Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Middleage3 ..that's what this thread seems to be like. Posters have written things I so could have written and identify with. I feel so bad that my husband didn't fall in love or can't acting living towards me ...feeling so bad about myself but on here I am thinking it's the aspergers unfeeling part of him.

I too and dreading time off and more time with him. When there's time there's no reason why he couldn't be caring friendly or even talk to me. Time off shows it's a failed sad broken relationship. The loneliness is so tough.

How's Christmas going for you all? My DP loves the idea of Christmas, each year hoping it'll be like the Christmasses he had when he was young, but finds the reality very disappointing.

He had two Christmas parties last week. He'd been really looking forward to them. He was home from the first at half 10 (had been looking for a taxi from 9), from the second by half 9. We did, thankfully, have a Christmas meal with friends at the weekend which went much better, partly, I think, because there were only four of us there and they know him very well, so did could be himself. There's still more than a week to go.....

I'd hear about alexithymia a while ago and didn't really think it fitted, until someone posted a link to a test recently. I filled it in as him, and got fairly high, so sent it to him to do. He scored very highly. It certainly explains a few things.

@Time, that's interesting; my DH & I also did the online AS test, which put him at borderline, so he was almost smug. Then we both did the Alexythimia test; I got 10, he got 28. He accused me ( half joking ) of rigging it. Also similar patterns around organised socialising; he secretly looks forward to them but is outwardly childishly resentful that he has to go. He never ever gives me any details or even chats about them." Yeah, it was fine."
Its always hard to tell if he actually genuinely likes any gifts he gets, too, as he has a one-expression-fits-all policy.

@Foxy333, sorry you're feeling so low. I was tearful all day yesterday about the birthday thing.

But today after a bad night, DH got up and drove me to a work appointment and picked me up, a 1.5 hour round trip each way, to save me a difficult journey.

I have to learn to take these practical things, that he does gladly, as the reassurance and affection I need. I have to stop yearning pointlessly for something he can't give and doesn't understand.

I think counselling is helping me to realise this and turn it into
ideas for change.

I'm also reading a lot, eg Lovett, JP, Solutions for Adults with Asperger Syndrome.

Hello and I am so glad I found this thread.

I am dating a man I am fairly sure is ASD. I have close family members who are ASD so it's very familiar to me and I love so many things about him but lately I am struggling a little with the emotional intimacy side of things.

He's immensely supportive, kind, practical, loving and affectionate to me but the emotional side of things can be hard with me becoming frustrating that he perhaps doesn't "feel" the way I do.

I'm generally pretty patient with it, and understand I sometimes have to be very direct and he says empathy is a bit of a learned behavior for him (and he does very well) but sometimes something goes funny in my head and I feel a bit like I am being rejected.

I am just wondering if anyone in an ASD relationship or with ASD can offer me any advice for making this type of relationship work? I feel terrible in some ways as I know he's a bit mystified and wants to make me happy and I don't want him to feel inadequate but at times it also makes me feel a bit lonely.

I will go back now and read through the thread!

Hi everyone!

@wednesdayschildren as you are already here on the thread while just dating, if I were you I would reconsider this relationship.

It took me 7 years to understand how hard it is to live with someone with different emotional needs & expectations because pre-marriage and for the first bit of marriage my H masked it well.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have made different decisions. Good luck with whatever you decide xx

That feeling of being rejected is important. I'm really struggling with it. No answers yet. Reading this thread has been helpful but you won't find much optimism ☹️

This whole thread is a little depressing. What about those of you with sons with ASD and their future dating and marriage prospects (if any)?

@wednesdayschildren I agree with @Moffa. My exDP (diagnosed ASD)'s mother manages her life reasonably happily with her ASD husband - but she's a woman who can (and I suspect she's on the spectrum very slightly herself). Me, on the other hand, super-sensitive could not cope with the feelings of rejection and I'm still a little if a shell of myself. Back dating (online, well trying to) and have realised how much of my confidence has been knocked after years of that.
I would take your feeling "funny" as a warning sign that maybe this relationship might not be for you. Just my opinion though - it's definitely worth you talking about this with your boyfriend.

