Pregnant, and still officially single.

[OlderMumToBe2018]

Basically, been in a relationship for 3 years, and it's been a great 3 years. I have two children from a previous relationship, and became single when my youngest was only a few months old. Their dad was cheat. So I was single for around 5 years before meeting my current partner. We didn't plan children together, but I fell pregnant. There's 4 months to go before I deliver.

Cue panic. I work full time, juggle everything to support my children, and maintain our home. Boyfriend lives at home with parents and stays over sometimes. I made it clear from the beginning we wouldn't move in until committed, as in to be married. Becoming pregnant has not changed that. One night not long after finding out, I got in a right state, howling, because I realised the baby would have a different surname to me. At this point he said he had planned on proposing this year.

I'm still waiting. The baby will be here soon.

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

Am I being silly?

Really regretting making a post at all
Why? We don't know you and the majority will share their own lived experience and wisdom with you for your benefit only....and correct any factual illusions you have regards legalities.
Anything you don't like to hear you can just ignore.

He's 38! Retrained after a downturn in his field, moved back home, and never left
To me, this indicates he has no desire to be fully independent or take full responsibility for his life.
He's happy to take advantage of other's security, is probably shit with taking on the mental load of organising and doing the domestic chores and running a household.
Quite telling that in 3 years he's not given a shit about contributing to your home/life plans or giving you any form of commitment but expects he can just move in.
You'll probably find he's a man child who needs to be told what to do and needs picking up after - living with you temporarily will show you what he's really like.
He comes across as immature and entitled.

My home and life are stable, and that took hard work, which I'm loathed to jeopardise if he isn't 100% about me
I wouldn't trust him even if he did propose now, and if i did marry him i'd make legally sure he had no claim on my home in the event of a split/divorce.

It sounds like you're already doing awesome job of being a mum and providing for your dc, don't risk it for some romantic ideal.

I get what you are saying I am not sure I would want to share/risk all that I had built - am in similar boat with being single mum although don’t own my own home yet

But the reason people are confused is because him marrying you risks all that even more... he would be automatically entitled to half your house! You would have less to worry about legally if you didn’t marry him - much safer

What is this really about? You can’t protect your assets and wistfully desire a fully committed romantic outcome in the same breath, they are not the same thing. Marriage would be a big risk - to you. Cohabiting would be riskier for him as he could invest money into a house that isn’t his

Ideally I think what you wanted to see was not a man still living at home... I mean did he use these years saving up for a house deposit? Has he got any intention of buying his own place? Or just moving in with you?

It sounds like he’s just coasting along and you are already resentful at his cushy life whilst you slave away with 3 kids and all the stress. I wouldn’t respect a man in this situation very much either TBH but... if you hadn’t given him the opportunity to contribute to your household by living with him, how can you know he wouldn’t step up to this?

I expect you are both waiting for the other to make a move. You for a proposal and him for a moving in invite. If neither will budge it doesn’t make either of you right or wrong but you have different properties

*priorities

I was married to my DC’s dad and it offered me no financial protection whatsoever as I was the higher earner. I also never took his surname and my DC have a double barrelled surname. Marriage means very little tbh and I agree with PP’s about seeing how you find living together before jumping into marriage.

Are you expecting a shotgun wedding in the last trimester of your pregnancy or something? . I don’t really see what you have to lose letting him move in to your home, you won’t lose anything if you split. Just double barrel the surname or give the baby yours until you marry then change it by deed poll /re-register the birth.

Two things really:

if he knows you want to get married why do you need a proposal? It's not like you're going to say no.

Is he ready to be a father to all your children? Shouldn't the children all have your name?

OP with or without marriage, your relationship does not sound as if it will last. If he moves in, your house is his home and it will be difficult to get him out, but not impossible. If you are married, he will have a claim on the equity of your home, not necessarily 50%, unless the marriage lasts a long time. IF the marriage were to be a short one, you might still have to pay him some money to get him out. If you do decide to marry, before doing so, please get a PRENUP which sets out clearly that he is never to have a claim on your home. Prenups are not legally binding YET, but they are important in showing any judge what your joint intentions were on marriage. Judges consider that information important and can easily be persuaded by it. It often encourages the divorcing parties to stick to the terms of the prenup without fighting. Get good legal advice, your house is your home your security , and that of your children. You could have to sell it to pay him off, if you do not safeguard your rights.

He does not sound committed to you, from what you have written.

I haven’t read anything other than your first post but why will the baby have a different sur name to you?

Just keep your sur name as the babies. What’s the problem?

Chippyway perhaps it would be useful to at least ready all the OP’s responses.

Did you know you can alter your preferences to colour the posts of an OP? This is great for keeping up with a large thread

Joysmum - Ohhhh, how do you do that?!

Good question - and I can’t remember the answer

Could somebody else please explain how to change setting so that posts by the OP are s different colour and so easily identifiable

Give the baby your surname (always, even if you're married - he can change of he wants).

I wouldn't marry someone I'd never lived with. Have him move in now, contribute to household bills etc, and see what he's like to live with. Give it a year and if you're happy, then get married. And tell him you want to get married - it's a conversation between two adults about your legal status, not a grand gesture made by a man.