Losing my mind - emotional abuse

[doingmybest1]

I've been having issues for years and years and am reaching the end of my teather. Most things that have happened are far worse than what I'm going to tell you (drunk driving, affair after my mum died, swearing at me in front of the kids, throwing me across the room, kicking me) but he has been in therapy and is trying to change.

Can someone help as I feel like I'm going out of my mind...I don't think it's ok but he assured me that this is normal relationship stuff....

My H is annoyed because I asked him to stay in tonight as I haven't been sleeping (build up of relationship stress and work) and I need help with the kids. He's already been out twice this week and his anger always gets worse when he's tired. Ive been signed off work for the last two weeks and have anxiety, stress and insomnia. I'm in a bad way....

His friend has just popped over for a glass of wine, I asked my husband (very very nicely as always) to open out patio doors as he always shouts at me when I open them because I manage to unlock them and the black strip comes away. I honestly don't know how to do it and always end buggering it up! Anyway, as he was opening it, the black strip came away and he started swearing at me in front of his friend. I said i couldn't do it and he said 'couldn't or wouldnt' you just don't want to.

After his friend left I asked him why he was rude to
Me and his response was I was rude to him when I was wiping the island when he and his friend were sitting there having a drink. He asked me to stop wiping (🙄🙄🙄🙄) but it was clearly dirty and I wanted to make it nice for them. Because I didn't stop straight away (because it needed cleaning!) he said that I was rude, ignoring him and his feelings) I was actually just cleaning the surface...he then started shouting that his feelings don't count.

Then came the patio door thing....again when I questioned him about it he said it was unbelievable that I couldn't do it as he had showed me many times and didn't believe that I had problems doing it. Truth is I can't and always end up messaging it up and him shouting at me. I said I was upset because how he spoke to me in front of his friend. He said he didn't like how I spoke to him (I didn't say anything, at all, I don't speak that much for fear of getting my head bitten off).

I know this is really petty stuff, he seems to have stopped the big stuff but this feels to me like he's taking it out on me in different ways. His version of the story was completely exaggerated to make me look bad:

Am I going mad and over sensitive?

Please help me xxxx

Attila I was falling asleep when I wrote that. What I I meant to right was 'not great' I am not that kind of person :) it's not great that they have to tell him

Hope that makes sense.

Another night of little sleep, word dreams and tossing and turning. Great!

You’re not going to feel better until he’s out of your life. Only you can decide your priorities. This man is an abusive bully and this is what your children are seeing relationships as being like.

Please don't let your children carry on witnessing this, it will be so damaging for them.

You are obviously on the brink and you know full well that your relationship is the cause of it.

You need to make a change and you need to do it soon for all your sakes. I would keep your job.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and I would think the power and control has ramped up continuously since you became a parent.

Do not leave your job; you need some financial independence. Leaving your job will be disasterous for you and is another bad choice. You need decent legal advice and to divorce your abuser; that is your only real option here going forward because he will completely destroy you if you stay.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are worth contacting and they can and will help you if you call them.

Your only real option here going forward is to be completely apart from your abuser. He will give you spaghetti head if he has not already done so; gaslighting as well is a form of psychological abuse. He is also projecting his own stuff onto you; it is HE who is the things he says about you.

You are probably also confusing love with codependency and such men too are master manipulators. Your children here are also being manipulated by him. It is very concerning as well that your kids are seeing and responding to him as they are doing; they are developing very warped views of relationships and that could all too easily spill over into their own adult relationships (i.e. choosing someone just like their dad). This is patently not what you want to teach them about relationships, just what are they learning from the two of you about this here?. Do not do your bit here to keep on showing them that on some level this is still acceptable to you. Would you want either child to be in a relationship like this; no you would not. You would not want this for them and its not good enough for you either.

Why don’t you get him to leave and move into a hotel for 2 weeks. Temporary separation. Then when he’s gone you can get some breathing space and see how you feel. Have you been to see a solicitor? It’s worth getting yourself prepared as it sounds like he’s really not that interested in you to be honest. What’s to stop him just suddenly up and leaving? A man that treats you like that has no respect and is capable of anything. Get yourself prepared

Just think of how stressed an anxious you feel and ask yourself how do your children feel living with this? Probably the same. It will affect their emotions and they will always be on high alert to protect you. It's no way for them to live. Leave him for them. They will be able to relax in their home again and not worry about dad. They're not there to fight your battles for you. You say you'd miss him which is true. I miss my abusive ex at times. But it's just a fantasy person Iv created in my head that I miss. I don't actually miss any part of the true relationship. It's hard to split but you have to fight to do it. Otherwise in ten years you'll look back and wish you did. Things will be the same and your girls will talk about their childhood with sadness and ask why you didn't leave him

Attila, exactly. This is a recent thing (them sticking up for me) and it has concerned me greatly which is why I mentioned it. I was reading up yesterday about it all and I guess this has raised alarms bells for me.

