Benefit widow

[Benefitwidow]

My husband has asked me to leave the social housing bungalow I moved into when we got married.

He was on full disability benefits and I was self-employed.

Due to my earnings, he was no longer entitled to ESA. That meant my earnings had to cover rent, council tax and all the bills in the property.

My self-employment work was feast or famine and with some very late payers, we had a tough time. However, we came through it.

He has now said no longer said he can go on without his benefits. He blames the system and that as he is disabled, he is unable to be married and he wants to claim as a single person so he knows his rent is paid.

I am 50 years old, my children are grown and getting on with their lives.

I have now found myself in a position with very little savings, trying to find somewhere to live. Husband simply wants to lead a single life for the purpose of benefits. He expects me to move out and that is that.

I am utterly devastated. However, I do think the pressure will be lifted as it has been a pressure for me to keep both of us.

I do want to shake him and say we can get through this together. He says the system will not allow us to. I could walk away and start again, which he is giving me the opportunity to.

I'd appreciate thoughts from you wise and wonderful lot.

He is a selfish git - chucking you out to get more benefits?

I hope you are ending the relationship if that's the choice he's making.

If he really wanted to stay together he would make it work, sounds like a convenient excuse to me.

Maybe he misses the autonomy of getting benefits and feels bad being beholden to you for money? Do you share finances and talk about it as family money? Does he have his own spending money?

FWIW I am in a similar situation where I can’t move in with DP because I would lose benefits and be beholden to him, knowing he wouldn’t want to subsidise me and my DCs from his earnings. The only way I can see me living with him is once the DCs are older and I can earn more myself, so I don’t have to be ‘grateful’ to him for keeping me.

It’s a tricky situation but maybe worth trying to get to the bottom of it as it may not be entirely financial.

He is right though.

Sadly for him to have any security for himself your self employment would have to stop or you live separately.

The system is shit.

That is the most rubbish excuse for dumping someone that I have ever heard!.You'd be well shot of him. What an absolute git!
That's so hurtful.
Have your savings been used in supporting him? And now you've got nothing left he wants you to go cos he can get more money without you. He's showing you exactly the type of person he is. I'd be running if I were you.

Thanks for the replies, all.

I get that the insecurity with my self-employment worries him. I forgot to say that he is 9 years older than me. I was prepared to get a full-time job and give up my work as a self-employed translator.

But he says I can't earn enough to cover the housing expenses.

It's just as though he wants to block any way forward and wants to be on benefits. I've made an effort to look for a flat for myself. I have no rights to the home as I was only an added occupant.

He gets to stay in the home and I'm now in the process of packing. I take nothing away from this marriage apart from my clothing, my computer.

I think it best I walk away as peacefully as I can and build myself up. Do you think I should do this?

@MyRelationshipisweird,

I'm somewhat relieved that someone else is in a similar situation. You have children and I think that far outweighs my situation. We have 4 children between us and I haven't told mine yet. They'd go fucking nuts.

What I will stand my ground on is that, if he wants it this way, then it is over for me. We ended up in rent arrears due to a late payer and the grief I received was immense. I worked to pay it all off. He's no no rent arrears. Or any debt.

I've never claimed any benefits in 25 years. I've read the hardships people with families face and it's awful.

He cant just demand you do this, as you are married. Any assets will be half yours .

Also IMPORTANT.. Don't just move out you as will be deemed to be making yourself intentionally homeless. ,

Is your name on the tenancy ? Go to your council / housing association ., They may be able to help you ( or at least may be able to give you a deposit for a rented flat ) .

He has never gone without money. He has a mobility car which he fuels from his DLA/PIP. Out of that he paI'd for the broadband, and his mobile phone.

I paid everything else. It's the inconsistent invoice paying that he feels he can't handle. Chasing payment is time-consuming and I see it as part of being self-employed.

I'm off to see my accountant in the morning to explain what is going on as it's my end of year. I know my figures and what I have paid into the home. I also have a small tax bill next week.

He's never mean with money it's just that he got cross when somebody was in the 'cheque's in the post' mode. It's that part that he couldn't handle.

He's now gone to tell his mother that we are splitting up. Poor woman. She'll not understand this one.

It doesn't sound like there are any assets.

How long have you been married?

Is he in receipt of PIP/ DLA? Are you not entitled to WTC?

Hi @Laska5772,

My name is not on the tenancy agreement. I'm registered as an occupier by the housing association.

I'm wondering how legally I would stand with what he is saying? What would be the reason for a divorce? He wants to claim benefits?

I can afford a deposit and rent for a private flat, that's not an issue for me. But he is making me 'homeless', you're quite right and if I leave, I wouldn't qualify for emergency accommodation or social housing as I have no dependants.

Cross Posted.

How much do you earn?

It sounds like there is more to this than just money. But if he's made the decision to separate, then that's something you need to accept (as hard as it is) and make a plan to move on.

