Husband says I should 'balance' him when he gets angry during a crisis and that because I can't/wont we can't be in s relationship

[merville]

Will try not to write an essay;

My husband often seems to get angry/bad tempered/ frustrated during a crisis.

Today a minor crisis cropped bul when he was trying to change our extremely active 10 month old's nappy and she got a hold of some liquid soap and squirted it into her mouth and eye.

We were advised by go out of hrs to take hef to a&e as a precaution and did so but before we left I noticed him getting angry and frustrated (and verbalising it) trying to wash her eye area, bumping against something in our cluttered (moved house and with young baby things are disorganised etc etc. His communi cation with me wax also snappy/bad tempered.

I was in no mood to put up with it, had noticed it on previous occasions and decided that if he was going to be bad tempered with me (esp hang done nothing to merit it) he could see what if was like to have it back.

After the a&e visit, I raised the issue and this resulted in an extended row.

In one of the more articulate (!) Moments of the row, I said that it was not my job to pacify him during a crisis when I was already trying to deal/help with the crisis and his response was that 'then we can not be in a relationship'.

He expanded by saying that people have different reactions to crises and that that is his (not all of the time but some), that anger can be very useful in some crisis/situations and that should 'balance' things. Also that because I was saying I would not, we are not suited to a relationship, I'm too volatile, it's a bad combination etc

(I could but I don't feel I should have to).

He seems to think this is perfectly reasonable. He explained that he doesn't mean I should be viewed by his anger/temper these times (in a response to my incredulous question) but kept saying there needs to be balance. So presumably someone who doesn't respond to his anger of reciprocate it.

He thinks this is reasonable, I'd like to show him some people's pinions (though I have a feeling he'll say a group of women will naturally side with me) I'll still try.

What a twat.

I agree with him

You shouldn't be in a relationship with him

And he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone

Backwheniwas - no said I was volatile and we are not suited, not because I prioritised looking after bub instead of calming him; but because I reacted (and it was quite purposeful) to his bad temper and anger by being snappy and bad tempered back to him.

I was pissed off and wanted to make a point.

Hie is also referring to me being 'fiesty', sometimes hot tempered etc in general. I'm not exactly the meek and mild type lol. I suppose both our tempers have also been at boiling point due to new baby and moving stress, lack of sleep (and work/travel for him).

Ok you’re not compatible. Agree he wants a doormat. Bullshit to the sports analogy, there is no professional athlete who doesn’t need to channel and control any anger to succeed.
If he can’t handle minor events I wouldn’t want him looking after my child. How will he possibly manage with contact when you separate if no one is there to calm him down? I’d say to be clear you think we should separate and you aren’t fit to have contact unless a suitable doormat is with him?

Okay...I'll give it a go without insults to your DH which aren't helpful.

He thought I blamed him for it but I didn't

And I think this is the real problem. He probably already felt guilty and saw it as you having a go.

Perhaps if phrased this way.

"I'm not blaming you for the accident...but I notice whenever we have a crisis you get angry/frustrated etc which doesnt help the situation (makes me feel .....) I know it can be stressful....but If you [insert what you see as a better way to behave/react in response for a more positive outcome]."

However...if what he's saying is he can always be frustrated/angry in a crisis andit is your job to have to be the calming influence...then the marriage won't work...because it's not fair on you.
That would be him acting like a child.

I am sorry but if his default reaction to his child injuring herself ( yea soap is a minor injury in the grand scheme of things but not pleasant for a baby) is to get angry and frustrated then he needs to get himself checked the fuck out because there isn't a planet on which that is okay or reasonable. Getting flustered or upset (I was crying when my son tumbled over a washing basket and got a nose bleed at 10 months) is one thing but to get angry?! My husband picked my son off my knee as I was cleaning the blood as he could see I was shaken, cuddled our son and finished cleaning him before making sure he wasn't hurt and then cuddled me. That is balancing your partner out, God knows neither of us would accept let alone pander to any degree of aaggression towards our children in a crisis.

His way of thinking shows a complete absence of accountability for his actions and frankly you and your baby deserve better OP. Nobody is innocent when it comes to parenting and getting wound up from time to time, but the fact he thinks it is your job to keep his shit in check is not normal xxx

Is he always this much of a self centred twat?

