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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

941 replies

picklemepopcorn · 03/08/2018 10:04

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

OP posts:
mydogisanidiot · 01/12/2018 12:01

I am useless at giving advice but his giving up drinking is a hugely positive step. Do you think he will stick with not drinking in the long run? He's listening to you which is also a great sign.

Be careful though, my DH made big changes and promises when I wanted to leave. Ten years later and he's gone back to making very little effort. Right now he is still in his dressing gown. I'm ill and have had a hard week at work, he's been at home and done sod all. Now he's busy writing work emails when the house is a tip, laundry needs doing, all the boring shit stuff he never notices. I'm so sick of this.

mydogisanidiot · 01/12/2018 12:08

MrsSpocksSister that looks really interesting, and glad things are looking positive for you. I'll have a look at the Lorna Wing info now.

nickhurley465 · 01/12/2018 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsSpocksSister · 02/12/2018 20:53

How has the weekend been for everyone?

We were away seeing our daughter at university, which always makes us both happy. He made an effort to shave and look respectable or at least clean and tidy Smile Baby steps.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/12/2018 09:54

Saturday was good. We'd invited a couple of his colleagues round, so I spent the day cooking whilst he thoroughly scrubbed down the house. We had a great evening, though he got drunk very quickly (surprisinly, he'd stuck to my rules of how much he could drink earlier on in the day, but it still meant he got there much faster than everyone else) so after dinner he retreated to his chair. Not a huge problem (same room) but I felt slightly uncomfortable.

Sunday was slow (both recovering from lots of food and drink) but not unpleasant. However, he'd been so looking forward to the night before that I think Sunday was a let down and he ended up getting very depressed about life. It really was not a great end to the weekend.

He's still down. He stropped because there was no sugar for his coffee this morning. I offered him golden granulated instead, but that wasn't what he wanted. He then left the house leaving lights and the heating on (though at least he fed the cat, something I usually have to do when I'm trying to run out the house). I've got a feeling it's going to take a while to get him out of this mood.

MrsSpocks - thanks for the LW info. I really don't know how much that does reflect DP. I'll have to have a think about it.

MrsSpocksSister · 04/12/2018 23:54

Our appointment tomorrow. DH not worried, not particularly anxious. Will report back.

Moffa · 05/12/2018 00:38

How did it go @mrsspockssister?

H is making an effort to join the family. We might even go & get a Christmas tree on Sunday.....

closetoptimist · 05/12/2018 09:36

In desperation to try and explain how our relationship make me feel in words he will understand, I have found this link. Can anyone else 'tick' all the boxes on the right?
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html

Is there ANY hope? I feel like the love I felt at the beginning has dissipated into pity and a sense of obligation.

midcenturylegs · 05/12/2018 10:31

@closetoptimist I don't really understand the structure of that table but my God everything resonates. Brings it all flooding back. I split my ASD partner earlier this year and I'm still having therapy for it (the effect his ASD has had on me over the years, not the split) :-(

happytiredmummy · 05/12/2018 14:42

Wow this really has been eye opening. Me and my partner have been together 18 months. He told me he had Asperger's (he doesn't meet the full criteria when assessed though) early on and I had little idea what it was as I didn't see it. He masked the behaviour well to start with and I honestly though maybe I was the one in the wrong every time we did have a full out. I have BPD so my emotions are intense anyway, but I've had a lot of therapy and can now see he's the problem and not me. I love him dearly and he can be wonderful, but when he is upset with me, he can make my whole world feel like it's coming down. He can be so cold and say such hurtful things. I had a termination at the start of year as he wasn't ready for the baby and it was a mistake on both our parts. It broke my heart, but he was so unsupportive during the procedure and afterwards. he refused to talk about it once it was done and I was left to grieve on my own and never mention it again. I moved in with him 4 months ago against my better judgement and I do worry what the future will hold. He can be affectionate, cuddly, kissing, saying he loves me, but I do notice his lack of interest when I talk about myself or my feelings. The red flags are there, but I love him so much. I feel like he's trapped me a bit as he's helped me out money wise and I've given up my home to move in with him and now it's hard for me to get out. At the moment it's 80% all good, but I worry about what will happen in the future. Sorry to go on a bit.

LittleMy77 · 05/12/2018 16:00

close thanks for posting that. There's probably only 4 that aren't ticked for me (the safety and abuse ones) but the rest are Sad

This weekend just gone we had another round of arguments about a lack of emotional support that is blindingly bloody obvious (not posting too many details as its very outing) Evry time we have to have a conversation about something like that, and how it made me feel, I think a piece of me shrivels up and dies inside.