They come to me for comfort, reassurance, love when he is mean and then he, in turn sees this as me turning them against him. In the past he used to ask me to 'back
Him up' when he was being mean to them (something I refused to do) and this of course caused more rows.

I've been in a pretty bad way over the last few weeks with stress (terrible fatigue, nausea, upset tummy, headaches, ) and I guess he is using this opportunity to attack me whilst I am weak. I'm guessing also the girls are going into protective mode which isn't great (really isn't great).

I actually can't function at work, I'm all over the place. I worry I will lose my job. I feel like I need a break. I would easily get another job, in time as the skills I have are in great demand. I also want to set up my own business but don't have the headspace at the moment.

Tell your boss and GP about what is happening at home and start getting a paper trail documented; you need help and support in order to leave your abuser. Abuse like you describe also thrives on secrecy; bust this wide open now.

You need a break - a complete break from your H in terms of divorcing him. Divorce may or may not be as yet completely beyond the pale here but its your only real option going forward.

He won't let you go easily; after all he has spent much time and effort in wearing you down to the low point you are at now. Doing same with some other woman (and such men really do hate women, all of them starting with their mother) will take more time and effort, something he really does not want to do. That is also why he will make it hard for you to leave but this situation is untenable and your children are being emotionally harmed by seeing their dad abuse you as their mum.

You may also want to contact the police about getting a non molestation order; if that is too far beyond the pale for you at the very least talk today to Womens Aid and your boss. There is support and help out there for abused people and keep on writing here too.

You could potentially go s/e in the longer term but you need your current job.

I really don't feel confident doing that. I'm worried about how my company will react. I haven't been there than long and work remotely so I don't have a strong relationship with them.

To add to everything, we are going on holiday next week. I'm dreading it as he always gets so stressed.

I've asked for space before but he said I was cruel and guilt tripped me into staying, promising that things will get better, he'll get help etc. He has been to therapy but as someone else mentioned he has become more entitled...

When will I find the strength? I feel so low. He's woken up this morning as if nothing happened

I've had the first criticism of the morning. The eggs I cooked him (I was making some for myself and didn't want to be petty)....are too rubbery!

His parents used to call Him names.

Now he is doing it to your daughters. The cycle continues...

I know it's really hard because you're tired and stressed and worried. But please can you take you and daughters away for a few days to get some headspace?

Why are you with him? Honestly. He sounds awful. And you are teaching your daughters that women should stay in an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry to hear your lost your mother. Do you have any female friends or relatives you can reach out to in real life?

You really don't have to live like this. As others have sad, am sure your mental health will improve with him out of the picture.

You have to find the strength within yourself. Do it for your daughters. Do you really want them to think back on their childhood as having to defend their mother from their father? You said you thought it was 'great' that they are doing that. I think it is appalling that they need to. Poor girls.

No I didn't say I thought it was great, it was a typo, I meant NOT great. I was very tired and falling asleep....

I am going to see my Aunty in a couple of weeks. She's the only person who has ever called him on how he speaks to me. This was years ago but I'm going to talk to her and ask her for support.

Friends know what's going on and have been supportive.

His Mum is the same, constant criticism. It's awful. My girls don't like her at all.

I'm trying to find the strength, I really am.

My H asked my daughter for a cuddle this morning, she refused. I'm guessing she is still upset about last night x

Just to confirm, I DON'T THINK ITS GREAT. It was a typo....I was very tired and emotional after a hard evening. Anyone know how to edit a comment x

Apols, didn't realise it was a typo.

Very glad to hear you can talk to your Aunty. I really think you need to make plans to either leave or make him leave. Good luck either way.

Yeah it's NOT great but my DS does the same.

I'm stuck with abusive STBX twunt til a court order turfs him out.. I'm not in UK so legal process could be different. But thanks to MN I've got my defence strategies in place, got some power back BY WORKING, socializing, ignoring, running, swimming and detaching and can so see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Have a look at this link from Quora "What screams I'm a narcissist".
You will see your husband in every single line.
qr.ae/TUIZQC

There is no fixing these people - I know this to my cost. The sooner you get away from them the better.