@Bombardier25966,

No assets. He receives PIP higher care and mobility rate.

It's possible we could claim WTC. I suggested this but he doesn't want to claim that. I've tried to show him the calculations. The sand is keeping his ears warm on this one. He was on benefits for seven years before I met him. We've been married for three years.

I earned £24000 in the tax year 17/18.

Something doesn’t add up.

Before you moved in he would have been getting:

• Income-based ESA
• DLA or PIP
• Housing Benefit
• Council Tax Reduction

After you moved in, his was no longer entitled to ibESA, but he would have continued to get DLA/PIP. Plus, as a couple, you may still have been entitled to Housing Benefit and CTR, but this depends on your income - if it’s variable then it means you have to update the council regularly, and you may get some Housing Benefit sometimes but not always. As a PP said you might also have been entitled to WTC although self-employment makes it a bit more complicated.

Anyway the main point is that if your income was variable and didn’t always cover the rent, you should still have got some HB to cover it.

Financially speaking he might still be better off living separately from you, but it is a very cold decision indeed. In a healthy relationship you would surely discuss the financial difficulties and try and find a solution together.

If he’s willing to just throw you out without discussion, he’s an arse. And probably good riddance. But it must hurt though

Cross posts. On £24k you wouldn’t get WTC I don’t think.

Having said that, you wouldn’t be entitled in your own right but if making a joint claim you might be eligible (as his disability increases the entitlement)

God how awful. You seem to have invested in the marriage by spending of your wages. Now you are left homeless. Please don't move out. Speak to Shelter and your council homelessness prevention team.

I bet he will still want s relationship with you even when you move out.

How long were you married? Are any of your children his?

Hi Emma,

Yes. He was in receipt of all of those you listed.

My income was more in the first year so we were not entitled to housing benefit. We took bank statements, HMRC etc evidence and our claim was not allowed.

His ESA was stopped as it's £ for £ and that wasn't a problem. We declared my income and they stopped it. Rightly so.

It's been a decline in earnings and rhe late payers that have tipped him over the edge. A client sadly died so it was a pretty big reduction in earnings 18 months ago.

I do not qualify for tax credits despite his qualifying disability passporting benefits due to some months can be £4k where as another month could be £500. I did manage to save some money over the last year as things were looking up. The difficult year was last year when it took three months for someone to pay.

I think I'm at the end to be honest. It's all so stressful as he's simply not listening to me. He keeps dragging out that I picked bad clients and that I should be more careful.

My savings are likely to be classed as a joint asset? It's just under £10k. He's disabled and I'm able to work. Now I'm thinking. He does know as I'm open and transparent about what I had.

We have no children together. All grown and from previous marriages.

The benefits might not be so easily reinstated as he would have to prove you were no longer a couple. Obviously you might no longer be together but things have tightened up a lot in the system so he'd have to prove he was single, and reapply for benefits.

If he expects to still be together once he's kicked you put expect him to go into full victim mode once he realises you are actually out of the relationship. He'll probably blame that on you too.

Also, blaming you for late payments and not accepting the nature of your self-employment - and his obsession with benefits - makes him sound like a stick-in-the-mud with no imagination or willingness to compromise.

@peekyboo,

That's about it all in a nutshell. He can't let that time go and we had to borrow money from his mother. His suggestion. I said not to. He went ahead and borrowed it to see us through. That's what his family do. Lend each other money. We don't do this in our family. We just suck up the hard times. I called the HA when I knew rent arrears were building. Made a payment arrangement etc.

My mother died in 2015 and she had no funeral plan bless her. I was her only daughter and we did it as cheaply as possible but I ended up with the bill. He fails to accept this also. I come from a very small family. I didn't qualify for support from the social fund.

I have got angry now and feel like letting rip at him. I'm so cross but it's better out than in.

I appreciate everybody's time on this. Were I not financially able to manage I really would be on my arse wouldn't I?

It also sounds like although he complains about the late payments and having to pay for your mum's funeral, he really doesn't have a basic appreciation of money. His money comes from you, the government, his mother, and so on. His anger at the late payments was likely fuelled by being used to access money without effort, when he needed it.

He wouldn't bother if you had no money to support yourself as he'd assume you'd claim benefits, like he always has.

@peekyboo,

That's it in a nutshell again. He's always had access to money. Me, I haven't. When I've been skint, I've been skint. I can manage.

Mum's funeral was a hard time financially for me and looking back, I received little support.

I need to take some legal advice I think as if he gets nasty, he might want half of the savings. As it's in my name, I might end up having to give him half. I call a solicitor I think. It was money accumulated through marriage.

It could be that as I moved into his home, that I was able to save as the rent is very cheap here.

What about the furniture in the house, would that not also be a joint asset? You may be able to agree that he keeps the furniture and you keep the money to allow you to buy some for your new home.