Husband says I should 'balance' him when he gets angry during a crisis and that because I can't/wont we can't be in s relationship

[merville]

Will try not to write an essay;

My husband often seems to get angry/bad tempered/ frustrated during a crisis.

Today a minor crisis cropped bul when he was trying to change our extremely active 10 month old's nappy and she got a hold of some liquid soap and squirted it into her mouth and eye.

We were advised by go out of hrs to take hef to a&e as a precaution and did so but before we left I noticed him getting angry and frustrated (and verbalising it) trying to wash her eye area, bumping against something in our cluttered (moved house and with young baby things are disorganised etc etc. His communi cation with me wax also snappy/bad tempered.

I was in no mood to put up with it, had noticed it on previous occasions and decided that if he was going to be bad tempered with me (esp hang done nothing to merit it) he could see what if was like to have it back.

After the a&e visit, I raised the issue and this resulted in an extended row.

In one of the more articulate (!) Moments of the row, I said that it was not my job to pacify him during a crisis when I was already trying to deal/help with the crisis and his response was that 'then we can not be in a relationship'.

He expanded by saying that people have different reactions to crises and that that is his (not all of the time but some), that anger can be very useful in some crisis/situations and that should 'balance' things. Also that because I was saying I would not, we are not suited to a relationship, I'm too volatile, it's a bad combination etc

(I could but I don't feel I should have to).

He seems to think this is perfectly reasonable. He explained that he doesn't mean I should be viewed by his anger/temper these times (in a response to my incredulous question) but kept saying there needs to be balance. So presumably someone who doesn't respond to his anger of reciprocate it.

He thinks this is reasonable, I'd like to show him some people's pinions (though I have a feeling he'll say a group of women will naturally side with me) I'll still try.

What an ignorant, arrogant tool

Stepping back a bit, you have a small child and were in a stressful situation. How about both of you saying one thing you each could personally have done better to support the other parent in this situation? He should go first.

I found your post a bit confusing tbh and feel as if you are both struggling - that's normal.

Oh god no, he stopped having to be handled when he grew the fuck up.

Plsbemyturn

The issue I raised was that he gets angry/bad tempered/frustrated at moments of crisis/stress.

The soap squirt thing is just one of those things. She's been chewing absolutely everything but wasn't string enough to squeeze tubes etc, clearly she is now and all toiletries are going to have to be out of her reach. You can't take your eye off her.

He thought I blamed him for it but I didn't, I only got annoyed because I could see & hear him getting angry and frustrated and I don't think there's a place for that in trying to deal with a crisis. I wasn't in the mood to put up with it so I started being snappy and back tempered back.

Was he like this before you had DD?

You should see my child proofed house these days and I am a grandparent. When I know they are coming I go from room to room to check everything is safe. 9 month old was fascinated by the wire to my laptop today. You need to go through all your rooms preferably on your hands and knees and see what they see. Loose change is a favourite falls out of OH trousers when he disrobes. My coffee table is permanently pushed up against the fire surround. Lock on bathroom cupboard. Nothing in kitchen cupboards that they can yank out. Doing this will save a lot of stress and arguments.

Olenna, I had noticed him getting angry/panicky/bad tempered at times of stress before we had a child.

It always pissed me off but I'd never really taken such a stand before. Months of not normal sleep and the stresses of looking after a baby/toddler have put strain in our relationship. My mood is not great (PM's) but nonetheless I just felt like I wasn't going g to deal with that during crisis (esp as they crop up more with the baby).

My thinking was 'im trying to help here, and I can see and hear you being bad tempered and snappy, why should you have to be? We should I have to put up with it? We I'm tired and stressed too; how about I be snappy and bad tempered to you too and see how you like it?'

Welsh - yes it's time, past time in fact.

I think surestart might come out and advise, but I'll have a sweep over myself.

Annandale - no wonder you found my post confusing, apart from anything else I really should have proofread it for autocorrect and typos before posting, sorry!

What an ignorant, arrogant tool

No.
He is attempting to make you responsible for his emotions - his anger specifically.
His inability (refusal) to control his aggression.
He is scapegoating you OP.
This in principle, is in the same vein as "you made me do it by winding me up" - except here it is expressed as "you made me angry by not calming me down".
OP I'm sorry to say this - but this is an important warning sign, this is a red flag. He is telling you who he is, how he expects it to be and what he expects you to put up with.

If I've understood your post correctly he got angry but accused you of being volatile because you prioritised caring for the baby over calming his anger? If that's correct he is projecting his faults onto you.

Making you responsible for his behaviour and feelings is worrying too. I'd be tempted to show him the door as it seems he wants a mummy / carer, not a partner.