Thank you. He, ticks every box. Just come in from a day out and he's started. My daughter has a friend here and he just asked about a stain on the carpet (my daughter spilled coffee by accident) which I haven't managed to completely clear up. He's just gone mad, he asked me what it was and I said water, no sorry, coffee. He's called me lazy and started shouting about how I should have cleared it up.

He's in an abusive phase...it's awful, truly awful. We are going on holiday on Thursday, guess I will need to keep quiet until after the holiday as I don't want to ruin it for the girls.

Has anyone got experience of this? What should I do? Now is not he right time to be tackling it again. Should I just ignore it and bide my time?

X

Doingmybest1 - I've been going through a very similar situation for the last few years.

My husband (and stepfather to my ten and 12 year old girls) is (mostly) verbally abusive to me, and increasingly the children. He does cage fighting, is physically intimidating and body-slammed the end of the bed when I was pregnant with his child, because I criticised him for not attending a hospital appt with me. I went on to miscarry.

I've been trapped with him for 3 years because a) I thought he loved me and he told me I was crazy. I couldn't understand what was going on and kept trying to make it work.

b) Financial reasons - I had no money behind me to move out.

I'm now seeing an excellent therapist who convinced me he is mentally unstable, abusive and I need to get out.

I am finally doing so - I found the strength to stand up for myself, had a series of blazing arguments, told him exactly what he is like - and a few days ago he moved out.

YAY!

It was SO painful, and didn't want to disrupt my kids' lives. But it was so needed.

Find the inner strength to do it. Now my husband has gone, I the fog has lifted and I see him for what he is. I think another poster on this thread is correct and he has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder. He only cares for himself.

I'm so glad you were able to reach out on MN - I didn't even do that. See a therapist, don't leave your job, secretly save some money, tell your friends/Aunty what's been happening and make a plan.

So much good luck and love coming your way xxx

I hear you I am so sorry for what you have gone through and your miscarriage. That's awful. You sound so strong. Has he been In Touch? How did he take it?

I ah e spoken to friends about it and they have reassured me that I'm not going mad. My brother knows too.

I have confronted him about it and he has been in therapy (as have I). But I am still here....what an absolute mug I am.

I guess I am afraid because I don't have any family around here, my Dad is 5 hours away and my brother and two aunties are the same. My Mum died 9 years ago....His family live round here...I've got some great friends but I'm afraid of what the future holds.

You are right, he just doesn't get it. He's so selfish that he only thinks of his own needs.

I need some advice about the holiday...luckily we are meeting friends so we won't be on our own. Should I just ignore as much as I can?

When I asked him to leave before he begged me to stay and made me feel so guilty. Can I ask him to leave for a while? I don't want to get the police/legal involved unless I have to. Maybe I am being naive?

Thanks for the love and support xxx

Our stories are very similar - my ex has also been in therapy recently, but I'm sure he hasn't told he therapist about his abusive behaviour. So it will never be addressed.

At least you are meeting friends on holiday - I was in the same position re holidays. I took my girls to Turkey in June. Ex was due to come, but he was being such a bastard, I told him he couldn't come (I'd organised the whole thing, as per usual).

My ex also still wants us to do couples counselling together, in the hope of getting back together. I really don't think I can. I have to put my children first.

Yes, if you can, ask him to leave for a while. I was in the same position re my kids, and couldn't leave, financially, so he should do so instead.

Also, did you know that any verbally intimidating behaviour is termed as 'common assault' by the police. If he EVER scares you or goes for you, call the police. He can be charged for that even if he hasn't touched you.

I wish I had done that when he went crazy and body slammed the bed when I was pregnant.

You and your kids can have a happy, wonderful life without him. xx

It made him even worse, as I was finally standing up for myself.

she's a little girl who is finding her way in the world
And what she is learning about her world is that men are abusive and women put up with it.
She WILL end up with a man just like your DH if you don't take action.
Google 'the cycle of abuse'
Do you want your DD in a relationship like this?
If not then show her what to do.
Leave and do it soon.
Womens Aid can help you get him out or with an exit plan.
But you CANNOT stay.

I still love him

He is abusing your children.

I agree with both of you. I know that I need to get out. He has promised to change but won't.

My daughters are now starting to speak to me like he does. He says they are rude. He can't see that they are mimicking him.

I can't believe I've let this go on for so long.

I can't afford to take them on holiday by myself. I need to bide my time for a few months and save up
Some money.

He's had his chance and has blown it.

I'll speak to my boss after I get back from holiday. Maybe there's a way to change my job or hours to suit me.