Losing my mind - emotional abuse

[doingmybest1]

I've been having issues for years and years and am reaching the end of my teather. Most things that have happened are far worse than what I'm going to tell you (drunk driving, affair after my mum died, swearing at me in front of the kids, throwing me across the room, kicking me) but he has been in therapy and is trying to change.

Can someone help as I feel like I'm going out of my mind...I don't think it's ok but he assured me that this is normal relationship stuff....

My H is annoyed because I asked him to stay in tonight as I haven't been sleeping (build up of relationship stress and work) and I need help with the kids. He's already been out twice this week and his anger always gets worse when he's tired. Ive been signed off work for the last two weeks and have anxiety, stress and insomnia. I'm in a bad way....

His friend has just popped over for a glass of wine, I asked my husband (very very nicely as always) to open out patio doors as he always shouts at me when I open them because I manage to unlock them and the black strip comes away. I honestly don't know how to do it and always end buggering it up! Anyway, as he was opening it, the black strip came away and he started swearing at me in front of his friend. I said i couldn't do it and he said 'couldn't or wouldnt' you just don't want to.

After his friend left I asked him why he was rude to
Me and his response was I was rude to him when I was wiping the island when he and his friend were sitting there having a drink. He asked me to stop wiping (🙄🙄🙄🙄) but it was clearly dirty and I wanted to make it nice for them. Because I didn't stop straight away (because it needed cleaning!) he said that I was rude, ignoring him and his feelings) I was actually just cleaning the surface...he then started shouting that his feelings don't count.

Then came the patio door thing....again when I questioned him about it he said it was unbelievable that I couldn't do it as he had showed me many times and didn't believe that I had problems doing it. Truth is I can't and always end up messaging it up and him shouting at me. I said I was upset because how he spoke to me in front of his friend. He said he didn't like how I spoke to him (I didn't say anything, at all, I don't speak that much for fear of getting my head bitten off).

I know this is really petty stuff, he seems to have stopped the big stuff but this feels to me like he's taking it out on me in different ways. His version of the story was completely exaggerated to make me look bad:

Am I going mad and over sensitive?

Please help me xxxx

At some point op you will realise what we can all see, he is extremely abusive and not worth the energy.

One day you will leave him, l hope it is very soon.

I have only been in my job for 11 months. I cannot cope and spent the last few weeks before going on sick leave staring at the screen. My boss doesn't know what's going on and it feels like a huge hurdle to climb telling them.

I feel so trapped, between wanting to make myself better and being independent. Financially he is ok so I know he could support us. I feel like my mental health is more important but could be wrong....

Thanks ladies for all of your support, it's good to know I can talk.

My 8 year old isn't manipulative , she's a little girl who is finding her way in the world. My parents would never have called me that. His parents used to call
Him names. Sadly my Mum died 9 years ago, I miss her so much and wish she was around at times like these.

Xx

I'm now doubting myself...maybe I do come across that way? I honestly don't mean to. I just want him to pull his weight (particularly because I'm so low and stressed).

I'm at breaking point

And tonight was the petty end of the scale!!! Small stuff! Me and my girls are very close and I plan to keep it that way x

Go see a doctor. Tell him/her all you've just said here (and more, I'm sure there's more!) Because you are about to collapse from an anxiety attack.

And it's not your job causing it.

If you like your job (or can remember, back to when you started it, that you liked it), keep it and ditch the husband.

Please don’t leave your job. I cannot stress enough how awful he will make you feel once you are financially dependent on him, it will be a million times worse than any stress you feel from your job. It will truly be horrendous. I hope you truly know that you are worth so much more than this. My husband is the same, sorry you’re in the same situation because it really is awful xx

When I was first signed off he spent the first week going out most nights and then telling me how tired he was. He lay in until 3pm on Saturday. How bloody selfish is that! We err also due to go and see his mother (who is the same) and I couldn't face it, he got grumpy about that too!

Poor you OP. I feel for you.

Protect your girls, show them this is no relationship they should ever aspire to, realize your anxiety is caused by your fucker of a H not your job and get rid.

The fact you're lacking vital emotional support (your mum) makes you easier prey to him. And makes it all the more heinous. He doesn't love you because he doesn't know what love is.

Do not let him scapegoat your girls. That's criminal. (Of him). Call him out on projecting his manipulation onto them. Let them know you're on their side.

You need to see your boss and tell them what's going on. Tell your boss how much the job means to you and that you're determined to get back to it asap and sort things out at home in order to do that.

Are you able to get to see your GP reasonably easily? If so, make an excuse to your DH and go (without him of course).

Of course it's not your DD's fault - your H is cross because he's unreasonable and wants to keep you under his thumb and on edge all the time as that's the easiest way to keep you under his 'control'.

Op it is very clear that it is not your job that is the problem, it is your Husband.

Your MH issues are all down to living with an abusive man, once you leave him, you will get better.

I am struggling t function though and my Heath is suffering. I feel like I'm losing my mind and worry if I carry on then I'll have some of breakdown x

It is hard to see he wood for the trees when you are low but his emotiinal abuse ensures it is a downward spiral.

Get him to leave, maybe suggest its a trial snd you are likely to feel better.

Sell him the idea, he needs quiet away from children and maybe he could stay with his mum.He could go out whenever he wants.

My exh made me so stressed it has caused health issues...please try to break the cycle so you can build up energy.

Doesn't surprise me that his family were abusive, it tends to be passed on. Look up covert npd. There are highly defensive, always blaming someone else and unpredictable.
Ex wenr ro therapy but it made him worse as most therapists don't confront abusive behaviours, it will all be about how he feels so his sense of entitlement grows

You’re never going to feel better until he has gone. He’s abusive and his interactions with you aren’t normal or ok. He’s making you ill. What’s stopping you from getting rid of him?

and keep talking to us and we will support you through this

This sounds crazy but I still love him. Despite everything....I just wish he wasn't the person he has become (maybe always was). The whole
Separation thing
Makes me feel
So fearful. I would miss him (but not his moods). I can see though that he's not really prepared to change/can't doesn't know how.
When I asked him to
Leave, he begged me to help
Him. Said he didn't know what to do....😢😢😢😢

Thanks Cawfee ❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘

Your mental health would probably improve without him.

But what’s happening now isn’t working. He’s still degrading you and blame shifting. You need to be separate and get into counselling yourself and then maybe if he works hard on himself you could come back together at some point in the future. What’s important right now is to get rid of this extreme stress!

Ditch the abusive arsehole husband, keep the job. I bet you would start to feel better soon when you're not tip toeing around this nasty prick. Honestly, he sounds absolutely awful, and your kids are picking up all of this.

Yes they are but my girls are staying to stand up to him when he says mean things to me and has a warped view of what's going on (he always sees me as attacking him, or blaming him or doing something to be manipulative when normally I am
Just looking for the easy option!. They now tell
Him that they don't agree with him. This so great!

You poor thing.
Did you have stress type problems before you married him?
He sounds like a really bad abuser to me, he's not just nasty, he's vicious.

I've a feeling your life would improve big time without him and that includes your job. Without that shit at home you'd be able to focus much better.

doingmybest, it's not great though. They shouldn't have to do that at all. Please don't use your kids as a shield, it will really effect them. Your thinking is pretty skewed on this you know. I'm trying to be kind but this is hurting your kids emotionally, and you are thinking this is great. It really isn't.

Get rid. Your partner should build you up not constantly year you down.