He's got a point, I think. I'm not suggesting that he's expressed it well, or that it should all come from you, at all, but if you both get shouty and stressed and uptight in stressful situations, then your relationship has a big problem. In any relationship, there will often be one person who 'does the DIY', one person who 'does the finances' one person who 'fixes up the children when they have an accident', one person who 'prepares for holidays', etc. Not necessarily 'the man' or 'the woman', just the one who can do that thing best.

In many relationships that are working, one partner gets stressed a bit more loudly, and displays that by talking/shouting/pacing/crying/whatever, and their partner is somewhat less dramatic, and 'balances' that by being calmer, less stressed, reassuring, etc.

If you're both volatile when you're stressed, that is a very hostile environment. But that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It means you need to reduce the stress levels.

My third child one morning when I put a hot cup of tea onto a magazine on the kitchen table pulled the magazine towards himself and the tea went over him. To say we had a traumatic time is an understatement. The ambulance people and the hospital were wonderful, I was lucky he did not need a skin graft. I threw him in the shower immediately whilst talking to the operator. So accidents happen even to experienced parents. Here is a check list, there are loads online.

www.babycenter.com/0_childproofing-checklist-before-your-baby-crawls_9446.bc

Tell him he is right. you deserve better.

I have noticed in arguments/crises in our marriage that there if usually only space for one person to have the catestrophic response/be upset etc. Then the other has to balance it out - so he is right in some ways in that. So most of the time we are both pretty rational/keep our sense of humour/work together but every now and then one of us will go a bit off the deep end "Oh my god, how did this happen etc" and then the other one soothes "don't worry it will be fine come on now"

In a normal relationship most of the time you are both rational, occasionally you switch off with each other Some things upset you more/some him. Occasionally one person gets more upset and the other says "get a fucking grip" and he/she does.

What he is saying to you is "I get to be the angry person in this relationship, including in all aspects of rearing our children. Your job is to make me feel better - as well as dealing with the crisis"

However bad it is now, it will be unbearable in the teen years.
He may well have a point - you are not well matched (he is unmatchable with anyone other than a doormat but he doesn't know that yet)

Yes my thinking is that, especially as we get older, we should have some self awareness and be able to alter our reaction/behaviour if it is negative.

That doesn't seem to feature in his thoughts at the moment.

It is quite clear that he thinks that's how he is, he can't (or shouldn't even have to)
change and that he needs to be in a relationship with someone who stays chilled, has no temper, is super calm etc even when he's angry & panicked; who is not 'volatile' as he puts it, he thinks two 'volatile' people can't work.

I thought this was unreasonable and v frustrating.

(By the way when he said that different people have different reactions to crises, anger being one of them and that it can be very useful in the right circumstances, I think he may be referring to an incident on holiday when bag snatchers stole my bag and while I reacted like a three tied sloth on dope, he chased the guy and aggressively regained my bag (no direct violence, he caught the back of the theifs bike and he fell off). But is that really anger? Also different situations require different responses.

Lougle - I don't get shouty/angry/volatile at times of crisis, my reaction is generally fairly calm and unless something practical needs done I get online/on the phone and find out what to do.

It was because I got pissed off at his behavour (not new behaviour) that I made a point t by being snappy and bad tempered back

Hmmm how often will he need to angrily chase a bike versus controlling his frustration with the baby though...

hells bells.. what am I reading?

So what he seems to be saying is, "I can't change my reaction to stressful events, so you will have to modify yours."

Gemini - not sure if it's the content or my longwindednesd combined with a hundred typos you mean; if it's the latter, apologised

Missed - yes bit since my reaction to crises is usually calm - in fact occasioy an under-reaction - I suppose he means "i can't change my reaction to stressful events, so you will have to modify your reaction to my reaction's.

Up until now I possibly have done the calming, pacifying, no reaction thing but with 10 months of sleep deprivation and baby stress, and me being older perhaps; today I was just 'im not having this, there's no need for this'.

It is quite clear that he thinks that's how he is, he can't (or shouldn't even have to)
change and that he needs to be in a relationship with someone who stays chilled, has no temper, is super calm etc even when he's angry & panicked

He is being outrageously unreasonable. Gob smackingly audacious. He can fuck right off.

Kei - when I think about it he's very interested in sports psychology and this 'anger/aggression can be very useful' is related to that or perhaps sportspeople benefit from anger/aggression under stress & pressure sometimes.

But this isn't sport, and imo most scenarios do not benefit from anger/temper at all.

Entitled fuckwittery at its finest on display here. Tell him that he may be correct that you would be better off by being in a relationship with an adult who takes responsibility for their actions.

How long before he expects your DD to ‘handle’ —take responsibility— for his poor behaviour. How long do you think it would take before the exposure to this level of entitled fuckwittery, would result in her choosing someone with equally messed up beliefs?

Put the ball firmly back in his court and let him know that you will not pander to his poor behaviour and you will not teach your DD to do the same. If he wants to stay in a relationship with you then hopefully this low point will be a catalyst for him to sort his shit out. Your generous offer is time sensitive.