Aaaarrrgggghhh Husband doesn’t want me to work

[user1499625336]

Hi All

I am so bloody depressed..I’m 35, married to husband for five years. When we met I was a student nurse. He had had a motorbike accident and I helped nurse him back to health. He still has some issues but leads a more or less normal life. After we’d been married a couple of years he got a compensation payout (we are talking millions) and he put it all in a protected trust for himself. He bought our house in the trusts name and when we have an argument he tells me to get out of ‘his house’. He moans like crazy/sulks if I go out to work (he says I’m worried I will meet someone else and leave him even though I reassure him etc). So I forfeited my nurse training because of his constant pressure to stop at home with him- I also started developing depression. Long story short I’ve wanted a job for a while now but he’s dead against it (in the past he’s sabotaged my efforts of working like altering my alarm clock, telling me that I should be happy staying at home etc). My confidence is at rock bottom but I thought a little part time job might help me. He gives me ‘housekeeping’ money each month but I pay for everything, including holidays so there’s hardly anything left over. Ironically I spent all last week decorating and I suddenly thought ‘I’m spending what little money I have on paint/materials and working to decorate my husbands house. Next I’ve got the garden/cleaning to do..am I a skivvy?’ So I’ve told him I’m going to get myself a part time job. His response? Ok but you need to start paying towards the bills. Problem is, we live in a huge house- the council tax alone is £300 a month so I’m going to be effectively working for nothing. There’s no financial incentive to go out to work and my husband is going to be moody/play mind games. Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s unfair to make me pay towards the bills? It’s just he tells me it’s his house and he’s got over 7 million....I’m so confused!! Help!

He sounds paranoid and obviously believes you are after his money.....I'd honestly just walk away, get a job, move into your own property and take some time and space on your own.

Lawyering up and going after half the money will prove to him he was right all along.

Just walk away, life's too short to live this way.

Please see a decent lawyer. Do NOT have children with this man. Get out, it doesn’t matter whether he is an arsehole or brain damaged, you can’t live like this. If you want to work, go and work. You are entitled to rather a lot, go get it.

Totally manipulative and abusive, whether brain injury induced or not.
Can only agree with advice already given. He’s sucked the life out of you. Get your house back, get a job, get a solicitor.
Is the house rental paying yr mortgage?

Reading your further posts, I'll strongly advise you to be extremely careful when leaving.
Don't stay put while separating and don't tell him of any plans.
He sounds dangerous and I wouldn't risk it (in fact, I didn't risk it myself).
It's best if you end up on benefits than to risk your life.

Again, talk to women's aid, as they should be able to plan for a safe getaway.

You’ve been his maid and carer unpaid for years. I’m sure you’re entitled to something as otherwise he would have had to pay people or do it himself

Haven’t read the whole thread but get the gist. He has been paid a lot of money and his life has changed.

Don’t let the money influence you at all. He is using you. I have read somewhere that we all have two lives. The one you live until something horrible happens; and the second one once you realise “This is it”

Lawyer up and work out your escape plan. Be careful; not sure how identifying your posts could be.

Good luck!

What a horrible, abusive man. Start planning your exit strategy now. You have a house? Fantastic, your accommodation problem is solved as soon as you give your tenants fair notice. No idea how much of his Trust fund house or money would come to you if you split, but a lawyer could sort that out. Even if you got nothing, you'd be better off living without that abusive wanker. Once you're free of him, you can maybe go back to your nurse training and restart your life and leave him to his own, selfish, miserable one. In the meantime, get any job to raise some cash to fund your escape. Good luck luck and stay strong!

Get legal advice
Have you been acting as his carer ( unpaid)?

Run!! He's abusing and controlling you on so many levels, without scruples or morals. Get legal advice (secretly) but if not, just go. Fast, There's something horribly wrong with him and you need to get away, emotionally and physically. Please!

My lovely, a brain injury does not give anyone the right to be an abusive bastard like he's behaving.
You are not an object to be owned and dictated to. You are a human being with rights to the life that YOU want.Either whilst with him, or apart.
All the threats he's making re ending his life under a bus are just that, threats. It's a controlling mechanism....and it's working as it's keeping you there, isn't it!
You are not responsible for his drinking and falling over.
You are not responsible for his misery.
You are not responsible for him full stop.

