Dad beat mum up and I'm not sure what to do

[LS112]

Just looking for some advice. Sorry for the length.

A month ago my parents had been drinking and got into a fight. I'm not sure of the exact circumstances and I don't really care because I make a point of staying out of their arguments.

What I do know is my mum was left with a broken nose, which he did with a glass bottle, a burst lip, burns on her skin from where he stubbed a cigarette out on her, and bruises all over which made it hard for her to move for a few days. He also strangled her, spat in her face and verbally abused her.

My dad has no injuries. My mum said she just tried to defend herself the whole time and he overpowered her. Regardless of whether or not that's true, there's no excuse for inflicting those injuries on your wife (or anybody!) and I'm disgusted by my dad's actions.

I'm the only person my mother has told and she's made me swear not to tell anyone, even my partner. She's lied to everyone else about how she got her injuries.

And this is where I need advice... It's been a month now and I haven't spoken to my dad at all since before it happened. I just don't know what to say and I hate confrontation, but I don't want to act like everything is fine and like I'm not horrified by what he's done. I don't want to carry on like nothing has happened or let him think his behaviour is acceptable, but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either. He's made no attempt to contact me either. My mum says he's avoiding me because he 'thinks I hate him'. I don't see my family much because I don't live that close, but on the 2 occasions I've visited, he's faked illness so he wouldn't have to see me.

My parents are trying to patch things up between them, and in a few days they will be visiting me. I have no idea how to act around him, or what to say about it, if anything. I don't want to make things more difficult, but I don't know how I can just play happy families knowing what he did. Any advice?

I'm sorry, that was a sustained attack. Your mum is describing it is a fight to minimise it and I expect through conditioning. Please call the police and report it, or women's aid. You dad is not a good man and this has been normalised

Are you OK, @LS112

You've gone very quiet. Is finding out an outsider's perspective of what your father is capable of a big shock?

No one can tell you the correct things to say to brush what happened under the carpet, no matter how much you want to be diplomatic because, in the long term, that does not help your poor mum.

I could never welcome someone into my home who came very close to murdering another person and especially when that person was my mum. I wouldn't care if he was my father, next door neighbour or the pope he/she most certainly would not be stepping over my threshold again.

It's completely unforgivable what he did to your mum.
I would have been encouraging my mum to seek help via woman's aid to leave him because next time, and I guarantee they'll be a next time, he may well succeed in killing your mum.

So sorry you are going through this but you need to forget this man is your dad and help your mum because she bloody well needs it.

No way! This cannot go on unspoken. That much damage to her and you still don't like confrontation. Get over that quickly OP your dad needs putting in his place. The police should be involved. Your mum clearly doesn’t accept how bad this is. Why try and keep them together if he treats her like that? I would sing loudly about this. That’s not ok. Do not let him in your home. He’s an abuser and could kill. Why they heck would you try and keep a relationship with him, and keep your mums secret? Wake up, and get over that. He needs locking up.

And I’m going to say it (and get flamed) or this ain’t real OP.

I've been in this situation. My sister called the police. I believe her actions saved our mum's life.

Please please call the police. He really could kill her next time.

Please tell your partner and once your DPs are in the house, try to encourage her to stay with you and get your DF out. Call the police if you need to. She’s safe with you until charges are brought. She may be angry but the alternative is worse. Try anything you can to keep her safe with you (if possible) until she can be set up away from your father. I do suspect this has been going on for a long time. Were you ever affected? All the hope and good wishes in the world to you and your mum.

Hope you are ok OP? I suspect the reaction you've got may have shocked you a bit.
Come back and talk it through.

I get that it will be hard to “lose your relationship with him”. It will be like a bereavement in some ways. But a bereavement is exactly what you will suffer if he kills your mother. A bereavement topped with never ending guilt.

Gosh. You need to tell your dp, he absolutely must know what Is going on, you may need his help at some stage.

You need to get you’re DM to your house alone and see if she will contact women’s aid/the police and leave him.

Leaving is the absolute most dangerous time and he must not have any inkling she’s is leaving or planning to leave-she must Be very very careful about her actions and any written or verbal communication, if he realises she’s leaving he’ll most likely attack again but this time kill her.

There was a situation like this down the rd from me about 3 years ago, the woman had spent yrs in a dv relationship with her husband, managed to get out, but he kept the kids, on returning to collect a child not long after leaving him, he brutally attacked her, stabbing her multiple times, she crawled along the floor to the outside to try and call for help but unfortunately died from her catastrophic injuries, all whilst her 7 yr old was upstairs .

Dad or no dad, you need to cut him out and help your Mum, urgently. I second what other posters upthread have said, ring 101 and ask for an alert to be put on that address, at least then if neighbours hear commotion and call they will already know there’s serious DV taking place at that address and will give a priority response.

LS112
Is your Mum still with your dad ?
I hope things haven't escalated.

Your mum is not safe. She needs help. Her life could be in danger.