Losing my mind - emotional abuse

[doingmybest1]

I've been having issues for years and years and am reaching the end of my teather. Most things that have happened are far worse than what I'm going to tell you (drunk driving, affair after my mum died, swearing at me in front of the kids, throwing me across the room, kicking me) but he has been in therapy and is trying to change.

Can someone help as I feel like I'm going out of my mind...I don't think it's ok but he assured me that this is normal relationship stuff....

My H is annoyed because I asked him to stay in tonight as I haven't been sleeping (build up of relationship stress and work) and I need help with the kids. He's already been out twice this week and his anger always gets worse when he's tired. Ive been signed off work for the last two weeks and have anxiety, stress and insomnia. I'm in a bad way....

His friend has just popped over for a glass of wine, I asked my husband (very very nicely as always) to open out patio doors as he always shouts at me when I open them because I manage to unlock them and the black strip comes away. I honestly don't know how to do it and always end buggering it up! Anyway, as he was opening it, the black strip came away and he started swearing at me in front of his friend. I said i couldn't do it and he said 'couldn't or wouldnt' you just don't want to.

After his friend left I asked him why he was rude to
Me and his response was I was rude to him when I was wiping the island when he and his friend were sitting there having a drink. He asked me to stop wiping (🙄🙄🙄🙄) but it was clearly dirty and I wanted to make it nice for them. Because I didn't stop straight away (because it needed cleaning!) he said that I was rude, ignoring him and his feelings) I was actually just cleaning the surface...he then started shouting that his feelings don't count.

Then came the patio door thing....again when I questioned him about it he said it was unbelievable that I couldn't do it as he had showed me many times and didn't believe that I had problems doing it. Truth is I can't and always end up messaging it up and him shouting at me. I said I was upset because how he spoke to me in front of his friend. He said he didn't like how I spoke to him (I didn't say anything, at all, I don't speak that much for fear of getting my head bitten off).

I know this is really petty stuff, he seems to have stopped the big stuff but this feels to me like he's taking it out on me in different ways. His version of the story was completely exaggerated to make me look bad:

Am I going mad and over sensitive?

Please help me xxxx

He's been so lovely tonight. It's such a head fuck. I fee
Like I am losing my mind x

They're always nice when they're happy, and they think it's your job to make them happy.

He’s faking the “lovely” to try and reel you back in. Please don’t fall for this crap from him. If you’re struggling to leave for your own sake, then do it for your kids. You can’t keep caving in and giving him second, third, fourth chances or you will never be free of the abuse.
Honestly OP, when you are rid of him you will feel transformed. You will no longer be walking on eggshells trying to guess what will annoy him, trying desperately to please him, to keep the peace, to stop him upsetting the kids.
You can have a lovely normal life with your kids, and the support of your friends and family. Please stick to your plan for getting this shit of a man out of your life. And out of your kids lives, before they are damaged for life thinking this is how normal marriages are.

I felt bad after typing what I did. I am currently going through quite a lot with counselling, dealing with my childhood and your posts hit a nerve.

I love my Mum dearly, but as I say I have felt angry with her for allowing this person into our home and she has allowed him to affect our relationship by not putting us first.

I can see you are trying your best, and I hope that you get stronger and can see that this mans promises and kindness are to protect himself. He doesn't sound like he has your children's best interests at heart and they have cottoned on to this. You have many hopes tied up with this man, and loneliness is a powerful reason to not be alone but I think you know deep down who he is, he has shown you - you just don;t WANT him to be that way.

I am single currently, as I have preferred to stay on my own than put up with someone just for the sake of being wth someone, It has made me more careful I would say.

For me though, my relationship that I could have had with my Mum, had she of been with someone kinder and less damaged, is the biggest loss. It is hard for my brother and I to be around them a lot, as much as we love her, he is not good to be around and believe her lfe would be happier without him.

@doingmybest1 I’m so sorry you’re going through this, It’s clear you’ve got barely any confidence left and I read a lot of you putting yourself down... you are not a mug and you are not weak!

You have so much to contend with and it’s not nice having to live in that environment... I noticed you said that you wanted to get well and then sort it out but I think that will be very difficult in that environment.

You will get better quicker when you are away from him... sure he will cry and beg for help and forgiveness because you are way out of his league and deserve better... no doubt these qualities that you have intimidate him and this is why he bullies you to keep you down.

You sound like a great mother, you mentioned starting your own business at some point so there is still a fire in you yet.. you have ambitions and it sounds like there is a much better life waiting for you and your girls than what you are having to endure right now

I was with an emotionally and pvysically abusive marriage when I was 19-23 and managed to get out when our dd was 8 months.. the day I saw what he was doing was endangering her I got the power to go... it was scary but the time I had alone with my dd was THE BEST time of my life

I really had time to think about my life, I realised I wasn’t the mug he said I was, I wasn’t pathetic like he said I was, I wasn’t the weak one or the one who couldn’t do anything right... I was more than that.. I started to get my confidence back and now I’m doing so much better.

The unknown is scary and he will probably try and make you feel like you can’t cope without him but it sounds like you’re already having to cope with so much more than you would be if you were to be on your own x

Sorry that was so long

Thanks babdoc, it's so confusing! I seriously feel okie I'm losing my mind right now. X

Oh Squidgybanana thank you so much for your lovely post! You have made my night darling!

