DH having rages - advice please?

[bonitabonita]

I want to tell you a situation that happened last night and hear your opinion on it, if you could be so kind. I have NC for this but have posted about my marriage before and the advice I've received has been incredibly helpful. I really apologise for the length - I want to give factual account, not 'my' version.

I am the main earner and have done over 60hours a week for the last 10 weeks due to a staff illness so am very tired. I am also having other problems - someone crashed into me and wrote my car off, we are on a spring water supply that has dried up so we are having to carry a lot of water around, my pet has been unwell and needed daily treatment, lots on with DC at end of school year etc. We've got a lot on.

I am taking DC away Tues - Sat for a break in London, DH has to work as he is on fixed holidays - I am self employed. Yesterday DD wanted to watch Coco. I agreed it looked great, we all did. I was working 8-6.30pm today, during the day DS14 did a lot of chores - hoovered whole house, swept and steam mopped kitchen, changed his bed, cleaned his room, emptied all the bins, sorted recycling loads more. DD12 had a sports event came home and made dinner - a Thai curry and stirfry. DH was pottering in the garden all day so when I got home I sorted the washing, changed the beds put everything in the kitchen away etc.

When I came down DC has organised everything and even poured me a glass of wine and put it where I like to sit (I drink maybe 2x per week 1/2 glasses wine). Food ready, film on, everyone happy. If you know the film, you'll know the bit I mean, but about 45 mins in a character appears and I said "oooooo look, do you know who that is meant to be?"
DC "No"
Me "It's Frieda Kahlo"
DH "It might not be based on her"
Me "I think it is"
DH "You think you know everything"
Me speechless

3 mins later

DS "It is Frieda Kahlo"
Me "I thought it was, she's very famous. I don't know anything about her art thou." at this point I could see DH glaring at me and said "Sorry" quietly
DH "I said you knew everything, you make me feel like shit, I feel like shit"
DH Storms out to his greenhouse for 45 minutes.

DC upset and cross with me saying "why did you say that"
me "what"
"That you thought it was her, you should just be quiet"
"why?"
then look confused "don't know"

Eventually I went out to try and find out what was going on. I was totally calm but confused. As I walked over he said "for gods sake" and slammed the shed door in my face. I knocked and said "what are you doing, please can we watch the film with the kids and we can talk later if you're upset"
DH "Fuck off"
Me "stop being horrible, I haven't done anything wrong"
DH "leave me alone, you always follow me and make me feel like shit, stop fucking hassling me, leave me alone"
At this point I was really frustrated "Fine, stay out here. But unless you come in, apologise and watch the film I am locking up at 9 and you can stay out her"
DH "fuck off and stop calling me names fuck off, go back to mainlining wine. Power drink your wine" (I had had maybe 1/2 glass of wine by this point and had certainly not called him names)

So I went in and after 30 minutes he comes in, watches the rest of the film and ignores me. DC went to bed and he refused to discuss it, sat with his head in his hands for over an hour.

This morning he slept until 10 then came outside to where I was feeding our pet and stood staring at me.
Me "what was all that about last night"
DH "I don't know"
Me "It was ridiculous. I want you to think about why you became so angry, it doesn't make sense"
DH "you wind me up"
Me "no, I didn't"
DH "you do wind me up deliberately and you wont shut up you go on and on being right all the time, you alway have to be right"
Me "that's not true. I get things wrong all the time. Remember during the England match when I said there were 13 men on a football team and you all took the piss of me and I thought it was really funny. I am happy to admit when I am wrong"
DH "You're always right aren't you"
Me "no, but I don't blame the person who is right when I am wrong, I am glad they have taught me something. What do you want? Last night the children said I shouldn't have said anything, I should never say anything. Is that what you want? To be like your dad"
DH angry "don't mention him!"
me "well watch out, you mother sits there in silence when he says ludicrous things, we don't see him, think what you want. I want to be told when I sound ridiculous or am wrong and I will not live with someone who behaves like you did last night"
DH "leave me alone"

He went out then and I am sat here wondering what the hell is going on. His mother is an alcoholic and his father has an extremely controlling personality. DH had an extremely unhappy childhood - alcoholism and violence.

I know that I am an annoying person. I am 'chatty' and have a very open relationship with DC so we talk about things DH would probably rather not listen to - news topics, injustice, books we read, films dissecting the plot - DH has been known to say this 'ruins' things, but can't explain why.

I just feel confused by it all. Sorry it is so long, advice much appreciated on what is going on, what I am doing to rile him so much. I am very tired and realise I am an irritating person, but why storm out and spoil the DC evening after they've been so kind/worked so hard? It seems so petty and immature.

