Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

[roominthesky]

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

You are brave ( doing what you must although you're terrified ) and strong for your children. Possibly the d&v is because of the stressful situation rather than a bug.

So he thinks about the retaliatory action before he carries it out. Don’t be fooled - he is a danger to you and your children.

So glad you're being determined, please make sure he doesn't come back and catch you

I sympathize and empathize. I'm stuck cohabiting with a STBXH who's abusive and controlling. 2 DC suffering too. Get rid asap and count your blessings for the rest of your life.

Then stay single! At least til you've healed and met a normal.

Ruc sack incident was him warning you about his plans to escalate to physical violence if you don’t know your place ( in your own home! ... I’m gobsmacked !)
If it was a “normal” person I’d give him the benefit of the doubt but if your gut instinct is telling you something, listen!
Hope you’re getting on ok with the lock changing and packing

Maybe you should start a thread too @hottotrotsky 🌸

The rucksack was not accidental. It was him testing the waters.

I had the subtle bumps from strategic things like a door or drawer deliberately being left open so I'd bang myself or my hair accidentally getting caught like that in the early days. It was him not being brave enough to actually clock me one yet but still having that compulsion to cause me discomfort or pain. As you can imagine, it progressed to overtly pushing or grabbing me.

So yes, it is abuse in other forms and a clear indication that it would progress shortly to physical abuse.

Do you have a plan A and back up plans @roominthesky for what you will do when he returns today and do you know when that will be?

Police, police, police.

I really, really, really hope I'm wrong. And I probably am, but not worth taking the chance. Targeting a single mum, barging into the bathroom on your little ones...."my phone was hacked" may even be his planned alibi in case you find images of child sexual abuse on his phone.

Good luck op

Omg. @nocoolnamesleft I would never have thought of that!
Op ..... ring the police and put them in the picture. Tell them you're expecting trouble.
They will log your call and be on high alert if you need help from them later.
It will only take a few minutes.
Please do this for all of us on here.

Just another voice to say you are being incredibly brave and keep talking to Women's Aid and the police whatever may come next. He's 100% being abusive, including that rucksack incident, and neither you nor your children deserve this. Trust your instincts - you deserve to feel safe. Make that your mantra if you feel any doubt creeping in. You can do this.

avocado I did the first time in 2011 under another username. It's taken this long to get to this point and he won't budge til he's made to. Court hearings to begin in October.

Am dreading the 3 wks he'll be off work in august.

If he threatens or assaults me it's off to a refuge for us til he's turfed out.

Bloody hell you poor love

Is there anything we can do?

Good luck OP

You are not being silly, or over reacting, or wasting any bodies time. You are reacting exactly in proportion, even actually minimising it yourself, certainly not going over the other way.

Keep strong. If not for you, do this for four children....

Don’t let him back in. If he tries, call the police.

How are things OP.

@hottotrotsky sounds like the end is in sight for you. Someone told me we only have 18 summers with our children so you are right to bail out if you need to. Stay safe lovely and carry on being as strong as you are!

Are you OK roominthesky?

Are your children out with him op?

Hooe they're safely back home and he's gone for good

Worrying for you OP, hope everything is ok

I hope your locks are changed and you are safe OP, sending strength and support

Is there any update? Are your locks changed and did he turn up?

Hope you & your kids are safe op.

Hoping you're safe x