Pregnant, and still officially single.

[OlderMumToBe2018]

Basically, been in a relationship for 3 years, and it's been a great 3 years. I have two children from a previous relationship, and became single when my youngest was only a few months old. Their dad was cheat. So I was single for around 5 years before meeting my current partner. We didn't plan children together, but I fell pregnant. There's 4 months to go before I deliver.

Cue panic. I work full time, juggle everything to support my children, and maintain our home. Boyfriend lives at home with parents and stays over sometimes. I made it clear from the beginning we wouldn't move in until committed, as in to be married. Becoming pregnant has not changed that. One night not long after finding out, I got in a right state, howling, because I realised the baby would have a different surname to me. At this point he said he had planned on proposing this year.

I'm still waiting. The baby will be here soon.

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

Am I being silly?

That's not true at all in the UK. Where do you live?

That’s bollocks OP.

Not bollocks in Scotland. Thanks.

Boyfriend lives at home with parents and stays over sometimes. I made it clear from the beginning we wouldn't move in until committed, as in to be married. Becoming pregnant has not changed that.

A marriage can be ended. A baby ties you together FOR LIFE.

One night not long after finding out, I got in a right state, howling, because I realised the baby would have a different surname to me.

No need for them to.

At this point he said he had planned on proposing this year.

Of course he did.

I'm still waiting. The baby will be here soon.

It’s 2018. Ask him if you want to get married!

As things stand, I can't risk becoming dependent on someone who is not committed to me, been there, done that.

Am I being silly?

Frankly, yes. You need to give your head a wobble.

No such thing as common law marriage in Scotland either.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership-s/living-together-and-opposite-sex-marriage-legal-differences-s/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership-s/living-together-and-opposite-sex-marriage-legal-differences-s/

That’s not the case, OP

Still give the baby your name until you are married.

No. Give the baby your name and let your partner decide whether to change hus name should you marry.

OP, as common law marriage doesnt exist in Scotland, could you point me towards the relevant legislation which says all property becomes jointly owned after 6 months because I can't find it.

No op, it’s bollocks

www.gov.scot/Publications/2006/04/27135238/1

He can claim half of anything bought during the time you live together But not half of all you already own.

And I’ve no idea where you got the 6 months time frame.

OK, we've established its bollocks, with the input of others. Still doesn't really change anything does it? I don't want to move him in when he isn't committed to me.

Really regretting making a post at all.

So why do you want to marry someone that you’re basically having to drag to the altar?

But gave you asked him to commit to you? As I said before, you can suggest getting married and if he is up for it go for it. if he isn't then at least you know where you stand. Don't wait for him to propose.

You're cutting off your nose a bit to spite your face.

Why does commitment = marriage?
Marriages end every single day. You ran run from a marriage easier than you can run from a baby.
People are together for decades without marrying, would you say they aren't committed?

I think your issue here is you're seeing marriage as a safety net in the relationship, as of once you're married everything will be fine.

Can't tell you how to live your life, but I wouldn't marry someone I'd never lived with. You're expecting him to commit to a marriage/proposal, to you, to your kids, without really getting to feel like part of the family first. Moving in together is like a test drive, if it doesn't work, you just go back to the way you were before.

You can run *
Damn autocorrect

I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. What if he drives you crazy or he and your other children don’t get on all under the same roof?

What has he suggested about living together and the contact he wants to have when the baby is here?

Thanks for the input, going to register the baby with my name, and continue living as is. I don't need, or indeed want to force anyone to marry me. As mentioned in the OP, we had been together 3 years, during which we took time to have him meet my children, do everything "right", and he has stayed over a few days at a time, but never moved in. It can stay that way, or, as I suspect, a rift will develop when the baby's name is registered. At least I know where I stand, and so does he. There were no illusions cast on my part from the start. Thanks for your help.

I agree that you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Far better to live together for a while before committing to marriage, and also to get used to living together without the stress of a newborn. And having him there in the early days, even if he is just slightly helpful, is going to better than trying to manage a newborn and other dc alone.

However, he has provided no home, or contribution to one in which to raise our child! I'm sorry, but expecting to move in to mine where literal blood sweat and tears were required to make it a home is not on. Almost definitely past experience has shaped me, but that doesn't make me wrong. I was honest about where I was at from the start.

But you seem ok with the above as long as he produces an engagement ring.

If you arent happy with what he contributes, he should move in and contributes more to the house, with or with getting married. Currently, he needs to contribute to your child (When it arriaves) but has no obligation to contribute to your house.

It feels a bit like you want him to move in, but not without an engagement, but want the engagement to happen asap but not willing to have the conversation as a joint thing. It has to be a proposal from him.

You are having a baby. That's a bigger commitment than marriage. Why can't there be a discussion about this. Make clear what you want and need to no e the relationship forward and make a plan together?

I don't need, or indeed want to force anyone to marry me
Asking isn5 forcing. Its putting your cards on the table.

You are having a baby. That's a bigger commitment than marriage
It's not though is it? It's a big commitment from the OP to the baby but it's no indication of any commitment from her dp to anyone. I don't blame her wanting a formal commitment from him, something that shows he wants to move forward rather than stay at his mum's and live his own life.

There have been so many threads on mn about women who havent been married to their dp, then when things go wrong they end up with no rights to any support. Marriage isn't a guarantee that the relationship will work but it is a legal commitment which on so mention threads we have seen makes a difference.

Are you sure he is the partner for you OP? It sounds to me as though you are having doubts about him as a provider and you don’t really want him to share the life you have built for yourself.

Would marriage really be enough for you OP or will you resent the fact he hasn’t ‘contributed’ enough?

It's not though is it? It's a big commitment from the OP to the baby but it's no indication of any commitment from her dp to anyone.

It is a bigger commitment. By having a kid together your are connected for life. Marriage can be gotten out of. Personally I wouldn't have a baby without marriage. However, that ship has sailed. I don't think the OP is wrong for wanting to be married. But she doesn't seem happy with him anyway And how he provides. Marriage or engagement isn't going to change that.

I can only assume you haven't read any of the threads on here by women whose dp has very little to do with the dc and how frustrating it is when they're literally left holding the baby. Having a baby with someone is only a commitment if the guy actually commits and as we know from mn many don't.

I agree with you op, it is very disappointing after three years together that he still hasn’t made a move to commit to you properly in any shape or form. Now you are carrying his child and in some ways expect a bit more from him.

Maybe it is a little bit too easy and cosy at home with mummy and daddy? He gets everything done for him and then he has a few days delving into the adult world and perhaps it looks like hard work?

Does he have parents that are ‘steering’ him away from commitment to you? On the quiet perhaps?

Or is he simply a mummy’s boy st heart with no backbone or ambition?

You are preparing to be completely independent, good move. Personally this set up just wouldn’t be good enough for me either. If you are looking for a secure traditional family unit he may not be the right man for you.