Thoughts on porn?

[Vbxxx]

So I'm not really into the whole porn thing and my bf knows this as we've had few rows over this he just thinks im being over dramatic but he promised me and told he stopped watching it but hes lied twice before and i asked him if he had been watching porn recently and he told me no then i asked again and he admitted it its hurt me why he would lie again about this i dont feel very good about myself knowing my partner watches other women in a degrading way would anyone feel same as me or am i being stupid?

My partner knows if he watches it that our relationship is over. Maybe dramatic for me its something I can’t accept, not only because of the whole fact it’s women being paid but more because I don’t want him looking at a woman who isn’t me and getting off on it

I think the issue is more he has done something he knows you're not comfortable with and lied about it.

Personally, I am not bothered by porn. But I would be bothered if DH was using it and lying to me about it. Especially if I'd asked him not to.

Definitely agree with you there and glad im not the only women to feel like this

The question could be anything, the point is that your husband/partner should be upfront and honest with you. Making a promise you can't or won't keep only to have your partner find out about it later violate and decimate trust in the relationship. Without trust, a relationship is impossible.

No issue with porn here as my husband and I have researched a few sites that we go to and use that I know are women owned/operated, and my DH and I both aren't into depiction of violence/degradation, so that part of it has never come up for me like it had in past relationships. Have I ever felt a twinge of insecurity looking at the screen in five years with my DH? Absolutely! I'm human! I'm fortunate that I can openly tell my husband "I don't know why I'm feeling this, but I'm feeling insecure. Hugs and reassurance?" and his response is always to turn off the TV and focus 100% on me with no pouting or passive aggressive reaction.

I guess what sealed my trust with the DH was at the beginning, 5 years ago, the first time I put on erotica I noticed a different reaction than any other man I had been with - a handful of times when I had my back to him, or had gone for a wee, I managed through reflections or side glance that he was focused on me, he didn't even look at the video! This is something that's never changed.

I should note that I am 31 now, but when I was in my teens through mid 20s, I struggled immensely with jealousy and anger at pornography. This is my first relationship that it hasn't caused a problem. Honesty, communication, love, and feeling that my DH is honest when he tells me I'm his number one desire - because his actions have always backed this up. Everything together has allowed me to enjoy erotica with my partner as I would myself, which I would have thought impossible a decade ago.

I'm single. One reason is that I won't lie to myself that I am ok with porn when I'm not, nr will I 'train' or force myself to be ok with it.

IME porn makes men shit at sex so I don't want to be with someone who uses it for that reason as much as anything. Even worse is that they think it makes them great at sex.

In your position, I would have just ended it. I wouldn't have had the whole heartfelt conversation with him in which he promised he'd never watch it again. It's a very naive woman that would believe that!

I’m sorry ladies but if you ask your guys not to watch porn you are asking them to lie to you. They will watch it and delete it, it’s not difficult. It’s too easily accessible when In the moment, I’m not entirely sure why you feel insecure about them him watching it? (And I’m a jealous person....!) I can assure you they are not looking at their face thinking man she’s definitely the one for me. It’s just a stimulus. I’d rather that than them wank over the fit student receptionist that works with them....

I think you need to look into why this is a problem for you, they will watch porn men are visual beings, it’s just a means to an end not an affair or anyway disrespectful to you, hell see it as a night to yourself 😜. I’m assuming you’ve never tried to watch it?

I think you should explain to him the reasons why you feel so strongly about him watching porn, unless he understands that you think it's degrading then he probably won't get your aversion to it. He probably doesn't think that what he is lying about is "that bad" although any lies in a relationship are shit :(

I agree with PP about researching some porn sites that are more woman friendly, there was a post on here the other day about women watching prom and some specific sites that are not degrading to women and actually quite romantic. Maybe suggest you watch them together so it doesn't seem like a dirty secret anymore?

Porn is a plague on society. Porn apologists can go start their own thread.

Oh Tilly that's just not true.

I dont agree with Tilly.
However....in a way they are right. If you ask your boyfriend not to watch porn, and they dont see a problem with it...then they will watch it and then probably lie about it. I really cant see the issue being resolved without them at least partially agreeing with you and understanding your issue with it. And they may never do that.

I do believe a small number of men (who do have decent libidos) dont watch porn. But I find it very hard to believe there are many or any men who think porn is fine, but dont watch it because their partner prefers them not to. Sorry.

I’m not entirely sure why you feel insecure about them him watching it? (And I’m a jealous person....!) I can assure you they are not looking at their face thinking man she’s definitely the one for me. It’s just a stimulus. I’d rather that than them wank over the fit student receptionist that works with them....

It's not necessarily insecurity, the majority of porn shows women being subjugated. Maybe that doesn't sit right.

Mainstream pornography has become increasingly violent and demeaning. Maybe op and other women who dislike porn think that it's gross and base to be getting off on the ill treatment of women.

And it makes them shit at sex.

@UkulelesAndFirepits why does it make them shit at sex??

Makes them shit at sex....... that’s a grand generalisation no?