It sounds dramatic but I find it humiliating and that I'm basically scrambling for any crumb of emotional connection. DH is horrified when I tell him that I feel this way, and feels awful about it. But it doesn't change despite us doing 10 months of counseling. I'm not even sure he's on the spectrum, but DS is suspected and now I know a lot of the traits, I can't help think DH is. But then I think maybe thats the easy way out? Who knows.

MrsSpocksSister · 05/12/2018 20:18

Little, you may well be right. I was. And if so, pressing for crumbs of emotional connection (as we see it) can't work. It would be a bit like pressing a deaf person to hear better.

I used to think if DH didn't seem to understand how I felt, I just needed to tell him. I'm starting to grasp that that's never going to work either.

We now have a firm diagnosis. It's going to take a while for me to get my head round it and work out where we go from here.

MrsSpocksSister · 05/12/2018 20:20

And welcome, @happytiredmummy. Hope you will find it helpful to compare notes with some of us.

closetoptimist · 06/12/2018 09:06

@MrsSpocksSister, I used to think that toothat I just needed to articulate and change my tone, tailor the way I communicated and he would have a better understanding. Butas you say--if the capacity is not there, you cannot create it. A dear friend with an AS H and 2 As Ds advised me that turning myself inside out just will not work. I have morphed into so many different emotional shapes in order to fit around him and try and mould a semblance of the relationship I thought we had. He, too spent the first year masking; Ive only just realised how accomplished he is at it.recently when I was privy to him in his work surroundings I couldn't believe the difference: a different man; Jokey, confident, proactive. IN CHARGE! At home I get the version with the batteries taken out.

happytiredmummy · 06/12/2018 09:59

Does anyone know the chances of having a child with ASD if one of the parents has it. Is it much harder than neurotypical child?

Floppywillow · 06/12/2018 17:48

Closeoptimist they are always different at work as not emotionally attached so to speak. Mine too is a different person at work and changes at home because he does not have to pretend. It's hard.

Floppywillow · 06/12/2018 17:50

Happytiredmummy I teach and there appears to be more children on the spectrum. When you meet one or the other of their parents they usually have similar traits.

MrsSpocksSister · 06/12/2018 21:42

HTM we've asked about genetic counselling for our daughter but it's not governed by a single or a few genes but by many. Hard to assess risk. We were just told to have a few words with her if she seemed about to marry someone on the spectrum. She doesn't have any features herself but is dyslexic with a strong genetic loading.

LittleMy77 · 07/12/2018 01:03

mrsspock I think I'm at the same realization now. He's also there (from the other side) he wants to connect but says he doesn't know how and just can't plug the gaps and doesn't know why.

He says he used to be different one when we met he was- I suspect knowing what I know now, that he successfully masked for ages, and when it came off, that's when his previous relationships also broke down

I've gently introduced the idea him being somewhere on the spectrum, and he doesn't violently disagree, and in some instances I suspect it'd be a relief for him to have something to pin it on.

However, we're on the same page about is a diagnosis worth it for us - it doesn't fundamentally change whats going on or the dynamics and Im concerned (just like with DS) that it becomes a hook to hang the unpalatable stuff on. Plus, selfishly, if it comes back as I think it will, then its a confirmation that things aren't likely to change. Altho its shit now, I'm not sure Im ready for that yet

MrsSpocksSister · 07/12/2018 18:05

Well I'm expecting that the diagnosis will change things. Not fundamentally, but it will change the way we think about problems and the options we will consider for resolving them.

another20 · 07/12/2018 19:37

Please can someone link me the original thread please.

another20 · 07/12/2018 22:15

Thank you Bluebell

Aloethere · 08/12/2018 00:49

I posted on the first thread and have kind of lurked since but I just really need to unload tonight.

I'm so lonely and so unhappy. For a while things seem to pick up and I think it'll be OK and that we can do this. Then something happens and I need a partner and when I see again just how little he understands me emotionally, how he doesn't understand how to comfort someone or anything really I feel so empty and lonely.

I've been with him half my life, my whole adult life and I am not sure I can do it without him. I keep hoping he will change, suddenly understand that if say it enough times in enough different ways he will get it but I know it doesn't work like that.

I just want a hug so badly, one that I don't have to ask for. A proper hug, not one where I can tell he is wondering when he can stop. I want to feel wanted, not needed. I want someone I can banter with, not someone who doesn't see the point in talking unless you have something specific to say.

I just feel so worthless. Like my only value is taking care of everyone but I don't know if I can do any better than this.

I'm sorry if this is garbled. I'm lying in the dark crying whilst he's snoring like a train and I just wanted to feel less alone for a minute.

Aloethere · 08/12/2018 00:51

I just read that back and I sound really pathetic Sad