Benefit widow

[Benefitwidow]

My husband has asked me to leave the social housing bungalow I moved into when we got married.

He was on full disability benefits and I was self-employed.

Due to my earnings, he was no longer entitled to ESA. That meant my earnings had to cover rent, council tax and all the bills in the property.

My self-employment work was feast or famine and with some very late payers, we had a tough time. However, we came through it.

He has now said no longer said he can go on without his benefits. He blames the system and that as he is disabled, he is unable to be married and he wants to claim as a single person so he knows his rent is paid.

I am 50 years old, my children are grown and getting on with their lives.

I have now found myself in a position with very little savings, trying to find somewhere to live. Husband simply wants to lead a single life for the purpose of benefits. He expects me to move out and that is that.

I am utterly devastated. However, I do think the pressure will be lifted as it has been a pressure for me to keep both of us.

I do want to shake him and say we can get through this together. He says the system will not allow us to. I could walk away and start again, which he is giving me the opportunity to.

I'd appreciate thoughts from you wise and wonderful lot.

The furniture is his from before we were married. It's basic accessories I pur chased as it was a bachelor pad before I moved in.

I'm prepared to give him some money to move on from this. I can source secondhand items as I'll need to think about a car in the near future. I've started by contacting estate agents residential lettings. Plenty about and have been told as I'm ready to proceed it's simply a matter of referencing etc and checking my income as I am self-employed.

Christ, I might even have me a holiday once settled.

And I'm not feeling guilty. A life on benefits is not for me. I'm 50, healthy and fully able to work. He's requested this separation. So I'll call him out and agree. See how it goes down with him. The first erm out of his mouth about money and it'll take me all my time to not to smack him.

Waiting for him to come back from my lovely mils. Now I've pulled everything out of the loft. I'm not going to fight him on this. I have tried.

And there are some lovely apartments out there.

Part of me is upset, part of me is angry and part of me is thinking that I can move forward.

I have never been dumped for anything so bizarre.

Now it's the custody of the dog. That is a conversation that needs to happen. A little Shih Tzu that I adore.

Don’t give him any money!! He doesn’t deserve it.

Surely you need your money for deposit and rent?? I can't see how its fair that you have to give him half your savings but are leaving with only a suitcase whilst he still has a home, furniture etc. So I would fight that one. Sadly I think he will hold you to ransom over the dog. Does he have any affection for it? Whose is it legally?

You sound lovely op and even though this is a difficult time once you are you through it you might find that a dark cloud has lifted and your world changes completely.

I think its more simple if you are both in agreement that want to get a divorce to hasten proceedings which you can do yourselves to minimise cost - then it's just a question of reaching common ground with regard to the money. FWIW he is leaving you in a much more vulnerable position and you will need your savings for a deposit and furnishings etc.

You're all keeping me going. Thank you so much.

Emma - I get what you're saying re giving him some money. I'm wary that he might try to claim it and I'd rather just give it him now.

He'll need something to live off if I go as having checked his entitlement we're in a full service UC area. (This is going to be fun) so while I'm fucking furious with him, I'm not comfortable with leaving him with nothing only his DLA. I've spoken with the rent officer on his intentions. (She was most congruent on the phone regarding this. I nearly laughed when I told her) His rent is paid for four weeks now so he's not to worry about this.

He is disabled, so leaving him with a fridge full of food, bills are direct debit, so enough in the bill acount to pay those. I'm able bodied and can work without dipping into savings apart from deposit and first month's rent. First viewing tomorrow morning. That was quick. I'll need new furniture so will have to dip into money for this. I have a friend whom will help me move. She's at a loss too. We have done the other woman conversation and it's just not possible. I work from home.

The dog belongs to us both and keeps him going with exercise etc. He's had three heart attacks and has unstable angina. So I'm also wary that people might think I've just dumped a disabled man with nothing. I need to be the bigger woman and move forward quietly and peacefully.

I told him last night that legally, were I not in a position to fund a home, he'd be leaving me homeless. And that I would not qualify for much support from the council.

I think, if I give him a grand, to see him through, till he claims his UC now, he'll be able to manage.

What do you all think?

He sounds cold and heartless OP. Leave him, you’ll be well rid of him. You sound warm and capable, you really don’t need this awful, calculating man.

I wouldn't give him a penny - he's dumping you.

No, no, don't feel obliged to help someone who is putting you out on the street because they'd rather receive benefits than spend their life with you.

Let him borrow off his ever-giving family. You go off and spend all the money that has to be spent when we move house, have fees to pay, need to set up a complete home from scratch and need to feed ourselves on top of everything else.

Show him the same regard he has shown you. Send him a link to crisis loans because they're a type of benefit too and he likes those.

How long have you been living with him and paying the bills?

I wouldn’t lose any sleep over how he’ll manage - he is the instigator of this situation, and he doesn’t seem at all bothered about how you feel about it or how you will manage. He sounds selfish. Let him sort himself out.

I have been with hom for six years, living with him for 5. Married for three. So half a decade of being the breadwinner. And he likes a lot of bread.

@peekyboo,

I know what you're saying. He's being cruel and heartless. I suppose I'm reasoning all out in my head. The rent is paid and there is money there for him. I guess I'll not give him anything other than the months household expenses that I'd already put in mid-month.

I'm going to go and see my mil as I'm very fond of her. I feel it right. I'm still wondering what he's telling her. But that is out of my control.

This has been going on for two weeks with him suggesting we live apart. I've tried almost everything. Now I'm going to try this way. And the more I think about it. The more I can see now. It's glaringly obvious he's been brooding for months as a late payer came upon me again. It was easier as I had a lifeline with savings. Which he just seems to ignore.

