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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Benefit widow

109 replies

Benefitwidow · 26/07/2018 13:00

My husband has asked me to leave the social housing bungalow I moved into when we got married.

He was on full disability benefits and I was self-employed.

Due to my earnings, he was no longer entitled to ESA. That meant my earnings had to cover rent, council tax and all the bills in the property.

My self-employment work was feast or famine and with some very late payers, we had a tough time. However, we came through it.

He has now said no longer said he can go on without his benefits. He blames the system and that as he is disabled, he is unable to be married and he wants to claim as a single person so he knows his rent is paid.

I am 50 years old, my children are grown and getting on with their lives.

I have now found myself in a position with very little savings, trying to find somewhere to live. Husband simply wants to lead a single life for the purpose of benefits. He expects me to move out and that is that.

I am utterly devastated. However, I do think the pressure will be lifted as it has been a pressure for me to keep both of us.

I do want to shake him and say we can get through this together. He says the system will not allow us to. I could walk away and start again, which he is giving me the opportunity to.

I'd appreciate thoughts from you wise and wonderful lot.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 27/07/2018 10:25

Well done, your doing so well.

Laska5772 · 27/07/2018 10:25

Sounds good then. Have you a friend you can go to while you sort out te flat .. ( or even a Premier Inn or Travel Lodge may do you a good deal if its to be a months stay - it may take that time to sort out flat rent agreement ) Better than living with him for the next few weeks

rizlett · 27/07/2018 10:36

Maybe everything will turn out exactly how it should - the perfect apartment at the right time just waiting for you and enough money to pay for 6 months rent to give you some much needed peace and space.

Mortgages are generally available up to retirement age op so worth looking at too just in case. It'd probably be cheaper than the cost of rent.

rizlett · 27/07/2018 10:37

L&C would be worth calling - then your 10k could possibly be a deposit though I guess it would depend on house prices in the area you'd love most to be located.

Laska5772 · 27/07/2018 10:45

SIL is panicing in case his future care falls on her..

pinook · 27/07/2018 12:11

Repeating what a pp said, you can get a mortgage still at 50. My friend got a 18 year mortgage at 51. Obviously it depends on house prices in your area etc but just something to consider.

I think you are doing brilliantly. Good luck with your new life.

peekyboo · 27/07/2018 12:18

I'm self-employed and got a great mortgage deal with a small local building society. Depending on where you are it might be worth looking at a place like that.

fuzzyfozzy · 27/07/2018 13:22

Hope the flat looks amazing!

Jamforlunch · 27/07/2018 14:05

You've got a bright and happy future ahead of you OP. Stay strong.

StormTreader · 27/07/2018 17:06

"SIL is panicking in case his future care falls on her.."

Yup, this. Along with all the whining and grumbling and sulking as she tries to get all his benefit forms in for him...

swingofthings · 27/07/2018 17:56

He had a nice life before I met him
What did he do? Was he ever married, does have children? Does he suffer from anxieties?

I know that some disabled people, especially if they went from living a full life to one where your disability controls your life, develop terrible anxieties and fears, and his could be that he could lose the one thing that is secure in his life and that's his place. Unfortunately, by letting his fears take over, he has pushed away the only other thing that was secure and that's you.... unless that was another fear of his, that you would end up walking away from him and he thought easier to take control and ask you to move than to see himself on the other side of the fence.

Whatever the reasons, it sounds like you are ready to move on and in a way, this is indeed probably liberating.

It is sad because he will probably wake up to realise he made the biggest mistake, but life goes on and in your case, it will probably turn out to be a blessing.

Ginny008 · 27/07/2018 20:39

You are doing so well but a couple of things:
A. ASAP transfer personal funds (ie your own money) from your bank accounts he has access to;
B. Ensure you redirect all mail addressed to you to maintain confidentiality and ensure client information/work requests don’t get delivered to your current address. I think that takes 7 days to kick in so do this now;
C. DON’T be too open and honest with your soon to be EX as you may be storing problems with him re your new life;
D. If you are on social media tighten up your privacy settings do he can’t peek into your new life and
E. DON’T give him your new address. Perhaps your lovely middle son can act as go between if necessary.

Good luck and enjoy your new life!

GenericHamster · 29/07/2018 18:41

Hope the flat was good - do let us know. Will be thinking of you.

Ellie56 · 29/07/2018 19:18

He sounds like a complete twat OP. You are well rid of him.

And I hope he finds it really difficult getting all the benefits he thinks he's entitled to. As other posters have said things have changed a lot over the last few years and the DWP are tightening up a lot.

fuzzyfozzy · 30/07/2018 21:33

How're you doing op?

DianaT1969 · 30/07/2018 22:07

Do tell the Housing Association that he wants a divorce and he is making you homeless as it was his flat originally. You aren't a high earner, so you may qualify to go on their waiting list. Do try this. It would be much better than private rent.

NameChange30 · 30/07/2018 22:14

Housing associations don’t have their own waiting lists.
You have to apply for social housing via the council.
Single people with no disabilities and no children are unlikely to be high priority, but it depends on the availability and demand for social housing in the area.

Babyroobs · 30/07/2018 22:17

I expect he was getting the severe disabilty premium of esa be ause he was living alone. That premium really boosts the esa amount. If your area has now gone full service for Universal credit then he will have to apply for that instead and there is not currently any sdp equivalent. He may find himself worse off.

NameChange30 · 30/07/2018 22:21

You don’t get the severe disability premium because you live alone! You get it if you receive PIP daily living, DLA care (middle or higher rate) or Attendance Allowance, and if no one is claiming Carers Allowance for looking after you. Doesn’t matter whether you live alone, with a partner or the France football team.

NameChange30 · 30/07/2018 22:24

OK please ignore previous post, I didn’t fully read the link I shared, sorry Blush Blush

You can get the SDP if you are in a couple but the couple has to be living Aline (and you can also get SDP as a single person living alone)

Sorry Blush

mumsastudent · 30/07/2018 22:46

um so universal credit isn't in your area yet - boy is he in for a shock...have you read the rules? www.gov.uk/universal-credit/what-youll-get
most people will be transferred across eventually & there will be new assessments & rules - don't do anything yet please do as other have said ring shelter & contact your housing maybe get him moved to supported living perhaps -

Babyroobs · 30/07/2018 23:03

AnotherEmma - I'm perfectly aware of under what conditions you can get SDP and if her husband was living alone prior to her moving in then he may well have been getting it and what I am trying to say is that it no longer exists ( for now ) on UC.

Dowser · 31/07/2018 06:04

Practically read the full thread BW and omg you are amazing
Of all the mnet scenarios this is a completely new one.
Something tells me your life is just going to soar when you move in.to your new place ..and I would move in

Get your quickie divorce and dump his sorry ass and don’t look back.

I love that saying
He can hug his money tight but it won’t hug him back

How very true

I predict that in a years time you will be telling us what a wonderful life you’re leading

Meanwhile all he has done is drag you down

I feel you’ve been like a bird trapped in a not very gilded cage
Your business might even take off even more rapidly.

Fly BW 👍

annandale · 31/07/2018 06:20

I hope today goes well.

I agree that there may be all sorts of reasons why he said what he said, but he's a grown man and he still said it.

It sounds as if his family have a certain way of being around him. I think you are going to find your new life very healing.