Sorry it is so long - I wanted to give verbatim so it wasn't 'my' account. Thanks for any advice you can give. My head hurts thinking about it.

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds like an arse. He doesn't like you knowing anything he doesn't know; doesn't like you having opinions. Horrible.

[Celebelly]

Ugh. That sounds awful and worryingly it seems to be rubbing off on your DC – their comments about how you should have just been quiet. It's learned behaviour.

Honestly, I wouldn't accept being spoken to or sworn at in that way, and I would be letting your husband no in no uncertain terms that if he ever spoke to me like that again, especially in front of our child, I'd kick his arse to the kerb.

He sounds immature and jealous of you and your relationship with DC and very insecure in himself. But talking to you like that is disgusting.

[bonitabonita]

We are mid forties and have been together since we were 18. He didn’t used to behave like this. He has always refused to make decisions and I have always had all yeh responsibility in our lives. I will not put up with it either.

Not DC fault, they are very good on the whole. They didn’t want an arguement hence telling me to be quiet. They just wanted to watch a film.

He did exactly the same thing 3 weeks ago when we tried to watch ‘jumangi’. It was the day before ds birthday and dh commented “I’ll give him the bumps” I said ‘what does that mean, I’ve never understood it” and he got really angry and acused me of ‘taking the piss’ and was ranting and raving. Horrible.

He’s massive - 6 foot 6 and I am 5 foot 2 and and when he shouts and storms off I feel very anxious.

[Agustarella]

My ex was like this after we married (not before, or I wouldn't have married him, even pregnant and against my better judgement.) By the end we couldn't have a normal conversation without him shooting me down over some minor thing that didn't matter to eithet of us, like (I'm guessing) whether it was Frida Kahlo doesn't in itself matter much to you. My granddad was like it with my mum although my granny had a thick skin and would argue back, and my dad is a bit like it too - nobody female is allowed to have any opinion about anything, even when he knows and cares nothing about the subject.

There's a lot of shitty, angry, entitled male behaviour out there. Don't let it ruin your life and your childrens' lives. Get away from him and let him be right about everything all by himself, forever.

[detdet]

Not DC fault, they are very good on the whole. They didn’t want an arguement hence telling me to be quiet. They just wanted to watch a film.

Gosh no! Don't even think there's any doubt who's at fault. Not you, not your DC.

Your husband is fucking ridiculous. You don't wind him up. The behaviour is all his.

My x was a moody dick. It was exhausting.

[bonitabonita]

I don’t know anything about Frieda kahlo and if he didn’t want me to talk during the film he could have asked me to be quiet politely. He seems to be turning into a foul tempered beligerant old man.

He sent me a text at work yesterday telling me neither of the dc had brought him a drink and snack out whilst he was ‘working hard in the garden’. The garden is his hobby. The animals are mine. I have repeatedly told him not to moan about ‘working in the garden’ and to stop doing it if he doesn’t actively enjoy it.

In the last 3 years he has ditched all his friends - doesn’t call or text back, started ignoring any visitors etc. Spends all gardening or on his phone reading about music whilst listening to music. I am glad he has hobbies he enjoys, but then he moans he’s had no time to paint, go shopping, watch breaking bad or whatever he wants to do. It’s just so wearing.

I can just work mon-sat and be happy with my dc on Sunday. I don’t need all this bullshit negativity.

[croprotationinthe13thcentury]

He sounds thoroughly pointless and being married to him must feel like a prison sentence. You either get out now or resign yourself to another 40 years of this.

[category12]

Sounds like you're recreating his parents' dynamic. If he was willing to see that and go to counselling, then you might have a shot, but otherwise I think you would do better by your dc to split up.

[bonitabonita]

He’s also gone tea total, which I think is great and have encouraged and praised him for. But now he keeps making references to me drinking. I never drink Monday - Friday and have maybe a bottle of wine over sat and Sunday evening or a cocktail and a glass of wine if I go out.

His father was an alcoholic until mid 40s when he ‘found god’ and became extremely orthodox catholic. His mother is still an alcoholic.

His behaviour seems totally unrelated to me and I feel it is a pantomime of something he saw when he was little but he refuses to discuss it.

I am worn out.

[bonitabonita]

He has counselling every fortnight. He tells me he is trying to resolve his issues (I told him at Xmas that unless he had counselling he could not come on our family holiday this summer after 2 ruined breaks where he refused to speak to me)

The majority of the time he is reasonable and he does a lot for the children. I am sick of his tantrums.

