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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

277 replies

roominthesky · 26/07/2018 09:02

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

OP posts:
Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 10:49

No friends to do that for me, no and only the one friend who can't get here till 3. I've alerted my neighbour though and although she is an older woman and I wouldn't want to put her in harm's way I think she would come if I was desperate.

He's just rung me to say I can only ring him not text because of the phone hacking. I was going to text him later to tell him not to come back. He showed me earlier that his phone is operating in safe mode - not sure what that means?

I feel frozen and terrified. What do I do first? I can't believe how scared he's got me. I'm trying not to let the children see what is happening and I've barely slept.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 27/07/2018 10:49

I think the pp who said he might come back quickly to ‘catch’ you could have a point. If you are leaving the house have your gp story ready - have a note left on the table you can point to as ‘I tried to call and couldn’t get into you - maybe something to do with what’s wrong with your phone? So I wrote a note so you would know where we are.’

Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 10:50

He's left his weed here. He clearly intends to come back. Maybe he's got some on him though.

OP posts:
swishbish · 27/07/2018 10:54

has he left the house now OP?

YoYoNoMore · 27/07/2018 10:58

OP, I’m so relieved to hear from you. So he’s gone out. Good. What you do next is you let the Police know you will be telling him to leave when he returns today and that you fear his behaviour when you do. Then you pack up all of his belongings leaving no excuse for him to return, and leave them outside your property. Lock yourselves in so he has to knock and when he does, tell him to go. Have a friend there for when you do this. If he gets at all agitated, or tries to enter the property, call the Police. Whatever he says, don’t give in. Good luck today and may you be forever rid of him.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2018 10:59

He's left his weed here
Aha - and now the moods make more sense.
Just start at the beginning.
Get some bin bags. Do 1 room at a time.
Ignore his crap about texting.
His phone has NOT been hacked.
He will take it off of safe mode once he's out of the house.
That's all just a ruse to make you think he's not up to anything.
Keep plodding on today.
You'll get there.
Be strong for your DC!

YoYoNoMore · 27/07/2018 11:02

Yes, the phone is most likely a red herring. It’s him stoking his own paranoia. There’s probably something else going on with him that he doesn’t want you to know about but what you are doing now has nothing to do with the phone. You can do this.

sunshineandroses1 · 27/07/2018 11:05

I’ve name changed for this OP as have only shared to a couple of people irl. I got sucked into a similar situation a few years ago and I can so so understand your fear and feelings of your brain being scrambled and not knowing what to do and who to turn to
I wasn’t able to remove myself from the situation quick enough and things escalated as the abuser had well and truly got his claws into me. I think I want to tell you to do this now today and don’t look back. The longer these vile creatures are with you the harder is is to finish things. And no matter how much grief you get afterwards please please don’t respond. Don’t ever ever talk with him again and call the police on 999 each and every time he tries to get back.
I’m not one for drama but he might not go quietly. In my situation the police were absolutely fantastic each and every time I called them. Use them please. There’s not much they haven’t seen or heard and are probably the only people who will never be taken in by an abuser.
I’m not clear what your plans are when your friend arrives at 3 but I’ll keep you and your children in my thoughts

eggncress · 27/07/2018 11:05

Could you phone a locksmith now ?
Don’t wait til 3
If he turns up meantime just tell him straight that he can go live somewhere else and the police are on their way.

Let your neighbour know what you’re doing and ask her to call 999 if he turns up.

sunshineandroses1 · 27/07/2018 11:07

Oh and I agree there’s nothing wrong with his phone! I’d bet he’s maybe up to something with his next victim

Justbenice1 · 27/07/2018 11:09

If you don't have anyone else then I strongly suggest you phone the police and explain the situation, even explain about how he was with the children's privacy, that Will def make them listen. You want this on record trust me. Otherwise later on if he argues with you it just looks like a domestic argument which they have less power to intervene with. If you ring them now, tell them your plans and tell them you fear for your safety they can help you. It's hard to do, but you've come this far, you can do this. Sending you strength.

RadicalUnspooler · 27/07/2018 11:12

At this point you need to consider the implications of him having drugs in your house, right now, with your knowledge. You have children so this will add to the safeguarding concerns and may cast doubt on your judgement unless you really do act today.

Honestly if I were you I would get the kids' shoes on right now, literally now, and go to the police station. Tell them everything, including about the drugs.

GravyMilkshake · 27/07/2018 11:14

You aren’t a stupid person but allowing him to take your children out was a stupid thing to do. Never mind - you got away with it and nothing happened. Take it as your “freebie” - the one time we fuck up regarding our DCs safety and get away with it.

Now get yourself together and get rid. Enough people have told you that yanbu now. Time to act.

kenandbarbie · 27/07/2018 11:18

Hope it goes ok today op. Keep strong xx

Butterymuffin · 27/07/2018 11:19

Ring the police and tell them all this. You need official help to get him out.

eggncress · 27/07/2018 11:25

Agree about logging this with the police. He may even be known to them and may have done similar with other kids but not enough evidence to charge him,or he may do it in future to others in which case you may be the missing additional evidence they need.

MadeForThis · 27/07/2018 11:25

Don't worry about his stuff. The police can be there or return it.

Get the locks changed ASAP. The landlord just needs a copy of the keys. They won't be concerned that you changed them.

Be prepared to leave immediately if he comes back. Claim an appointment at the GP. I know your little one is sick but safe is more important now.

What time is he due back?

itchyknees · 27/07/2018 11:27

Please please listen OP. Police, tell them everything, the weed, the lot.

eggncress · 27/07/2018 11:33

Probably nothing wrong with his phone either.
But hopefully you won’t need to bother about that other than just blocking him.

Original poster
roominthesky · 27/07/2018 11:56

Womens Aid are involved now

OP posts:
sunshineandroses1 · 27/07/2018 11:58

So relieved

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2018 12:00

That's good news.
Take their advice.
They are the experts here.
Well done on getting through to them.
I really hope today goes as it should.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/07/2018 12:03

Keep going roominthesky - totally rooting for you here.

eggncress · 27/07/2018 12:04

That’s great news!
They will be able to help and support you and you’ve logged his behaviour.
Well done

Justbenice1 · 27/07/2018 12:12

Fantastic news! Well done you!
Have they said how they can help you?
This is the beginning of a new, stronger happier you. Star