Dad beat mum up and I'm not sure what to do

[LS112]

Just looking for some advice. Sorry for the length.

A month ago my parents had been drinking and got into a fight. I'm not sure of the exact circumstances and I don't really care because I make a point of staying out of their arguments.

What I do know is my mum was left with a broken nose, which he did with a glass bottle, a burst lip, burns on her skin from where he stubbed a cigarette out on her, and bruises all over which made it hard for her to move for a few days. He also strangled her, spat in her face and verbally abused her.

My dad has no injuries. My mum said she just tried to defend herself the whole time and he overpowered her. Regardless of whether or not that's true, there's no excuse for inflicting those injuries on your wife (or anybody!) and I'm disgusted by my dad's actions.

I'm the only person my mother has told and she's made me swear not to tell anyone, even my partner. She's lied to everyone else about how she got her injuries.

And this is where I need advice... It's been a month now and I haven't spoken to my dad at all since before it happened. I just don't know what to say and I hate confrontation, but I don't want to act like everything is fine and like I'm not horrified by what he's done. I don't want to carry on like nothing has happened or let him think his behaviour is acceptable, but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either. He's made no attempt to contact me either. My mum says he's avoiding me because he 'thinks I hate him'. I don't see my family much because I don't live that close, but on the 2 occasions I've visited, he's faked illness so he wouldn't have to see me.

My parents are trying to patch things up between them, and in a few days they will be visiting me. I have no idea how to act around him, or what to say about it, if anything. I don't want to make things more difficult, but I don't know how I can just play happy families knowing what he did. Any advice?

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid regardless of how awkward it might make things I would have to confront him when I saw him and make my feelings clear. The cigarette burns make me feel sick.

This is a horrible situation you have been put in. I understand you don’t want to go against your mums wishes but you can’t continue a normal relationship with your dad after this. You at least need to have a conversation about it.

Your mum is a significant risk of being killed by your father. Strangulation is a key indicator. Two women every week are murdered by their partners/husbands. You need to encourage her to contact the Women's Aid helpline who will support her to leave him. He has committed GBH and should be punished for his crimes although i'm sure your mum wont want to make a statement. Read all you can about domestic abuse and encourage your mum to leave your father. If he was my father I would go NC with him and have nothing to do with him after you have helped your mother to leave. Can you offer her a safe space?

He would never cross my threshold again

My support would be for my mother and I would be dping everything in my power to persuade her to press assault charges

Next time it is very likely he will kill her

Strangulation is a major flag for escalating to murder and the calculated and deliberate cigarette burns point to him being a dangerous psychopath

I expect he says he make a mistake but this is not an accident. He will do it again.

That's an untenable situation for you.
I would definitely tell him he's not welcome at your house and I'd be encouraging your mum to report him to the police and /or to leave him. The next time she could end up dead.
If your mum persists in defending him then I'm unsure what you can do, very sad.

I know I couldn’t knowingly be in the same room as such a vile abuser. I’d also stop all contact.
I guess it’s your call though. Life isn’t always as black and white particularly when it comes down to family members behaving badly. I’d be concerned that your father may take his annoyance out on your mother if you stopped him visiting. However I don’t know how you could carry on acting as if nothing had happened.
I hope you’ve given your mother advise re women’s aid for when she’s ready

t I don't want to lose my relationship with him either

He strangled a woman. He broke her nose with a glass bottle. He BURNED HER WITH cigarettes. And this is your mother

Honestly, if you want to have a chat and make up with him. there is something seriously wrong with you.

Drunken fights do happen but stubbing cigarettes is forced abuse/torture.

Your mum is at risk and defo vulnerable to more assault and potential death - time to either take action with her or cut out contact with him and a firm warning your aware what he did and police will be informed.

Your mum needs support from woman's aid, police or whoever can get her out.

Good luck and I'm sure people will come along with better advice but keep safe.

OP that wasnt a drunken fight that got out of hand he could have killed her (and very well could)

You need to say no to him coming and try to get her out

Why do you want any relationship with this man - other than, perhaps, on the other side of a table in a prison visiting room? He will go further next time they have a row, and he's highly likely to kill your mother. Please encourage her to get out at the earliest possible opportunity.

Everyone so far is right - he is an abusive, violent man who will potentially kill your mother. If I introduced someone to you at a party in that way, would you want to have a relationship with him?

But clearly there's a lot of backstory here and you are equally enmeshed in their dynamic. Us all telling you to not let him into your home won't persuade you, I think. I think you need to talk to someone like Woman's Aid to get a different perspective on this and to change your own behaviours to protect yourself and your mother. I'm sorry this has happened to your family.

He sounds evil, Stubbing out a cigarette on her is sadistic
I agree with pp there is a high chance he will kill her, Do your best to get her away from him.

God what a horrible situation for you to be in! I honestly wouldn't be able to stand being anyway near my dad again if he did that to my mum.This was a vicious and sustained assault and, it's easier said than done I know, but I would be telling him never to darken my doorstep again,and I would be encouraging my mum to leave and/or report him to the police.

I think your mum needs to be supported to leave this violent man. I wouldn't worry too much about your relationship with your dad. Hasn't he sacrificed that by doing what he did to your mum. He could be arrested for this. Do you think she'd like to escape?

I wouldn't have him in my house.

Your mother is in a very dangerous position - next time what will he do to her?

Call women's aid and tell them the story.

Also, despite your promise to your mother, I think you should tell your partner (presuming your relationship is good and isn't a mirror of your parents). If you were my partner and you were contemplating letting a violent dangerous man like this visit our home without warning me, I would be very very upset. I think you owe it to your partner to tell him what is going on here.

I imagine your family dynamic is toxic and secretive so you will find it hard to see what is normal/not normal.

Your Mum is still with him? In the same house? WTF???? Get her away from him.

Does this “man” have access to your children? I fucking hope not.

You need to tell your partner so that they can decide whether or not to be around your dad.

Do you have children?

Your mum needs support in leaving him before she gets killed.

You should be encouraging your Mum to leave him. And as others have said he wouldn't be crossing the threshold of my house ever again. He is pathetic and spineless to hide from you. I would be sending him a message letting him know in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome in my house. I would also not lie for your mother and be honest about where her injuries came from, especially to your partner.

Your partner NEEDS to know. One day he might be all that stands between your or your kids and this abuser.

Seriously, OP. Wake up to this. This is toxic and dangerous.

I would be reporting it to the police. Asking my mum to come visit me herself and spend the time building her confidence to leave him.
If he is genuinely sorry, he can face his punishment with the police and be honest.

How you could love and want a relationship with a man who could do that to your mum I just can’t fathom. Fuck the fact he’s your dad he tried to kill your mum by strangling her! Help her to leave him and cut him out of your lives he’s a fucking monster.

This won’t have been the first time, although it may be the first time with this level of injury. I’d like to think if this happened to my mum, I would do it whatever I could to support her leaving him-including offer of housing, calling women’s aid with her, emotional support. Your response seems out of line with what I feel and other posters, but it’s hard to know why. Perhaps you could call women’s aid or a domestic violence line to get a professional opinion?

This isn’t something that should stay a secret. You’re doing HIM a favour

That wasn't a brief surge of anger, that was a sustained brutal attack.

They cannot patch up their relationship.

Will you still want a relationship with him if he kills her? How will you feel if you do nothing now and next time it is worse?