Scott I have a ds who is exactly like DH.
He sometimes drives me mad by his lack of appearance caring and he is my child.
I know that him marrying someone who is NT with lots of empathy is going to be an issue.
My hope (from watching people around me who are in the spectrum) is that he will meet someone who is also on the spectrum because otherwise him and his partner will suffer a lot from the whole situation.

But the reality is that I’ve had to accept that his ability to form and happy and long lasting relationship is probably lower than other people.
I also know he is very keen to say his preferred way of life is at the back of beyong with no one else around so he might never settle with someone anyway.
But the bottom line. A disability makes life harder. And his is going to make relationships in general, not just his love life, harder. And I can’t do nothing about that (and certainly not expect NT people to just put up with behaviours that hurtful to them)

@wednesdayschildren I also agree with @Moffa If I knew years ago, what I know now, I would have made a very different decision regarding my relationship.

Please proceed with a view to self care and good luck with whatever you decide regarding your partner.

Thank you to everybody for commenting. As I mentioned, I have close family members (including a parent, sibling and child) with ASD so it's familiar to me but I am experiencing it to be actually totally different when it's your partner because it's harder not to take personally. I started to read the first few pages of the thread and it felt very sad!

I've never found the relationship with my child or sibling difficult. They can sometimes be blunt and unsentimental but they show love in so many ways that I wouldn't change either of them for the world. The way my child sees the world makes me really happy on a daily basis and I wish more people were like that, and I feel sure he's capable of really deep love and emotional connection. Although he says the reason he turned out the way he did was because he had such a soppy mother to compensate otherwise he'd be cold and unfeeling!

He's quite funny actually, if I am sad or ill he comes and brings me gifts and he says "just so you know, this empathy thing doesn't come naturally but I love you so I do it!".

My relationship with my ASD parent is strained, as he can be cold, often dismissing, often unemotional and at times has said cruel things in the guise of honesty so I can see how it can swing either way. I think I remember telling him I needed a hug and him saying "that's what your mother is for". Things like that have been pretty constant.

My relationship with BF isn't like that. He's never unkind or dismissing and he tries really hard to do and say the right things. I can see him making verbal notes of what makes me happy versus sad and trying very hard to do those things but sometimes it's rehearsed. But at times he accidentally makes me feel rejected and he also doesn't seem to experience the same depth of emotion I do.

It's all so hard. I'm going to try and talk to him about this and be blunt about what I need from him. See if that helps. I did joke with him that I bought DS cards to show me what he was feeling when he was 5 and I could dig them out now!

Wednesday - Although I've gone through difficult times with DP it's far from all bad, so I wouldn't give up just yet. The fact you've already realised he may be on the Spectrum so early on is a good thing, as you're going in to it with your eyes wide open, and can do lots of reading around. Plus, you've got experience with others so know what you're letting yourself in for.

Does he know / admit he may be on the Spectrum? If he does, or is, at least, open to the idea, that's helpful.

Look up the 5 love languages. They are relevant to all people, but is very much worth bearing in mind here. As is so common, my DP finds it hard to show emotional support, but is very good with the practical. I know that, so can (usually) accept it.

When he inadvertantly makes you feel rejected, try to remember it's not him that's doing the rejecting but the Asperger's. It strangely helps an awful lot (for me, at any rate) by remembering to blame the condition, not the person.

Reading the 5 Love Languages is what reinforced my decision to leave my ex. I don't think that was 100% to do with the ASD though - more about what I wanted / how I give love. I can't remember the specific 2 I came out with but it was something about validating and touch.
Just remember though that those are things some NT men can't provide as well.

Thanks so much @TimeIhadaNameChange. I noticed very early he was on the spectrum (bad at vocalising emotions, methodical in thought, rigid patterns, very strict routines he didn't like etc) and I told him, he passed it off at first, but when I showed him a description later if said "okay, yes, that's me". We've not really discussed it very much. to be honest it's only very recently it's gotten me down as I think I was waiting for the big emotional discussion that never came.