[matchingpjs]

It sounds as if he feels inferior to you and maybe to the children. Is there any reason for him to feel inferior? Or is he just an argumentative prat?
Afraid I haven’t got words for an adult who texts to complain his children haven’t brought him a drink outside!

[MsForestier]

My father is like this: appalling childhood has left him emotionally unstable and prone to rages and seething yet underneath he struggles. Very controlling, takes his unhappiness out in those around him. I've asked him to get help, after he stormed out of my house but to no avail. You can't deal with someone like this if they won't get help. I'm no contact now.

[NynaeveSedai]

I would honestly get rid. I know 22 years is a long time but that doesn't mean you should put up with another 22 doubled of this

[category12]

OK so he's locked into this dynamic. Time to call it a day, I think.

[MsForestier]

Bonita

[Agustarella]

I wonder why he didn't act like this before and the "Mr Hyde" took so long to emerge. Wouldn't you like it not to be your problem though? Imagine if you could just do stuff like watching a daft film without having to walk on eggshells all the time.

I used to think, like your kids, that I should just be quiet. So when XDH came home (he worked away often) I pretty much stopped talking to him beyond "your dinner's in the oven" or whatever. He then had this huge thing about me being cold and ungrateful and a terrible wife, etc. Once someone is determined to pick a fight, potentially anything and eveything you do is wrong and an excuse for one of their rages. So in that sense it's true that you're an annoying person, to him. (You sound nice and objectively not annoying btw.) My XDH left 16 years ago and as recently as last month he sent me a shitty email accusing me not only of the aforementioned coldness but a whole load of completely fictitious crimes and faults. We'd unfortunately had to be in touch over some unfinished business. Please don't let this happen to you, he's not going to change back to being nice (at least I've never known any man change back - once they lose respect for you it only gets worse, seemingly.)

Basically he's a loser, he knows he's a loser and he blames you because you're there. Don't be.

[bonitabonita]

I think you have hit the nail on the head. He does feel inferior. I am the main earner. DS is extremely academic and came top of year in 13 subjects, won 2 prizes, dd just been picked for county level sports team.

The reality is, he is the talented one. I am just a grafter. A plain old boring working class grafter who gets up everyday and works my arse off at being the best mum I can, earning the most I can for my family, planning the most enjoyable life I can.

He is very talented at sports and art. He can fix anything, he is charming when he wants to be and very good looking - he was a fitness model for years but stopped bacause he found it embarrassing.

He has so much to offer but chooses to ruin the short amount of free time we get as a family.

I spent years building him up and telling him how great he is but I am not going to do that when he is actively unpleasant to me.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

This doesn’t sound as though it’s really about you and, if it’s not actually about you, then there is no amount of modifying your own behaviour that could ever solve the problem. And, if he continues to behave like this, it will quickly become a huge problem for your children, as well as for you.
If he will not admit to feeling unhappy and out of control, and agree that counselling is needed, ai think you have to split up (and I do not say that lightly). I just think this sort of behaviour only travels in one direction.

[Dljlr]

God just go. Or better yet tell him to go. This is exhausting and unpleasant, you and your children deserve better. It doesn't matter if he's nice, or even wonderful, some of the time; if that really made up for it then you wouldn't be so exhausted by him and unhappy. You're confused because you can't see what you're doing wrong; that's because you're not doing anything wrong, this behaviour is his and his alone, it's not provoked by you or your children. Just get out.

[bonitabonita]

He finds my cheerfulness ‘Pollyannaish’ and annoying. I know I annoy him when he says his life is shit and I reply ‘well what do you want. I like my life, if you aren’t happy do something about it’

I know I am annoying. But I can just be happy. He’s put now and me and dc are listening to the radio and reading and just relaxed and happy. When he is home we all have to pretend to be doing ‘jobs’. It’s so stupid.

[PyeWackets]

What I find most worrying is that your kids think you should be silent. They are absorbing the message that women are responsible for men's anger, not good.

[bonitabonita]

We’re having a family holiday in 2 weeks. At Xmas after poor behaviour I said I wanted to go on my own. He promised to work hard and change his behaviour. The holiday was booked and now he is doing this again.

[bonitabonita]

I am an outspoken feminist and the dc know the score when it comes to women being entitled to speak etc. They just don’t want arguements and he is a sympathic figure.

[bonitabonita]

Thank you so so much. This is really helpful.

[bastardkitty]

Please, stop saying how annoying you think you are. Your H is an arsehole and I'm concerned that your DCs are encouraging you to pussyfoot around him. Honestly, you need to leave him. He's horrible.