Dad beat mum up and I'm not sure what to do

[LS112]

Just looking for some advice. Sorry for the length.

A month ago my parents had been drinking and got into a fight. I'm not sure of the exact circumstances and I don't really care because I make a point of staying out of their arguments.

What I do know is my mum was left with a broken nose, which he did with a glass bottle, a burst lip, burns on her skin from where he stubbed a cigarette out on her, and bruises all over which made it hard for her to move for a few days. He also strangled her, spat in her face and verbally abused her.

My dad has no injuries. My mum said she just tried to defend herself the whole time and he overpowered her. Regardless of whether or not that's true, there's no excuse for inflicting those injuries on your wife (or anybody!) and I'm disgusted by my dad's actions.

I'm the only person my mother has told and she's made me swear not to tell anyone, even my partner. She's lied to everyone else about how she got her injuries.

And this is where I need advice... It's been a month now and I haven't spoken to my dad at all since before it happened. I just don't know what to say and I hate confrontation, but I don't want to act like everything is fine and like I'm not horrified by what he's done. I don't want to carry on like nothing has happened or let him think his behaviour is acceptable, but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either. He's made no attempt to contact me either. My mum says he's avoiding me because he 'thinks I hate him'. I don't see my family much because I don't live that close, but on the 2 occasions I've visited, he's faked illness so he wouldn't have to see me.

My parents are trying to patch things up between them, and in a few days they will be visiting me. I have no idea how to act around him, or what to say about it, if anything. I don't want to make things more difficult, but I don't know how I can just play happy families knowing what he did. Any advice?

Your father should be in jail.
Is violent agression common in their marriage?

This is a horrendous situation for you OP. But if I knew my Dad had done that I'd like to think I would report him to the police. He also wouldn't hear from me again unless it was through a Solicitor.

I'm sorry father or not I'd have a big bloke waiting for him, see how he likes it.
You need to confront him for your mums sake, how would you feel if he killed her, which it sounds like he could.
I'd report him and press charges, give your mum encouragement and support to leave him, could she live with you until she as on her feet.

This comes to mind:

‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing’

Oh my goodness, that made my blood run cold. Your poor Mum.

But she's an adult, and she's the only person who can decide if she stays or leaves, you can't put that stress or responsibility on yourself. All you can do is decide if you want to see him again or not, and if you are prepared to lie for him to cover up what he has done. I know what my answer would be.

Think, OP. Think. If a man attacked you, your mum or anyone else like this ... beaten, strangled, cigarettes stubbed out on them, threatened, broken nose with glass bottle ... a serious, hateful, violent sustained attack ... you would could the police. You would want them to go to prison. you would want them to kept away from you.

The fact that this man is your father should make NO difference ... he is a violent criminal and he should be in prison for what he has done. This is probably just the first time you've been told about it; your mother couldn't hide her injuries this time, right?

Sickening. Horrifying. And criminal.

If you truly can't see that your dad deserves to be kept far away from all of you, then you need help, too. Call Women's Aid. Get advice. And I hope you can call the police to get your dad out of there and help for your mother.

If you want a relationship with an abuser, whoever they are, then there is something wrong with you.
Was this your life growing up, did he abuse you too
You can't patch things up with an abuser, your mum must think this is normal behaviour by now.
The poor woman needs help and support, it will probably save her life.

My grandfather was like this. He would get drunk and violent, and take it out on his wife (my grandmother). Their children (incl my DM) did everything they could to persuade her to leave. Which she did in the end.

I agree with PP to call women's aid, and I'd say even get the police involved as your mother was assaulted. Please do NOT stay quiet about this, you're enabling his behaviour.

Replace the word mother, with daughter. Decide what you’d do in that scenario, then do that.

^^ this

That is sustained torture, not a fight.

I'm so sorry but agree with a lot of the people about the level of risk your Mum is at.

If he was sorry why couldn't he attend the police station with you now and confess? If he wasn't prepared to do this I would only have any contact with him that was necessary to allow me to keep contact with your Mum.

Being drunk and in an argument are irrelevant. Everyone I hold dear (as far as I know), when drunk or arguing, or drunk-arguing have never spat, broke noses or cigarette burned people.

Can your Mum read this thread?

I think you need to explain to your mum that you have to tell your partner. Its not fair for you to deal with this alone.

Most people who kill know their victims. Around half of all female murder victims are killed by a partner or ex partner.

I don't want to lose my relationship with him either.
really ?

Please do something before it’s too late

I'd tell the police and my father would be dead to me. Assuming I outlived him, I would later visit his grave purely so I could spit on it.

You sound like you've become so inured to casual aggression growing up that you don't even see how bad this is.

He almost killed her.

Somewhere deep down, you know how wrong this is.

Your DM is concerned that your DF thinks that you hate him?
I'm sorry that she is worried about that but he's not wrong is he? Even if a part of you loves him because he's your Dad, how can you not hate someone who could beat your mother down, stub cigarettes out on her and bash her face in with a bottle. That isn't drunken fighting. That is attempted murder. It's sustained abuse. It is treating someone with such contempt.
How can you even consider letting him into your home near your own family? How can you not warn your partner?

The single person who made a stand against my abusive ex is a hero in my book. It caused all sorts of breakdowns in relationships (actually he just speeded things up, the end result would have been the same), but he is the only one who had the courage to do what was morally right.

In your position I would rather lose contact with both parents, but know that my Mother was away from danger and able to start a new life, then know I could have done something but didn't.
If your Mum has been living this life for a very long time, it's her norm and she will have created all sorts of coping strategies. It shouldn't be like that.

Good luck.

Assuming I outlived him, I would later visit his grave purely so I could spit on it.

I think she should wear a red dress to his funeral. That way she can be there for her mum while making it clear that it's a celebratory event.

While I see why people say to not have him in your house, I would be worried about my mum becoming more isolated if I did that. I also agree with other posters that you should tell your mum you can’t keep it a secret from your DP, you need support and if they are coming to your house your DP kind of has a right to know that your DF is a violent man..

Not sure how to handle seeing your dad again, but I would probably want to address it with him early on and tell him he needs to seek outside help for his anger (and drinking?) if he wanted any kind of relationship with me.

I would also be trying to support my mum to leave him as I would be scared for her safety, but that’s probably best done at another time, not the visit.

He will kill her. You are the only person who knows this. Use that information wisely.

I think you need to keep talking to your mum and try and persuade her not to sweep it under the carpet. Given the brutality and sustained nature of the attack I don't believe for one second this is an isolated incident so you mother is almost certainly a victim of long-term domestic violence. It will take a lot of work and support (probably with professionals) to get her to a stage where she can think about leaving him and reporting him to the police.
As tempting as it is, I'd resist the urge to have it out with him as it's your mother that will be punished for it.

Your Mum is still with him? In the same house? WTF???? Get her away from him

She can speak to her Mum about leaving but as her Mum is a grown adult she cant force her, it sounds like OPs Mum has decided to stay with him. Op why do you want to maintain a relationship with him, Dad or no Dad...read back what you wrote that he did to your Mum, let it sink...it looks like you are in as much denial as your Mum.

There's a weird thing that happens when you make the first move in this situation.

After you have spoke to him once, it will eat you up, but there's this weird feeling. Like, we've already moved on. I can't just suddenly bring it up or get angry now. You then have to wait for the next time he beats the shit out of your mother to feel like you're in the right stop speaking to him or to have ago at him.

Don't do that to yourself.

I agree this isn't a drunken fight. He has attacked her. Abusers who kill often strangle first. She is at real and urgent risk from him. She needs to leave.
I would never see him again. Ever.