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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aaaarrrgggghhh Husband doesn’t want me to work

204 replies

user1499625336 · 30/07/2018 18:13

Hi All

I am so bloody depressed..I’m 35, married to husband for five years. When we met I was a student nurse. He had had a motorbike accident and I helped nurse him back to health. He still has some issues but leads a more or less normal life. After we’d been married a couple of years he got a compensation payout (we are talking millions) and he put it all in a protected trust for himself. He bought our house in the trusts name and when we have an argument he tells me to get out of ‘his house’. He moans like crazy/sulks if I go out to work (he says I’m worried I will meet someone else and leave him even though I reassure him etc). So I forfeited my nurse training because of his constant pressure to stop at home with him- I also started developing depression. Long story short I’ve wanted a job for a while now but he’s dead against it (in the past he’s sabotaged my efforts of working like altering my alarm clock, telling me that I should be happy staying at home etc). My confidence is at rock bottom but I thought a little part time job might help me. He gives me ‘housekeeping’ money each month but I pay for everything, including holidays so there’s hardly anything left over. Ironically I spent all last week decorating and I suddenly thought ‘I’m spending what little money I have on paint/materials and working to decorate my husbands house. Next I’ve got the garden/cleaning to do..am I a skivvy?’ So I’ve told him I’m going to get myself a part time job. His response? Ok but you need to start paying towards the bills. Problem is, we live in a huge house- the council tax alone is £300 a month so I’m going to be effectively working for nothing. There’s no financial incentive to go out to work and my husband is going to be moody/play mind games. Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s unfair to make me pay towards the bills? It’s just he tells me it’s his house and he’s got over 7 million....I’m so confused!! Help!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 30/07/2018 19:06

(didn't mean to put 'legally' into this sentence: "whether he's willing to -legally- share his money and not resent it"; pretty sure legally it's already shared)

GreenTulips · 30/07/2018 19:08

Part of his payout would've been attributed to care he needs

If you provide that care then you should be paid for it ! Or compensated.

Does your allowance cover a wage? Pension holiday pay etc - I very much doubt it

HollowTalk · 30/07/2018 19:10

He just looks after himself, doesn't he? He doesn't see you as a team. You are there to take care of him. He puts himself first and he wants you to do the same.

I'd be off, quite frankly. It's about far more than just wanting a job, OP. You need to be seen as another human in this relationship. You're not and no matter what lip service he pays to it (if you threaten to leave) then it's just that. Lip service.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 19:19

This is who he is, there isn’t a kinder, selfless and mature version of him waiting around the corner. You have one life, don’t waste it on this inadequate excuse for a human.

Get legal advice ASAP and start making the first steps of independence.

Kdubs1981 · 30/07/2018 19:36

I’m assuming he suffered a significant brain injury and that is what the payout was for? If it was then there must have been evidence of signicant life-long effects affecting his ability to work and /or requiring care.

Was he like this before? Is this a change since brain injury? Personality change and change to social chniirn and behaviour is common. Inability to see another persons point of view, reduced empathy, rigid thinking, controlling behaviour. Has he seen a neuropsychologist (I would suggest he has as this would have been part of compensation claim). Does he have a case manager? I would be discussing his behaviour with case manger and asking to see neuropsychologist asa couple. This is if you want to consider staying. Neuropsychologist may be able to support you in raising his awareness f the impact of his behaviour on you and he may be able to change. Or he may not. If you want to stay or at least try to I would suggest this. Otherwise, legal advice and get a job like everyone is saying. I would probably get legal advice regardless.

I say all this as someone who has worked in the field f brain injury for many years as a qualified health professional.

Kdubs1981 · 30/07/2018 19:38

Apologies for all typos, typing fast

LouHotel · 30/07/2018 19:47

Your basically a live in housekeeping. I would get financial advice, as its such a large amount of money you could afford a very good no win no fee lawyer.

The only thing I think you may be entitled to would be spousal support if your seperate as he 'earned the money well within the marriage.

Do you have children?

Thedutchwife · 30/07/2018 19:52

Your living in a gilded cage!

He sounds like an ex of mine. Life is too short to be domes skivvy. He acts like he doesn’t even like you!

funnylittlefloozie · 30/07/2018 19:53

Who else is a trustee? Are you not one of them? Kdubs has some excellent advice, if this is relevant to your position, please follow it.

In the meantime, i would jsut get the job. Whats he going to do, kick you out? I very much doubt it. A payout of that level would suggest he needs a fair amount of care, so he would be mad to jsut throw his unpaid24/7 live-in carer out of the house.

category12 · 30/07/2018 19:55

Get a divorce, He's financially abusing you - screw that, leave, be happy, get a nice financial settlement.