His love language is definitely acts of service and physical affection. In terms of the acts of service, it's off the charts. He can't do enough for me. All I ever hear when I have a problem is his solutions or "tell me how I can be useful", and I think this is how he loves me.

It's the last couple of weeks I have been feeling insecure as the words are lacking. He tells me words all the time that are sweet (like constant "you are so pretty, all the time, even when you think you're not", but never anything emotional if that makes sense!

I do need to talk to him, which I'll do this week and explain how I feel. I don't want to make him feel inadequate because this isn't his fault but I do definitely feel lonely at times because that element is missing. I might have to really reframe things for this to work.

Does anyone get really frustrated with the situation from time to time? I know things are how they are. I know I have a far better handle on him, and the situation, than he does. I know that, however hard it is for me, it's so much harder for him. But still, grrrrrrrr!

(Sorry, typed out a huge rant then deleted it. Too boring and outing. The crux of the matter is I have so much awareness about things and he doesn't. He can trample over my emotions without realising, then, in the same sentence need me to bolster his. Except he has no idea that's what he's asking for. I'm his security blanket, yet he'd never admit that in a million years, to himself, let alone to anyone else!)

wednesday - Yes, reframing things is the way to go. Just be warned, there will be times, as I've just demonstrated, where they still frustrate you, despite all the reframing. But all relationships have their problems. And I'm ok. I'm really laughing at how ludricrous things can get, but just needed to let it out somewhere safe.

Hi everyone. Just reading through all your posts makes me feel comforted, that I'm not alone.

Although I'm not married, I was in a lovely but very challenging relationship with a man who had ASD. We overcame so many obstacles together and I grew to understand him very well. I helped him to understand himself too.

When I first met him he to,d me he didn't have feelings. However, with my help, he now understands that alexithymia makes it very difficult for him to understand his emotions. He does seem to understand more negative emotions, e.g jealousy, anger etc.

He also suffers from bouts of depression, which I believe is due to the fact that he cannot regulate his emotions (he detests his job and it causes increased stress levels). This then results in him shutting down for a few months. During these times he blocks me out, only me, but then again he hasn't told anyone else about his depression.

Over the two years we were together, he has pushed me away on more than one occasion. Giving reasons such as:

• I've given it time and I don't feel any different
• you care more than I do
• you deserve better
• you know I don't get excited but I should get excited by us and I don't

Yet, when he is feeling more positive and his depression lifts, he has come back to me and apologised. I feel,this time is different. He shut me out, as a usual, told me the same things I've heard many times before. "There's no cure, it'll happen again, you deserve better." I was furious this time as we had agreed strategies to try, when his depression reared it's head again. I suffer from depression too so fully appreciate that when that cloud of doom is hovering, all reason can go out of the window.

I miss him so much. We tried to be friends but it was too hard for me. I do not think he will come back to me this time. He is getting counselling this time, which he hasn't has whilst being with me. I am annoyed but know I shouldn't be that he's getting help "for relationships" but shunned me. I know he cared as much as I do but does not understand it.

We have taken our time in this relationship, not rushed anything because the timing wasn't great for either of us when we met. It was definitely growing and we got closer than ever, closer than we thought possible.

Both of us ave abandonment issues from childhood. It scared me that we were getting so close and I told him so. When we discussed this during our break up meeting, he said "maybe that was the trigger for me." Meaning he too was scared. He as very unkind and hurtful when I last saw him , saying things that should have stayed in his head. I know from experience, this is how he can be and it is part of ASD.

Sorry, I'm going on and on but I am in a state. It's been 2 months since we parted. A month since I saw him. We don't really speak anymore. I would really welcome your advice on depression and ASD. Is this common? Do any of you have experiences of your partner pushing you aside?