It’s not your job to ‘handle’ his emotions, it’s his. If he can’t do that, he needs to go and get professional help. If he doesn’t sort this out, you will be better off separated. Raiding children can be incredibly stressful, you need a husband, not another adult sized ‘child’ to ‘manage’.

Raiding children is actually quite easy, raising them is the harder part.

...I’m sure you’ll forgive my typo 🤣

Well don't be in a relationship with him then. He is talking utter bullshit because he will not 'own' that his anger is wrong.

Who does he think he is to tell you that you can't be in a relationship with him? An angry man is no prize. I wouldn't live with one if you paid me, I much prefer civilised people. Life really is too fleeting for some people's nonsense.

Someone 'not volatile' wouldn't give this oaf the time of day. But if he thinks he's such a hotshot let him go out there and find out if it's the norm for women to embrace an angry man into their life and home. Smart women would run the proverbial mile.

Why does he think he can outsource the job of regulating his emotional responses to you? Is it because you're a woman? In which case this is blatant misogyny. Or is it because he is just so darn special himself and it's not about the sex of the other person - in which case he's just a narcissist.

Either way I think he is correct that the relationship won't work. The problem isn't you, it's him. He is only capable of a relationship with someone who has no self-respect and is willing to enslave their emotions to his. That ain't you.

Take him up on it when he says you’re not compatible and show him the door.
He sounds like a twat .

OP, show him this from me:

I used to have an anger problem. I have behaved aggressively, hit people, and broken things before. I have hurt myself, frightened people I love, and caused damage in ways that I still regret.

That is a lot worse than what your situation is like, but it shows two things;

a) aggressive behaviour lies on a continuum, and even swearing to yourself in an angry voice can feel threatening to other people, because it shows potential to extend to violence and destructiveness; and

b) it is also something that can go in the reverse direction and get better.

OP's husband; Whether or not you feel someone else "inflames" your mood by responding with similar aggression, it's YOUR responsibility to learn how to deal with your own anger.

You are right, anger can be useful, and it is normal emotion which you cannot be blamed for, but aggression on the other hand is a behaviour that you have a choice over.

OP; responding the same isn't helpful for either of you, but you are right, it's not your job to calm him.

Ironically, I had a problem with aggression because I was afraid! I would absorb too much stress, fear, or aggression from others, and try to hold it all in, then it would get too much and burst out uncontrollably.

Neither of you are completely wrong or right here, but it's about taking a different angle. Why are you angry? How can you respond better to that emotion?

First, separate the emotion from the behaviour. Anger is the feeling, abd nothing else; your choice of words, vocal tone, actions etc., are chosen behaviours.

Then, appreciate, respect, and most of all express the angry feelings. They are normal and okay. However, note that when and how you express your feelings is where the issue is here.

For instance, OP, your husband may have been feeling frustrated with the situation, frightened for his child, helpless about how it happened or how to help, or any other feelings such as these. Just like I imagine you would.

I still remember instantly breaking out in a sweat whenever my babies cried (although it was worst with the first one and got better as I got more experience), panicking about whether they were somehow going to break into little pieces if I did the wrong thing. My heart would pound, and I'd get a headache quite often.

Maybe you both felt similarly. It definitely sounds like a stressful situation.

But what might have helped was for dad to say "I'm really worried!" or "Can you help me do 'x/y/z'?" etc., and to ask mum to hold baby while you get a splash of cold water on your face and take some breaths, and vice versa with mum. Be expressive in a healthy way, as soon as the feelings come up, then respond to them as a team.

It's no good expecting someone else to help harness your feelings, they're yours, and neither is it helpful to scold someone for doing exactly the same as yourself.

You two must have some good things in common, those are the things that can give balance. Focus on those.

Hmm. On a slightly different note, he sounds very like my stbxh.

Stbxh felt perfectly entitled to express his anger and frustration whenever he felt like it with no regard at all for the effect it had on me and the dc. This meant that my emotions also became quite overwhelming; at the time I thought I was cross/frustrated as well, but looking back my feelings were mostly fear; fear of him, fear of the situation escalating out of control, fear of the effect on the dc.

I can't describe the utter relief now that he's gone; I feel so much less stressed! So, I guess what I'm saying is to watch out for the effect his behaviour is having on your mental health - it will not be doing you (or your dc) any good at all.

