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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aaaarrrgggghhh Husband doesn’t want me to work

204 replies

user1499625336 · 30/07/2018 18:13

Hi All

I am so bloody depressed..I’m 35, married to husband for five years. When we met I was a student nurse. He had had a motorbike accident and I helped nurse him back to health. He still has some issues but leads a more or less normal life. After we’d been married a couple of years he got a compensation payout (we are talking millions) and he put it all in a protected trust for himself. He bought our house in the trusts name and when we have an argument he tells me to get out of ‘his house’. He moans like crazy/sulks if I go out to work (he says I’m worried I will meet someone else and leave him even though I reassure him etc). So I forfeited my nurse training because of his constant pressure to stop at home with him- I also started developing depression. Long story short I’ve wanted a job for a while now but he’s dead against it (in the past he’s sabotaged my efforts of working like altering my alarm clock, telling me that I should be happy staying at home etc). My confidence is at rock bottom but I thought a little part time job might help me. He gives me ‘housekeeping’ money each month but I pay for everything, including holidays so there’s hardly anything left over. Ironically I spent all last week decorating and I suddenly thought ‘I’m spending what little money I have on paint/materials and working to decorate my husbands house. Next I’ve got the garden/cleaning to do..am I a skivvy?’ So I’ve told him I’m going to get myself a part time job. His response? Ok but you need to start paying towards the bills. Problem is, we live in a huge house- the council tax alone is £300 a month so I’m going to be effectively working for nothing. There’s no financial incentive to go out to work and my husband is going to be moody/play mind games. Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s unfair to make me pay towards the bills? It’s just he tells me it’s his house and he’s got over 7 million....I’m so confused!! Help!

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 31/07/2018 15:02

Please do not patronise me. I know a lot more than you ever will

GrinGrinGrin

springydaff · 31/07/2018 15:08

Come on guys, let's not get off the track..

How's it going op?

Original poster
user1499625336 · 31/07/2018 16:50

Hello again all. I’d like to reiterate how lovely you’ve been- it’s really validating to know that my situation is toxic as my husband kept saying that it’s all me (he’d say things like you’re the one with depression and you need help etc). Talk about messing with my head. Today I went to see my in laws and told them everything. They were sympathetic and acknowledged how my husband can be very nasty/cruel. They also admitted he used to get abusive after a drink. I told them specifically about his suicide threats and that I think they need to get involved. In essence this move on my part helped because they came to talk to him. At first he was very hostile and said ‘I bet my wife was slagging me off’. He then became defensive and blamed it all on me saying that I’m pious because I don’t want him to drink. I told him that he gets very nasty and I can’t cope with it. His parents stated that he’s ‘obviously not well’ and he needs to go back to his gp. They also suggested I stop being pious though they agree he shouldn’t drink. He started crying saying ‘my life is awful’ and we all ended up comforting him. I’m drained. Shattered. My husband has asked that I enquire about his mood throughout the day in order to support him. Feeling pretty broken but on the plus side my councillor has got in touch and would be delighted to see me again so that might be a better strategy rather than involving immediate family!!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 17:15

and we all ended up comforting him
Typical behaviour of an abuser!!!
Manipulation in full swing right there.
He's good - I'll give him that!

newtlover · 31/07/2018 17:25

OP, forgive me if this has already been mentioned but you would really benefit from attending the Freedom Programme, this will help you understand the patterns of abuse your husband is showing. It is available on line (but use a private browsing page, and the same applies to this thread- how would he react if he read what we have been saying?)- but it's much better ti go to a group if you can, then you will really see that you are not alone.
best of luck

SandyY2K · 31/07/2018 17:39

I'm glad you told your in laws...but how do they think your pious?

They need to accept their son is at fault here.

and we all ended up comforting him

Playing the woe is me for sympathy.
Typical abusive behaviour.

I attended a domestic abuse CPD training event recently...and he totally fits the bill.

Get yourself a job..if nothing else to interact with other people's and keep your mind active.

TheABC · 31/07/2018 17:41

Of course you are drained. And now he has found another stick to beat you with. Enquire too much, you are nagging. Too little and you don't care.
Give your tenants notice, get in touch with Women's Aid and research lawyers. I would also recommend that you pack an emergency bag with documents, clothes and anything you would hate to leave behind. Keep it in a safe place, away from the marital home. He will ramp it up if he thinks you will leave, so be ready to walk out the door without notice. You are in a better place than most - no dependents, somewhere to go and an escape fund for the first month. You can do this.

Mix56 · 31/07/2018 17:59

its one long list of manipulation, & when you "rebel", he throws down the Joker, "you know I"m brain damaged"
You cannot live your life like this.
Meanwhile, I hope you have your passwords nailed down. that he can't track your phone, or share a cloud.
When you start to pull away, he will smell the change in the air

InionEile · 31/07/2018 18:57

Just get out of that situation. He seems to have guilt-tripped you for so long now that you can’t see you are living your life waiting for someone else’s permission to live.

