Benefit widow

[Benefitwidow]

My husband has asked me to leave the social housing bungalow I moved into when we got married.

He was on full disability benefits and I was self-employed.

Due to my earnings, he was no longer entitled to ESA. That meant my earnings had to cover rent, council tax and all the bills in the property.

My self-employment work was feast or famine and with some very late payers, we had a tough time. However, we came through it.

He has now said no longer said he can go on without his benefits. He blames the system and that as he is disabled, he is unable to be married and he wants to claim as a single person so he knows his rent is paid.

I am 50 years old, my children are grown and getting on with their lives.

I have now found myself in a position with very little savings, trying to find somewhere to live. Husband simply wants to lead a single life for the purpose of benefits. He expects me to move out and that is that.

I am utterly devastated. However, I do think the pressure will be lifted as it has been a pressure for me to keep both of us.

I do want to shake him and say we can get through this together. He says the system will not allow us to. I could walk away and start again, which he is giving me the opportunity to.

I'd appreciate thoughts from you wise and wonderful lot.

He's hiding out at his mother's under pretext of you being mean to him because he's kicking you out. He wants it all to go away without him having to be any part of it (besides being the cause of it), and he wants his money from the government in a brown envelope by next Tuesday.

Please don’t give him any money now thinking it will be easier. Sounds like he will happily take it, AND claim anything he can off you and us. Let him learn the hard way.

My son has brought a friends dad whom is a family lawyer.

Good job I was presentable. I felt like getting plastered today but so glad I didn't.

I know my DC will tell me not to give any money to him from the savings. My DD will be the thunderstorm that arrives later over the phone. She lives miles away.

Why are you considering protecting him from the realities of his decisions? He isn’t concerned about protecting you. As for the dog, your presence makes having a dog possible, another consequence of his decision.

Don't give the bastard a penny OP. He's sponged off you for years. Can you take the little dog when you leave? Leave the miserable bastard to his solitary life on benefits. Don't let him come crawling back to you.

@AgentJohnson,

You're absolutely right. I am protecting him. Do you know what? I'm not going to protect him. He can make his way as he did before he met me.

Lawyer had stated the largest asset in the marriage is me (Friendly advice only I won't be instructing him as he's a family friend) and that I should move on. Divorce can be done swiftly. Apparently one can do it online. Blimey.

You've all been brilliant. I'll be moving very soon once the checks and references are complete. It's in the private sector and I hope I get someone that wants a long-term tenant. And I'll have to pay six months up front with a months deposit and £275 fees for checks.

Christ. That's like almost £4500. So there's my savings halved in an afternoon.

I know that is a heck of a chunk of money to outlay all at once but that gets you six months of blessed peace and quiet in your own little place without having your miserable STBXH around. He doesn't deserve a single penny from you and yes you can fill in divorce paperwork online now I think. Again not cheap but worth it for escaping the relationship while you still have time to move in and make another better life for yourself . You don't have kids together so better to go for a clean break agreement so he has absolutely no claim on any of your money / property / pension

Op. You sound so compassionate, considerate and reasonable. That man is missing out on having someone as wonderful and caring as you in his life. Once you're gone and the loneliness hits him he'll realise that no matter how tight you hug your money, it will never hug you back. Money can't buy you love. He'll soon enough find out. What a loser. Who gives up love, companionship and a kind partner for money? It's not like he was starving being married to you.

Op, you sound so much stronger since that first post. You have come a long way in such a short time. So glad you're feeling more positive about the future.

I think you wil relish your freedom once away from him. You will realise all the little and big ways he made you miserable every day. You will be walking on air!

He sounds like a selfish uncaring man. Thank God you won't be nursing him in his old age!

This is winding me up! Putting benefits before his wife. Is there any work he could do OP?

Hello Claire,

I've tried this with him. I even offered to pay for him to start up as a driving instructor as a friend did it. She's swamped now and while it was hard at first taking the exams, she's overtaken her husband's earnings as doing it full-time. He said he can't. Because he's disabled. I could bloody scream.

I've looked back over the last two weeks and I think it was a bit of a wind up. But no, he's deathly serious and has claimed he's devastated. Yes seriously. I'm not sure whether he's seriously lost it or I couldn't see that he was always a twat.

Probably the twat thing...

That's like almost £4500. So there's my savings halved in an afternoon

Which is exactly why you don't give him a penny of your savings - you need them to start over!
Decorating and buying furniture etc will eat into them too you don't need to tell anyone if the new place comes furnished
I'd hide/move the remaining money if he tries going after it.
You spent your wages paying his way in life share of living expenses whilst he spent his income only on himself.
Not one penny of those savings belong to him!

I think he deliberately used you as a carer and cash cow, and now he's lying about late payments being the reason for the breakup.

i think the truth is more about him wanting to secure himself guaranteed maximum income via benefits and not wanting to risk you retiring (reducing your income) or needing care in the future.

I would list his 'wanting more benefit payments' and not wanting to support you in any way if you needed care/got ill as part of his unreasonable behaviour in the divorce petition.

he's a lazy, selfish and entitled arse and i'm glad you will be free of him.

I thought, but may be wrong, that if he is in the ESA support group, if he is entitled to contribution based ESA (had paid enough NI before he had to stop working) he would still be entitled to that, about £110 a week? He would no longer be entitled to any income support ESA top up due to your earnings.

Also due to your earnings his housing benefit would be effected.

Ps sorry I haven’t read through the thread, so apologies if what I wrote in my previous post has been discussed. I also forgot to add I know those in the working group ESA lose all entitlement after the first year if their partner earns above the threshold which is low.

