Thoughts on porn?

[Vbxxx]

So I'm not really into the whole porn thing and my bf knows this as we've had few rows over this he just thinks im being over dramatic but he promised me and told he stopped watching it but hes lied twice before and i asked him if he had been watching porn recently and he told me no then i asked again and he admitted it its hurt me why he would lie again about this i dont feel very good about myself knowing my partner watches other women in a degrading way would anyone feel same as me or am i being stupid?

"Don't expect someone who isn't to change because of your moral objections."

I find it hard to believe that anyone could stay "cool with porn" once they understand the ethical issues. But a lot of people don't care what happens to women in the sex industry-presumably because they are beneath contempt for being there.

If a man thinks women are beneath contempt for working in porn or does not appreciate the ethical issues then it shows you everything you need to know about his attitude towards women anyway

@Vbxxx

You mention you don't like the idea of men getting off to other women who have been paid to perform. What about the other way around?

Is it okay for women to get off to men who have been paid to perform?

After reading your posts I can see you don't like it and it was wrong for your partner to lie to you about it, but I don't think you can tell people they can't do it.

If you feel that strongly, this relationship is probably at an end.

I wouldn't mind a partner watching porn if it was actually good porn - there is nothing empowering about the current industry for females and it all seems to be male gratification. I am quite open minded but knocks me sick, porn is a turn off for me. I prefer porn to look like sex, and not like one person is the sex toy of another. As a parent I know I wouldn't let my child view this kind of stuff when old enough as it just paints the wrong message of what is normal. Where is the intimacy, the connection, the getting lost in each other in porn??

I think its degrading both ways so its no difference but if you are in a relationship i dont understand the need for porn i think its selfish and damaging to the relationship you can't tell someone what to do i fully understand that but for respect and love for your partners feelings you wouldn't do it

"Yeah bit of a sweeping statement admittedly but in my opinion it's likely to be right that most people first masturbate alone and may have used porn."

that's not what you said at all.

You said "Most people have their first sexual experience alone often using porn."

Have you changed your mind?

I did give you a little hint, however you seem to have missed it. Do you believe that globally, most girls (girls being people as well) have their first sexual experience alone with porn?

Have you forgotten that many children globally do not have access to mobile devices, that there are lots of isolated communities, that there are lots of strict / religious communities that specifically shield girls from any and all info to do with sex? Have you forgotten about FGM (the idea behind this is to remove the ability to experience sexual pleasure to make girls "faithful"), about child marriage, about child sexual abuse?

Were you by any chance taking your own experience and applying it to everyone else in the world as an objective and self evident truth, when in fact it's nothing of the sort.

I'm not talking globally or about religious communities or about fgm. I'm also not talking about child sexual abuse or child marriage. All important issues but not relevant at all to this post.

I'm talking about men and boys in the UK and I'm assuming the Op's partner is one of them. If not then I apologise.

@Vbxxx I completely agree with you when you say if he cared for your feelings he wouldn’t do it.
I’ve told my partner on no uncertain terms if he were to watch porn I would end it. We are engaged and want a family in the future and I love him very much but I just could not be with someone who watched porn. Luckily he is very honest and open and I know he really isn’t all that into it. I think it’s degrading to all and I do think porn leads to much bigger issues as PP said, more hardcore porn is often sought over time so it definitely develops into much more of a problem.

I would explain to him why porn is vile and degrading, why it upsets you, and if he still won’t stop then he clearly has an issue if he is prioritising porn and a quick wank over a loving relationship where he could have real life intimacy.

My partner likes his vintage porn. I know! Do I like him watching porn, no and I have asked him to stop looking at it and he has. I have no reason not to believe him but lets face it if they want to look at porn they will find a way to look at porn.

@cryingallthetime really glad to see someone has same views as me i think you're really lucky to have an honest partner unlike me

From my perspective, I think it is controlling to ask someone not to watch something in their own time. But you can find lighter and more ethical porn, which you could ask - not tell - him to try.

From my perspective, I think it is controlling to ask someone not to watch something in their own time.

I agree. Hence remaining single.

I would no more expect to change someone else's position than i would change my own.

Watching porn is a deal breaker for me. I won't be in a relationship with a man who watches porn. There are other things that I consider deal breakers: mostly ethical and political things. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man whose political allegiance was significantly different from mine; other people have no problem with that kind of difference.

I don't think it's controlling to have boundaries, and if I found out my partner had lied to me about any of these things the relationship would be over.

Ah, male entitlement: so powerful, even some women defend their right to do whatever the fuck they want (regardless of the impact on others) because they like it.

