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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - emotional abuse

116 replies

doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 20:46

I've been having issues for years and years and am reaching the end of my teather. Most things that have happened are far worse than what I'm going to tell you (drunk driving, affair after my mum died, swearing at me in front of the kids, throwing me across the room, kicking me) but he has been in therapy and is trying to change.

Can someone help as I feel like I'm going out of my mind...I don't think it's ok but he assured me that this is normal relationship stuff....

My H is annoyed because I asked him to stay in tonight as I haven't been sleeping (build up of relationship stress and work) and I need help with the kids. He's already been out twice this week and his anger always gets worse when he's tired. Ive been signed off work for the last two weeks and have anxiety, stress and insomnia. I'm in a bad way....

His friend has just popped over for a glass of wine, I asked my husband (very very nicely as always) to open out patio doors as he always shouts at me when I open them because I manage to unlock them and the black strip comes away. I honestly don't know how to do it and always end buggering it up! Anyway, as he was opening it, the black strip came away and he started swearing at me in front of his friend. I said i couldn't do it and he said 'couldn't or wouldnt' you just don't want to.

After his friend left I asked him why he was rude to
Me and his response was I was rude to him when I was wiping the island when he and his friend were sitting there having a drink. He asked me to stop wiping (🙄🙄🙄🙄) but it was clearly dirty and I wanted to make it nice for them. Because I didn't stop straight away (because it needed cleaning!) he said that I was rude, ignoring him and his feelings) I was actually just cleaning the surface...he then started shouting that his feelings don't count.

Then came the patio door thing....again when I questioned him about it he said it was unbelievable that I couldn't do it as he had showed me many times and didn't believe that I had problems doing it. Truth is I can't and always end up messaging it up and him shouting at me. I said I was upset because how he spoke to me in front of his friend. He said he didn't like how I spoke to him (I didn't say anything, at all, I don't speak that much for fear of getting my head bitten off).

I know this is really petty stuff, he seems to have stopped the big stuff but this feels to me like he's taking it out on me in different ways. His version of the story was completely exaggerated to make me look bad:

Am I going mad and over sensitive?

Please help me xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:15

And I did post a little while ago. I know I've already asked him to leave and given him a second chance and I know how weak I am.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 02/08/2018 21:19

Your husband is an arsehole.
Being unhappy is a great reason to leave.

He won't change and this is no way to live.
It's him not you.

bastardkitty · 02/08/2018 21:19

You will never get better until you get properly rid of him. There's nothing to suggest he's interested in change. How did he worm his way back in after you got rid of him? He's abusive.

Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:27

It all started because I wiped the island and he asked me to stop. It took two extra seconds. We had a difference of opinion. He accused me of not thinking about HIS feelings.

Please help, I was merely wiping the surface...

OP posts:
Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:29

He accuses me of 'being one of those women', not listening, not taking his side with the kids (I just refuse to put up with him being awful to them). When things escalate, sometimes I ask for his help, he steps in and all hell breaks loose. Then it's my fault for asking for his help when he is tired. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/08/2018 21:31

No you're not unreasonable
He's an arse
Ask him to leave again and don't go back on it this time

Dieu · 02/08/2018 21:32

The island thing is irrelevant. The point is that he will always find something to have a go at you for. If it wasn't the island (and yes, you did nothing wrong), it would be something else. And that is abusive.

Kingkiller · 02/08/2018 21:34

Any man who can kick you or do any of the other things you've mentioned is a disgusting excuse for a human being. Any single one of those behaviours is worth leaving him over. It's not about whether you were wiping the surfaces or whatever else you might have done or said. It's about the fact that he is a violent, abusive arsehole. You need to get yourself and your children away from this man.

notthisagain83 · 02/08/2018 21:35

I honestly think you should ask him to leave for a few weeks at the very least... I bet you your stress, anxiety etc will improve when he is not there as I bet he is the cause of most of it!

Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:40

I've been reading the Lundy Bancroft book and the bit about kids. My kids went through a stage of being rude to me but now are mainly sticking up for me or telling him when they think he's out of order.

He sees this as me turning them against him when I am
Just trying to show them that I can stock up for myself sometimes.

I am just about to leave my job because I cannot come anymore. I have debt and am quite ill with stress. I need to figure out a plan.

I feel so helpless, pathetic and scared

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 02/08/2018 21:40

I bet if you hadn't wiped the island you would have been accused of being slovenly and not caring about the 'nice house' he 'provided' for you... If this is an improvement, you need to leave.

Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:40

Cope not come

OP posts:
Anotheridiot · 02/08/2018 21:42

What is your situation? Is he the dad of your kids? Do you have a Mortgage?

Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:43

Mistlethrush, it was because I didn't stop when he asked/told me to. Because I didn't care about HIS feelings. It sounds soooo petty doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 21:45

Anotheridiot. Yes we are married and have a mortgage. We don't have a joint account and he has some savings. We have equity in the house...

I'm going to have to go back to asking him for money but that feels better than working. My plan is to get myself well and go from there.

It all feels so daunting.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 02/08/2018 21:50

It's nothing to do with wiping a surface and everything to do with him being an abusive cunt.

You don't have feelings as far as he is concerned. The world revolves around him. You count for nothing in his mind.

Get rid so your kids can have a chance of a decent life.

Shinynew50p · 02/08/2018 21:52

Sounds very much like my husband that I recently separated from, he did lots of horrible things but actually it was the way he spoke to me in front of other people that was the most humiliating. The problem is, he didn't and still doesn't think there is an issue in the way he spoke to me. He won't change. Leave him.

Grumpyoldblonde · 02/08/2018 21:52

Don't give up your job. Your stress will lessen when you get rid of him.. don't become even more reliant on him.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 21:57

OP, he is not trying to change. Getting therapy was just a way to hook you in so stayed. He is so confident that he has you back on place that he's already gone back to his abusive ways.

He will never change, not with the best therapist in the world. Whatever you do will always be wrong.

He was angry with you even though the black strip came off when he was opening the door. You are his whipping post, he will take everything out on you.

I think you're almost there with the decision to leave him. You are here for us to tell you you're doing the right thing and you 100% are. For you and your children.

Please d let us know how you get on xx

vivasunshine · 02/08/2018 21:59

He will never change he will always be a cunt. You need to leave him for the sake of your kids. Do you want them growing up thinking this is how a relationship is. He is an abusive arsehole.

twilightsaga · 02/08/2018 22:01

He sounds very nasty and abusive and it is not normal. All of your issues around anxiety etc are because of him and what he is doing. He's deflecting all his behaviour on to you and that's why you feel like you're losing your mind. You're not weak. It take a lot to leave an abusive partner. I tried many times and failed before finally doing it recently for good. Have you got family and friends support?

Original poster
doingmybest1 · 02/08/2018 22:04

I've just been in to get a charger. I tired to talk to him, and said 'that wasn't a great evening was it? In a very non confrontational way (I've learnt not to be confrontational over the years!). He said that our daughter was playing us off against each other (she probably was!) and it was the last straw this evening. He was tired and sorry.

I asked him gently when he was going to stop being tired and sorry and he just snapped 'do you ever stop? You never know how and when to stop' I just walked away.

It's a lost cause isn't it

OP posts:
SC459 · 02/08/2018 22:05

This definitely sounds like emotional abuse. You deserve so much better and do not have to tolerate being treated like this. First and foremost get out of there with your children or tell him to leave. Take one day at a time.

hottotrotsky · 02/08/2018 22:10

Darling get rid he's a fucker. End of. The first episodes of abuse in brackets were enough to get rid of him.

Do it.. You don't need a partner to be validated.

hottotrotsky · 02/08/2018 22:13

Do not jack you job in. Worst thing you could do.

And any parent who makes out their DC are manipulative is that fuckin way themselves! Sorry but been there etc.

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