Sorry I also forgot to write I am sorry he has been so heartless to you.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly OP. I have to day though, the more you post, the more greedy he sounds. I suspect he thinks he's going to get his full complement of benefits (that he got 3 years ago, things might be very different now) and that you two perhaps will have some sort of relationship still with you maintaining practical and extra financial support. I suspect he's 'devastated' as you haven't gone down the 'we can still be together, just live apart route' that he thought you might.
Can your son tell your daughter that you know he's an arse but you need support and not a rant? It sounds like you are dreading that a bit.

Morning,

I am off to view a flat. Two bedrooms.

My son has told my daughter for me and while she's nothing short of pissed off, she is being supportive towards me.

I today, feel a bit grim but I refuse to be in a relationship with someone that behaves this way.

Flat is in a good area, with great transport links, a pub, a green grocers and a post office. In a (well posh) gated development.

If I like it, which I probably will, I am going to offer six months up front as that will satisfy the LL requirements. EA advised as self-employed it is a good way to sell myself as a prospective tenant. EA states that this is a brilliant landlord that maintains her properties to a high standard. Also, there are integrated appliances so I don't have to buy white goods.

Husband had contacted me this morning. Told him that I am going to see the flat. He's quiet. (Good) I feel less sympathetic this morning regarding his situation.

My sil has also called and told me she thinks he's depressed. Bollocks I told her. This is not depression and she is not a doctor. He's not thought about me in any way shape or form.

So, that leaves me to think about myself with the blessing of my children.

There is another couple of flats that I'm looking at tomorrow. EA is informing LL of my offer as she has other flats and houses in the area and EA states that she'll likely want to help me quickly because I am in a position to proceed.

Again, can't thank you all enough for the support. I felt bleak yesterday. Today is a new day. He can deal with his side of things.

Is he ending the relationship or is this to solve a benefits problem? If its the latter, i would move out, get a lovely home, stop subsidising him, have more money and go out on dates with him (which he should pay for as he is minted), no need to wash or clean after him. All of this if YOU want to still be in a relationship with him.
My advice would be to divorce before you make any money (so he cant have it) and date nicer men.

He will be telling you he didn't really mean it once he knows you are really going.

dont forget to take council tax into consideration.. Do you really need a 2 bed flat? A 1 bed would probably be a lower band..

This could be a lucky escape op - plenty of women on gransnet complaining about how selfish and inconsiderate their husbands became as they got older - obviously not everyone is like that - how exciting for your new life to be just starting. Will the LL consider your little dog possibly or do you feel she'll be better off where you are? What might you do if your stbex tries to contact you with his usual sob story?

Here's the link for online divorce - if you need it in future. It's all happening pretty quickly although it's probably been happening over the past few years. There are other sites but I guess they add on a bit to cover their fee.

www.gov.uk/divorce

this is a good forum if you just want to ask general questions about your particular situation.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Advice-and-discussion-forums.html

*she is - sorry!

Christ. Every time a man behaves badly somebody chimes in with “is he depressed”! No, he’s just a selfish arrogant prick. You’ve paid all of that rent for all those years!! Go see a solicitor. See if you can claim his share of the rent back plus any bills you’ve paid for him. He’s basically been using you as a bank account.

Hi Laska,

I do need two bedrooms as I have my daughter who spends half her holidays with me. She's at university. In my current circumstances, she was on a sofa bed in the sitting room. It means I can spend some much-needed time with her if I have a second bedroom. She wants some mum time and I'll be able now to help her out as she has three jobs while at university. She's knackered.

After what I've paid out over the years for husband, I will be able to manage financially. I can also rebuild my savings. Likely too old to get another mortgage. It's more important that I have a good landlord/lady so I can settle. I can then top up my pension.

My eldest son is getting married next year to a lovely woman and she's asked me to make her head wear. I can have a second bedroom as a sewing room. I love to sew.

I was 50 10 days ago, my life can improve and I'm now looking forward to some financial freedom. Luckily, my children's father has been a good contributor financially to the children. He has a little girl with his second wife so I can assist now with daughter while she is going through university. She has one year to do.

Husband now is home. His face when he saw the cases. Time to speak to him about this. Will keep you all updated. I will be strong.

Well done OP and hope you find a good place to live. Sounds like you'll be well rid of this man. Can't believe it really, surely a loving partner is worth more than this? He might start to regret it once he sees you're making plans, but you have to look out for yourself now. Don't give him any money!

@Cawfee - that was going to come in from his sister whom treats him as though he is 12.

He is not depressed. He had a nice life before I met him and he certainly had a nice life while I was supporting him. I didn't want a life on benefits as I can work. His quality of life did improve. We had a couple of holidays. Of course there were tough times, it was bloody hard. Mum dying, funeral bill, late payers, three months of rent arrears. But we managed. Or I did. He borrowed money from his mother which I opposed.

He is not depressed. I'm not buying that one at all. He's a selfish prick that has asked me to leave. So I am.

And if he comes with a sob story? No. He can foxtrot Oscar. All the buried resentment when he's attacked me verbally when a client was late paying an invoice has come flooding in now. And I'm ready for his words this morning. Anything he throws at me, I'll be handing his arse to him on a plate.

I got mad when his sister called me. In a very clinical way. She told (yes told) me to not rush into anything as he may change his mind.

I'm not sure which bit of 'You need to leave our home as I want to claim benefits as it's affecting my health being without security' she thinks is okay? Christ sake.