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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad beat mum up and I'm not sure what to do

113 replies

LS112 · 27/07/2018 12:53

Just looking for some advice. Sorry for the length.

A month ago my parents had been drinking and got into a fight. I'm not sure of the exact circumstances and I don't really care because I make a point of staying out of their arguments.

What I do know is my mum was left with a broken nose, which he did with a glass bottle, a burst lip, burns on her skin from where he stubbed a cigarette out on her, and bruises all over which made it hard for her to move for a few days. He also strangled her, spat in her face and verbally abused her.

My dad has no injuries. My mum said she just tried to defend herself the whole time and he overpowered her. Regardless of whether or not that's true, there's no excuse for inflicting those injuries on your wife (or anybody!) and I'm disgusted by my dad's actions.

I'm the only person my mother has told and she's made me swear not to tell anyone, even my partner. She's lied to everyone else about how she got her injuries.

And this is where I need advice... It's been a month now and I haven't spoken to my dad at all since before it happened. I just don't know what to say and I hate confrontation, but I don't want to act like everything is fine and like I'm not horrified by what he's done. I don't want to carry on like nothing has happened or let him think his behaviour is acceptable, but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either. He's made no attempt to contact me either. My mum says he's avoiding me because he 'thinks I hate him'. I don't see my family much because I don't live that close, but on the 2 occasions I've visited, he's faked illness so he wouldn't have to see me.

My parents are trying to patch things up between them, and in a few days they will be visiting me. I have no idea how to act around him, or what to say about it, if anything. I don't want to make things more difficult, but I don't know how I can just play happy families knowing what he did. Any advice?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/07/2018 14:33

You are in an awful situation, but your Mother is in an even worse one.

She is danger.

You need to be the grown up here. Suggest your Mother comes to visit you on her own, without him. And you need to persuade her to leave him.

Why is she still with him???

Please do not 'make up' with your father. He is a cruel, vicious brute. And you need to face up to this.

It won't be easy, but your Mum needs you to protect her. And help her. As others have suggested, please call Women's Aid and ask for their advice.

You cannot sit by and do nothing. He will kill her.

kes53 · 27/07/2018 14:34

GBH? Should be reported to police. They are hot on domestic violence these days.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/07/2018 14:34

Sorry, she is in danger.

Didiusfalco · 27/07/2018 14:34

Wow this is difficult. Everyone is spot on about the seriousness of this. However I’m guessing this is perhaps not completely abnormal to you? Unlikely that your dad suddenly turned in to an abusive drunk overnight? You have to tell someone to help you through this and to appreciate how not okay it is, because at the moment I think you’re normalising it, probably because it is what you’re used to?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 14:36

I don't want to lose my relationship with him either.

really ?

He strangled a woman. He broke her nose with a glass bottle. He BURNED HER WITH cigarettes. And this is your motherHonestly, if you want to have a chat and make up with him. there is something seriously wrong with you.

Really not helpful answers. Most people who watch abuse in the home still love their parents. Fuck me. It's grooming basically. No one would think to give a response like that to a a wife who wasn't being beaten why would you give it to the daughter?

I had years of being abused and watching my mother be abused. I still struggled to tell him to fuck off and that's not because there is something wrong with me Confused

Victim blaming bullshit.

HazelBite · 27/07/2018 14:36

Are you absolutely 100% sure your father actually did what your mother said?
I say this as someone I used to know told people "very confindentially" that her oH was responsible for her injuries, much later it transpired that it had been some random that she had been cheating on her OH with.

If he is guilty, there is not a lot you can do they are both adults and if your mother is determined to stay the only thing you can do is give he numbers/details etc for organisations such as Womans aid.

You Mother is a "victim" here , but at their ages they should both know how to behave , getting so drunk that you have no cotrol over your behaviour is both dangerous and distasteful.

I would be asking them both why they are still together if they are unable to behave in a decent and civilised manner as they obviously bring out the worst in each other.

Op read them BOTH the riot act.

StaySafe · 27/07/2018 14:37

The first time in over 10 years I've agreed with anything AnyFucker has said.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 14:37

Everyone is spot on about the seriousness of this. However I’m guessing this is perhaps not completely abnormal to you? Unlikely that your dad suddenly turned in to an abusive drunk overnight?

Exactly.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 14:39

Hazel don't put "victim" in quotes it makes you look like a nob.

You don't read the riot act to an adult who had an argument with her husband.

It happens, it's normal. Beating the shit out of someone is not.

ReginaOcarina · 27/07/2018 14:40

Your poor mum. Agree with all the above, this isn't a drunken row that got out of hand. Putting cigarettes out on someone is torturing them, without taking into account he has smashed her face with a glass bottle as well as his fists. He's also been a coward and hidden from you since it happened rather than face what he has done or attempted to get any help for it. 'Laying low' when you're in the wrong is utter bullshit. In my experience the people who do that are bullies that can't stomach being pulled up on their actions by someone who isn't scared of them/won't tolerate their bollocks/someone they can't talk round with pitiful justifications, so they hide and hope it all blows over.

When you think back, are there signs that this has happened before and you've previously believed your DM when she has excused marks or injuries?

I do get that this is your dad. A man you have loved all your life and it's heart breaking to have the scales fall from your eyes. I would not be able to ever forgive or forget this though. The relationship would be dead.

My advice would be to just support your mum in any way you can. Will your 'D' F even come if has been avoiding you so far? Hopefully he will cry off and you won't have to entertain him.