I'm horribly distraught as the dog is very upset at the cases. And benefit king is still up at his mothers.

How will he afford a dog on benefits? ..what if it needs to see the vet ? also it sounds like it wont get enough walks etc..

I would start withdrawing cash from your savings if I were you, and stashing it somewhere safe. He sounds as though he has no interest in you or your relationship, so no need to feel any guilt - he's the one kicking you out! You are only 50, fit and healthy, have decent earning potential and you sound a very capable woman - you will be fine. How about a house-share rather than your own place to cut down costs? I get the feeling your life is just about to get a whole lot better.

Don't you give him a penny OP.

It's sad to go through a break up but amazingly liberating to be sat in a peaceful living room, on your own sofa, with no whiny, sulky voice trying to being you down in the background.

If he gets you to give him half your savings he will have to declare it when making a claim. Not sure what the threshold is, but he may lose benefits. Therefore he probably won't want the half.
Don't give him anything. Don't pay anymore of HIS biĺls. He wants a life on benefits. Leave him to it! He'll find it's a hell of a lot harder to claim than it was 3 years ago. And by what I've read in the papers, he'd be very lucky to receive as much as he used to.

Does he expect to continue as a single man in a HOUSE all paid for? Has he heard of bedroom tax?

He has made this decision, leave him to the consequences!
Your savings will be needed for a deposit = often two months rent. For rent up front = often six months for self employed. Furniture and white goods etc. That's going to take a hell of a lot of your 10k. And you want to give him half!? Budget for your new home first, then decide if you want to give him something of what's left. He sounds like an entitled twat. Has he ever thanked you for supporting him for years? Has he ever been grateful for his mum stepping in? Has he been grateful to receive benefits? For a HOUSE he's never had to pay for? Twat.

I guess I thought we were able to get through anything. The dog I walk, I built up a great dog-walking group near us. There is owt insurance and while he's being an utter bastard to me and he is, he's a responsible dog owner. It's just I will miss the little character.

He doesn't drink, I like a glass of wine of an evening. My friend has now offered her thoughts from the outside looking in. She says now it all makes sense. That gradually he's gone downhill. She remembers a time when I accidentally took a phone charger for his phone. He rung me up (we were away at a conference) and screamed down the phone. Id forgotten all about this incident. She says he comes across as an angry bastard constantly. It's interesting that she says this now.

I don't feel vulnerable now. I did earlier. That's thanks to you wonderful people taking the time to help me through this. I am just so grateful for your time.

ITs a little scary now going it alone, but I'll be able to manage. Hell, I've kept the home going for five years. I'll still maintain a relationship with my stepson and step grandchildren as I adore them.

It's my children whom are going to be a nightmare. They'll be horrified. Sighs.

It'll be up and down for a while, but when you've been with someone angry the main feeling becomes relief that you're safe from it. It takes being completely away to realise how much of a toll it can take, to live with someone like that.

You know, he'll probably deny breaking up with you and claim he only wanted to live separately. Then deny it had anything to do with benefits, once people judge him for it - or the benefits don't come through.

Thanks, @Thingsdogetbetter, that made me laugh which is what I needed.

He won't have bedroom tax. It's a one-bedroomed bungalow.

He will find it hard to apply. He detests form-filling. And UC is online. He'll be a fucking nightmare. His son's wife will help him.

Do you know, I bet I will be required to pay six months upfront. I have made the application over the phone and have to take my last three years tax returns and last six months bank statements.

He won't ask for any money. But even with being disabled, he will have to wait for three months to get his LCWRA under UC. My friend knows this. She works as a CAB advisor. So he'll get his rent paid and £317 personal allowance.

I'm off to look at an apartment in the morning. My eldest son (29) is coming over tonight. He's calm and reasoned. He'll break the storm for my middle son and my daughter . Middle son will be okay but daughter will rant and rave. She's 24 and is erm what one would call very, very vocal in women's rights. Husband will be in for a right ear bashing.

Let us know what you think of the apartment tomorrow! We're thinking of you.

Thank goodness for your last sentence. I was worried your dd was going to be ranting and raving at you.

You have got this. You have more balls than he does and you'll be fine.

And take the dog!!

Look, he has told you loud and clear that he has chosen to rely on benefits rather than be in a relationship with you and allow you to support him financially. So let him experience the consequences of that decision! That involves making a claim, with all the online form filling and administrative faff required. That involves waiting for claims to be processed and payments to be made. That involves contacting them and making the case for an advance/interim payment and/or crisis loan if he needs it while he’s waiting. That involves temporarily going into arrears with his rent and explaining to his landlord (presumably the council or a HA). That involves visiting CAB and asking for food voucher and then going to the food bank, if he has no food and no money to buy it.

That’s the harsh reality of the benefits system. That’s what he chose over your marriage.

If he wants to take you to court for half your savings, he’ll need legal representation. I hope he won’t use your money to pay for it.

Who is going to provide him with his care now OP? I assume being on high rate PIP, he requires care and can't get around much on his own?

That's a good question, Claire.

He does struggle with mobility as he has a crushed spine too. Which is why I worked from home. On his transfer to pip, I dealt with all the paperwork etc.

I even looked at giving up work and claiming carers allowance for him. But that was futile as he would have suffered losing the SDP. And my life would have stopped.

He's on a pathway for a bypass. He's on a diet too. He does manage well alone and at times, when I have had to go away for work, he's managed okay. He's fit to drive so he can shop and get out. He does exercise with his spine pain.

He's decided to stay at his mothers tonight. Just sent me a text. Good. I might lose the plot with him and he knows my son is coming from work. The dog is here with me.