Husband says I should 'balance' him when he gets angry during a crisis and that because I can't/wont we can't be in s relationship

[merville]

Will try not to write an essay;

My husband often seems to get angry/bad tempered/ frustrated during a crisis.

Today a minor crisis cropped bul when he was trying to change our extremely active 10 month old's nappy and she got a hold of some liquid soap and squirted it into her mouth and eye.

We were advised by go out of hrs to take hef to a&e as a precaution and did so but before we left I noticed him getting angry and frustrated (and verbalising it) trying to wash her eye area, bumping against something in our cluttered (moved house and with young baby things are disorganised etc etc. His communi cation with me wax also snappy/bad tempered.

I was in no mood to put up with it, had noticed it on previous occasions and decided that if he was going to be bad tempered with me (esp hang done nothing to merit it) he could see what if was like to have it back.

After the a&e visit, I raised the issue and this resulted in an extended row.

In one of the more articulate (!) Moments of the row, I said that it was not my job to pacify him during a crisis when I was already trying to deal/help with the crisis and his response was that 'then we can not be in a relationship'.

He expanded by saying that people have different reactions to crises and that that is his (not all of the time but some), that anger can be very useful in some crisis/situations and that should 'balance' things. Also that because I was saying I would not, we are not suited to a relationship, I'm too volatile, it's a bad combination etc

(I could but I don't feel I should have to).

He seems to think this is perfectly reasonable. He explained that he doesn't mean I should be viewed by his anger/temper these times (in a response to my incredulous question) but kept saying there needs to be balance. So presumably someone who doesn't respond to his anger of reciprocate it.

He thinks this is reasonable, I'd like to show him some people's pinions (though I have a feeling he'll say a group of women will naturally side with me) I'll still try.

Softer approach my arse, more like fuckwittery apologists.

Agent - the two forums I tend to frequent are like chalk and cheese; have a look at the thread if you're interested. Several of these are women.

forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=176029411

(You may need copious amounts of alcohol to bring your blood pressure down after reading it - not that copious amounts does that but you know what I mean).

Society in general accepts ‘he couldn’t help himself’ far more readily than ‘she couldn’t help herself. I have to disagree, it is a chauvinist attitude that says women should check the thermometer of a man’s emotions and tailor her response to it.

His statement was quite clear, you need to change, not him and just in case you didn’t get the message, he’s prepared to leave your arse unless you pander to his behaviour.

Good luck.

Nah, not going to read it to know that there are far too many women out there who subscribe to the ‘he can’t help himself’ gender bias bullshit.

Sounds to me like the next crisis, you have to make sure you get in there first to bagsie the "being angry and arsey" role. I'm sure he will be more than happy to then make sure he is calm and passive while dealing with the crisis in order to provide the proper balance in your relationship.

Agent - I agree e. the expectations of female & males in our societies. I do think the male brain is somewhat different but I don't think it should be an excuse for poor behaviour of any sort.

(Also I didn't take his 'then we can't be in a relationship' entirely seriously at the time, and even less so after the height of the row. Sometimes people say rash, extreme things they don't fully mean in an argument - I certainly have, including about ending the relationship as well.

No doubt this means we both (and everyone who's ever said "I'm out/going to be out" without 100% meaning it should find better ways to communicate and be more mature but ....

I included it in the post in order not to omit things and to show the level of fkwittery at play in order to get feedback).

Wow. Yours is the 3rd thread I've read this week about an angry oh.

Apologies if someone has already posted links... I've not read all responses

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3313996-DH-having-rages-advice-please

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3319829-DH-verbally-abused-me-and-wont-apologise

What is going on with these ragey, sweary , entitled men? Not one of them would behave like this at work and all seem to be charming life and soul of the party type genial hosts around friends.

I think partners of these men need to stop trying to work out why the men behave like this. They need to ask why they themselves are putting up with this. These men are not worth the effort of being understood frankly.

Hi OP, as your male forum said,
it is a 'learned skill'. I say that as someone who has worked very hard on my anger.

Your partner needs to acknowledge that he MUST do something about it, rather than shrug and say "that's just me and you need to balance it".

Whether you're male or female anger does nothing to help you in a crisis. It's an unhelpful distraction and means you are not in control but running responding irrationally and running on cortisol. It's not just for you or your DC he needs to do this. I'm currently dealing with a massive personnel issue at work because a male employee started shouting and screaming at a female employee. He's maintaining it was her fault as "she wouldn't drop (the issue)". Things don't look good for him HR wise.

Hi I can see where you are coming from totally, however after a number of years arguing with my hubby over similar things I found that looking at my faults as well as his improved the whole relationship. Sometimes it's too easy to go with the f**k attitude rather then carry out some self learning.

Re the other forum, man are frequently given time to learn how to deal with baby incidents, that’s a luxury they have. Women mostly don’t so that’s why it pisses many women off to read that stuff. Because it subconsciously internalises that parenting is instinctive to a woman and a guy can take his time and adjust. It isn’t instinctive - they are tiny and fragile and we are terrified!

Timeisnotaline - absolutely, people have this weird, cliched (sexist) idea that women are natural mothers and men are not natural fathers. I don't believe that's the case at all.

Doingreat - I'll have a look at the threads, thanks.

He's not habitually/regularly angry or shouty - it's during crises (and football matches).

And it's not every crisis - I think that one caused anger/temper & frustration because he felt it was his fault. He said to me after 'I was thinking, how could I have let that happen, I let that happen'.

I've been responsible for 2 chair/bouncer related falls when I didn't do up the harness properly (obviously I felt fkg horrendous about both). He wasn't there for one, but the other; while I panicked he acted v quickly & calmly, comforted her and was not in any way angry.

(As for sweary, not really; I'm the sweary one lol).

Your partner needs to acknowledge that he MUST do something about it, rather than shrug and say "that's just me and you need to balance it".

ADream - exactly.

I will speak further to him, if he cannot or will not, I have major doubts about the lt future of the marriage (and what do you do when they have them on their own).

Ironically the type of anger you're describing in DH is maladaptive from an evolutionary stand point. It wasnt helpful. And uncontrolled emotion is also detrimental to performance in sport. Good athletes have higher than average emotional stability and tend to be positive and highly resilient. High level athletes work with psychologists to help control and utilise their emotions. His are just spilling out. Slightly off topic but just thought I would point his obviously erronous reasoning (although you were guessing and he hasnt exactly claimed this as a defence....but if he does!)

Badger - yes I was guessing that's what he was referencing, I'm not sure. He's very interested in sports psychology.

As you say, sportspeople must control and channel 'anger' or it's completely counter-productive.

The more I think about it, he might be referring to situations when there's a threat (not one solvable by pacification or avoidance) and someone needs to act quickly and aggressively i.e. if someone or thing (e.g. dog) snatched a child, or tried to harm a child.

However that is a completely different scenario from the one I've posted about, and most injury/accident scenarios would be similar; I don't see any benefit to anger/temper at all .. to me it's face-saving, pride-salvaging, barely related bullshit. And I'll say so.

being calm in a crisis with a child is a learned skill that takes time, esp. for some men.

This is basically the usual excuse for men doing parenting in a crap manner.

Why do they get more time to learn this skill than women? This is just sexism, nothing more, nothing less. It's shockingly blatant, do people still really believe this crap?

He is insane. Tell him to imagine his daughter's angry moody boyfriend telling her this and how she should swallow her feelings and modify her behaviour to suit his needs and allow him to be as angry and aggressive as he wants.