Aaaarrrgggghhh Husband doesn’t want me to work

[user1499625336]

Hi All

I am so bloody depressed..I’m 35, married to husband for five years. When we met I was a student nurse. He had had a motorbike accident and I helped nurse him back to health. He still has some issues but leads a more or less normal life. After we’d been married a couple of years he got a compensation payout (we are talking millions) and he put it all in a protected trust for himself. He bought our house in the trusts name and when we have an argument he tells me to get out of ‘his house’. He moans like crazy/sulks if I go out to work (he says I’m worried I will meet someone else and leave him even though I reassure him etc). So I forfeited my nurse training because of his constant pressure to stop at home with him- I also started developing depression. Long story short I’ve wanted a job for a while now but he’s dead against it (in the past he’s sabotaged my efforts of working like altering my alarm clock, telling me that I should be happy staying at home etc). My confidence is at rock bottom but I thought a little part time job might help me. He gives me ‘housekeeping’ money each month but I pay for everything, including holidays so there’s hardly anything left over. Ironically I spent all last week decorating and I suddenly thought ‘I’m spending what little money I have on paint/materials and working to decorate my husbands house. Next I’ve got the garden/cleaning to do..am I a skivvy?’ So I’ve told him I’m going to get myself a part time job. His response? Ok but you need to start paying towards the bills. Problem is, we live in a huge house- the council tax alone is £300 a month so I’m going to be effectively working for nothing. There’s no financial incentive to go out to work and my husband is going to be moody/play mind games. Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s unfair to make me pay towards the bills? It’s just he tells me it’s his house and he’s got over 7 million....I’m so confused!! Help!

Thank you all!!! I was having counselling last year and I opened up. My husband quickly banned me from seeing him as he said that I had changed. I missed my appointment and never went back. I was thinking about contacting him again for an appointment? My husband is always threatening/feeling suicidal and tonight (after I’ve tried to defend myself) he stormed out saying he might as well throw himself under a bus. I’m a bloody wreck. Regarding the trust, he’s a trustee and the beneficiary. I’m a trustee too but apparently any money that gets spent has to benefit the beneficiary. Therefore he says I have nothing and that I could go to prison for buying stuff for myself. He told me that last year but I secretly went and asked a solicitor and she actually laughed. Least I’ve got peace of mind in that respect though he frightens me so much. I’m so nervous to leave as I’m so frightened of the repercussions . He always says to me ‘I will never let you go’ and that he will destroy me.

Please call Women's Aid. He sounds absolutely vile and you can leave him.

You'll have to plan it very carefully then, won't you, OP? You're like a bird in a gilded cage but the gilt's worn off. Who does he think he is, to ban you from seeing a counsellor, or anybody else? Have you got family who can help? See your counsellor, get advice from the CAB, and take it from there.

That's top-notch abuse.

You are not responsible for his mental health or any repercussions. He can actually afford actual professional carers who won't put up with this shit.

Please get away from him. He is very abusive. Your life could be so much better than this!

Please ring woman's aid, honestly the protection a refuge would give you whilst you sort things out would be so worthwhile

Yes yes yes to moving back into your house. Tell him you need a temporary separation. Then never go back.

He’s an ARSEHOLE.

Get yourself back in your house. Nobody should have to put up with that shit.

And don’t fall for his “I’ll throw myself under a bus” crap. It’s emotional blackmail that he is using to control you. Get out while you’ve got the energy to do so.

And change your locks.

Don't leave the house. It's your home, you have a right to be there. Do you have an income from your little house? If you do, ringfence it, put it somewhere where he can't touch it.

Go and get proper legal advice, and find out where you would stand financially if you were to spearate. I would also find out just how much professional care would cost, equivalent to the care you provide FOR FREE, and show your DH the figures. He is really very lucky that you are a nicer, kinder person than him - a different, more calculating partner could have seen him put into a much more vulnerable position.

Your husband is abusive.

Please seek legal, financial and counselling help.

I would advise calling women's aid first. They are experiences at planning how to get people out of high risk situations.
The speak to the solicitor you've already seen.
Make sure you get a lot of what he's said to you and if any of it is in text message, email or similar store it as evidence in case it's ever needed.

Don't do anything without proper legal advice!

What a miserable life you've got. He sounds horrible. He's dragged you down, made you feel worthless and he wants you at his beck and call. He's controlling you. Get out, get legal advice, and claim half of what is rightfully yours.

OK, so because of the way the trust is set up there is a good chance that it will come into play during divorce proceedings. Don't move out and don't get a job. Go back to your therapist and contact women's aid. Leave a paper trail of finacial and emotional abuse, make sure that you have evidence that he was the reason you have up your training and that he won't let you get a job. Then apply for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Get yourself a really good lawyer and argue that you are a dependant (because he made you sacrifice your career and then preventrd you fron gaining employment), produce bank statements to prove that he gives you a monthly allowance. Demand 50% of marital assets including the trust money and spousal maintenence. Settle on a one off payment from him plus legal fees. Then move into your house and move on with your life.

Specifically look for a lawyer who has previously successfully argued cases where trusts were involved.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

for you OP. What an awful situation.

This sounds like a pretty far fetched situation - but if it's for real, then yes, obviously you should leave him and never look back - and take him for half of everything.

Call your local Womens Aid and get some advice.

Also call Rights of Women to get excellent legal advice.

When you've got a bit of space, do the Freedom Programme. This will get your head straight in record time.

btw he's full of shit with all the threats. He has a lot less power than he's making out. Do see a lawyer for first half hour free to see what you'd be eligible for should you split.

yes he's got a brain injury but he's also got a problem with alcohol and he is controlling and abusive. Whether that's the brain injury or not is immaterial really. He is very consciously keeping you a prisoner. There are laws against that shit.

fucksake Charley. People's lives can be very fraught - lucky you if yours never has been.

Unfortunately this situation is true. If anything I have watered it down. I didn’t actually think my situation was that abnormal...shows how much I’ve been damaged I guess.

As pp have said, legal advice, show them any documents you have relating to the trust, Women’s Aid and move back to your give your tenants notice so you can move out.

Seems that the brain injury has made him a worse version of what he already was.

Get yourself free of him.

He's a nasty piece of shit. After what he's put you through please please please take him for everything you can.
You deserve it.
I can't believe the nasty little fucker banned you from getting help, and you gave up your career for him. Take him to the cleaners!