Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

@Aloethere I wish my insomnia had at least been timely enough so I was awake to talk to you when you posted this.
You are NOT pathetic. I just think maybe you've come to a crossroads and are feeling despair because you don't see a way out.
Your comment "I'm not sure I can do it without him".! I felt the same, but I learnt later that that's what the Cassandra Syndrome is telling us. Do you have kids, do you work, can you work out a way to get out of this financially?

@Aloethere and others - Maxine pretty much spells it out (scientifically) for those who are struggling in an Aspergers marriage; www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/

Hi all (active and lurkers) :-)

Hot off the press and in addition to my previous post.

Some of you may know from reading previous threads that I left my partner with ASD this year. It was a hard decision.
Since then, I've being going through therapy to try to work out why I am so anxious, insecure, suffering panic attacks and generally feeling like I can't connect with people.
Today, my psych told me about the new update to the DSM-V - this is the international manual that sets out, for all mental health issues plus disorders (schizophrenia, personality disorders) the criterion for which to diagnose.

They have now listed out a new disorder called "Affective Deprivation Disorder". Maxine Easton (the leading specialist in ASD for those who don't know) drove this but it's now being accepted worldwide.

This is us.

www.maxineaston.co.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

I am crying as I read this.
But, being flippant, at the very least, now partners can justify sick leave based on this newly classified disorder..

Just found this:
theneurotypical.com/cassandra_phenomenon.html. - written in 1987

now partners can justify sick leave based on this newly classified disor

Should have read "now ASD partners can justify sick leave based on this newly classified

The concept of relational disorder in DSM-5 is different from what Maxine Aston promotes.

This article is descriptive and doesn't provide any new evidence, so I don't know if it will carry much weight.

Are you in the US, @midcenturylegs? Have you heard of insurers accepting it as a diagnosis?

I'm struggling through 'Loving Mr Spock' but getting annoyed with the sweeping generalisations. Has anyone else tried reading it (sorry if someone has said so and I've missed it).

And hello, @Aloethere and welcome.

As someone who is Autistic I often wonder how hard it must be for my husband 😔

@Aloethere I’ve been there - it’s not pathetic it’s real and what it’s like
I too have been with DH all my adult life . I spent much of my thirties feeling confused and bewildered. I thought I was depressed when the kids were little and it was all my fault.
The dawning realisation of what’s actually going on and it’s not going to change is hard to take .
I am sure on the surface I have a nice life - good job , nice house , hobbies and friends but there is a real empty void of love , affection, physical touch and feeling valued. It’s hard

WeMarchOn thé answer for me is ‘It depends’

I have two good friends who are on the spectrum. One diagnosed with PDA, ASD (and a few other things). She is lovely, would be very hard work to live with when she is down (very self centered) and she can be missing so many clues!
The other is self diagnosed (since her ds was diagnosed) and is really lovely.

I’ve known them for years. They are and will stay my friends AS or not. I would struggle to live with the first but would get on well with the second.
For me, the difference seems to be the Alexithymia and how severe it is. That seems to be what is making things so much more difficult (and really hard with H).

But someone else might have issues with other sides of AS.
I also suspect men and women won’t be finding the sawmill issues challenging

Bottom line, if things are working for you and your DH, then they are.

I spent much of my thirties feeling confused and bewildered. I thought I was depressed when the kids were little and it was all my fault.
The dawning realisation of what’s actually going on and it’s not going to change is hard to take .
I am sure on the surface I have a nice life - good job , nice house , hobbies and friends but there is a real empty void of love , affection, physical touch and feeling valued. It’s hard

That’s me to a T too.

@EtVoilaBrexit we have been married 12 years so either he is very patient or i do ok.
I have OCD co morbid, it's contamination OCD so he knows what needs to be done ie wash his hands to relieve my anxiety.

Name-change time. Decided I don't like the references to a sci-fi character, much as I'm fond of him.

@aloethere I can relate to EVERYTHING you said. And @middleage3.

My life isn’t ‘bad’ and I have a good quality of living, luckily lots of gorgeous friends and hobbies. I have two utterly delightful DC’s. But I miss having natural affection, touch and fun (as a couple).

I just watched a video about atom Hanks & his wife and they seem genuinely happy & in love. It hurts to see couples like that.

He is making an effort, he spent a couple of hours with us today and we went and got a tree but then he went back to work.

A friend left her husband 3 weeks ago. Is it mad that I envy her?

Anyway, it’s great to have this place to share. I really need it.

Hi everyone, I've just joined here, Im a retired female with an AS husband,2 daughters and an AS grandson, I felt a real need today to have a rant, I'm sorry it will be a bit negative, most days Im fine, but needed to vent to someone who understands.
I knew my hubby was different a long time ago, we've been married over 40 years, most of the time its good, but sometimes its very hard, I started suffering with anxiety& panic attacks a few months after meeting my husband, and they have continued on and off over the years, although I have a very good understanding of them nowadays through much reading.
Today has just been hard, basically my As hubby went to the shop which is 5 minutes away, and came home 2 hours later, he'd been to a neighbours, and when I asked if there was any news/gossip he just said no,this might seem a ridiculous thing to get upset about! and I'll probably laugh at myself tomorrow, but over the past 4 months, we have had long talks and were trying to get closer, and now it seems that his light is gone from me once again, what I mean by that is when he is interested in me, it is like the sun is shining on me and I feel so loved and valued, he really tries, and I know he loves me, but then I think it either becomes too hard for him, or his interest turns back to his interest, which is mechanical things.
When I try to explain why I feel upset he simply becomes distant and quiet, because he doesnt know how to handle my feelings, and hopes it will just 'go away' over time,so I sit feeling horrible and anxious,whilst worrying if he is ok,it ends up always being about him.I will post more over time, thank you for this thread!

