Pregnant, and still officially single.

[OlderMumToBe2018]

Basically, been in a relationship for 3 years, and it's been a great 3 years. I have two children from a previous relationship, and became single when my youngest was only a few months old. Their dad was cheat. So I was single for around 5 years before meeting my current partner. We didn't plan children together, but I fell pregnant. There's 4 months to go before I deliver.

Cue panic. I work full time, juggle everything to support my children, and maintain our home. Boyfriend lives at home with parents and stays over sometimes. I made it clear from the beginning we wouldn't move in until committed, as in to be married. Becoming pregnant has not changed that. One night not long after finding out, I got in a right state, howling, because I realised the baby would have a different surname to me. At this point he said he had planned on proposing this year.

I'm still waiting. The baby will be here soon.

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

Am I being silly?

Having a baby with someone is only a commitment if the guy actually commits and as we know from mn many don't.

Do you not get that MN, isn't the wider world. That people aren't going to come and talk about how great their partner is or how much of an equal parent they are.

MN can skew your view, because people come here to vent and get advice on shitty situations.

Besides which, if the ops partner is going to be shit parent and partner, marriage will not change that. The OP is in the much more secure position and marriage would not be advantageous to her.

Even if the other parent of your child is shit. You will still be connected. What if the child develop a relationship with them when they are older etc.

I've seen too many real life situations play out in a similar way to be able to say it's just the skewed mn view. If op wants a commitment (and she clearly does or did) then having a baby with dp isn't going to necessarily meet that desire.

If op wants a commitment (and she clearly does or did) then having a baby with dp isn't going to necessarily meet that desire.

You didn't mention real life. You mentioned mn.

I never said it was going to meet that desire. Simply that a baby is a bigger commitment.

Is it a marriage that you want, or a proposal? I can't get the logic to check out on this one.

If you want to know that he's committed enough to you to marry you; before you let him move in, you can propose. He'll accept or decline and that'll tell you what you need to know.

If it's a proposal from him, and a show of commitment from his side that he wants to take things further, you can't make him propose on your timeline - you'd undermine your own cause. If he turns up and proposes tomorrow, you won't know if that's because he wants to marry you or because you've given him an ultimatum and he wants to live with his baby.

It's admirable that you want everything to run smoothly and to plan; and you're looking out for your home and all your kids - and I'd absolutely give the new baby my surname in these circumstances - but this isn't really a perfect scenario to begin with and you don't have a huge amount of time to try and change it into one.

I can only assume you haven't read any of the threads on here by women whose dp has very little to do with the dc and how frustrating it is when they're literally left holding the baby.

That can happen when they were married as well.

Having a baby with someone is only a commitment if the guy actually commits and as we know from mn many don't.

In what way is marriage a commitment if one partner doesn’t actually commit?

Marriage brings financial security for many, emotional security as well. It is much harder to simply split up. Divorce proceedings are long winded and involved.
Being married for many brings together the family by name and is recognised in society as such. I can see why op would find this appealing. Most of us want to feel secure, loved and comfortable.

Marriage brings financial security for many,

But not for the OP. If you read the thread she is concerned about him providing and him being entitled to what she has built herself.

So marriage won't bring that to her.

Being married for many brings together the family by name and is recognised in society as such. I can see why op would find this appealing.

And as a grown up she’s entitled to ask for it, but not to expect to be asked.

OPs dp knows she wants to be married, so although she is free to ask away herself it is 2018 after all, that is not really what she is looking for, she is looking for him to step up and start to make things happen.

We have no idea of his earning potential do we? Or their future finances assuming that their marriage is successful and runs the course. It would be nice to have a crystal ball, but having raising three children alone isn't going to be easy financially for her either is it?

Op is looking for her dp to become a grown up and provide for her and the children. It is my guess that he may be incapable of doing this, and she is just realising he isn't up to the job (lets hope he is)

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

I’m not sure what it is you’re asking here. If that is your concern then tbh, you’re far better off staying separate and raising the baby alone as a single parent than either living with or marrying him and losing any tax credits or housing benefit you’re currently entitled to.

I don't think marriage is necessary a sign of commitment. I think supporting you emotionally and financially is a sign of commitment, looking after you, contributing to house work and child care - is he and will he be doing all of this?! If not, why would you want to marry and live with him anyways.

I’m glad the baby will have your name.

However I think it’s completely bonkers to marry when you have met even tried living together first so don’t know if you’re compatible!

Personally I’d gave the marriage talk and set a date for in 12+ months time and live together in the meantime. That way you’ll have time to see if you are compatible living together and time to call it off if you aren’t. Win win.

I don't think it's fair on your existing children for you to marry someone you've never even lived with. You have no idea whether you will get on or not, if it makes the children happy/unhappy etc. Sheer madness.

