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Original poster

DH wanting to smoke weed when I’m pregnant. AIBU?

89 replies

toseethelights · 28/07/2018 08:13

NC for this.

I’m 31 weeks with twins. Babies are likely to be delivered next week due to problems with baby two. He/she much smaller than baby one and placenta bloodflow is almost absent. I’ve been having to attend hospital every other day for monitoring and suffice to say it’s been horrendously stressful. In addition to that we only relocated from London to North (I’m from here, but lived in London for eight years) last month. I wanted to be nearer my parents for help with babies, our London flat wasn’t suitable for twins and we could get a better standard of accommodation up here.

DH is an on/off smoker. He also smokes weed, although has gone through periods of not touching it. I would have the occasional joint, but obviously nothing since becoming pregnant. A few months ago he got back into the habit of smoking it before coming to bed. I wasn’t thrilled, but let him get on with it tbh. However since we found out about second babies problem I put my foot down a few nights ago and said no more. I don’t want it in my house and I’m not willing to compromise.

Last night we had a massive row about it. He says that I make all the decisions for us, he has no power, no say in anything and nobody to talk too. He’s acting as if I’m being personally mean towards him rather than just doing what it best for our vulnerable babies. I ended up in tears and he slept downstairs.

This is the last weekend before our babies come. I’m feeling unwell (it’s been a hard pregnancy) and all he cares about it wanting to smoke, I’ve told him that if he is that addicted then he needs to go and get help to sort himself out. I am so disappointed in his behaviour atm. AIBU in my stance?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 09:47

How is he acting like a child? By not immediately bowing to your every demand?
Hes hardly jacking up smack

shooglewoogle · 28/07/2018 09:53

I wouldn't tolerate this. However the is an adult and can make his own choices. I can't help but feel that if you don't want your children to have a father that smokes weed, don't get pregnant to a man that smokes weed. Where that leaves you now OP is I an a bit of a situation, because even if you end the relationship and raise the twins alone, their father will still be the same man.

Banterlope · 28/07/2018 10:01

Why does smoking weed make you a bad person? Stoned people can be boring but it doesn't usually make them reckless, violent and aggressive. I would much rather be married to someone who smokes a bit of weed than an alcoholic.

SomeUsername · 28/07/2018 10:02

I had to double check I wasn't reading the daily mail here - the sheer amount of misinformation and conjecture displayed on this thread is shocking.

Would anyone here have an issue if their partner was drinking half a glass of wine or beer in the garden at night to unwind?

A couple of tokes (or does he vape?) of mild weed in the garden, at the end of the day, should not be a reason to break up a fledgling family especially if there are no other issues with the relationship.

I'm sure I'll be bombarded by the moral right, stating the illegality of weed is enough to destroy a family. I'm also sure those same people have left their partners when they crept slightly above the speed limit, when they dropped litter or have parked on pavements - because you know, illegal.

But weed seems a special case. Yes some people have problems with substances, if it wasn't weed it would be something else, but in the OP's posts, this doesn't seem to be the case. It seems OP's partner is using weed to help him sleep - blazing rows won't solve such an issue, but asking the partner to go to the GP to get help would.

Also, exploring why your partner feels he has no power in the relationship is necessary. Is his stance on this valid? Even if not, if that's how he feels, it's an issue to him and it needs to be explored rationally.

jaynelovesagathachristie · 28/07/2018 10:05

I agree with pp that said think of it like a whiskey b4 bed. My oh used to be a big weed smoker when at uni all his housemates were. As soon as he had custody of his kid he stopped overnight. Did the same with smoking literally overnight god knows how. But when he did I'd notice the increase when stressed sounds like you oh is using it as a sleep and stress aide. Perhaps acknowledge that to him how difficult it's been for you both but that the idea of weed atm for you is stress inducing

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 10:13

Attila: And why are your parents also taking you to the hospital rather than your own husband here?

Presumably her husband is at work and her parents have retired.

firsttimemother1244 · 28/07/2018 10:14

In my opinion, you are being a unreasonable and also hypocritical. You got with someone knowing full well they may smoke cannabis at certain times in your relationship and as well you have smoked it yourself. IMO if you didn’t like the drug then you shouldn’t have got pregnant with his kids or smoked it yourself, whether it was occasional or not.

I understand why you DP is saying you make all the decisions, because as soon as this thread wasn’t agreeing with you, you left. It seems as if, if it’s not on your terms you are not happy. Which again IMO is just childish. You both created these babies, let him have a say too.

As long as he is not smoking it around you while pregnant and not smoking it around the babies when born and it’s causing no problems, (you not liking it suddenly is not his problem, it’s yours) then he should be free to smoke it.

Dommina · 28/07/2018 10:19

I often have a small joint before bed. Not every day, probsbly 3-4 times a week. It is the only thing I have found that sends me in to a deep sleep, and I feel so comfortable and rested in the mornings. My clothes do not stink, I have a professional job, I can hold it down.

I'm sorry but I feel for your Dhabi don't see the problem. Youve said yourself there's no issues with his personality change and it doesn't stink. How is it worse than a small glass of wine before bed?

I can understand if you'd said 'just while the baby is tiny', but if someone demaded me to quit for ever I wouldnt be happy.

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 10:29

I worry I’m being a hypocrite because as I say I’m not averse to it myself

I’m 31 weeks with twins. Babies are likely to be delivered next week due to problems with baby two

He really struggles to sleep at night and I think it’s been helping him

He only smokes one small joint a night and it’s not very strong weed

He’s neither paranoid nor especially aggressive

most of mumsnet - "OMG leave the bastard"

Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 10:29

well, the chances are this is a "fledgling family" with absolutely no hope or future what so ever, so it isn't a case of the OP breaking up the family because of the weed smoking, it is more a case of her choosing to leave at her own time in her own way, rather than live through the disintegration that is almost inevitable.