Welcome Raggydol.
Your post resonated with me, especially “it ends up always being about him”.

I’m retired too , and finding life so much more difficult since my husband retired 9 months ago. Everything we do has to be what he wants and the way he wants it. He doesn’t seem to get that I am a separate person with my own opinions. I fight every single day to retain just a little bit of autonomy, just a little bit of myself.

Anyway, you’ll find lots of support here, and also on
www.different-together.co.uk.

Take care

Today I'm at an all-day conference on autism- booked months before I realised DH was on the spectrum. Could be interesting, just hope it's not too close to the bone.

Sounds interesting ISing, let us know how it goes.

Marking place . Read mist of thread need to read later. Marriage over 15 yrs no empathy no affection thought he was a sweet man but he can be so cruel . I'm so sad and see no solution.

I've recently discovered that most, if not all, of my DH's cruelty was unintentional, though none the less painful at the time. Looking back with a better understanding of his disabilities takes some of the sting out of those memories.

But there's another kind of hurt in having to understand that there are some feelings we just can't share.

he doesnt know how to handle my feelings, and hopes it will just 'go away' over time,so I sit feeling horrible and anxious,whilst worrying if he is ok,it ends up always being about him.

Raggydoll, this is a bit familiar. DH recently admitted that when I try to tell him how I feel he usually doesn't take it in. He just waits for it to be over.

Hello again, I am reading with interest. A couple of things happened this week to knock me off course again.DH has got as far as self-referral from local AS group. he showed me the print out assessment questionnaires he'd completed as he wanted me to go through them with him before he sends them off. Has anyone else done this with their partner? I read all his answers and some of them were IMO, SO off the reality of what he actually is like at home; i asked him about this and he said he's answered them from the POV of his general whole life, which basically means his work environment. Does this make sense? At work he has no problem taking control, being the boss, being sociable, trouble-shooting etc. At home he makes me go into the pub first and piggy-backs on my social circle, even though he doesn't particularly like most of them. We haven't had a sexual relationship for 3 years, so when the question came up 'are you more sexually attracted to strangers than to those close to you' I wasn't surprised when he answered 'strangers'. Not surprised, but still devastated. He breezed past it without a second thought.I'm still reeling, even though I know it was the truth; he passed me over for Porn from early marriage.
The other thing happened during a slightly tense discussion about how much money to spend on christmas. He is not particularly careful with money; he works hard and earns well, and we have a comfortable existence.I am self employed and am earning, but not much yet. However, i never know how much is in the bank, and he knows i have an overdraft whereas he doesn't. His exact line was ' Money is never a problem. Unless you divorce me. And then I will be brutal.'
It really felt like the first truly honest thing he has ever said about himself. Later he said he'd been joking, but I know there was enough of the truth serum consumed beforehand and the tone with which he spoke; he wasn't joking.
I veer from thinking I can manage, and carry on, to feeling desperately trapped, sick with the certainty that this will never be the relationship I thought and that I will be emotionally neglected as long as I stay. I've been on the breadline before; the fear of going back is a powerful influence and I hate myself for feeling it.

Something similar happened with us @closetoptimist. DH answered the questionnaires based on his life with me supporting him, so for example he said he had no problem socialising with friends. In fact he has no friends and never brings anyone to the house. I got him to re-do them, taking me out of the picture, and his scores shifted significantly. Sounds as though your DH needs to do them once for work and once for home.

Took a step backwards this morning. I brought up the subject of my birthday. It was in the summer and he's done nothing about it. We have discussed it in therapy and he knows how much it means to me. He's told me how much he enjoys the way I celebrate his birthday. I've offered to go and choose something by myself or take DD with me. But he was cold and detached talking about it. I can't face it now.

My marriage is utterly without feeling on his side . He is distant cold and so inconsiderate to me it's beyond belief. E.g. I'll open up to him about being heartbroken , sob my heart out again and again, and I'll get no response, silence uncaring, disinterest.

We have been acting ok in front of the children for about 4 or 5 years now but when they are not around ....I get silent treatment or just cheery, everything is fine there's no problem. Makes me feel like I am going crazy.

He says he wants to stay and he is a bit sad we're not close ( when I used to try and get on with him all the time) but because he wants us to stay together then he thinks thst means we should and there's no problem.

He likes to ignore the issue. We are totally distant estranged ; have week after week after week with no conversation. It's so hard, very impractical to live in a house with 3 children and discuss nothing. I just do everything on my own.

I feel all hope is gone. I used to think he wanted to get us back together, close, normal, caring, kind of ok.

Now I think that's not ever going to happen. So no point in carrying on keep waiting for it to happen. Waiting for him to wake-up is hopeless.

Sorry for long selfish rant and moan on here. I'm so sad and down I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My son has aspergers and husband also,
undiagnosed I reckon. He's never obviously discussed it, as he discusses nothing. He thinks his lack of feeling is normal and I'm weird for wanting some odd, weird mystical connection with him. He says "Why don't I just stop being unhappy and we would both be fine.

@Foxy333. I could have written your post word for word .....
I live my own life - DH can’t see it and will never ever get it
I actually dislike this time of year as it will be coming up to time off work . Whilst I desperately need a break - my eyes around my home life open up and I realise how lonely and empty my marriage is.
It won’t change