have you actually asked him if he wants to go? Hiding medication sounds like he’s scared to say he doesn’t want to go and it’s his only way out

This is all a bit weird and OTT to be honest. Holidays should be fun and not all this rigmarole involved.

Op I will be thinking of you, you sound like you are doing an amazing job, keep going

I hope the trip is successful. Stay grey rock. Big hugs

This will out me if any of my friends happen to be reading because it’s something I say all the time... but whenever someone is being particularly difficult with me or I’m struggling to understand their behaviour, I just try to imagine that I’m the narrator of some kind of nature documentary. I kind of take a step back, mentally, and think to myself ‘fascinating behaviour, how strange’ rather than attempting to engage or reason with it.

Maybe you can try that with your husband. Any time he acts up, rather than try to understand it or argue against it, just think to yourself ‘how strange. Anyway, what was I doing?’ and leave it at that.

On your old thread someone recommended treating your husband like a difficult child that you have to mollycoddle into behaving, and I said that was a terrible suggestion because no one should have to micromanage another adult to that extent. But in the short term, for this holiday, maybe that really is the best way to think about it.

For what it’s worth, I did actually go on holiday with my ex a month before we finally broke up, when things were really not good between us. In fact, we’d had a row the night before we left and he’d slept on the sofa and refused to speak to me until about 5 minutes before the taxi arrived. But we went and... ok, the holiday was not the best I’ve ever had BUT it was actually not that bad, and I managed to enjoy myself for most of it. And that was just the two of us. You’ll have your kids and your project and your old friends to dilute whatever effect he might have on things.

Just keep thinking about all the good memories you’ll be making with your kids and your friends and the work that you’re doing, and think about what you’re going to remember in ten years time. Hopefully there’ll be plenty of amazing experiences which in future will far outweigh your memory of ‘that day when DH was being moody again’.

Good luck!

I remember your last thread as you came across so likeable and I was so fired up on your behalf.

Just take everything one step at a time. Before you know it, your trip will be over and you'll be back to start the rest of your life afresh. You are doing amazingly.

"I think that little by little I'll be able to solve my problems and survive." - Frida Kahlo

Hi op. I remember your other thread well.

Mindfulness might help in this case. It should ground you by bringing awareness to your breathing. It also helps to let go of anxiety regarding the future. Could you download headspace app on your phone? It could prove useful now and invaluable on the trip.

Try to remember the true purpose of this holiday to help you recover the excitement.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Op, with him behaving so oddly, you really should reconsider putting yourself and the dc in a dependent position. You say it's a dangerous country for a woman and dc, and you're intending to rely on him? He might be prepared to endanger you all to make a point. It's not worth it, there will be other opportunities.

Confide in someone here and where you are going about the stage things have reached and how your DH is behaving. You need to have a helper in case your DH does anything stupid.
Make sure you and the DC each have a sheet of paper with itineraries, passport numbers, phone no. For British embassy, prescriptions etc.

Shelve the educational project whilst on holiday

Is this at all possible?

Confide in someone here and where you are going about the stage things have reached and how your DH is behaving. You need to have a helper in case your DH does anything stupid.
Make sure you and the DC each have a sheet of paper with itineraries, passport numbers, phone no. For British embassy, prescriptions etc.

Exactly that ^

Get through then get out.

Much of the above sounds great advice for a family holiday to Italy. But presumably we're talking Iran or somewhere if it's dangerous for women and children as a PP pointed out there is much of the middle/far east that definitely does not fit that description.
I'm not sure it's at all wise with an abusiness marriage at crisis point to go somewhere where the level of risk adds up to being astronomical for you and the DC.

Would your university not fund an academic trip if one is needed?

Please stay safe. Ultimately that will affect your children's wellbeing more than any memorable holiday.

Found you!
I was really hoping you would come back and update.
Concentrate on your trip of a lifetime, and grey rock him all the way. Manage his behaviour this last time, because that's what it is, and make it the best trip you can.
God, isn't he infantile though. Hiding your meds. Dick.

Please make sure you have all essential paperwork, including your passport, tickets and money on you at all times.
That loser prick of a DH might hide them on you too.

What a colossal twat he is.

