Is he 'needy' or am I running scared?

[ChaffyMcChaff]

Hi, I'm prepared to be told 'it's me' so please be honest so I can try to see this objectively!

For background, and it could be relevant, I've been divorced for 16 years and single ever since. I've had dates but nothing more than that. I'm in my 40s.

I met a guy a few weeks ago, who is separated and has not yet started divorce proceedings. He has been separated for 12 months. His ex still lives in their marital home, he lives in a flat, they have no children. I have adult children and grandchildren and we are all very close. (Not wanting to drip feed so giving this information)

First few dates, goes well...lots of fun and lots to chat about. Since then he's been racking up the texts, always wanting to chat on the phone, SO many superlatives to describe me...think 'baby', 'hun' (which I detest btw!), 'darling', 'gorgeous' and many, many more. I'm just not that demonstrative and can't do likewise (I don't think I could be like this in a long time committed relationship, never mind one of just a few weeks!).

The texts are usually followed by soppy/romantic memes to tell me he misses me, is thinking about me etc. Again, I've never followed suit. There is a definite mismatch in our communication style if nothing else! I would pick-up on this very quickly if it was me, and change my style...he hasn't picked up on this at all. It feels suffocating to me. I don't want to chat on the phone 3 times a day, or send/reply to many, many text messages.

I don't have the energy or time for this...at the end of a busy day I am fit for nothing but binge watching You, Me, Her! Or sleeping! He works only around 5 hours a day...own business... sometimes less. I work 12 hour days and am knackered by the time I'm finished!

He gets upset (puppy dog upset, not angry upset) if I say I'm not available to chat, and if I'm going out with friends, will ask me to ring him when I get home...regardless what time this might be...I just don't want to do this (so don't, but then get 'I'm worried about you, have you got home safely? Are you ok?' messages!)

Is it me? Am I so far out of touch with dating that I've just forgotten how to do it...is this how dating is done now?

Definitely not the one for you.
You are not obliged to spend any more time on dating or this 'relationship'

Would you really miss him if you didn't see him again?

It doesn't sound like it, so I would end it this weekend/today.

Just think, you could have the whole of next weekend with out thinking 'ugh' every time your phone pings a message...

Yes way too much.

Btw I could cope with hun but sweetie is awful.

@Coolhotsummer I hate any kind of superlative to describe me...so yeah, sweetie is 😖 for me too!

Another vote for running here!

I'm picking up from that text exchange that he was ready to ambush you at Tesco as you clearly weren't keen to speak to him right then. This, in my experience, will only escalate.

In your position, I would use the (inevitable) phone conversation later today to say that, while you've enjoyed getting to know him, you don't feel that you make a good match so best to move on and not waste each other's time. Good luck with his search and so on.

When he follows up by text (and he will...), be firm and say you are ending things and please so not contact you again. Maybe I'm being alarmist here, I certainly hope I am, but these clingy types don't always go quietly.

Well I rang him! Told him I was unnerved by his behaviour (had to break it down for him because, as PP said, he 'didn't get it'). I've broken it off...and feel so relieved! I'm absolutely sure he will keep messaging/calling, as he promised 'he wasn't like that' and when I 'got to know him better' I would see that 😩. I stuck to my guns though...the Tesco thing was the final nail for me...I told him it was stalkery behaviour and actually scared me a bit. He didn't get that either...said it was just him being curious. Nobody is that curious about which supermarkets you shop in, surely???

I'm actually a bit shaky now after the call...but at least I stayed firm.

Oh...and THANK YOU MN for talking me through this...I needed the support today xx

Oh god. Sounds awful.

I agree with the pp who said men so intense so quick go off just as quick. I had similar with a guy I met online. Big long messages telling me every detail of his life and he went off me just as quick! Well done for getting shot!

Go you OP, well done for staying strong and not talking yourself out of your gut reaction!!

Is there something awesome you can do the rest of the weekend so that you'll be both distracted form watching for any unwanted texts or calls and unavailable to answer them?

