Pregnant, and still officially single.

[OlderMumToBe2018]

Basically, been in a relationship for 3 years, and it's been a great 3 years. I have two children from a previous relationship, and became single when my youngest was only a few months old. Their dad was cheat. So I was single for around 5 years before meeting my current partner. We didn't plan children together, but I fell pregnant. There's 4 months to go before I deliver.

Cue panic. I work full time, juggle everything to support my children, and maintain our home. Boyfriend lives at home with parents and stays over sometimes. I made it clear from the beginning we wouldn't move in until committed, as in to be married. Becoming pregnant has not changed that. One night not long after finding out, I got in a right state, howling, because I realised the baby would have a different surname to me. At this point he said he had planned on proposing this year.

I'm still waiting. The baby will be here soon.

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

Am I being silly?

BTW I did paragraph this mini novel, but the app has removed them.

You’re not being silly. You’re being wise and self-reliant.
(FWIW, no need for your baby to have a different surname to you. S/he can have your surname, or both surnames. Our dc has both our surnames - no way was I having a kid who didn’t have my surname, even though we are married)

I do think you’re being silly, and it feels a bit controlling, too. However, that’s coming from somebody who doesn’t really care too much for marriage - divorces happen, so a marriage doesn’t solidify a relationship for me.

I can’t help but feel sorry for this man who’s not allowed to live with his child unless he legally attaches himself to you. Surely tying himself to you with a child demonstrates his love and commitment to you. Don’t take away his precious memories of experiencing the first few months of his child’s life just because you don’t have a piece of paper. Let it just happen in time.

Thank you ER. I'm really worked up about it. As the due date looms, and I hear him talking about doing up rooms in my house etc, I can't help but feel a tantrum brewing. It's my house! Single parenting has been a struggle thus far, and not expecting it to be any easier this time round, but I'm preparing for it, since there's no commitment whatsoever from him. Not how I'd envisioned life. But hey ho.

OK TG I accept your point. However, he has provided no home, or contribution to one in which to raise our child! I'm sorry, but expecting to move in to mine where literal blood sweat and tears were required to make it a home is not on. Almost definitely past experience has shaped me, but that doesn't make me wrong. I was honest about where I was at from the start.

I would calmly tell him that you would like to get married and move on as a family, living together. Ask him if he is up for this and if so set a date. It's not the 1800s and you don't have to sit around pining and hoping he decides to propose to you.

I think you're being a bit silly.
I would like to get married, but my partner isnt so keen (he's been married and divorced) but what really matters is that you love each other and your baby. We've given our daughter my partner's surname which I'm happy about. It doesn't make me feel less close to her at all. Don't force through a wedding of your partner isn't quite ready for one. That's my advice anyway.

And if he doesn't agree to commit then definitely don't give the baby his surname.

So do you have your married surname? If so give the baby that name.

Your BF doesn't seem ready for a serious relationship with a child.

My boyfriend has never been married, although was engaged once. Not really sure what the issue is, other than he isn't sure of me.

Do you think it's likely he's planning on proposing as a big gesture when baby is born. Just feels like something some men would think was a good idea. My husband held off telling me he loved me until he was saying bye when I was going travelling to Africa, wanted some big gesture. Not that either getting engaged or having a baby requires anything added to make it an occasion of course!

I am not married, I have my maiden name only.

It's a nice thought IKEA!

I think you are very wise op, you are probably having a hormonal wobble!

If your home is your security and he is not fully commited and this is important to you then don't compromise!

Why is he still living at home how old is he?

The baby gets your name!

He's 38! Retrained after a downturn in his field, moved back home, and never left.

I know I'm hormonal, but also trying to be sensible. My home and life are stable, and that took hard work, which I'm loathed to jeopardise if he isn't 100% about me.

It might be a good idea for him to move in to see if you are compatible before marriage. Still give the baby your name until you are married.

I wouldn't let him move in until you are absolutely sure about your future, particularly as you have other Dcs to think about.

If he IS really into you then he will propose without being pushed, because he really cannot live without you, anything less then keep your house , just yours and Dcs.

If he moved in and it all fell apart it would cause you considerable chaos...

What surname do your existing children have?
If you've worked hard to earn your own home, why would you wnt someone to hVe a claim on it through marriage?

Give the baby your surname.

Give the baby your name!! Always. Regardless of relationship status, give the baby mums name.

My children have their fathers surname, but are "known as" my surname everywhere, due to their father not being around (his choice). He is still around enough to refuse a name change, but not to contribute to their upbringing in any way.

Hi oldermumtobe2018

I’m sorry to sound harsh but he needs to contribute, it sounds like he doesn’t, if he wants to move in then he should be wanting and offering to pay towards bills! 50/50, he can’t just expect everything for free. Although that’s my opinion. Hope the situation ends up being sorted.

If you do truly want to live together I would ask him to move in now. That way you've had a few months of living together before the baby arrives. He will need to respect that it is your home and you've worked extremely hard for that security.

If you were to get married he would potentially be entitled to half of your assets should it not work out.

Once you live with someone for 6mths or more, they are entitled to claim half of everything, regardless of marriage.