DH wanting to smoke weed when I’m pregnant. AIBU?

[toseethelights]

NC for this.

I’m 31 weeks with twins. Babies are likely to be delivered next week due to problems with baby two. He/she much smaller than baby one and placenta bloodflow is almost absent. I’ve been having to attend hospital every other day for monitoring and suffice to say it’s been horrendously stressful. In addition to that we only relocated from London to North (I’m from here, but lived in London for eight years) last month. I wanted to be nearer my parents for help with babies, our London flat wasn’t suitable for twins and we could get a better standard of accommodation up here.

DH is an on/off smoker. He also smokes weed, although has gone through periods of not touching it. I would have the occasional joint, but obviously nothing since becoming pregnant. A few months ago he got back into the habit of smoking it before coming to bed. I wasn’t thrilled, but let him get on with it tbh. However since we found out about second babies problem I put my foot down a few nights ago and said no more. I don’t want it in my house and I’m not willing to compromise.

Last night we had a massive row about it. He says that I make all the decisions for us, he has no power, no say in anything and nobody to talk too. He’s acting as if I’m being personally mean towards him rather than just doing what it best for our vulnerable babies. I ended up in tears and he slept downstairs.

This is the last weekend before our babies come. I’m feeling unwell (it’s been a hard pregnancy) and all he cares about it wanting to smoke, I’ve told him that if he is that addicted then he needs to go and get help to sort himself out. I am so disappointed in his behaviour atm. AIBU in my stance?

What I find disrespectful is you clearly have a higher risk pregnancy and its twins to early labour is more likely. What happens if you go into Labour and he's stoned off his face!

My second worry would be once the babies are here its not reasonable for one person to be able to handle all the nights feeds you are going to be jointly sleep deprived, there's already the risk of falling asleep holding the baby without adding weed to the mix.

Congratulations on your pregnancy you seem a really strong person and I wish you the best over the next few months and I'm glad you made the decision to move closer to your family.

In regards to your do, is there anyone else who could speak to him in a general 'stepping up' way as I dont think he has a clue.

The goal posts have bee moved but it wasn't the OP who did it.
At this stage of the pregnancy with the added stresses I don't think it is unreasonable to want him sober in case of emergency.
But that'd apply to alcohol too.

For clarity I smoke weed.

LouHotel
The babies are coming early. I’ll be having them via section next week. Consultant won’t let me go past 32 weeks due to the placenta issue.

I do consider myself quite a strong person. Sadly this usually results in everyone just expecting me to get on with it. I’ve never been more terrified than I am right now, and I feel like nobody gives a shit to be frank,

I won’t be leaving my DH. In a weeks time I will have two premature babies who will be in NICU for weeks and weeks. I’m not Wonder Woman, despite what people may think. I can’t do it all on my own.

Oh and parents are taking us to hospital because neither of us drive. DH is currently getting lessons, but I’ve been too ill this pregnancy to get any.

@TheQueef He barely drinks for what it’s worth. I’m a bigger drinker than he is (although not at the minute obviously)

My parents have said a few times they’ll speak to him, but they never do. I’m not sure it’s really their place anyway tbh. I suppose I could speak to my MIL, but they don’t have a brilliant relationship and she’s quite emotionally manipulative towards him.

OP

You are perfectly entitled to want to stop smoking weed, I know you have already, but the point is you are allowed to stop - stopping doesn’t make you a hypocrite it makes you a person who has made a decision to stop! And you are perfectly entitled to ask the father of your children to stop too.

I think stern words are needed.
I'm not as hard line and ltb as some.

Things are about to get very stressful and busy.
He's about to get preemies he's gonna be giving up a few things.
He needs to grow up, quick.

I don't have a massive issue with weed but getting high and dealing with newborn babies just don't mix.

FWIW I used to smoke it daily (in the evening) then quit when I was pregnant, then briefly started again when my child was 18 months old and sleeping through.

I quit because I found it was no fun waking from a deep sleep if he woke in the night and needed me, or if he was ill. I just felt extremely anxious all of the time and thought, what is the point of this?

I only had a small joint every night, massively watered down, just to relax. It ended up having completely the opposite effect. I haven't had any in three years now and don't miss it at all.

When you throw small babies into the equation, it really does lose is appeal. You will be so sleep deprived in the early days, he certainly won't need weed as a sleep aid. However you may find he uses it as a crutch to deal with the massive stress that comes with having a newborn (or two in your case!) and that's where you will get into trouble.

