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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wise women, please help me enjoy time on holiday with DC when I know my marriage is over

79 replies

mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 11:42

Please help me, I feel utterly desperate. I have NC but I am sure some of you will recognise me.

Please don't judge me, I have received exceptional advice and insight on other threads and come to the sad decision that my marriage is over. It will be a long, slow and terrible process to separate and I am not ready yet. We have been together 25 years since we were 18, 2 DC. I have issues with co dependency and no family support. I am scared and feel very alone.

I have been saving for a holiday to a very significant place for me for 5 years. 5 years of saving every penny. We fly tomorrow morning. DH has been actively sabotaging the preparations and being obstructive. He has form for ignoring me for long periods of time and being unkind and defensive. He is irresponsible.

I cannot say that he cannot come on the holiday at this point. He has to come as I am working on an educational project and he will look after DC, it is a dangerous country for a woman and children alone and it is too late to make alternative arrangements.

Please help me find some calm. I feel so angry. Angry with him for continuing to act so irresponsibly, angry with me for letting him treat me like a mug for the last 25 years etc.

I have so so so much to do today and my head is spinning. He won't tell me if he has any money in his bank account, he won't start packing until tonight, he wont have a conversation about anything and most annoyingly he collected a parcel that arrived yesterday from our shed and promptly 'lost it'. It contains medication I need. I have asked him to find it 6 times. He just sent me a text telling me I am a bully and his 'head is in pieces. Leave me alone"

How do I cope with this idiot man child on holiday?

OP posts:
FiestaThenSiesta · 03/08/2018 11:47

Why have you name changed? It’s impossible - and irresponsible - to offer advice because there’s a huge and complicated backstory to this. I can’t even begin to process what you wrote without asking you a hundred questions first....

Can you get support on a previous thread where posters are aware of the history and can offer some emotional support?

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 11:51

I think DH might have been reading the thread. I'm sorry, I think I'm unravelling a bit. I just feel terrible. You're right thou my OP doesn't make sense. Sorry

I'm just looking for advice on how to stay calm and not get angry when I am provoked. How can I focus on DC and enjoy the time I have as I wont be able to afford to go again and I don't want to be bitter about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 11:51

I NC because I think DH might have been reading the thread. His behaviour has been odd, even by his standards.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 03/08/2018 11:57

Do the 'grey rock' Be dull and calm and don't react to anything he does. Every stupid, annoying, hurtful thing he does, smile to yourself and add it to the mental list of ridiculous things he has done that you can share with a friend over wine later ( also write an actual list which will keep you strong if you waver and he begs to come back and will be useful for your lawyer )

Liz38 · 03/08/2018 12:02

I think I recognise you from your previous thread but it makes no odds.

Firstly, you are where you are and nothing will change that. Until you are in a position to change your future, you can only manage the now. Can you keep your focus on why you're doing this, that it's a very special trip, that you can't do it alone and therefore although he's not contributing as you'd like him to, he is contributing and just grit your teeth till you are back? Find the good moments in the trip and let the hassle he causes go?

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 12:02

Thank you

OP posts:
Liz38 · 03/08/2018 12:04

Sorry, hit go too early! Was going to say, that's not advice for a lifetime, just a suggestion to get through the trip until you can address any changes you want to make.

I hope so much that this trip will give you what you want. The rest will wait till you get back if you can manage not to poke it with a stick!

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 12:04

You're right. I can do grey rock. I feel so bitter. I've realised how unfair everything's been. It's been a big shock

OP posts:
Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 12:05

I just want to see all my old friends and show dc this place I love. I don't understand why he wants to ruin everything :(
My brain keeps screaming at me

I appreciate the advice

OP posts:
FiestaThenSiesta · 03/08/2018 12:18

Maybe don’t focus on why he wants to ruin it, just accept he does and he will sabotage you as he can, to assure you’re miserable.

Prepare for the worst, think what he could do to really fuck you over (misplace passport, lose tickets or credit cards, that kind of thing) and preempt him. Put passports away safely. He won’t pack? Pack up some basics for him in a suitcase, his toiletries. Didn’t you tell me to start on yours? Oh I must’ve gotten it wrong. Doesn’t matter, does it.

Prepare that he will sulk and try to ruin everyday of your holiday.... sorry.

I almost wonder if it’s not worth letting him think he’s “won” an argument or get a reaction out of you... because it sounds like he’ll keep ramping it up until he does.

MinaPaws · 03/08/2018 12:44

Would it be helpful or useful to you to ask him calmly and kindly - 'Is going away too much for you? Would you feel happier if you stayed here and I took DC on my own to give you some head space?' Because then you and DC could go and actively enjoy yourselves.

I don't know your backstory but if both of you are really in pieces over yoru marriage falling apart then trying to be civil to him in a grey-rock way could help things stabilise a bit.

Shelve the educational project whilst on holiday. That's madness. Get an extension on it or ditch it or do it on your return.

And a bit of a cliche but you will get through this and you do have choices. You can cancel the holiday, go without him, go with him and be civil, go with him and rage at each other etc.

I'd always focus first on DC as they are the ones who have least power in a marriage break up. If there's any way of making sure they enjoy the holiday I'd make that happen. If they'll just be in a strange place with their parents at loggerheads... well that's very damaging as they don't have the secuirty of familiar places and people around them while their parents melt down. You have to avoid that, even if it means ditching the holiday.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2018 12:58

Is the country really thst dangerous for women alone? Is this up to date info?