I did realise this was a moral debate about porn! What I was merely saying is that I think a guy who has probably spent the majority of his life using a stimulus to masturbate with to suddenly stop using it would probably find it a little hard, no pun intended, and possibly will result in him lying. Just my thoughts.

*didnt

If you have different values, you have different values and you can’t expect him to change for you. I don’t have a problem with porn personally (I watch it, I have friends who’ve worked in the industry, my dh watches it), but if I did and it was something I felt strongly about, I would look for a relationship with someone who felt the same way. I don’t think honestly that it’s realistic to cajole him into doing anything differently. If you aren’t comfortable with it to the point it’s affecting your relationship, then you probably have to move on, though the small population of men out there who don’t watch porn (monks who have taken a vow of celibacy?) may not be who you are looking for either.

Porn desensitises men. They want instant gratification and give very little thought to the women exploited for their gratification.
I loath porn, it's wrecked trust in many relationships and in my opinion increasingly more hardcore porn is sought over time.
I speak from bitter experience.

@cricketmum84

Because porn doesn't depict 'real' sex, it depicts porn.

There are many reasons but I can probably boil it down to:

Sex feels like it being being done to, rather than with, you.

They either become focused on demonstrating/following their technique rather than whether there is a connecton between the two of you and whether what they are doing is working for you or not.

Or it makes them lazy and selfish and they expect you to do all the work.

I have yet to have sex with someone who uses porn and feel like it was worth bothering.

To the point where I met a man recently. We went on a few dates, I really liked him, we had sex. It was porn sex. I didn't see him again.

It sounds like regardless of whether you're pro or con in this debate, there is certainly an issue with men (in this case) entering into a relationship and if the woman takes a zero tolerance policy "No porn ever, relationship ending" he feels as if either A. It's okay to lie about because she'll never find out (or whatever reason) or B. He can't be upfront and tell the woman he views, and will continue viewing it.

Is this because of the way it's brought up when being discussed in relationships? Or is it a larger sex is private and/or "dirty" issue?

If we could all effectively communicate what we expect from our partners in a relationship, in a more neutral, non judgemental way I'm sure we'd all benefit. I've had otherwise pleasant first dates turn into a lecture in my early 20s when I'd step aside for a smoke. Totally different issue, but I remember thinking at the time "Fuck. Had I not had a cig till I got home, everything would be fine!" I'm not sure what 20 year old me was thinking would have happened long term...haha, but if I could have hidden it back then I probably would have (just being honest, thankfully the smoking thing is no longer an issue either).

ExceptionFatale

Honestly? I think it's because a lot of men just don't respect women enough to be honest with them.

I've never sat down with a man and asked, "so, do you use porn?" It isn't necessary. I'm not a 'judgemental' person. I'd never criticise, deride, or attempt to humiliate anyone for having different preferences to me but I do have conversations around topics and listen to what they say. I am open when it comes to discussing sex and I think a lot of men might assume I'm 'cool' with it.

I read a lot of threads on here that begin just like this one has and my response is always the same. I don't understand why so many women meet a man; discover he uses porn; cry and ask him not to use it again saying it makes them feel bad about themselves and are then surprised when, years down the line, it turns out he had never stopped.

Men lie. If a man thinks being honest with ruin his chances of sex, he will lie. If a man likes a woman, likes having sex with her but also likes porn, he will lie.

I wouldn’t care about the porn but I would care about being lied to

@UkulelesAndFirepits

I've dealt with my share of lies and half truths due to lack of respect, I left my first husband because of it and hated the dating scene afterwards because of it. I can empathize with you on this front for sure.

Since you are so upfront and open about discussing sex, which is how I feel any adult wanting to enter a physical relationship SHOULD be, would it maybe be prudent to discuss your feelings, rather than have them assume one way or the other? If anything it seems like you've had your fill of bad porn sex as most of us have, and this might save you from another round? If you're not open about your disdain for pornography and have a reason for it, I am sincerely just curious :)

I will agree with you that I've never seen, heard of, or experienced earlier in my own life - a single situation where porn is discussed, both agree to abstain, the man is found out to watch it, and when his partner breaks down he has some grand epiphany where he abstains for the rest of his life, yeah no. It doesn't work that way and always ends up in heartache.

Thanks for your response, while I know this is a sensitive subject, I think a productive debate can be positive every now and then

@ExceptionFatale

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I don't ask them directly but they will quite often say something in passing and I will be open about my feelings on it if asked. Because I open about sex, a lot of men assume I must be ok with it and so bring it up themselves.

I don't challenge it head on because once a man has said that they use it, that's game over as far as I'm concerned so there's no point. Not only that, my expectation/experience is that of you ask a man something directly, they will lie until they have worked out whether it is in their best interests to be honest or not. There is little point in trying to have an open and honest exchange with someone who is lying.

@UkulelesAndFirepits

Thank you for the clarification. Honestly, you're a straight shooter as far as what you're thinking and in describing what you've experienced, but I also feel how much you've been hurt and how tough a go you've had of it when it comes to men. So regardless of the topic, or any stance taken on it I just wanted to say I'm sorry it's been so painful for you, and offer my hugs.