Thanks everyone

He is behaving normally this morning. I don't know what's going on. I just want to get there. It's not a war zone or Iran or anywhere like that, it's a Central American country I've been working with adults teaching them to read via Skype and this is s train a trainer week where i am training 50 of my pupils to teach others and pass the skill on. It's been a huge amount of organisation from West Yorkshire to Central America and I can't wait to meet everyone.

I have so so so many books packed. I am so excited.

I am probably being overdramatic, I've been feeling worried about him for years and suddenly realised how much I'm sacrificing.

Thanks everyone

This sounds like an amazing professional achievement for you! Try to enjoy this element of accomplishment and know that this is a turning point, and you’ll look back & remember this trip as an important time because things began to improve afterwards...... Best wishes to you

Why are you even considering still attempting this?

He is hiding essential medication. He is telling you very clearly he is in bits, and yet you are going to leave your children with him?

All this in a place that is dangerous to women and children???? Can ylu safely travel there alone?

What if he doesn't come, walks out, abandons you there.

You have to think clearly. This trip is not going to work if you are depending on him, or good will from him.

Your marriage is in crisis and you appear to just be ploughing on despite so many warning signs. I would pull out and start divorce proceedings. Your energies should be directed to getting your children settled, agreements in principle and getting your head together.

I thought it was the middle east - Saudi or Iran etc, so south america sounds better but I still don't think I would be leaving my children with someone describing themselves as 'head is in pieces' He doesn't sound very stable, which would not be so bad in Cornwall but would be a disaster if you truly need him to be on the ball.

How old are your children?

Is there anyone else that can take his place op?

Hide his passport. When you get to the airport get on the plane without him.

“you are going to leave your children with him?”

I read that as they are all traveling together but there will be times when she’s doing teacher training which might be boring for the kids, so the husband and kids will go do something touristy. OP, can you arrange organised tour groups or at least get the info together?

I would hire a local tour guide at very least. In a small village, this might just be the local busy body who would act as your shield/deterrent from others (begging/selling/petting you because you’re a novelty)

You say in your OP that you’re “desperate” and he’s “sabotaging plans and being obstructive”

Do you have plans on how to deal with any of this kind of behaviour when you’re abroad?

At the very minimum pleases take photo copies of all passports/visas with you. Also leave copies with friends here, so if they go missing you have reference numbers etc.

Also please have a stash of money that he knows nothing about and that you can get to.

I’m really quite worried about you and your dc. Your off to a country that can be dangerous for women and dc, with a man who thinks it’s ok to hide medication! Please be careful!

Op, I’m not convinced it’s all as bad as you’re trying to imply and if it is then you’re as bad as each other in your own ways . Someone has to be the grown up in this relationship and say this trip isnt going ahead. It’s foolhardy under the circumstances and I suspect you can’t see the wood for the trees.

OP - I remember well your last thread, and totally understand why you can't cancel or reschedule the trip, and why your hot-house flower of a husband is coming with you.

Grey rock it, all the way. lisasimpsonssaxophone has great advice, narrating in your head like a nature or anthropology documentary whenever he does odd or disruptive stuff.

Try not to let yourself get embarrassed by his behaviour in front of your friends / colleagues. They'll take their cue from you, so if you laugh stuff off or calmly ignore his tantrums, they'll relax too.

This is going to be an exercise in fortitude, but you can totally do it. Mindfulness is another brilliant suggestion. Pay as much attention as you can to the sights, sounds, smells, textures and tastes. Encourage your DC to do the same. Could be a helpful distraction technique when your husband carries on?

Keep posting here. We've got your back love

Op, I’m not convinced it’s all as bad as you’re trying to imply and if it is then you’re as bad as each other in your own ways

How can you possibly say that?

Those of us who read OP’s old thread know exactly how bad it is. I also understand why she can’t cancel the trip at such short notice.

How can you possibly say that?

Because it all sounds like nonsense. Someone hides your medication? And I do believe that by the way. And your priority is to go abroad with the person and leave your children with him so you can teach people to read? It’s not even a holiday. It’s the OP being hell bent on her project and disguising it any which way she can to the dettriment of her children first and foremost.

I think neither the Op nor her partner are capable of making good choices.

It's there really no way at all you can leave him at home? You had such a great time in London without him. I thought your dc were all teenagers - why do they need watching?