DH wanting to smoke weed when I’m pregnant. AIBU?

[toseethelights]

NC for this.

I’m 31 weeks with twins. Babies are likely to be delivered next week due to problems with baby two. He/she much smaller than baby one and placenta bloodflow is almost absent. I’ve been having to attend hospital every other day for monitoring and suffice to say it’s been horrendously stressful. In addition to that we only relocated from London to North (I’m from here, but lived in London for eight years) last month. I wanted to be nearer my parents for help with babies, our London flat wasn’t suitable for twins and we could get a better standard of accommodation up here.

DH is an on/off smoker. He also smokes weed, although has gone through periods of not touching it. I would have the occasional joint, but obviously nothing since becoming pregnant. A few months ago he got back into the habit of smoking it before coming to bed. I wasn’t thrilled, but let him get on with it tbh. However since we found out about second babies problem I put my foot down a few nights ago and said no more. I don’t want it in my house and I’m not willing to compromise.

Last night we had a massive row about it. He says that I make all the decisions for us, he has no power, no say in anything and nobody to talk too. He’s acting as if I’m being personally mean towards him rather than just doing what it best for our vulnerable babies. I ended up in tears and he slept downstairs.

This is the last weekend before our babies come. I’m feeling unwell (it’s been a hard pregnancy) and all he cares about it wanting to smoke, I’ve told him that if he is that addicted then he needs to go and get help to sort himself out. I am so disappointed in his behaviour atm. AIBU in my stance?

I should add he only smokes outside after I’ve gone to bed, but I still don’t feel that it is OK.

do not attempt to raise children with a weed smoker

The short answer to your question is nope. He is being an irresponsible, selfish dick. I hate weed, hate it. Good luck with the birth of your twins and take care of yourself.

It's illegal at the end of the day, so surely he can't be in the right.

Does he have so much, or is it so strong that he can't function the next day? I'd think about like whisky rather than weed, your dp having a small measure before bed is probably OK but not half a bottle does this make sense.

Whatever the broader issues with decision making within your relationship I think you are not being unreasonable about the weed right now. He is probably really stressed too, but he is a grown up and prospective father and needs to support you through this really scary time, not compromise his capabilities by getting stoned. All the very best with the birth and babies, op 💐

My ex was like this . Sorry but in my experience he just got sneaky carried on. I told him to leave .

I would simply say you or the weed.

What is your concern with him smoking weed? Why was it OK before you discovered this issue, but not after?

Sounds like you're both understandably stressed by the whole situation.

How do you know this hasn't CAUSED the second baby's problems? i have my suspicions about some of the difficulties faced by some of the children of weed smokers that I know, I have noticed a far higher incidence of ADHD, for example, and I know there is some documented evidence that weed in pregnancy or smoked around a young child may contribute to the liklihood of the child developing this, and possible other neurological problems too. And it may be affecting you passively, even if he smokes outside it will still be on his skin and clothes and being exhaled when he comes back in

He only has the one drwitch and he functions perfectly fine.

I’m just currently sick of being surrounded by weed smokers. My dad smokes it too! I worry I’m being a hypocrite because as I say I’m not averse to it myself in the right circumstances. However now is not the appropriate time and I can’t get over fact DH is not just agreeing with me at such a difficult time.

He really struggles to sleep at night and I think it’s been helping him. Tbh I’ve been that caught up in pregnancy, moving etc that I think I’ve failed to spot it’s become such an issue.

I’m just so disappointed in him right now.

Modern cannabis is extremely strong compared to the weed that was around in the hippy 60’s. It can induce paranoid psychosis in heavy users. I think you need to ask your DH what is more important to him - the weed, or his wife and unborn twins.
Quite apart from the drug use, you need to have a discussion about the dynamics of your relationship. He sounds whiny and resentful, and you need to address where this is coming from. Who makes the decisions in your house - do you discuss things or do you tell him what to do. Was he happy to move away from London to your parents’ area, for example, or was he dragged along reluctantly.
I’d be a bit concerned about his lack of maturity, and wondering what sort of father he will be, especially as twin newborns are extra stressful.

