Wwyd-been wendied but she has my stuff

[niketrainersarecomfy]

Hi
Just that. Best friend all of a sudden wanted no contact, took ages to reply to texts after yrs of texting every day. Weekly meets were reduced and if i asked she would suggest in 3 months time!
Turns out she has a new friendshio group particularly a new best friend and was irritated by me. I sent a birthday card and present and she thanked me coldly by text in march. I was gutted, but have my dignity so said 'its ok youre welcome'.
No texts since and she hadnt got in touch.
Im kind of ok now, though hurt, but wasnt humiliating myself by being unwanted.
However she has 200 quids worth of my stuff which id like back. Half of me wants it but i thunk being dignified and leaving it will make me feel better even though it pisses me off.
Wwyd?

Message and say you are coming round to collect your stuff and just go when you say you will

Get your stuff back.

Do you have a mutual friend who can fetch stuff for you?

Just tell her time and day you are going to collect your stuff and go and take it. She has no right to keep it.

Silly woman hope she realises what she has lost pdq then tell her to GTF.

What is the stuff? Can you afford to replace it or go without? for you, it is really horrible, been there myself and luckily have come out the other side with some good true friends. I took the silent approach and felt I kept my dignity, but it is very hurtful.

Hi thanks all.
I can afford to replace it but only second hand.
Unfortunately, with hindsight I know I've been used.
I'm quite academic, got a first, etc.
She was doing her degree and counted on me to proofread every assignment because she's dyslexic, to get the spelling and grammar perfect. I also advised on the content as well, and she passed a lot when she would have failed because the quality of her work was shocking, but I loved her as a friend, and wanted her to pass.
The time when she arranged a meet was for after her degree ended-I suggested meeting up as I'd spent weeks going through her dissertation with her and making sure she kept going, which included two all nighters. I'm making the point that I didn't do the work for her, but I helped massively in arranging her ideas coherently into a structure.
So after submission etc I suggested a meal out and she ummed and aahed and said, oh it will have to be after this this and this. Basically, I don't want to see you even though I'd helped her loads. Although in the past she's helped me as well. But I just thought it was a pisstake and now I know she held on until she got what she needed from me before fucking off with her new mates.
So the stuff is study stuff, books, stationary, computer stuff, etc etc. All cost me loads and I lent it. She hasn't been in touch to offer it back.
I don't know whether to think fuck it or take it back. I suppose she thinks of me like shit now anyway so getting them back wouldn't hurt.
The worst bit is if I see her she will be all false and 'oh hun it's great to see you we must catch up I've missed you', but then if I text it will be silence and cold replies.
I don't know what I did wrong.

Oh and after she'd finished she went on and on about 'paula' who had got her a bottle of wine to say well done, and how great paula was to do that.
Obvs Paula's the new best mate.

I don't know what I did wrong

You didn't o anything wrong.
You filled her need and then she didn't need you anymore.
That's people for you. They'll take what they need and once you stop providing they'll move on.

If you want lots of friends, learn to fix cars or computers. Your phone will ring endlessly.

And if I email for it back (have firmly decided not to text any more) then how would you tone the email? We used to be all exclamation marks and kisses but I can't face doing that any more.
How about:
Dear Brenda
I hope all is well. Do you still have the books etc I lent you? I will be in town in a couple of weeks and wondered if you could leave them at (where she now works) reception so I can pick them up?
Thanks a lot!
Nike

I certainly wouldn’t just leave your stuff there. Text her to say you will be collecting it. If she acts all false and talks about wanting to meet up etc, just pull her up on it. Be straight with her and I would certainly be telling her exactly how you feel and letting her know she only passed her exams because of the effort you out in to help her. Depending on which career she has chosen and whether or not her exams will help her, she might find she needs help in the future and she will realise what a lovely friend she had in you.

You sound like a brilliant friend, and remember YOU are the lucky one, she is the one who treats people like shit not you xx

What a user!! Im guessing she's uncomfortable knowing that she's not bright enough to have passed her course without you but if you're not in her life she can pretend to herself otherwise.

I think the way you worded it is fine.

I don't think you'll get your stuff back. She'll either not reply, or she has already got rid of it

Does she have dc? If so chances are she will be in around 8pm most nights (?), take someone with you and call round unannounced. You aren't expecting to call in for a cuppa, just a few mins on the doorstep while she grabs your things.
No opportunity to fob you off then.

Your email is far too submissive.

Term it as now that you’ve finished with my x and y I need them back. I can collect from Z location on either a or b dates. If this isn’t convenient please give a suitable alternative. Then add a flowery bit.

So sorry she’s used you like this.

I would be pleasant, you need your stuff back after you get it back, and I hope you do forget her.

She won't feel shit. I know that, I don't think she will have got rid of it. I know she has the stuff of a friend previous to when I knew her, this is a few years ago now. That friend never went to get them back..
So from experience I know if any of our mutual friends say anything, it will be met with a 'Oh Nike? I don't know. She got a bit full on for a bit but I haven't heard from her for ages'

Don't say "do you still have it?" Just say. "I'll be in xxxx on yyy so I'll pick up my stuff then."

Do you have a partner you can send in your place?

Her children are grown up. She is very well off-inheritance. It isn't the kind of house where you turn up, if you get what I mean. And of course, she's VERY busy.
Plus the thought of turning up and Paula being there, just puts me off entirely. I felt awkward going as it was. In fact, I never felt I could be myself, she was so 'superior' to me, I thought at the time, that I was lucky to know her.

I'd go to fetch your things. She's a user. She had a use for you so you were here best mate until she didn't have a use for you any more.
Get your stuff and move on.

Yes just text and say you neef your stuff and will be calling round for it on X date unless she lets you know she is busy and suggest an alternative. Good idea from a pp to bring a friend of yours with you when you go to collect it. If she has got rid of it she should pay you for it and don't let her off, a friend with you might give you confidence to ask for that if she has.

I'm sorry to say she sounds like a bit of a user and you will just have to move on from her as a friend, but at least get your things back.

Also don't let her superior act bother you, she has acted badly and should be the one feeling uncomfortable. If Paula is there blank her completely and just focus on getting your stuff.

Yes I suppose.
I won't fall for it again. If I had charged for the work it would be a few hundred quid, hours and hours of my time. Although I know the counter argument would be 'well you could have said no at any point', so I don't know. I used to dread opening my emails by what was left. The reference list took me 3 days alone.

Dear Brenda
I hope all is well. I need the books etc. back that I lent you, I will be in town in a couple of weeks, please leave them at (where she now works) reception, I'll be picking them up on 'x' date.
Thanks.
Nike

I'd also attach a list of items you want returned, so she doesn't 'forget' anything.