Is he 'needy' or am I running scared?

[ChaffyMcChaff]

Hi, I'm prepared to be told 'it's me' so please be honest so I can try to see this objectively!

For background, and it could be relevant, I've been divorced for 16 years and single ever since. I've had dates but nothing more than that. I'm in my 40s.

I met a guy a few weeks ago, who is separated and has not yet started divorce proceedings. He has been separated for 12 months. His ex still lives in their marital home, he lives in a flat, they have no children. I have adult children and grandchildren and we are all very close. (Not wanting to drip feed so giving this information)

First few dates, goes well...lots of fun and lots to chat about. Since then he's been racking up the texts, always wanting to chat on the phone, SO many superlatives to describe me...think 'baby', 'hun' (which I detest btw!), 'darling', 'gorgeous' and many, many more. I'm just not that demonstrative and can't do likewise (I don't think I could be like this in a long time committed relationship, never mind one of just a few weeks!).

The texts are usually followed by soppy/romantic memes to tell me he misses me, is thinking about me etc. Again, I've never followed suit. There is a definite mismatch in our communication style if nothing else! I would pick-up on this very quickly if it was me, and change my style...he hasn't picked up on this at all. It feels suffocating to me. I don't want to chat on the phone 3 times a day, or send/reply to many, many text messages.

I don't have the energy or time for this...at the end of a busy day I am fit for nothing but binge watching You, Me, Her! Or sleeping! He works only around 5 hours a day...own business... sometimes less. I work 12 hour days and am knackered by the time I'm finished!

He gets upset (puppy dog upset, not angry upset) if I say I'm not available to chat, and if I'm going out with friends, will ask me to ring him when I get home...regardless what time this might be...I just don't want to do this (so don't, but then get 'I'm worried about you, have you got home safely? Are you ok?' messages!)

Is it me? Am I so far out of touch with dating that I've just forgotten how to do it...is this how dating is done now?

He’s being far too intense and does sound very needy.

I’m sure he’s a nice person but he’s annoying you already and you’re not compatible. Communication is the most important thing of all! If he’s bugging you now then end it.

I'd lose respect for him only working five hours a day, for one thing. If he makes money on those five hours, why not work eight hours and make more? And why hasn't he sorted out the house/flat thing with his ex, yet?

But above everything, being called 'hun' would be the limit for me.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert. He is a nice guy...but as you say, already annoying me. Which makes me wonder if it IS me...why would a 'Nice guy' annoy me ? I feel so bad 😩

Haha...hun is THE WORST isn't it??

Sounds like he's really not for you. You don't even have to find justification for walking away, if that's what you want to do.

It’s not you! You want someone who enjoys your company and respects that already have a full life that you’re not going to give up to answer an unnecessary text. I’m sure he’s out there and this chump isn’t it.

I think you are being loved bombed

He's way too needy. I never could deal with guys like that.

Hills. That way >>>>>>>>>

This would drive me bonkers. Also men like this tend to go off you as quickly as they “fell” for you.

He sounds like he has been out of the game for too long and thinks this is What Women Want. I suspect too that he hates being single and any woman would do as long someone fills the woman shaped space beside him.

I think it’s a bit OTT. But even if it was normal, it’s too much for you, and that’s fine to feel that way. It’s also a bit odd that he’s not adjusting his communication to line up with yours.

Its not you, its him.

I also think you are and have been love bombed here by him. Think also he is looking for someone, anyone female actually, to look after him and you will currently do.

Time to end this now as well as raising your own boundaries here.

Thank you all for your replies...I haven't heard of 'love bombing' but I shall google to see if anything resonates. I don't know why I'm finding this so hard...I guess it's because I'm so very out of practise at this! I'm going to talk to him and see if he will back off a bit (lot!!). If he doesn't or just can't see my point, I will find those hills and start climbing, fast!

I appreciate all of your input, thank you xx

He will not back off, might work for 48 hours. Hills >>>>>>>>

Oh my goodness...I'm being love bombed 😰 Just looked this up and it's all ringing true (no expensive presents, but everything else about it!)

I'm an idiot!!! 😢😢

You’re not an idiot! You’re being overwhelmed by a man you barely know who’s more interested in taking over your life than growing to be a part of it.

Better to realise it now and make the break.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert...you're very kind and I'm really grateful for your support xx

OP.. I've had this a few times, it's suffocating isn't it. I almost felt in a trap as felt I had to reply to be 'nice'.. it's the start of controlling behaviour in my opinion. Definitely run! Did you meet him online?
He won't change, he's isn't emotionally intelligent enough to adjust and I doubt he's giving it a second thought. It's very unattractive and needy.

@Tictactic yes I did meet him online. It is very suffocating, but I wondered whether I was being paranoid or just 'out of touch' with modern dating etiquette. I haven't dated for years.

Just now via text:

Him: finished work for the day, will call you in 5 mins (lots of love emojis)

Me: I'm in Tesco.

Him: can you talk? (Emoji emoji emoji!!)

Me: no, I'm in Tesco!

Him: where is your nearest Tesco? Xxxxxxxx

Me: huh??

Him: Which Tesco do you shop in? (Love hearts!)

Me: why do you need to know? I'm literally not interested in where you shop! Why would you want to know this?

Him: I just like knowing more about you (emoji-ville!

Me: weird question! I'm not prepared to text back and forth whilst I'm shopping...it's a busy Saturday afternoon, people have to keep dodging round me!!

Him: ok sweetie, I'll call when you get home...message me when you're home...please!!!

I’m drained just reading about him

He does sound very clingy. It sounds like your instincts are right, this isn't something you have to put up with. Onwards and upwards xx

Oh. Just read your latest post. That's a bit stalker-ish , he sounds controlling!

Lol, he was going to track you down at Tesco’s. I have to wonder did his marriage end from his neediness !!!

I'm beginning to wonder that too! 😩

Wow that's crazy! Definitely move on.