Is he 'needy' or am I running scared?

[ChaffyMcChaff]

Hi, I'm prepared to be told 'it's me' so please be honest so I can try to see this objectively!

For background, and it could be relevant, I've been divorced for 16 years and single ever since. I've had dates but nothing more than that. I'm in my 40s.

I met a guy a few weeks ago, who is separated and has not yet started divorce proceedings. He has been separated for 12 months. His ex still lives in their marital home, he lives in a flat, they have no children. I have adult children and grandchildren and we are all very close. (Not wanting to drip feed so giving this information)

First few dates, goes well...lots of fun and lots to chat about. Since then he's been racking up the texts, always wanting to chat on the phone, SO many superlatives to describe me...think 'baby', 'hun' (which I detest btw!), 'darling', 'gorgeous' and many, many more. I'm just not that demonstrative and can't do likewise (I don't think I could be like this in a long time committed relationship, never mind one of just a few weeks!).

The texts are usually followed by soppy/romantic memes to tell me he misses me, is thinking about me etc. Again, I've never followed suit. There is a definite mismatch in our communication style if nothing else! I would pick-up on this very quickly if it was me, and change my style...he hasn't picked up on this at all. It feels suffocating to me. I don't want to chat on the phone 3 times a day, or send/reply to many, many text messages.

I don't have the energy or time for this...at the end of a busy day I am fit for nothing but binge watching You, Me, Her! Or sleeping! He works only around 5 hours a day...own business... sometimes less. I work 12 hour days and am knackered by the time I'm finished!

He gets upset (puppy dog upset, not angry upset) if I say I'm not available to chat, and if I'm going out with friends, will ask me to ring him when I get home...regardless what time this might be...I just don't want to do this (so don't, but then get 'I'm worried about you, have you got home safely? Are you ok?' messages!)

Is it me? Am I so far out of touch with dating that I've just forgotten how to do it...is this how dating is done now?

Haha at 'Tesco Texting'. This could become a catchphrase 😂😂

A few years ago it was all about the negging, women didn't fall for that either so the fashion's changed. At some point they will be advised just to talk to women like they're people.

I'll hold on for that stage in their evolution then!

Ok, but in the meantime, make yourself comfortable. It could be a while.

Most guys are nice. Until they are not. Once they are done with the love bombing and start with the controlling you tend to see the red flags you either ignored or dismissed because they were so "nice." I'm still learning on this one but have gone too far and am now overly suspicious of nice. Not saying most guys aren't nice btw.

Just read your updates. Well done for ditching him. I'm not convinced they all know they are live bombing and figure they just like the chase far too much and have no control button on their own behaviour. The tesco thing was really weird. Well rid there OP.

When he asked which Tesco I imagined him turning up outside it!

I had one like that, I think it was third date, he texted me, I was shopping and told him, he said get me some Colgate. I didn't. When I saw him he asked where it was. I said I had assumed he was joking and why the fuck would I buy his toothpaste after just a couple of dates. He got all sulky saying well he needed some and as I was shopping.......yeah, he got dumped too.

@Chaffy maybe we should compare notes? Another massive red flag, he’d just come out of
a 2/3 month long relationship with someone who he’d already moved in with and had already planned to start ttc with. Apparently she was the crazy ex. Lucky escape for her I think.

Maybe he was going to call customer services at Tesco and ask them a favour:

“Customer announcement. Could Sweetie please call her DP ASAP. He’s reeeeally missing you, Hun”

freetoagoodhome
Arf!

@freetoagoodhome that made me properly laugh!! I'd have died of embarrassment if that had happened 😂😂

@thousandpapercranes a very lucky escape for you both I think! TTC after just a few months??? 😱

Tbh I would have stayed away from this one simply because he is still married and living with his wife. The divorce hasn't even started yet.

I think you and he are just two very different people.
You could try telling him to be less intense because he makes you feel hemmed in - that might work. On the other hand he might not like it. Tough!

If this really bugs you better to part. You'll find someone else with whom you are more compatible and so will he.

@vangoghsdog. omg what is it with these men! it makes me cringe.
My recent OLD asked what was for tea.. I had 2 dates with him. I replied with laughing emoji and ignored but then he continually did this and also asked what present he would get from my holiday.
No thank you. Far too over familiar and crossing boundaries.
OP.. is he leaving you alone?

He isn't living with his wife @AynRandTheObjectivist. The wife is in their marital home (which is rented...he isn't on the rental agreement anymore). He lives in a flat (again, rented) in a different county...over 200 miles away from his ex.

However, I didn't know he was still married until last week! It was a random post on his Facebook page that gave that little gem away! I then asked about it and he came clean 😩 saying they were 'in the process'. But it turns out that was a lie too 🤬😱🤬

@Tictactic had a few pleading messages but I've ignored. Hoping he'll get the message soon and just leave me be.

Oh sorry, I misread that. But I would still run a mile for all those other reasons!

And just block him so you don't see the messages.

Have now blocked...after three more texts 😩. I didn't bother reading, just got rid. Xx

Good God.

@chaffy.. massive well done for blocking.!! now go and live the rest of your life

urghhh pleading messages.. do tell!

@Tictactic 'I'm not like that sweetie whatever you think. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.'

Next : 'I'm deadly serious about us hun you're my world. I'd never do anything to hurt you or us'.

And more in that vein. I didn't read the last 3 so don't know what else...probably more of the same.

😩

Stop. My skin is crawling.