Mmer · 30/07/2018 20:02

If I were you, I would get a job. What would happen If he decided to leave you? Does the trust mean that you wouldn't get anything? What about when he dies?

Whocansay · 30/07/2018 20:12

Get legal advice. There are different types of trusts, and some can be broken in certain circumstances. Are you certain it's ALL held in Trust? Do you even know who the Trustees are?

I would seriously consider walking away with nothing. This is no way to live. If you stay you will never be better off. If you leave, you can rebuild your life. Can you imagine staying like this forever? It sounds utterly miserable.

Do you have family you could stay with?

Shutupsidney · 30/07/2018 20:17

The beneficiary and the Trustee can be one and the same 'who are the Trustees?'... it can be him!

The marital home would be hard to defend in a Trust so I think you would have something to go for there, but if it's a disability trust I think you'd have a job getting an award.

You need to shake yourself and get a job.

Flisspaps · 30/07/2018 20:21

Speak to Women's Aid.

Speak to a solicitor.

Suggests he sticks his money up his arse and that you hope it keeps him warm at night.

You only get one shot at life. Do you really want to spend yours like this?

funnylittlefloozie · 30/07/2018 20:22

SHutupsidney i know the beneficiary can be one of the trustees but i was under the impression that there had to be at least two trustees. IANAL, though, so could well be wrong.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2018 20:24

Get a job.
Stop paying for everything. He's not going to let the gas and electricity get cut off is he? He'll soon stump up.
Consult a Shit Hot Lawyer.
This!. Also, if you do a caring role, stop doing it and hire someone. If he doesn’t pay them they won’t come, tough shit. In order to get a job you might need to put a lock on a separate room and sleep there so he can’t sabotage your alarm, clothes or anything else.

Original poster
user1499625336 · 30/07/2018 20:51

THANK YOU EVERYBODY...you made me cry with your kindness. It’s make me realise that perhaps I am NOT being unreasonable. Yes, he had a severe brain injury. I get very confused because I don’t know whether his behaviour is because of this or if he is simply controlling. He gets very abusive towards me at times. He does apologise eventually but I have to call him up on his behaviour- he normally says ‘well you know I have brain damage’. I married him after only knowing him for a few months and soon after he starting drinking heavily. He became abusive and he stopped when I threatened to walk out on him. Recently he’s started drinking again and he falls over and injures himself. I’m a bloody nervous wreck. I DO actually have a little house that I rent out. It’s in my name and I am seriously considering asking the estate agent to give the tenants notice so I could move in. Thank you all so much- I have a feeling I will be rereading all your responses for weeks to come to give me strength!!

OP posts:
category12 · 30/07/2018 20:58

Oh give notice, move to your house and divorce at your leisure.

It doesn't matter whether it's his brain injury or he's an asshole, the effect on you is the same.

pointythings · 30/07/2018 20:58

So you've got somewhere to go - you're sorted. Pick up your training again. Get a job. Dump his sorry arse. Live your best life.

RomanyRoots · 30/07/2018 21:03

You have a house, you'll soon find a job.
this is your life, not a dress rehearsal and you get one shot.
I'm sorry he is brain damaged but he is very controlling and abusive towards you.
Do you want to live like this forever, because it sounds like he will always dangle the money in front of you as some kind of bribe.

Mishappening · 30/07/2018 21:03

annandale - my thought too.I used to work with a head injury service.

See a solicitor OP and find out where you stand about the trust. You must work if that is what you want to do. Get proper advice.

RomanyRoots · 30/07/2018 21:05

Oh, forgot to say, he was able to stop the drinking when you threatened to go, and now he's started again.
If you stay with him you are allowing him to treat you like this.
The drinking bit doesn't sound as though it's part of his disability as he can stop when threatened.

Pippylou · 30/07/2018 21:08

Good mental health is more important than any wealth.

Get out, stay out, let him stew.

BonnieF · 30/07/2018 21:09

Your husband is abusive and financially controlling. You’re not his wife, you’re his housekeeper.

As you don’t mention children, I’m assuming you don’t have any, so get out and start living your own life while you still can.

You need proper legal advice about your financial position and entitlement to a share of the marital assets.

Good luck with your nursing career!

cheesemongery · 30/07/2018 21:17

You'd be happier in a tiny bedsit where you can paint the colours you like, leave when you like, work when you like (within work rules obv), you could buy yourself some flowers that you like and put them wherever you like. You can watch what you anything, any time, sleep when you like, but most of all you could wake up without the anxiety of what he will bring to your day. X