I would just say to him that at this point in his life, he needs to shelve the weed for a while because he's going to need to be on his A game. That's not to say he can't ever have it again, but it needs to be reserved for special occasions only whilst your Children are so young.

I vape/have edibles now and again, and am a fan of psychedelics. Doesnt make me a safeguarding issue for kids im my care. Because I'm sober.

I wouldnt dream of trying to look after a child after more thank one drink, or under the influence of any drugs (except caffeine). Assuming your DP isnt smoking blunts then we also know that children of smokers are at higher risk of respiratory conditions and more frequent infections; regardless of whether the parents(s) smoke inside or out. It might be the same if he is smoking blunts but the data is from tobacco smoke.

So YANBU to ask he quits smoking at home (even outside), unless youre also insisting hes not allowed to smoke socially away from home when not in charge of the kids. He will soon have 2dc to care for who he needs to be alert for during the night, etc.

All his gp would do is prescribe him sleeping tablets. They knock you out into a dead sleep and leave a heavy headed groginess the next morning. Highly addictive. Personally, I would think that is far worse than a weak joint just before bed. I don't smoke weed, but know which I would prefer if I had insomnia.

He probably feels very helpless at the moment. All decisions are being made by doctors and you are doing all the pregnancy work. He is on the sidelines probably feeling useless and worried. As worried as you are. Rather than demand he stops, talk to him about your concerns and listen to his reasoning. At the moment it sounds like you said stop, he said no, and you're both digging your heels in. Look at alternates for helping with his sleep. Magnesium is fabulous in the long term. Lots of herbal sleep remedies work short term and don't grog you out the next day.
At such a stressful time, communication is more important than ever. Have you discussed his fears? Spoken about yours?

I agree with pp that I think some of the posts on here are very ott.

I don’t see the difference between having a weakish joint and a cigarette with a drink.

All smoking around babies is bad. But if he’s having one outside at the end of the day, washing hands and throwing his clothes in the wash then the risk is minuscule.

I also think that you married someone who smoked, it’s a bit unfair to suddenly demand that he stops when he’s doing it pretty responsibly.

Has he discussed sleeping with GP before? Does he know why he cant sleep?

I was referred to a psychologist (insomnia associated with anxiety and depression, pretty generic I imagine) and they gave me a lot of really good advice and tips. I agree that it isnt so different from having a drink- but having a drink, or smoking, are still both not long term solutions to the issue.

One of my friends smokes every night to help sleep, and it works, but they are using it as a lazy short cut because they still do everything they shouldnt be in terms of sleep (using their phone late, drinking caffeine after lunch, gym late at night, that sort of thing).

Some of the posts on here are completely ridiculous.

I would talk to him OP. A massive issue I have noticed is that once they become pregnant, women immediately curb their behaviour to protect the baby. Men don't have to do that, although I certainly wished DH did (for example, stop/cut back on drinking).

What really mattered, for me, was the support. When I became really heavily pregnant, was DH supportive? When I was exhausted, on bedrest, recovering from birth and concentrating on BF, did he pick up the slack? Yes, yes and yes. So because of all of that, I don't begrudge him his little vices as long as they never compromised the care that our children received. And they never have, because he is a good man.

I think we live in a mad MAD society where having a drink at night to help you sleep is perfectly acceptable but having some mild weed isn't.

But my god, the sheer idiotic, moronic hysteria and ignorance shown by some posters on here is really something. How is it that the Daily Mail/other tabloid of choice has somehow become the education of the masses?

OP, it isn't the weed that is the problem, it is that you feel disrespected. You need to explain exactly why you have put your foot down (and I am not sure myself to be frank and I have read your posts carefully, so I can sympathise that he feels that you are being arbitrary) and explain that his smoking weed makes you feel that he doesn't care about your babies or whatever the reason is.

You CAN talk about this together, so don't let yourself be boxed into a corner that you didn't really want to be in at all. The best advice I was ever given was to pick my battles. If you want more support and reassurance then ASK for more support and reassurance. Tell him you are feeling afraid and that you are trapped by your 'coping' persona when you don't feel it. Open up to him so that he can step up and help you.

Don't set a random bar and tell yourself that if it is reached then that means you are supported. That is just your stress talking and you will never feel it is enough. Does that make sense?

But my god, the sheer idiotic, moronic hysteria and ignorance shown by some posters on here is really something.

It's a shame the 'pro weed' can't be argued without insulting people