@Clairetree1 do you have links to this evidence?

Clairetree I really do doubt that it’s caused the babies issues, but I hear what you’re saying.

WaitedforGodot I’m concerned about the potential effects on our babies. I was before we found out about the issues with baby two, but didn’t address it as strongly as I should. Now I’m just not having it anymore!

As far as I’m concerned it shouldn’t even be an issue for DH. He should just agree with me. The fact he hasn’t had really shocked me. His behaviour last night was so hurtful.

Tell him to leave then. I’m serious.

Spent five years with a weed smoker and he never gave up.

My best friends dh has promised for 11 years to give it up. He has just been caught drug driving and lost his licence

You baby will stink of it.

Babdoc I don’t tell him what to do. He’s saying I do, but I honestly don’t. It was a joint decision to move. In fact he was keener than me as I love London and he hates it there! I suppose I am the driving force in the relationship, but tbh that’s because he always defaults to me. He waits for me to make all the decisions and then I’m accused of giving him no autonomy. He’s so laid back that nothing would get done without me pushing. I’d be thrilled to not have to be responsible for so much!

He is being really whiny and resentful and I haven’t got the resources to baby him right now.

My babies won’t stink of anything. Nobody willl be smoking anything around them.

I told him last night he’s welcome to leave and sod off back to him family. I mean it as well.

I'm interested in your source Claire?

I wouldn't tolerate this. He's highly likely to develop (or exacerbate any existing) mental health problems and you and your babies will be living with a moody, paranoid drug user. I used to work in mental health and about 90% of the psychotic patients we treated were weed smokers. No way I'd bring children into that relationship. SIDS risk is increased when a parent smokes, even if they smoke outside. He must smell vile. Imagine him picking up the babies in the night and transferring his rank week stench onto them. Ultimatum time I think. Sorry to be harsh and not wanting to scare you but I have no patience with weed use due to what I've seen especially after my friend's husband committed suicide leaving her widowed and her two year old without a dad.

Just read your update. Definitely leave him. He will only get worse. Men usually start their abuse in pregnancy and I see red flags here even without the weed issue. I wish I'd left my then fiancé as he first hit me when pregnant with DD1. Instead I went on to suffer 6 more years of abuse before he left for an OW and I applied for a divorce. He's still emotionally and financially abusive now.

PerverseConverse He only smokes one small joint a night and it’s not very strong weed. I’ve tried it myself and it’s got very little kick. It’s certainly not the head mashing sort of stuff that’s around a lot these days.

However I am concerned that he’s using it to deal with sleep problems etc, rather than seeking help from his GP. To be fair he’s been to his GP before about his sleep problem and been fobbed off. He really needs to try again though.

I’ve told him he’s welcome to leave if smoking it is that vital to his happiness and I mean it. I’m not defending him at all. He’s acting like a total prick.

The weed is probably causing his sleep issues as he'll be psychologically dependent. One small joint or not, it's unacceptable in my eyes. How do you know the stuff he uses now as the same strength as you tried before you were pregnant? It could be totally different.

It’s the same weed. We got it from a friend and DH has been making it last as long as possible.

You are absolutely right to ask him to stop smoking. When you're parents, you put the DCs first. In my experience, the dad's don't seem to think they need to sacrifice their vices or time the same way the mum does, not trying to generalise though as I recognise not everyone is the same.
Good luck, I hope he makes the right decision and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your starting to minimise it yourself now op

100% you will be back on in six months saying he is now smoking a few joints a night because the twins are stressing him out.

My best mate is the same - she really wants him to quit. But fundamentally she doesn’t think it’s that bad and that’s why she isn’t as forceful as she should be. His paranoia and aggression are nothing to do with smoking it

One lot of weed has lasted 6/7 months Yeah, ok.