Thanks in advance.
I'm off work because it all got too much - other reasons too. It will really help me if I can understand more about this.

No experience with DH but depression and anxiety are fairly common in ASD.

It sounds as though you were trying to be his therapist as well as his partner, which is really difficult as you can never have the objective view a therapist needs.

Would you want him back when he's feeling better?

Kiki, he has enough self awareness to know he'd make a poor long term partner, reading through this thread you see he has a point. And depression and anxiety have been shown to be more common in people with ASD, which is understandable. Having someone to talk to can help with these, but if this is causing you such discomfort you need to look after yourself first.

He as very unkind and hurtful when I last saw him , saying things that should have stayed in his head. I know from experience, this is how he can be and it is part of ASD.

I don't think this is part of ASD. That's just him being an asshole.

I was on this thread much earlier but have come back, with a seasonal name-change. We're away for Christmas, staying with family (mine) and circumstances mean it's basically down to us to organise it all. Christmas is always a flashpoint for me.

Once again I'm struggling with DH's almost total passivity and inability to take any initiative at all in boring everyday life. I have a huge list of things to do and am juggling a million things in my head and yet he seems not to realise that he could help. He does occasionally ask me 'is there anything you want me to do?' but again, this leaves me with the entire mental load.

Otherwise he just follows me around silently (him not talking is another bugbear - sometimes I feel if I didn't make conversation we'd sit in total silence for hours). It's like having a dreamy 5-year-old who needs to be instructed in minute detail on how to do every single tiny thing....for example, I'd bought something that needed to go into the freezer and he unpacked the shopping bag then stood with this item in his hand and opened a kitchen cupboard and just stood there in total puzzlement. The freezer where we're staying (and where he's been visiting for over 20 years) is in another room and he uses it every day.

He told me recently that he was depressed - this was after I finally lost it with him a bit over his relentless negativity and disdain for things he considers intellectually beneath him, which drags me down so much and makes me feel judged. I try to be fair but when I think about it all I just feel hopeless that we seem to be in this parent-child mode in which it's practically my job to tie his shoelaces and blow his nose, while he lives inside his head and doesn't communicate any of his thoughts with me. I don't want it to be like this

God. Sorry for the epic post

We have resorted to a primary school approach: a whiteboard with a list of jobs for each of us (so it's not just about him and to remind him how much I do).
We've started listing everything that needs to be done each week and dividing the list up into red, amber and green- things he will never do so I have to, things he may be able to do and things either of us could do.

Just this simple approach has led to his disclosing things I didn't know, like anxiety about going out of the house and fear of failure at quite trivial things.

Now these things are on the table we can talk about them instead of me pointlessly fuming.

Wishing everyone on the thread a peaceful Christmas 🎄

^ This. A peaceful Christmas to us all 🎄🍷🎅🏼

It’s not peaceful here! I have done literally EVERYTHING for Christmas & we had 1 toy to build tonight & he’s gone to bed in a huff. Apparently I have chosen something too complicated and he will have to get up at 4am to build it! I said most couples would grab a bottle of wine & have a laugh building it together. So here I am alone on Christmas Eve surrounded by an unbuilt toy & wishing he would just fuck off. He sucks the joy out of everything.

Merry Christmas everyone! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! X

@Moffa I hear you!
When my 3 boys were young I spent Christmas Eve prepping, stayed up till 1am ish to fill stockings while my XH went to bed early because he was tired. Of course he was, he worked full time in a very demanding job, but I worked part time in a very demanding job too, and did all the domestic stuff and childcare. I spent every Christmas Eve resentful. And i spent Christmas Day building Lego because XH couldn’t be arsed.

These days the boys are grown, I’m now married to ASH. Christmas is a miserable affair, just the 2 of us, watching his rather sad choice of cartoons on TV. My YS and his GF were here over the weekend and were like a breath of fresh air. ES and wife will be here early New Year.

I dream of living alone, near the boys, perhaps having them pop in after work for tea every so often, and a peaceful family Christmas once again.

Love to us all 💐