If you hate long posts you may want to run away now. I’m going to be talking about how on every occasion, over the last five years, I should have listened to Mumsnet.
My ten year relationship is finally over. It happened at 4.30am this morning. Sitting here reflecting over what a mug I’ve been has caused me to remember all the times that I put my relationship to the mn jury, and it failing.
This is over many different usernames over the years.
- The first time I came upon mumsnet I was sobbing in the early hours of Boxing Day and seven months pregnant with DD.
DP had gotten drunk at a party at his sister’s house. As we were driving home he grabbed the wheel and started screaming into my ear that he knew I’d given his sisters boyfriend a blowjob.
He’s never acted remotely like this before. I was shaking and scared and the mn jury told me to get out, abuse sometimes starts when you are pregnant.
I didn’t listen, I was too scared to be a single parent.
- After my csection with DD, three days later in fact, DP got drunk again and shouted obscenities at me and refused to help me at all.
I didn’t post on mn yet at this point. I posted a few months later after dp had repeatedly got drunk and shouted and screamed at me, often while holding dd. He accused me of being a slut and sleeping with the whole neighbourhood when he found one of his own beer cans in the bedroom.
He also had (and still has) isolated me from all my friends and most of my family.
Mn verdict - get out. And as you can probably gather from me saying this is a long post, I still didn’t listen. This went on for a few years before I posted again.
- Last year was the worst I think.
I posted, again, in the early hours of the morning. ‘D’p had forced himself on me. I was bleeding.
I actually did get much further this time, thanks to the support, advice and encouragement I found on here.
I kicked him out, I visited a rape crisis center and had care there, an examination and a colonoscopy.
I wavered and did t report it to the police. When dp started messaging saying how sorry I was, and expressing a belief that I couldn’t possibly look after dc on my own because of my disability, I caved and had him back.
But those times were the happiest I can remember. I felt free, happy, like a huge cloud had lifted. It sounds ridiculous but the house was always clean, the dc seemed happy etc. I reminisced about the time he was gone often, and found myself hoping for an excuse to kick him out again.
- DP then, this year, did it again. I said I didn’t want sex and pretended to go to sleep. He carried on anyway and I froze.
Again I only half listened to man, and he was back within three days.
- More recently I’ve had posts under this username, complaining about more minor things such as DP not letting me have music on I like. But posters still seemed to be able to see through my posts and suggested he had more abusive behaviour than I was letting on/admitting to myself.
And finally, this post. The one where I am finally done.
And, technically, it’s not even that bad a thing (compared to other things he’s done) that has set it off.
I woke up at half four this morning, and noticed dp had not been to bed yet (it’s been like this for a while, he falls asleep sat at his computer playing games)
He always wants me to wake him and bring him up as his back hurts if I don’t.
I went downstairs and saw what was on the screen in front of him.
An extremely long chat over gmail messenger (I didn’t even know there was one!) with a woman a bit younger than me that he apparently knows.
This chat detailed him moaning about his ex (still, after fifteen years he moans about his ex leaving him) talking about our children, calling me fat and lazy (the bloody cheek, he had the energy of an ancient sloth!) and detailing all the dirty things he wanted to do to her.
Is it wrong that I didn’t even really care? If I’m honest I’d lost love and respect for him a long time ago, I just didn’t want to be a single mum.
I realised that I felt happy, and finally all the years of advice on mn clicked inside my brain.
This wasn’t going to get better. This would be my misery of a life until the day I died, unless I did something.
The dc will be fine, I’ll keep it civil (and consult mn) and try to get them through this as smoothly as possible.
With all that finally clocking in my head I gleefully woke him up and ordered him out. I pretended I felt betrayed but to be completely honest he couldn’t possibly betray my trust more than he already has.
So now he’s gone. I’ve drawn up a list of which cards to cancel, what I need to do to get the house in order etc.
I’ve called my mum (she’s always up at 5am) and she’s actually come round to congratulate me and to help bag his stuff up. She’s even arranging time off work to come on our holiday that is planned for next week!
So yes, I know once this elation wears off I’ll feel weak again. But this time I plan to keep posting, even if just to keep a record of it myself and remind me why I’m doing this.
I just wanted also to say thank you to mn in general and everyone who has replied to me over the years. It took a while to sink in but I honestly believe I wouldn’t be at this point without you.
I have no friends left, so the only people I’ve been able to talk to about any of this has been you nest of vipers. And for that I am extremely grateful.
Thank you 