Men don’t need porn. It’s perfectly possible to masturbate without it, and anyone who continues to use it when they know it deeply upsets their partner has a problem.

This is my first ever post on here and as I guy I felt compelled to comment. I'm sure I might get some crap for this but it's just an accurate representation of my relationship with porn. Firstly, I'd like to highlight that there are a lot of men out there addicted to porn and excessive use results in some worrying side effects in men like erectile dysfunction etc. If a guy is under the age of 40 and having erection problems it's almost certainly that. That does not even mention the fact that guys start watching porn at such an early age ~13 before they've had any other sexual experiences. This is not your playboy magazine kind of porn, it's high speed internet porn. Any fantasy, any place, any time. Asking a man to stop this will seem like an attack, he will agree then feel forced to hide his behaviour. If we lived in Candyland, he'd stop but this is the real world, shit is hard.

Now think when these men getting into relationships, they have consumed thousands of hours worth of porn. I am one of these men, it's only recently that I've seen the trouble it's caused me. The reason why I have highlighted this on this post is because telling a man to stop or your leaving him will not make him stop. It's almost like a drug addiction, threats will fall on deaf ears because these men need to be shown that there's a way out and porn is damaging their brains. But it is reversible, my sex life is normal now, after I quit porn I went through a really bad patch, then I started really enjoying sex again. It was like being a kid again and discovering sex for the first time. So if you have concerns with your other half about porn, try to understand that he may have been watching porn for so long he just doesn't know anything else and help him through it.

If you want to do more reading on it, there are plenty of studies online about the relationship between porn addiction and what it can do to the rest of your body and your mind. I understand I haven't even touched on the content itself but it seemed pretty well covered. Most men don't even know the benefits of quitting porn, so present it to them in a tactful way. Communication is key here because both of you will reap the benefits.

Good luck

I'm not in the least bit bothered by my DH watching porn (if he does, which is suspect). Since having DC I've had issues with my sec drive, namely as I was put on citalopram for PND and that ha completely zapped it. Although we are still intimate it is not nearly as often as we used to be and probably not as often as he would like (though he has never said this), so if watching porn helps him then that's fine by me. I'd also much prefer him to watch porn than go off with another woman. Those saying it would end your relationship I think are being very dramatic. But each to their own.

Datguy

Do you ever try and educate men on this issue?

I only ask because women know that porn turns men into selfish, lazy, inadequate, impotent 'lovers'! And I'm not entirely sure that it's a woman's place to cajole her partner into becoming a fully functioning adult.

I, for one, have never had the "it's porn or me" conversation with a man. I agree with you that it would be utterly pointless. I am baffled as these threads pop up on here weekly or thereabouts - a woman who believed her heartfelt pleas and tears would be enough...

In my case, they've either revealed porn use before we've even got together and it goes no further; or I realise before the relationship has even got started that the sex is so dire I never wish to go there again. In one case, I just decided that the 'relationship' was time limited until I finally grew bored of the inadequate sex and ended it.

UkulelesAndFirepits

I think it's entirely a woman's place if she's having issues with a partner. Like I said there is a benefit for both people, I think when you come in too hard, it becomes a person A vs person B rather than a couple trying to better their relationship. I talk to my friends about it when it relevant but its not something I think about daily.

I agree that making it about one person vs the other is counter productive. But it's not really about a couple working together to improve their relationship. It still comes down to a woman trying to persuade and cajole a man; just in a different way. I just don't think it's a woman's place to educate a man into being a better human.

I'd rather find one who's already there.

Or stay single...

@UkulelesAndFirepits "educate a man into being a better human"

Just because they watch porn doesn't mean they're bad human beings! (Unless it's featuring underage /children that is wrong)

It's not like they're watching it in the lounge with the family.

Lol @ previous poster

"Most people have their first sexual experience alone often using porn."

Meaning in the UK only and also, tellingly, explaining that when they said "people" they meant "men and boys".

So a porn fan who forgets that women and girls are people :D

You couldn't make it up!

“Just because they watch porn doesn't mean they're bad human beings!”

But they aren’t really good human beings, are they? They are a bit icky.

Just because they watch porn doesn't mean they're bad human beings!

Well Datguy alluded to all manner of ways in which porn negatively affects men so i was responding to that.

Besides, I should be able to meet a man who can already do sex. Not one who needs to be educated about it.

Why would i waste my time doing that?

It doesn't mean they don't know "how to do sex!"

That's so silly. My husband is has no problem in bed at all I know he watches porn and I have to. It's not a big deal and it's not cheating

I read a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts and it completely changed my opinion on porn, and gave me a deeper understanding of sec and attraction for both a male and female perspective