Why have you chosen to save 5 years to go there if it's that bad?

I'm thinking its in the middle east...you don't have to respond....but I know expats in around the world and none have mentioned that level of danger you allude to.

Medication....can you get an emergency supply from your GP Explain that uour abused has withheld it.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 03/08/2018 13:33

Shelve the educational project whilst on holiday. That's madness. Get an extension on it or ditch it or do it on your return.

I think OP means that she is going to the other country to work on an educational project, and that’s the point of the trip.

OP, can you try to approach it as if he’s a difficult colleague that you have to deal with, but whose happiness isn’t really your concern? Just focus on what you want to get out of this trip and try to think about him as little as possible. I really am rooting for you, good luck and do keep posting here Flowers

KnobJockey · 03/08/2018 17:43

Hi OP, I've been following your thread, and I'm sorry to hear that his behaviour is escalating.

Your medication- is it essential? Can it be reordered to be picked up tomorrow morning? If not, is it worth telling your DH this is what you are planning, would he then 'luckily' find it since you have an alternative?

I agree with the previous poster, go pack your hand luggage yourself ASAP with passports, tickets, essentials. Don't give him the opportunity of losing it.

Does he know exactly what time your flight leaves? Can you plan/ tell him that you are leaving an hour earlier than you need you to, so you have factored in for any last minute 'emergency,' that may make you miss your flight?

If something happens, and the only option is to go by yourself- take it. Even if you don't get to do everything you have planned for the trip because of childcare, some is still better than all of it being ruined.

When you're away- enjoy it regardless. He says he doesn't want to do something, 'thats a shame,' and crack on and do it regardless. You can almost guarantee that he'll change his mind and come for your sake.

Prepare for him to be ill at least one day while you're away. A bit of sympathy, offer appropriate medication, go on your way.

He starts an argument- grey rock it, let him win, then go carry on with your amazing holiday.

I know much of this is easier said than done, but if you have some expectation of him trying to ruin it, it will affect you less than it coming out of the blue.

MinaPaws · 03/08/2018 17:44

@lisasimpsonssaxophone Oh, right, I hadn't worked that out. That makes it more complicated. I thought it was simply a longed-for holiday and you really don't want someone actively disrupting that.

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 18:44

Thank you all
I have done as advised. Told him an earlier, packed myself. I found the package of medication stuffed between plant pots in the greenhouse.
I am staying so calm. So so calm. I hope I can have a good time, it has been 5 years of working on this project.

Lisa Flowers thank you so so much xx

OP posts:
lisasimpsonssaxophone · 03/08/2018 18:53

Stuffed between plant pots in the greenhouse? Sad I’m sorry, that really does sound like a deliberate attempt to hide it. Either that or he’s really not well. Have you asked him what on Earth it was doing there?

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 19:00

He looked horrified when I showed him a photo of where I found it. I don't know what's going on. I just really need to do something for myself. I love him, I always have but he's like a millstone dragging me down. I can't do it anymore.

Wise women, please help me enjoy time on holiday with DC when I know my marriage is over
OP posts:
Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 19:01

I'm channelling Frida

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 03/08/2018 19:02

No don't ask about why the medication was in the greenhouse it will end in a pointless argument. Just prep for the trip, as others have said make sure all your essentials stuff is packed and somewhere he can't sabotage them. Don't engage with him, go grey rock.

avocadoincident · 03/08/2018 19:22

Please go abroad regardless of what he may throw at you between now and take off time.

Be brave, you can be strong. Show your children your strength.

You are not truly alone as this thread shows and you can continue talking on here whilst you are away and on your return. MN has a huge wealth of expertise, support and advice to give you.

Even if he decides he can't go at the last minute please try to go. Even if you come back sooner or don't achieve everything you hoped, do not let him destroy this opportunity.

If he comes along and decides to try and ruin it remain calm and smug in the knowledge that only you know inside that this is the end. This trip is a full stop for him but the beginning of a fresh new world for you💐 . Only you know that and you have the powerful upper hand. This is the start of your new life...how exciting! 💐

NewBlueGoo · 03/08/2018 21:15

Try and keep your focus on what you are doing, not what he is doing. Anytime he does something crazy, rather than puzzling over why he did it / hating him for it / remembering all the times he has done similar things, take a moment to refocus yourself on what you need and what you are aiming for, and what you need to do to achieve that. As you did with finding the parcels: you went and looked for them and you found them. You are resourceful and competent. Dwell on what is meaningful to you.

Original poster
mamacitarosita · 03/08/2018 21:41

God you're all good. It's like you know me. I've got this. All packed. hand luggage done. He's playing on his phone, I am calm and resourceful. He keeps throwing out random questions, I have calm considered answers. I can do it.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/08/2018 22:31

Can you cancel? It sounds like this isn't going to work and will be horrendous. You have the rest of your life to take this holiday. Get things sorted, take the hit on the money and the disappointment, and just get out of your marriage first. In a few years, you can arrange to go again in better circumstances.

LizzieSiddal · 03/08/2018 22:37

Are you sure he has to come? If you have friends where you are going can’t they help you?

I wish you luck. It sounds an awful situation.