Help me please - is he abusive and what do I do next?

[roominthesky]

I'm very stupid and think I may have made a terrible mistake. I left a long, subtly abusive marriage and was in a happy, confident place when I met my new partner. I realise now that he love bombed me, pushed the relationship faster than I wanted to go and that I (wilfully?) ignored the warning signs because I am an idiot.

He spent a lot of our early relationship quizzing me and trying to find gaps in my general knowledge, expressing mock surprise when I couldn't answer. I was in awe of him so I let him do it. He uses "humour" to put me down and then tells me it's just banter. I tried to understand his psychological quirks and excuse him because of his abusive upbringing. In between he is loving, attentive, gives me little presents. If I say no to things he gives me them anyway.

He moved in last Sunday because he had no money and was about to become homeless, which I knew but not to the extent that he had literally nothing.

Since Sunday there have bern 3 scary things. He didn't get his bond back from his landlord and I have never heard such an abusive phone call as the one he made to the poor man. He threatened violence, shouted, shut him down - he was on the phone out in the street yelling. It was horrible. I went outside afterwards, away from the children, to try and calm him down. He raised his voice to me and told me off for over compensating.

A couple of nights ago he accused my 13 year old son of trying to "put one over" on him because they had a minor disagreement over pasta of all things. He raised his voice to me and turned on me when I defended my son and I was scared.

Yesterday he came in from a day out. I had been so happy on my own with the children. He was angry when I went to hug him and offer him food I'd saved for him, (he needed space) and accused my 13 year old of being unintelligent (we were playing a game together).

Today he is back to being loving and kind, I am confused and still scared.

He has nowhere to go and I'm frightened of him. I don't want him here. Am.I being unreasonable? What do I do? I am seriously scared of his temper.

If this is what he is like at the beginning, it won't get any better. I suspect he has got a personality disorder and part of that can be knowing how to manipulate and take advantage of vulnerabilities of others. He may plead, be extra loving, tell you it won't happen again - but it will. My mum had a boyfriend who scared me and even now, many years later I can feel the fear if I think about him. Please phone the helpline others have given you. Get help to get him out of the house. He is not your responsibility, he will find somewhere to live. Be strong, you can do this.

so relieved to read your update

Women's Aid are doing something called target hardening - I don't know what that is - but I have to see their solicitor.

So relieved too, what practical advice have they given?

Crossed post! I’m sure someone will know what it is and offer some advice.

No practical advice

Thank you so much for being here

I just googled and target hardening is about making you more secure in your own home. Changing locks etc so you feel safe remaining where you are. You are doing so well. Keep going.

Had he been in touch since OP

That makes sense about locks etc, you have to feel safe in your home, sure that will also make you feel much better. Hope that’s soon.

safe mode is something that all operating systems have, he just has to turn his phone off and on again, but its now not your problem.
good luck for today and your future x

A great first step, OP, and a very important one. Take every scrap of advice they give you. They believe you and they can see how abusive he is just from what you say. The Police will believe you and we believe you. Remember that when he turns and tries to convince you it’s all in your head. You know it’s not.

Are you still getting him out today op?

He is abusive isn't he? I was asked on the phone about physical violence and suddenly I felt like what I'm describing is so trivial compared to what some people have to face. I'm not wavering but I wonder if I'm being dramatic? Wasting Women's Aid's time? Yes he will be gone today. I'm determined.

Yes he is abusive and abusive towards your children too. If that’s not reason enough, remind yourself that abuse usually escalates so what you have witnessed up till now is just him warming up.

You are so not wasting their time. I am in the process of leaving my emotionally abusive husband and also felt i a wastong time. You will get amazing support on here. Go girl you can do it xcc

You are certainly not wasting anyone's time. You are being strong and proactive. You are a lioness protecting her cubs. No one here or at women's aid are doubting you. You are in a serious situation and you are doing exactly the right thing.

Now how about contacting the police.

When I was in a similar situation the police were glad I put them in the picture and gave them advance warning.

That way when they did need to respond at a later date they were already in the picture and had the back story.

Be strong @roominthesky

Yes, he is.

And not respecting your children's boundaries is a huge issue, this alone is worthy of getting help and getting him out of the house.

Great you contacted them and they are now involved. Is there any progress with the locks? Did they tell you to sit tight and wait for someone to come or do you have to arrange it?

www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/target-hardening

Yes he’s being abusive. It doesn’t have to physical but can be emotional, verbal, psychological, financial.
Abuse is a cycle of behaviour and involves changing from nice to sulking/shouting/ put downs disguised as jokes and telling you you are being over sensitive .Then when you do something about it, like now, he will become very pleasant and nice again to make you doubt yourself and take him back.Then it starts all over again and he gets to control you by alternating good and bad behaviour.
Non abusive people do not alternate like that; they are more consistent.

The very fact he made you afraid in your own home and verbally abused your child is reason enough to get rid.
This just a few days after moving in too! If he’s so brazen now things would get much much worse.

You are not wasting WA time.

OP, don't worry about coming across as dramatic. What is happening to you is real and it’s scary, not trivial. You deserve help.

You can do this. Stay strong.

I've nearly finished packing.
I did tell Women's Aid about one physical incident yesterday but it wasn't serious and I still don't know if it was what I thought. I accidentally bumped into him, only a very small knock on the foot. A few moments later he swung his rucksack round and it hit me - not forcefully but assertively. He made a joke about how that could have been seen as retaliation. I thought at the time maybe it was but afterwards that I was being silly. My mind is scrambled by it all.

Thank you for validating my feelings on the verbal stuff. It helps enormously.

Thank you for all the info too, I'm overwhelmed by the support here