Woohoo!
Well done you!!!
Do you have someone irl you can tell?
Just in case he gets too full on with texts etc?

well done chatty! I really feel for you. It's awful. but you've done the decent thing and told him.. others would just block. Does he know where you live? if he continues to follow up please block.. otherwise you go round in circles. Now relax and recover
I'm not so sure its reflective of modern dating.. not all are like this but I've come across it a few times online. What really matters is it doesn't work for you regardless. it may work for some women at first until they slowly realise they are in a controlling relationship, have financial ties and children and it's more difficult to get out. So give yourself a pat on the back. A lot of us here saw red flags from your description.. urghh

Yes @Tictactic he does know where I live. But he also knows that my son is a police officer so hopefully that's enough to put him off calling round! I'm a bit embarrassed telling rl friends, but will tell my son (mortifying discussion that will be!!) so that he knows, and can tell me how to deal with it legally if it becomes an issue.

I do feel like a prized idiot though...even if logically I know I'm not.

As someone said upthread, onwards and upwards!

@SisterCage I've just arranged to go out with my best friend. She knows 'about' him, in that he exists, but not this part. I might pluck up the courage to tell her 😰

chatty., definitely get this out in the open with your friend.. don't do it alone. Please please don't get sucked back in. You've done nothing wrong.. you have it a go, it didn't work, you were honest.. now your time to recover

@ChaffyMcChaff I had one like this (same age too) You’ve done the right thing. Mine was an utter control freak lunatic, constantly threatening suicide if things didn’t go his way, texting me constantly to the point my grown up kids, neither of who live with me noticed and generally wanting to know absolutely everything about anything I was doing. (Oh and eventually stole my credit cards and put me in debt) Don’t have him back!!

Big sigh of relief that you have broken things off with him. He's a love-bombing control freak - you are well rid. If he texts again, ignore, ignore, ignore. He'll soon hook up with someone else, someone who might enjoy being called hun and sweetie and stalked round Tesco.

I was going to say I had similar and he ended up being very controlling and manipulative and then I saw the 'lovebombing' comments, didn't realize that was a thing but it's exactly what I experienced with him.

Shame, but good you've spotted it now before you got sucked in!

@Emmageddon that made me laugh...I'm guessing there actually are women who would enjoy this type of suffocating attention 😩

No need to be embarrassed when you tell your friend.
More like "Well I thought he was Ok, but god, turned out we are not that well suited and he was a bit of a nightmare haha"

You’ve done exactly the right thing OP. Onwards and upwards!

I’m glad you’ve seen it for what it is op. What is it with guys like this?!

I’ve just “ended” it, not that it even began with a guy exactly like this. Darling this, babe that always saying what he thought I wanted to hear. “I miss you” after one date. I got the whole spiel “I like strong independent women” texting multiple times in the evening wanting to know what I’m doing and who with, next minute he’s throwing a paddy because I made plans the weekend without him. Bleurgh!

Please do tell your friend OP! You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about - HE is the one who's behaviour is out of order.

Everybody is right in that this behaviour is all him; you did nothing to invite it. In fact. you clearly signalled your discomfort with the relentless demand for check-ins, pet names etc and he was too dense to pick up on it!

I hope you have a great weekend and that he gets the message!

AArgh, whose, NOT who's!

Well done OP. Now stop beating yourself up. Just tick it off as a lesson learned and remember to trust your gut next time something doesn't feel right.

if I'm going out with friends, will ask me to ring him when I get home...regardless what time this might be..

God, this would put me right off! Very controlling.

And as for the flowery name-calling as well as the Tesco texting.

Just no!

@thousandpapercranes have we been dating the same man?? This is exactly the same scenario! I wonder if there is some secret, massively ill-informed, 'Modern Dating Guide' that guys are reading these days!

I appreciate everyone's confidence in me today, it's been really supportive. MN at its very best. Thank you!!!