DH wanting to smoke weed when I’m pregnant. AIBU?

[toseethelights]

NC for this.

I’m 31 weeks with twins. Babies are likely to be delivered next week due to problems with baby two. He/she much smaller than baby one and placenta bloodflow is almost absent. I’ve been having to attend hospital every other day for monitoring and suffice to say it’s been horrendously stressful. In addition to that we only relocated from London to North (I’m from here, but lived in London for eight years) last month. I wanted to be nearer my parents for help with babies, our London flat wasn’t suitable for twins and we could get a better standard of accommodation up here.

DH is an on/off smoker. He also smokes weed, although has gone through periods of not touching it. I would have the occasional joint, but obviously nothing since becoming pregnant. A few months ago he got back into the habit of smoking it before coming to bed. I wasn’t thrilled, but let him get on with it tbh. However since we found out about second babies problem I put my foot down a few nights ago and said no more. I don’t want it in my house and I’m not willing to compromise.

Last night we had a massive row about it. He says that I make all the decisions for us, he has no power, no say in anything and nobody to talk too. He’s acting as if I’m being personally mean towards him rather than just doing what it best for our vulnerable babies. I ended up in tears and he slept downstairs.

This is the last weekend before our babies come. I’m feeling unwell (it’s been a hard pregnancy) and all he cares about it wanting to smoke, I’ve told him that if he is that addicted then he needs to go and get help to sort himself out. I am so disappointed in his behaviour atm. AIBU in my stance?

If he smokes it once you've gone to bed, can you ask him to jump in the shower and brush his teeth before he climbs in bed with you? then he won't smell of it & he'll still have the benefits without stopping altogether?

my OH smoked it alot for over a decade, not everyone who smokes weed is part of a massive stereotype. he has his shit together, holds down a good job and has been there a long time, he does more than his share of the house work and always has done.

he always says if you've got your shit together why not enjoy it once everything's done! he doesn't smoke it anymore as he's on a health kick, however I had no issues with him doing it before.

He could just make brownies but weed is a crutch a big one that usually masks something worse.

I’m not minimising. He won’t be smoking it again in this house. If he wants to smoke weed he can leave.

I’m merely stating the fact that he smokes one joint a night and that it’s pretty mild stuff he smokes.

He’s neither paranoid nor especially aggressive. He is however being childish and acting in a manner that is disappointing me terribly. I’m certainly not defending him. His behaviour is totally out of order.

I wouldn’t be happy having kids with with someone who smokes weed , I’m sure all the cool folk will tell you it’s fine and acceptable these days but to me casual drug use around my kids would be a big no . How can you rely on him to look after kids on his nights to feed them or change them if he’s stoned .

He's hardly going to CHOOSE to leave is he??

He's not "especially aggressive" So he IS aggressive but you don't think it's too bad. Jeez OP, is this what you want your babies exposed to: drugs and abusive behaviour?

Coconutty I’m not willing I do that. The way I see it is that once the babies are here I will not be tolerating weed smoking around them, so he may as well start practicing now. If he really can’t give it up then that is going to be a serious problem and he had deeper issues than I’d realised,

As I’ve said I smoke it myself sometimes (not now obviously) the difference is that I can take it or leave it. I suppose I thought DH was just the same and it’s very alarming that it would appear that he’s not. I’ve judged him by my own standards and I clearly shouldn’t have.

His low motivation and crap decision making are typical of every weed smoker I know. It’s crap timing for you, just when you need to be a team.

I would go in two pronged - I’m worried and upset that this has become a daily thing for you and I think its affecting your personality and drive; and what I want is a partner who is with me as a parent raising twins and puts me and them first. Weed for (non child responsible) high days and holidays only, or you want out.

whatever your feelings about weed, if youve been ok with it up till now, and then all of a sudden put your foot down, then it looks controlling to me, in the same way that if one partner dictated to the other that they were all of a sudden going to have to become teetotal when they had previously only had a glass of wine at night.
Weed is defacto legal or completely legal in so many places now and it is probably soon going to be legalised here too. If it is actually only outside and before bed to help him sleep, then I think you are being unreasonable, especially if there is also a vague or real threat that he might lose his babies if he doesnt comply to your brand new rule

ichifanny I’ve already made it clear to him that there will be zero drug use once these babies are here. He won’t be looking after them stoned because he won’t be smoking around them.

He’s not aggressive PerverseConverse no more so than I can be during an argument. I’ve never said at any point that he indulges in abusive behaviour?

I also think a reassessment of the company that you keep is needed. You've tolerated this for far too long also because of your own occasional use. You have also applied your own standards to him, his though are far different to yours as you are further discovering. You do not need a whiny mouthed weed smoker to prop up and otherwise enable.

Your dad smokes weed as well, do you want him around your children?. How will you know that he has not used cannabis before he turns up wanting to see and to otherwise hold your children?.