I do have dreams and ambitions, I also know I can do this! I spoke to
My Dad today and told him I could do this alone (probably better!) You are right, I am
Putting myself down too much, but I do feel a certain confidence as welll,

It's just about timing, right? I need t longtime it right and get all my ducks in a row....I'm sure that then I will have the confidence to leave.

I have good friends but not family around here which makes it even more daunting....my immediate family are all more than 4 hours away

I've got a holiday to get through them I will tacklenit head on

Xxxxx

Squidgybanana / amazing strength to leave with a small baby. Do you see the father these days? Has he changed? Seriously in awe of you xxxxx

@doingmybest1 aw bless you, I get that the time has to be right and if you feel safe enough to stay until you can get your ducks in a row then that makes sense. Sometimes knowing that you are going to go will give you back that mental strength to endure the holiday knowing his time thinking he’s controlling you is over... it might be good for you if you can remove yourself emotionally from his actions and watch him objectively... you really do deserve better, I love that you have the ambitions, I always did too but I never even knew it until I left him and found out I did have talents and qualities so you are already steps ahead of where I was.

I didn’t realise I could get help with benefits or that I could do a debt relief when I was with him so I felt trapped but there is so much support out there for you that you and your girls will be fine... they would no doubt love to see their mum achieving her own business and if anything it would encourage them to go for their own success in later life, sounds like they think the world of you btw

He still sees our dd every other 2 weeks... he will still try and put me down and I still can’t do anything right but it doesn’t affect me at all... I don’t care one bit what he says.. I can see from some of his comments he is jealous that I am now with a supportive partner as he will say things like ‘it’s alrigbt for you with a home and a partner’ but that’s his problem... as long as he is being a good dad to dd which he is then he doesn’t affect me

@doingmybest1 that would be daunting without your family close by, it’s great that you have friends around though... you’ve got this x

As long as you are safe and feel safe then get your plan sorted in your head and then make your move...try not to worry about work etc, like you say there are other jobs and you’re dealing with a hell of a lot right now... your mental health comes first... I think you’re stronger than you know or have been made to feel x

In most meaningful senses you are already a single parent, OP - your abusive partner sounds a total drain rather than a help, and I doubt you will miss any of his “input” in your parenting or your life.
Don’t worry about your relatives being out of the area. I was widowed suddenly with 2 babies and my nearest relative was 250 miles away. Both my own parents were abusive shits and thankfully 450 miles away. I found most help from my church minister, local childcare, and my work colleagues, as I rebuilt my life on my own. I had to do it while dealing with grief, missing a much loved DH - you’ll be doing it while dancing for joy that your abuser is gone! Don’t put yourself down - you’ve coped with so much, you should boost your self esteem to think that you haven’t let the bastard grind you down into obedience, that you can still plan a future.
Big hugs, and my prayers for your happiness, OP. God bless.

It's really not worth losing your mind over 1 man in the 1 life you have. It's a waste of time and a negative way to live. Your husband is a petty, controlling bully who lacks even basic manners.

He doesn't sound appealing in any way and I cant see the benefits in putting up with this boring draining fuckery in life. Youll end up old bitter and full of regret at wasted years before you know it. & what sort of environment is this for your DD to grow up in?

He's a man he's not your God. Your life won't end just because he's not in it

So I've been quiet for a while. We have been on holiday with friends, I knew he would be on best behaviour for the whole week. We are now spending a week as a family. Sure enough he started kicking off last night.

He said that I don't take his feelings into account, that he is very miserable and I am unforgiving. He can't see how we have a future because I am so miserable and don't show him an affection. He says that his feelings don't matter.

He asked me not to speak to my friends and family about us, that is was none of their business.

He started getting angry with me as I had gently asked him to help a few times when we were away with our friends. He said he was helping and I didn't see that. He accused me of belittling him. All of this was in front of our children.

I have begged him to try and make the last few days of our holiday nice for the kids. He's very unpredictable, he told me on the way here that we could talk about it properly and then just started to say it was over and he was fed up.

Sadly I did rise to it last night and told him a few homes truths about how people see him (a bully) as he says it's all in my head, that I am too over sensitive.

Before we came away he begged me t help him. I told him that this doesn't happen over night. Now he's saying I'm unforgiving and cold.

We seem to be going around in circles. I still feel like I am losing my mind....

OP is there any way you could get some space for a week or two? Could/would he go and stay with friends or family for a little while? I just think you need some head space, chance to get some clarity without him there messing with your head.

I suspect it will feel like a weight has been lifted and you will start to see a way forward without him, you just need space to think

It sounds like he hates you, and you have every reason to hate him. He keeps bringing up the idea of separating, so I'd take him up on it with great enthusiasm.

We are still away...not back for a week. I just want this to all go away but I have to be strong for my children.

Yes, he does hate me. He hates me because I no longer show him affection, he hates me because I no longer pander to him. He hates me because I don't put up with his bullying ways. He hates me because he knows he no longer has control over me.

He finds it impossible to communicate and when he does, he just shouts me down and tells me how I criticize him al the time (it's in fact the other way round). He lives in a fantasy world.

I am so utterly depressed. I'm in the South of France, on a beach...this should be the happiest time of my life :(