Flowers for you and your DM

eyycarumba · 27/07/2018 14:41

Burning someone with cigarette's isn't a temper flair, that's premeditated torture.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how to handle it, but your mother is at massive risk, please don't minimise this or let her do the same. I wouldn't be letting him in my home, especially if you have children. he purposely avoids you anyway - why are you bothered about maintaining a relationship with him.

21stCenturyMrsBennett · 27/07/2018 14:41

Really not helpful answers. Most people who watch abuse in the home still love their parents. Fuck me. It's grooming basically. No one would think to give a response like that to a a wife who wasn't being beaten why would you give it to the daughter

Which is precisely why she needs responses like that here: to emphasis how poor her thinking is here and how serious this situation is. So yes, very helpful. Much more so than calling her a victim and offering zero help or support yourself.

eggncress · 27/07/2018 14:41

Offer to phone Women’s Aid with your mum
Offer her a bed in your house
If she agrees call the police
Go no contact with your dad

Your mum could die at his hands next time
This wasn’t a drunken fight.. it was abuse disguised as one
How long has your dad been abusing your mum?
How will you feel if your mum dies next time?
Not your fault at all but you should be doing everything you can to persuade your mum to leave him
Why do you still want a relationship with your dad?

speakingwoman · 27/07/2018 14:43

My father hit my mother and I retained a relationship with him so I can understand that. it's different when it's you and you've seen the buildup.

However, with him, it was a case of suddenly losing his rag, having bottled everything up for days or months and exploding after a particularly difficult time in their relationship. it happened six or seven times during my childhood.

But I think your mum and dad would be better off apart and you should encourage her to leave.

SurlyValentine · 27/07/2018 14:43

What BewareOfDragons said. If any other man did this to your mother, you wouldn't want him anywhere near you, your family or your home. Why is it any different just because it's your father who has done it?

Abuse like this thrives on secrecy. Why are you protecting him? Your father knows that he has done wrong and that's why he's avoiding you, probably hoping that it will all blow over.

If it was me, I would be emailing or writing to him to say he was not welcome at my home and I would not be seeing him until he had done the Freedom Programme for perpetrators of domestic abuse, whether or not my mother chose to leave him.

Please get some RL support for yourself with this, and tell your DP.

EdisonLightBulb · 27/07/2018 14:44

This is not the first time, you don't just go from no violence to beating someone to a pulp, bottling them in the face and stubbing cigarettes our on them.

You need to help her get out, personally if he had never shown you any violence I would be asking him what the fuck he did and why and then telling him you cannot maintain any relationship unless he seeks immediate help.

Trinity66 · 27/07/2018 14:45

but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either.

after what he did to your mother? Seriously?

amusedbush · 27/07/2018 14:48

but I don't want to lose my relationship with him either.

He almost killed your mum.

speakingwoman · 27/07/2018 14:49

Flowers IDontEatFriedTurtle

I guess the OP needs to hear both from people who have seen similar, and from those who haven't.

I think those who haven't tend to give poor advice unless they are trained/informed though.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 14:50

Which is precisely why she needs responses like that here: to emphasis how poor her thinking is here and how serious this situation is. So yes, very helpful. Much more so than calling her a victim and offering zero help or support yourself.
I did on a previous post explain to the OP that she should cut him off now, I managed to do it without being an asshole to her though.

No, again, the responses aren't helpful. Because she isn't weird to feel that way. Christ it isn't difficult. It's really not. Of course she has conflicted feelings. It is not offering her "support" or "help" by taking the piss out of a victim, yes victim. Would you tell a woman that still loved her husband that there was something seriously wrong with her because she loved an abusive man?

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2018 14:50

Call the police.
Then if you want to, tell your dad you know what he's done, and that he needs to sign up to anger management etc if he wants to you to consider ever seeing you again. Also AA.
But it's clearly not the first time this has happened, and actually I'm not sure that anything would prevent him from doing it again, this is not so much about anger as it is about cruelty and disrespect.

He's a bully and should be locked up.Don't even consider covering up for him or what he's done. Of course tell your partner, and anyone else in the family. The more people lie to protect him, the worse he'll get. Probably most people suspect it already.

speakingwoman · 27/07/2018 14:50

crosspost turtle.

NatureIs · 27/07/2018 14:52

The visit sounds worrying to me. He's avoided you the last two times but now he wants to see you? Does he blame you for stuff or is it likely he thinks you won't take his BS? He thinks you hate him, he's attacked your mum. Will you three be alone at any point?
Does he know you know what happened? If he doesn't, don't mention it over the phone in case he takes it out on your mum. The priority is to make sure she's safe and I have a feeling whatever the outcome of the visit (or if it doesn't happen) he will take it out on her. Can you help her to get safe before the date of the visit? She probably told you hoping you'd help her right now. She must be scared.

Tiredspice2 · 27/07/2018 14:52

Call the Police and tell them that you are concerned for your mums safety! Why would you ever want to continue a relationship with him? Blood is not thicker than water. He’s a total utter scumbag.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 27/07/2018 14:53

I guess the OP needs to hear both from people who have seen similar, and from those who haven't. I think those who haven't tend to give poor advice unless they are trained/informed though.

I think that's true and I'm sorry you went through the same. I'm only now starting to deal with some of the fall out with therapy (I'd told myself I was fine now- turns out I wasn't!).

I feel awful for the OP, yet again, a woman is to blame for some abusive arsehole.