Nobody owns someone else’s emotions. That’s it really.

I don’t getcross over things like that myself but have zero tollerence of others over reacting. I wouldn’t consider pacifying him. I would firmly tell him to behave appropriately or leave

This.

Couple of times I had accident with 2 of our LOs, they were okay but I was really worry so we took them to A&E but I wasn't angry. My DH never got upset with me (despite he is very short tempered), infact, he was supportive and told me they will be fine.

Yes, there should be balance but his view of balance doesn't sound very balance/fair to me.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

so in the whole time you have been together he never considered this an issue, or that bringing a baby into the situation might make things more difficult? He may be feeling overwhelmed with the baby but making you responsible for his reaction is not going to help. It also means that he is not going to learn how to take a moment and calm himself down, which seems to be what is lacking. The people he describes as "less volitile" have just learnt to do this already and are probably going to be pretty unimpressed that he hasn't so good luck "finding someone else"!
Yes, this will come up again, I think he needs to learn to self-soothe before he either makes a mistake or makes everyone's life a misery (including his own).

To put it succinctly he saying 'I'm emotionally immature and I need my wife to pacify me like a mummy'

Is the baby okay?

The one who wears nappies.

that anger can be very useful in some crisis/situations

True, but almost never where babies are concerned.

This really has nothing to do with you and your reaction. He needs to modify his emotional response around the baby, because baby will pick up on it and the whole thing will be twice as bad.

He doesn't want to put in any effort to change, so is choosing to say that you need to calm him down in these situations. Which is very unfair.

Another one chipping in to say that your partner is being totally unreasonable - although in a way it's refreshing to hear a man come right out and actually SAY he expects his wife to manage his emotions for him.

Usually entitled, immature dickwads like this expect you to magically intuit how they are feeling and rush around soothing, working through and placating their feelings, but if called on it, will deny that they expect any such thing. It's so common in our society that women are expected to do the emotional labour that most people don't even realise it's happening.

So full marks to this manchild for actually stating outright "I can't control myself YOU DO IT FOR ME"

He's a misogynist.

He thinks your job as a woman, is to soothe and pacify him when he gets angry.

If you said to him "I want you to be responsible for calming me down and soothing me when I have a tantrum" he'd tell you to do one.

But that's what he expects you to do.

Because that's your job. You're his wife. That's what wives/ women are for (among other thing).

Isn't it funny (not in the funny hilarious sense) how many men still have these really deep-seated misogynistic feelings and sense of entitlement around the role of women in their lives?

Yearofremember - yes, she seems fine. A&E said just to give her fluids and an alkaline/soap wouldn't do harm, which I hope is true.

She had an irritated looking eye for a day which seems back to normal now as well.

Thanks for all your responses - it confirmed for me that his theory (which I believe, as I've never found him to be chauvinist or I couldn't be with him, was more along the lines of "two volatile people aren't a good combination/won't work" rather than that "a woman's job is to calm a man down" ... was nonetheless bullshit and unreasonable.

I told him there's one solitary person on this planet responsible for his reactions and behaviour and to look in the mirror. Also asked how would he like to be a little child in pain, not being able to see, distressed and having to listen to frustration & bad temper as well. He has not persisted with the opinion and has said he's v sorry about several things in that incident. I'll speak to him civilly about regulating his emotions/response to crises but there'll be zero tolerance of that sort of behaviour and we'll see how it goes.

I knew (I've been with him along time) that he can be highly strung and gets angry/frustrated in crises) but thought that he was fundamentally decent (and of course I'm v far from perfect myself). I suppose if this does not change/improve I'll be in a bind.

Incidentally I asked for opinions on a male dominated forum (tough there are women on there too) and so many people were, shall we say, more understanding i.e. saying that they get snappy & frustrated in a crisis too, that being calm in a crisis with a child is a learned skill that takes time, esp. for some men.

Not saying I agree with any of it, but it was interesting how much softer their line was inc. the women.

his response was that 'then we can not be in a relationship'
OK then, off you go!!

But I see you have kind of sorted it out for now.
I'm glad he's apologised.
he is a grown up and HE is responsible for his reactions.

Well done on not taking any shit.