Yes having a baby should mean a bigger commitment than marriage but most couples usually plan them rather than just fine themselves pregnant through lack of birth control etc. Giving him the ultimatum of marriage in order that he can live with his child is weird and selfish. Your wants ahead of the child.

user1486956786

It depends on your view of marriage. For me it was definitely a sign of commitment, and when we said our vows we both meant every word, and have since been through the whole sickness and in health in a literal sense, and I can say quite confidently being married has made a huge difference to the sense of security I feel. Anyone can help out with the kids, unstack the dishwasher and listen to your woes but a good marriage goes way beyond those things.

rainforesttreeswinging

But the OP isn't convinced her Dp is financially reliable. She will be giving a lot up and doesn't feel (it seems) getting a lot back.

If she has these concerns, marriage isn't going to make them magically disappear. Marriage is a big commitment and risk.

The man is living with his mum and dad ! There’s no evidence he’s even a fully functioning adult yet. No way would I marry someone that hadn’t even lived independently.

I am not married, I have my maiden name only.

I thought you were divorced.

In which case you newborn can have your surname.

I'm an advocate of marriage so I understand why you'd want to get married at this point.

I just wonder how motivated a 38 yesr old man still living at home actually is.

Funny how you sited him claiming half of everything as a reason and then when people questioned the validity of your claim, it suddenly no longer was important.

I'm another who doesn't quite understand while you haven't trailed living together, much more sensible given the circumstances. What are you really afraid of if you trailed him moving in? Being married won't suddenly make you compatible or keep you together. I think this has very little to do with your man and very much to do with your general relationship fears and the misguided belief that being married provides immunity.

Tbh it comes across as if you’re deliberately holding him at arms length. You’ve given him an impossible option, “marry me, but do it blind without ever having lived with me and my children” what person in their right mind would marry someone who they’ve never lived with especially when they have existing children? I don’t think you do want him to move in. Probably out of fear of being left with a cocklodger, maybe you have a fair idea already that he is one. For your children’s sake I think it’s pribably best he doesn’t move in. You don’t seem at all sure about this relationship so there is absolutely no point subjecting your children to it. Have a good honest think about whether you actually want to be with this man properly and then decide what to do.

Holding him deliberately at arms length...

Are some of you living in cloud cuckoo land, seems very much the other way round?!

I have studied, I have worked hard to reach a good position at work, where I am dependent on nothing and no one to make things work. That is very soon to change. Returning to work will likely be a part time pursuit at best, for a few years. He is happy about the baby most definitely, and clear about where I stand, but still, nothing.

Do the critics know how it feels to be considering these things, because I do have a family who I work hard to provide for, when their father decided that sowing his wild oats freely for eternity was a better option than being a father to them? I'd no choice but to toughen up and be both for them. Even now, he has a contact order he does not exercise, a disgusting child maintenance arrears bill, and all the while, the world still keeps turning.

To those who have said I am being unfair on my existing two children, can you understand that is unfair? They have spent time with my boyfriend, we've been on holidays together, had him stay for periods of time, and, due to the nature of his work, they are entirely used to that setup of him not always being around? I thought I did the right thing by my children by not rushing this step, and by making it clear from the outset that a commitment is required to become full time in their lives and indeed mine. They were never a secret, boyfriend knew they were a part of me when he asked me out. They were too young to understand what happened with their father, and have only ever really known the family unit as them and me.

In terms of his parents, no, they aren't the sort to be actively discouraging him from committing, quite the opposite. They do not want a grown man living with them anymore, they have other chapters of their life to write, and rightly so.

I have made my decision. No, I don't want to force him to commit, it would have been preferable for him to want to commit, given that the stakes are high. He is clear on my wishes, always has been, and has, by his inaction, made his feelings clear. The status quo shall be maintained.

Thanks all for contributing.

Ok I’m not at all sure what you’re asking from this thread. I’m not sure you know yourself tbh.

So do you want to get married or not?

Because it seems you have worked hard for all you have and don't want him to come along and be entitled to half of it. You feel he needs to put more in. Which I get.

But you still want to get married. If you want to commit, then you are both committing.

Not by forcing the issue I don't. Looks like I'm one of those who is not going to have that level of relationship, and that's OK. I have offered more than enough commitment by offering mine and my children's lives up, and for whatever reason that's not quite acceptable to him right now. Three years is plenty time, the way we have been going for him to make a decision, and he hasn't, so I'm making it.

Legally you are single or married/civil partnership. There is no such thing as common law wife/husband

What would be your desired out come?

I too, am struggling to understand what you want from the relationship.

Do you not feel him offering his life up is enough commitment?