Branleuse Ive made it clear to him already that there will be no weed smoking once these babies are here. I’ve brought it forward because of the health issues with babies.

I’m not having anyone around my babies who isn’t fully functioning, if that makes me controlling then I’m controlling.

I think youre throwing your weight around now youve got the upper hand. If you didnt want to be with an occasional weed smoker, then dont get in a relationship with one, let alone be ok with it till youve got your babies and then issue an ultimatum _ ESPECIALLY since you occasionally partake too. . Hes already said that he feels powerless in the relationship and that you make decisions for him. You talk about him as though he IS a child

how would he be fully functioning when hes asleep anyway. He only smokes it before bed?

Toseethelghts I think you are doing the right thing if he’s not addicted itbshpuldnt be too hard for him to put aside for the sake of his babies.
What is defacto legal really ? , it’s illegal still and mood altering and not the same as drinking a glass of wine at all . Even then if a
Partner was getting pissed every night when I had new babies I wouldn’t feel happy with that anyway .

Babies especially twins tend to wake up during the night branleuse

Attila I’m not having this turned into a conversation where I’m told to also go no contact with my parents. My parents just renovated an entire house up here for us to move into, they are taking me to the hospital every other day. What my dad does in his own home is up to him. What my DH does in our home is different.

He needs to leave. The babies come first. He is behaving like a selfish man child.

I’m talking about him like a child because he’s acting like one.

Ugh, this thread is pointless. I can see exactly how it’s going to go. Think I’ll bow out now.

Its not one rule for your dad and another for your H here. And why are your parents also taking you to the hospital rather than your own husband here?.

I have never suggested that you go no contact with either parent, I have stated that your dad smokes weed too because you have mentioned that fact. What rules of yours are going to be applied to him when he turns up wanting to hold your babies?.

A total reassessment of the overall company that you keep would be in order given that you seem surrounded by weed smokers. And that is not good for you or your babies for that matter.

I’d talk to someone like they were a child too if they were doing that while I was heavily pregnant OP stick to your guns , but yes you will get loss of folk on here who normalise weed use .

Lots

i spent many years where the only way i could sleep was with a little bit of weed before bed. It was the only thing that didnt give me a hangover in the morning and allowed me to function, unlike sleeping pills or alcohol. Without it I would regularly sleep only every third night. It broke me. that little smoke in the evening before bed and discovering this changed my life. Id even go so far as to say it saved my life.

Defacto legal means that it is officially illegal, but nobody gets arrested for it, which is pretty much how it works in most parts of the UK. It is not seen as an issue for personal private use, and they would be more likely to concentrate on dealers

He’s being selfish & clearly using weed to cope with the multiple stresses of the pregnancy & house move. He is at risk of growing dependency on weed as a crutch to carry him through parenting & marriage issues, so will probably require counselling of some sort to help him find other coping mechanisms to deal with stress.
He is, however, at extremely low risk of becoming psychotic in any way (despite the hysterical postings here) and his smoking outside is NOT and has NOT affected the developing babies in any way, and any suggestion it may have is irresponsible and mean, and I personally condemn these ill-founded and gratuitous comments linking the two.
Also, I strongly disagree you should just kick him out at a when you are just about to give birth and are under a lot of stress yourself and finding it hard to make decisions. That would just made a bad situation far, far worse. Some people rush to the exit hatch or escape route at the first sign of a major conflict in their relationship, which is absurd and makes a mockery of any relationship or marriage vows, whcih requires compromise and creatively in the face of conflict and adversity. Try to have an open, honest, constructive conversation about his weed smoking without being accussative or aggressive, and see where the dialogue leads.

IF it's one late at night smoked outside, and he can still get up, go to work, earn, do his bit etc. then I think YABU – he's not leaving used hypodermics in the cot and stealing from old ladies to 'get his fix.' The MN reaction to weed his hilariously over the top – it caused the unborn's condition? The kids will stink of weed even if he smokes outside? Someone smoking it causes ADHD and neurological problems in infants? Really? It's fine to have your personal opinion on the subject but don't make up bullshit claims that you can't substantiate – that's just nuts and not helpful. Link to evidence if you can find it.

Weed is becoming legal all over the world and people from all walks of life use it, if there was anything to back up the medical claims made in this thread then we'd know about it. According to MN we would be stumbling over the dead bodies piled up in the street that smoking a spliff leads to. As a former smoker yourself you probably know that's not what happens.

Raising twins on your own is hard but if you're ready for that then LTB, but in my opinion – based on what you've said – you sound a bit dramatic.

If he’s having one outside, coming in, stripping, clothes in the washer, shower, clean teeth...then I think that’s ok. If he’s coming in stinking then getting in bed next to you while heavily pregnant then it’s not ok.