I can only reiterate what others here have said. Plan your exit/escape, very carefully.

Start getting documents together - especially all those that relate to his finances .
As you are married, it's not just his house, it belongs to both of you, so get hold of documents - copies or otherwise of those too.
Prepare your own house for you to move into, and do it at a time when you know he won't be around.
Save as much money into a separate account as you can.
DO NOT tell him anything of your plans.

You new life begins now. Many of us - including myself - have been in very similar situations. Mine was over 30 years ago now, and I truly wish I'd had Mumsnet to turn to then. I escaped with £20 in my pocket, a baby under one arm, and a carrier bag of clothes in the other.
But I did it, and you will too. We're here for you.
Good luck

I'd start off with the lawyer before doing anything else - you don't want to move into your house, get settled, then find that he gets to keep all his trust and also half of your house as well!

It's a very unusual situation you're posting, if someone suffers a serious brain injury and receives an award of 7million then this is usually due to medical costs, the victim will need 24 hour specials care for the rest of their life.

It's very unusual for someone to receive a serious brain injury, this level of compensation and be able to live a relatively normal life. It's also very unusual that you're unable to understand the impacts of his brain injury, as he will have a team of specialists who should be able to explain to you the impacts.

As a nurse don't you have to revalidate and make sure that you've done a certain amount of shifts to ensure you dont loose ability to work?

Thank you all again. I keep checking your responses to help give me strength. Last night I stood up for myself and I’m dealing with the consequences from that (he got abusive, threatened suicide and kept telling me to ‘drop the attitude’). I’m trying to act ‘normal’. I’ve secretly emailed my old counsellor and the estate agent. Basically I’m reaching out for help. For the last five years I have been keeping a bit of money aside. I’ve scrimped and saved and I’ve checked my (hidden) money and I’ve got about £10000. Just very frightened that technically it’s ‘his’ money as I haven’t earnt it myself? Makes me feel like I have been a deceitful cow and I’ve taken advantage of him.

If you've been his career for 5 years then £10k is a drop in the ocean

Start looking for work and give him some local agencies a ring about full time caters - that's what's the money is for. He maybe able to get counciling and physio etc added in sounds like he needs it

Not deceitful at all.
You'll be entitled to a lot more than that when you divorce.
Well done on reaching out.
Get out of there and find your freedom.

And please please please call Womens Aid.
Ensure you do their Freedom Programme asap.

By the way, he will ramp up the manipulation with the suicide threats.
Ignore them.
He is an adult and if he chooses that then that's his look-out and not yours. Although I doubt he'd do you that big a favour so don't believe a word of it.
He absolutely will NOT change so don't believe that bullshit either.
Just get out there.
Life is so so short and you should not be living it like this.

I truly wish you all the best in escaping from this man but I would be concerned about you returning to your house, I presume he knows where that is? He sounds dangerous to me and your comment upthread about him saying he'd never let you go is chilling...

And the comment about how he would destroy you.

He thinks he owns you.

Well done for taking a stand OP!

You think you’re taking advantage of him ?
Be very reassured that it’s very much the other way round !

Have you contacted Women’s Aid ?

I just did a quick google on the trusts as I had never heard of them, if he has been paying you an allowance from the trust and using it to fund the families lifestyle then you might not be entirely financially bereft in the event of divorce.

Following on from pp comment about your safety ( he said he’ll destroy you ) if he knows where your property is.
An alternative would be to use the income from your rented home to fund another rental for you to live in. That way you can move and he won’t know where you live. Stay off the electoral role.

They jointly own the house - so she'll get half of that anyway.

How's today gone OP

I was going to say a number of things about his behaviour but the more you post the more I think you really need to get out ASAP. He’s abusive, emotionally and financially. You’ve been his carer for the last 5 years, of course you’ve earnt that money and thousands more. Don’t feel guilty, he’s conditioned you to feel this way to keep you down.

Please do see a solicitor, councillor and of course sort your estate agent out. Go back to training to be a nurse and live well!

Leave now and don’t look back