You do not need his permission to live, to work, to move out, to study or to do anything at all. You are an individual with free choice. Stop waiting around for it to be ok for you to leave. I’m not sure why you involved your in-laws? They’re obviously going to suppprt their son, not you. You have to look out for yourself. You’ve given years of your life to this man and he has given you nothing but emotional and financial abuse in return. I’m sure the in-laws are keen to keep you in place because it relieves them of the care burden for their son.

Not your problem. He has money, he has family, he can hire a carer if he has to. You need to just get out of there and move into your own house, away from the endless manipulation.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 31/07/2018 20:39

Firstly, nobody should have to be in a marriage where they are abused, regardless of why the person is being abusive. Sorry if I’ve misread but was he like this before this accident? I only ask because some severe brain injuries can result in this. With regards to the trust, please don’t pin all your hopes on this. Many trusts are very carefully protected and cannot be considered as marital assets. That said, you will be entitled to something from the marriage regardless of this. I wish you all the best.

BonnieF · 31/07/2018 21:56

Absolutely classic abusive manipulative behaviour. He plays the ‘poor me’ card, makes himself out to be the victim and tries to put you in the role of bad guy by calling you ‘pious’. Then he turns on the waterworks.

What a pathetic little specimen he is.

LTB.

Mix56 · 01/08/2018 07:20

With or without a payout, you are a trained as a nurse, you can support yourself & go on to lead a happy life. & your parting shot should be, "you have millions, you can pay a carer"

NicoAndTheNiners · 01/08/2018 07:23

Just imagine what your life could be like in your little house with 3.5million in the bank. A little job, make some friends. Go out when you like without some moaning twat giving you grief. I know what I’d do!

GinUnicorn · 01/08/2018 07:36

OP please contact women’s aid. This man is unstable and you need to think about your own safety, security and happiness.

You deserve better

Original poster
user1499625336 · 01/08/2018 10:53

Thank you all once again. I’ve got a (secret) counselling session in the next couple of days and he’s going to help me put together a safe exit plan. My in laws have spoken to me and said I need to ‘focus on the positive’ and ‘do you really want to be a spinster aged 50?’. They’ve said I can’t change my husband I’ve got to change myself to adapt to his needs. I’ve decided to discount their advice because as someone said on here they’re keen to keep me in place. I have to give my tenants two months notice according to the estate agent so I’m going to do that and come up with a plan.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 10:55

‘do you really want to be a spinster aged 50?’

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this unhappy?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/08/2018 10:57

They’ve said I can’t change my husband I’ve got to change myself to adapt to his needs.

What absolute bollocks! They just want you to stay in place so they don't have to deal with him. Awful, awful people.

You need to leave him, OP. He is abusive regardless of his previous accident/injury.

Please instruct your estate agent to issue the notice and move out.

BonnieF · 01/08/2018 11:00

Ignore your in-laws. They do not have your best interests at heart.

They are thinking of their son’s interests and their own interests, not yours. They are trying to manipulate you into staying as his carer and housekeeper because it gets them off the hook.

You are not going to be a ‘spinster’. You are going to have your life back.

Good luck!

IJustHadToNameChange · 01/08/2018 11:05

OK.

  1. You won't be a spinster. You'll be divorced. You'll be a divorceé. Slightly more racy.
  1. Even if you do end up a single, crazy cat lady, it'll be on your terms.

You'll be responsible for you (and any cats), your career/job and you won't be beholden to a selfish wanker using a brain injury as an excuse for his lousy attitude and cruel behaviour.

Cambionome · 01/08/2018 11:07

A spinster aged 50! How ridiculous. No one thinks like that anymore.

You will be free, independent and happy.

bengalcat · 01/08/2018 11:08

It's obviously tragic for all that he's like this however it is not your responsibility to endure this situation . He has a good payout which may or may not be considered as joint assets ( probably not ) in a divorce . You need a good lawyer to maximise your contribution / loss of earnings etc is taken into consideration then you divorce if that's what you want - this situation will not change .

MyOtherProfile · 01/08/2018 11:13

Are they offering to adapt to meet his needs too?

IJustHadToNameChange · 01/08/2018 11:15

The award was for his care.

He'll have plenty to look after himself.

Especially with such caring parents....🤔

It's your marriage, not theirs. Ignore their 'advice'.

SuitedandBooted · 01/08/2018 12:24

He has ample cash for his needs.
He doesn't need a slave at home too.
His parents want YOU to take all the mental load, not them

You won't be a "fifty year old spinster" Confused
You will be a mid-thirties divorcee, with your own home, and a career you can resume.
Good luck, you only have one life. You don't have to sacrifice it to please an abusive husband.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/08/2018 12:41

The cash us to pay for his care apart from you’re his skivvy and saving him thousands