Starlighter · 28/07/2018 10:30

You are very close to your due date now and along with the other issues, what if he needed to drive you to hospital? Would he drug drive? What if the midwives smelled it on him?

I’d be concerned too OP. He sounds addicted if he can’t give up for his pregnant DP.

And that suggests he won’t be able to give up when the babies are here either . You’re going to need his support with twins, he needs to step up!

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 10:33

some of you people have blatantly never lived with insomnia or anxiety.

I can assure you, if the doctor gave him temazepam, diazepam or zopiclone it has far more serious health risks

shooglewoogle · 28/07/2018 10:34

Interesting you say if there are no other issues. This would be my issue.

I would absolutely separate from my DH if he started to take drugs. There is nothing 'daily mail' about it, I am 100% against drugs and would not knowingly put my children in a position where one of their parents took drugs.

Iwantaunicorn · 28/07/2018 10:35

toseethelights I get it, and I really don’t think YABU. You’re pregnant with twins (most likely already past the size of a full term Singleton), it’s a complicated pregnancy, you’re worried, and the person you’re needing to rely on isn’t stepping up and instead is acting like an arsehole. It’s not really difficult is it?! Stop smoking weed! He knows it upsets you, and frankly he should be doing everything he can to make it easier for you, not harder. How you get him to see that though I don’t know, other than talk, and talk some more, and try to come up with a compromise you can both live with.

I wish you luck with your babies, and a speedy delivery!

Banterlope · 28/07/2018 10:38

Clairetree1 your agenda-driven conjecture is not helping, you don't know the OP so why are you wildly projecting? 'Absolutely no hope or future … disintegration that is almost inevitable' – how do you know this? It's clear that you don't like cannabis but your comments are extremely OTT.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/07/2018 10:40

I don't get why you would get pregnant by a man who uses illegal drugs or why you would move closer to your parents when one of them too takes the same substance but then I see you're not adverse to the use of it so little wonder.

It's quite a distinct smell so hopefully one of the professionals at the birth or after will recognise it and put safeguarding procedures in place for the babies.

TheQueef · 28/07/2018 10:42

Shurrup Boxsets you spoon. Safeguarding.

Banterlope · 28/07/2018 10:44

Proper LOL at Boxsets, thanks for that

Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 10:47

Clairetree1 your agenda-driven conjecture is not helping

what agenda would I have?

'Absolutely no hope or future … disintegration that is almost inevitable' – how do you know this?

because I've witnessed it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and I can't possibly count the number of children I have seen damaged, and the number of families I have seen destroyed, and yet when I say so, I am accused of "having an agenda"!

like if I tell people not to picnic in the lion enclosure at Longleat, is that because I "have an agenda" too!

TheQueef · 28/07/2018 10:53

Do you have any sources for the claims though Claire or is it all based on the many many experiences you have personally had?

Banterlope · 28/07/2018 10:57

So entirely anecdotal then Clairetree1? If I could name one family that wasn't 'destroyed' by smoking cannabis would that disprove your theory?

And comparing picnicking with lions to someone smoking a joint is just silly.

SomeUsername · 28/07/2018 11:17

I'm assuming you're in the UK here.

Yesterday, it was reported that cannabis products are to be legalised for medicinal use. If we look at the history of legalisation of cannabis for recreational use, medicinal legalisation was the first step. See America and Canada.

Give it a couple of parliamentary terms, and we will see cannabis legalised for recreational use over here. If it was legal, would you still have a problem and class it as a drug?

As with anything, what does or does not constitute a "drug" is a complicated issue. In the UK, prior to 1928, cannabis was legal to buy and consume. Its reclassification was more due to international pressure from the US as part of an ongoing rally against minorities in their country. It's interesting to see that the US is now in the vanguard of those making it legal for recreational use.

The issue of drugs is emotive but the reality is much more nuanced and complicated.

shooglewoogle · 28/07/2018 11:20

some

It's not a legality issue. I don't agree with drugs. They can legalise whatever they like, I still wouldn't want the father of my children to use drugs. And that is 100% my choice. Just as I wouldn't choose a life partner who chose not to work or not to be an equal I also wouldn't choose one who took drugs.

SomeUsername · 28/07/2018 11:32

Thanks for the rational reply Shoogle - and I respect each holds their own view on such matters.

My point, in a roundabout way, is that if it wasn't for international pressure, cannabis would not ever have been criminalised and would still be on sale in shops as it previously was i.e. it would never have been considered a drug.

Disregarding legality, my take on it is that anything which causes physiological change in the body is, by definition, a drug. That includes caffeine, sugar, alcohol, pain killers etc. My concern is more about severity of negative affects to the individual and society from the use of any of these substances.

Either-way, this is going totally off topic, so I'll stop now :).

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 11:40

OP smokes it herself if she feels like it, but im sure thats completely different.
Its not a new thing. He hasnt just all of a sudden become a drug addict.
This is a family. These are his children. If someone doesnt sleep, then they are in a worse state to look after children, than having a few tokes and being able to rest.
Can you guys not see what you are saying. Youre trying to encourage a woman about to give birth to twins any day to leave a man who is doing something really mild to help him sleep, and at no other time.

This is blatantly a hormonal reaction.
Its exactly the same as somebody threatening to take away somebodies kids because they decided he shouldnt take anxiety medication anymore

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