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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says I should 'balance' him when he gets angry during a crisis and that because I can't/wont we can't be in s relationship

93 replies

merville · 28/07/2018 22:19

Will try not to write an essay;

My husband often seems to get angry/bad tempered/ frustrated during a crisis.

Today a minor crisis cropped bul when he was trying to change our extremely active 10 month old's nappy and she got a hold of some liquid soap and squirted it into her mouth and eye.

We were advised by go out of hrs to take hef to a&e as a precaution and did so but before we left I noticed him getting angry and frustrated (and verbalising it) trying to wash her eye area, bumping against something in our cluttered (moved house and with young baby things are disorganised etc etc. His communi cation with me wax also snappy/bad tempered.

I was in no mood to put up with it, had noticed it on previous occasions and decided that if he was going to be bad tempered with me (esp hang done nothing to merit it) he could see what if was like to have it back.

After the a&e visit, I raised the issue and this resulted in an extended row.

In one of the more articulate (!) Moments of the row, I said that it was not my job to pacify him during a crisis when I was already trying to deal/help with the crisis and his response was that 'then we can not be in a relationship'.

He expanded by saying that people have different reactions to crises and that that is his (not all of the time but some), that anger can be very useful in some crisis/situations and that should 'balance' things. Also that because I was saying I would not, we are not suited to a relationship, I'm too volatile, it's a bad combination etc

(I could but I don't feel I should have to).

He seems to think this is perfectly reasonable. He explained that he doesn't mean I should be viewed by his anger/temper these times (in a response to my incredulous question) but kept saying there needs to be balance. So presumably someone who doesn't respond to his anger of reciprocate it.

He thinks this is reasonable, I'd like to show him some people's pinions (though I have a feeling he'll say a group of women will naturally side with me) I'll still try.

OP posts:

Original poster

merville · 28/07/2018 22:20

Sorry I failed completely at not writing an essay

OP posts:

KeiTeNgeNge · 28/07/2018 22:23

Tell him to fuck right off. He is adult and it is his job to regulate his emotions.

PositivelyPERF · 28/07/2018 22:24

We a complete dick head! I actually laughed, reading that! So he expects you to look after a baby’s needs and a man child, at the same time. Tell him to either grow the fuck up, act like an adult or fuck off.

Original poster

merville · 28/07/2018 22:24

Sorry lots of autocorrect.

That should read ' he doesn't think I mean be cowed by his anger/temper these times, but kept saying there needs to be balance.

OP posts:

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 22:24

Well I’d have said there is the door then - bye.

So basically you have to pacify him in case you inflame his anger and aggression anymore?

Was he being angry when he was wiping baby’s eye ?

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:27

Lmao. What an idiot.

Original poster

merville · 28/07/2018 22:28

FFS I can't seem to write a coherent sentence on this phone - ' he doesn't mean I should by cowed by his anger at these times, but kept saying there needs to be balance's.

OP posts:

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:29

And also what an idiot for threatening to split up / implying it over this. That's extremely passive aggressive and you should throw him out if he does it again.

GeorgeIII · 28/07/2018 22:29

I read that as you have to be meek when he is angry. Why? Why can’t you be angry when you feel like it same as he does? Oh sorry I forgot that he’s a man and calls the shots.

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:29

Well if there needs to be a balance why aren't you allowed to go mental with him pacifying you? Why do you have to be the nice one?

ijustwannadance · 28/07/2018 22:29

He's a gobshite. He thinks it's your job to control HIS emotions? 😂😂😂

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 28/07/2018 22:30

WOW!

I can only guess he grew up as "mummy's little prince" in order to have this outrageous sense of entitlement!

Plsbemyturn · 28/07/2018 22:30

What issue did you raise with him? Did you get upset with him because the child got hold of the soap?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2018 22:32

I would not bother showing him your thread; he won't want to read the replies or at all listen. And you need a safe outlet.

Why are you and he together exactly if he is talking such crap about your relationship?. It sounds like he is projecting his own stuff onto you; it is HE who is the one who is not suited to a relationship due to his own volatility.

GeorgeIII · 28/07/2018 22:32

My DH does this btw, it demonstrates a total lack of empathy and a total lack of consideration for your feelings, his feelings trump yours. Is that ok with you in the long term?

welshmist · 28/07/2018 22:32

Pompous ass, is one of the kinder descriptions I would say of him.

FrozenMargarita17 · 28/07/2018 22:33

Off you fuck then, mate! Would be my reply.

Pywife2 · 28/07/2018 22:37

One thing he's right about, there's no future in this relationship. You have too much sense to put up with his aggression. He's making you responsible for his angry behaviour, this is a real red flag. Beware of accepting his definition of events, if he feels his angry behaviour is acceptable and that your role is to take responsibility for it, things can only get worse. If you don't accept it, he says there's no future, but if you do, what comes next?

picklemepopcorn · 28/07/2018 22:38

I don't read it like that at all. Possibly wrongly. I always try to calm the people I am with, and would expect them to return the favour. I see groups of people who clan together and wind each other up, which just intensifies everything.
Sometimes people need a bit of support to regulate their emotions. He may be aware that he does better with someone who can help like that.

picklemepopcorn · 28/07/2018 22:39

Would he help you if you were panicking in a scary situation?

Original poster

merville · 28/07/2018 22:39

I said I thought it was bullshit, but he genuine thinks that it's a personality conflict and he'd be find with someone not 'volatile'.

He says i should not have raised it after a&e, that I always keep on about things and while, no doubt about it, I am inclined to not let things go; I raised it because I was pissed off, and really thought it wax time to draw a line in the sand on this subject given that there are increasing small crises with our almost walking, extremely active, inquisitive bub; and something will crop up again ( it feels like I'm fielding 10 potential accidents a day with her at the moment).

OP posts:

Labradoodliedoodoo · 28/07/2018 22:41

So why does he get to choose his response to an emergency and also then dictate your response to an emergency? He’s in control of himself but isn’t entitled to control someone else. He could choose to react differently but maybe his self reflection skills are poor?

My DH sometimes getscross and I do challenge him. I tell him to grow up and calm down

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:44

I said I thought it was bullshit, but he genuine thinks that it's a personality conflict and he'd be find with someone not 'volatile

Lol somebody that laid back isn't going to want to deal with an emotional freak. He's deluded.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 28/07/2018 22:45

I don’t getcross over things like that myself but have zero tollerence of others over reacting. I wouldn’t consider pacifying him. I would firmly tell him to behave appropriately or leave

fizzthecat1 · 28/07/2018 22:45

I don't read it like that at all. Possibly wrongly. I always try to calm the people I am with, and would expect them to return the favour

Yes but they were having an emergency with THEIR child. It's her child too!!! She has just as much right to be stressed she shouldn't have to calm him down. I'm guessing you're a man, who thinks like OP's husband.

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